He is mindfucking, isn't he

[Undercity]

Ex and I have got on really well until I split up with him for various (mostly practical) reasons. Since then he has shown me a side that I find quite off-putting, but I initially put it down to hurt feelings etc.

Basically, he over-reacts in a dramatic way, gives no reason, says sorry a few hours later, again without reason and then expects everything to be fine again.

Today was another example. I was meant to see him at the weekend as a friend, but decided due to a number of incidents that he wasn't ready yet, so pulled out.

Out of the blue, today, I get a message saying "so you've met someone else, goodbye, am permanently blocking you".
My response was a simple "wtf" and half an hour later I get "am sorry, have overreacted, I love you and only want the best for you".

So I ask him what happened/ what is going on in his head etc. and mention that I am actually at home tidying. He ignores all of the former and starts teasing about the tidying. But I wouldn't let it go, asked him whether he was going to respond to my questions, only to get "you're so hard to apologise to. anyway, am sorry, hope you're ok".

I've not bothered responding. This is one in a line of similar situations - I'd say one every 1-2 weeks at the moment since we broke up 6 weeks ago.

I haven't known him like this in the past; he was always very sweet in person, if a bit insecure. But this now makes me believe more and more that this is either to get a reaction or to deliberately fuck with my mind. It's a shame because I hoped we could stay friends. Tell me this isn't right?

Honestly, you broke up, this doesn't sound like a break? You are worrying about his motivations and thoughts, he's blocking/unblocking, you are posting on MN about him...
It doesn't matter, just move on, you don't need to talk to or think about him.

Of course it's not right. Block him.and have nothingore to do.with jkm. Fucking with your midnight is his way of entertaining himself and feeling powerful. Don't play along. Just ignore him.

Do you have a child together? Is there any reason why you need to be in contact

Sounds like you are messing him around. You break up with him, suggest meeting up, cancel at the last minute, keep messaging for answers, then wonder why he shows you an off-putting side. You aren’t a couple, leave him to do what he wants and move on with your life.

Why are you still in contact with him? Unless you have a child I’d just leave it.

I too think you’re messing with his head. You split up with him, just leave him alone.

You are equally complicit in creating this juvenile, petty drama. Just block and find something else to do with your time.

Neither of you are mature enough to be friends after a breakup.

You decided 'he wasn't ready' to meet up as friends. Is that the reason you gave for pulling out? Just stop messing with each other & move on.

To make it clear, he is the one getting in contact; I do not initiate a thing. I've blocked him everywhere bar text.

Why did I suggest meeting up? Because I thought he was a decent guy, but wouldn't have worked on a relationship level. I care(d) for him a lot.

You need to cut contact. Even if he was a great guy, it’s unfair to keep a friendship going with someone who would still be with you if it was their choice. In this case, he sounds unreasonable in his reaction, but it’s pointless what you’re doing.

Just leave him blocked on everything and don’t respond to any texts or initiate anything.

The reason I blocked him on SM is the same I broke up with him btw. SM suggested I was doing something I wasn't at the time, he overreacted, refused to apologise when presented with what I was actually doing at the time but thought I'd happily carry on as things were before he threw accusations at me.

@Undercity

To make it clear, he is the one getting in contact; I do not initiate a thing. I've blocked him everywhere bar text.

Why did I suggest meeting up? Because I thought he was a decent guy, but wouldn't have worked on a relationship level. I care(d) for him a lot.

No! When you dump them, or are dumped, that is because whatever there was that was right in a relationship has foundered, been mired in what is wrong with it.

You have to assume that freindship is not possible. Sometimes it is, but it is safer to assume that it is not, so you don't give or receive mixed signals, making someone unhappy, or worse, trapped.

Block him on text and remind yourself that, nice as he seemed, he is a total drag (in olden days terms) and cares little about pissing you off, upsetting you.

Make a nice new life - don't hang on to the tatters of an old miserable one!

'I think its time we draw a line under this seen as we are broken up. I request that you do not contact me again'. Then block him on the phone too.

This isn’t boundaried or fair to him. It’s clear he’s not in a good place with the break up and is finding it hard to boundary/ handle comms. Either that or he has control issues. You are free to have met someone else and don’t need to explain yourself to him.

It’s petty emotional games and if you engage you’re complicit in it. Block him.

Okay, point taken. I have blocked him there now, too, after saying my final goodbye.

You shouldn't try to be friends with someone who wants more, it never works. Do him a favour and tell him straight that communication must end, and if he contacts you by any means, just ignore and block. He's clearly not over you so you are not doing him any favours.

You have split up so do the decent thing and move on for the benefit of each other.

You both deserve to be happy so break the contact and get on with your own lives.

You're right about him not being ready but you're not responsible for that.
If he's going to act like a prick, I'd be inclined to have no contact, at least for a while.

I don’t actually think he’s intentionally messing with you.
It’s very hard being friends with an ex.

I think you’ve done the best thing by blocking him.
You both need time to get over the relationship and move on.
In the future then it may be possible.

Sounds like you both need a clean break. If there's no kids involved then walk away, no friends, no chit chat, just block him on all mediums and start afresh. It's best for you and the inky fair thing for him. He needs to know it's absolutely over, by still chatting to him and agreeing to meet up, you're giving him false hope

This is very playground. Since when did blocking someone become the answer to everything. Civil human beings don’t block each other. You can be friendly but you don’t have to be friends.

To those with blocked contacts, shame on you. Last I remember, we didn’t live in caves; we’ve story of learned how to better communicate with friend, foe or ex.

@thespecialist

People have a right to enforce whatever boundaries they wish, in-line with how they wish to be treated. The way the OP outlines the way he was messaging her is not healthy. A healthy reaction to that is to boundary it, including if needs be blocking.

Harassment is on the increase. Exponentially since Covid actually and particularly in the context of former intimate relationships. Its no insignificant matter. Blocking communications where things aren’t right / there are red flags with an ex is actually the smartest thing to do. And the police will in a heartbeat advise more people do it.

More women should do this unapologetically.

I hate all this blocking shit. Seriously. When did we as a society become so callous and cold. It's horrible to block people, ok there are exceptions- harrassment and safety issues but many times it's just a matter of communication, clear and open communication. Blocking is just another throw away society issue.
its horrible and childish.

@Undercity well done, not easy but the right thing for both of you from the sounds of it.