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Original poster

Online dating question? / advice

37 replies

Melanie2041 · 15/02/2022 14:37

If you dated a guy previously for 4 months , broke up for 4 months and now the guy wants to re ask you out on a ‘date’ would it be unreasonable to feel like any online dating profiles that the guy seems to have should not be not active online on a dating website (but guy as assured not met anyone, but seems to be still on there)- would you ask him to take down his active online dating profile down before agreeing to go back out on a date with your prior flame
Or
would you be ok to wait untill there has been dating again properly and then have that conversation regarding online dating profile and if that’s the case when and how would you approach the subject what would you say?
(Not good with words)

OP posts:
TheFoundation · 15/02/2022 16:03

Who do you think writes these sorts of rules about what we ought to do?

Can you say in a sentence what he would do, in this situation, ideally, if it was up to you?

Original poster
Melanie2041 · 15/02/2022 16:13

@TheFoundation I’m not sure what to advise on that situation 🤷🏻‍♀️
Because there is no rules you’re right so just wondering what was right in that type of situation

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 15/02/2022 16:23

It would entirely depend on why we broke up if I'd date him again. If he broke it off, no way would I see him again. If I broke it off but had 2nd thoughts, it's fair enough that he went back to OLD and he's then starting again with someone who has ended it once, so it's fair that he keeps it up until you are more stable.

Original poster
Melanie2041 · 15/02/2022 16:38

@Opentooffers mental health reason on his part so we parted while he dealt with it .
And he thought he didn’t have a chance with me again so he said he made a profile on online dating but then now talking about a chance now with me and let him re-ask me out on a date supposed to see him first time in 4 months in a few days time but I noticed he’s still checking his online dating profile out-would it be unreasonable of me to not want him active online dating profile now or should that be a conversation after dating again for awhile? That’s just what I wanted abit of advice on , It’s just head scratcher for me x

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 15/02/2022 16:45

I think it’s much more sensible for you both to keep your options open until you’re sure you want to commit to dating each other again. You may go on a date with him and decide he isn’t for you after all, or vice versa.

But honestly, I wouldn’t bother giving him another chance. Who’s to say his “mental health” won’t cause him to do the same in another four months? Find somebody less flaky.

TheSpecialist · 15/02/2022 16:58

@ComtesseDeSpair

I think it’s much more sensible for you both to keep your options open until you’re sure you want to commit to dating each other again. You may go on a date with him and decide he isn’t for you after all, or vice versa.

But honestly, I wouldn’t bother giving him another chance. Who’s to say his “mental health” won’t cause him to do the same in another four months? Find somebody less flaky.

Dangerous ground on discrimination there.

Emotional well-being is serious and is not something you can just call flaky.

So many users on here dismiss mental health and think they can take a higher authority.

AlwaysColdTea · 15/02/2022 16:59

[quote Melanie2041]@Opentooffers mental health reason on his part so we parted while he dealt with it .
And he thought he didn’t have a chance with me again so he said he made a profile on online dating but then now talking about a chance now with me and let him re-ask me out on a date supposed to see him first time in 4 months in a few days time but I noticed he’s still checking his online dating profile out-would it be unreasonable of me to not want him active online dating profile now or should that be a conversation after dating again for awhile? That’s just what I wanted abit of advice on , It’s just head scratcher for me x[/quote]
Honestly?

I'd give him such w wide berth that I wouldn't be able to see one side from the other.

You can do better than this, surely?

AlwaysColdTea · 15/02/2022 17:00

Dangerous ground on discrimination there.

The Equality Act doesn't apply to dating. You're allowed to discriminate any way you like in dating - even if it's over a protected characteristic...

Original poster
Melanie2041 · 15/02/2022 17:10

@ComtesseDeSpair that is true and I understand mental health is serious but he has done it a coupe times and we separated and because we only dated a 4 months prior I couldn’t help him really he was shutting me out etc and we was so very early on in just dating, so if we went on xyz how many dates before talking about exclusivity? It feels odd because we’ve dated before I would say in next 3 months I would want some form of commitment is that reasonable? And when I’m asking is that reasonable it’s just others experience and advice on something like this as I want to get things right x

OP posts:
Mermaidwaves · 15/02/2022 17:22

People are right to e cynical, too many guys blame 'mental health' for treating women poorly. See also;

Too busy with work
Sick parent/family crisis

These are also popular excuses I've seen. The amount of sick grandmas around is astonishing!

AlwaysColdTea · 15/02/2022 17:26

[quote Melanie2041]@ComtesseDeSpair that is true and I understand mental health is serious but he has done it a coupe times and we separated and because we only dated a 4 months prior I couldn’t help him really he was shutting me out etc and we was so very early on in just dating, so if we went on xyz how many dates before talking about exclusivity? It feels odd because we’ve dated before I would say in next 3 months I would want some form of commitment is that reasonable? And when I’m asking is that reasonable it’s just others experience and advice on something like this as I want to get things right x[/quote]
This seems to be a lot of thought and accommodating and planning to be with this man who has already let you down once.

Is there really no one better? Or who at least hasn't already proved themselves to he a bit rubbish?

As you looking for an equal life partner or a project and someone to rescue?

Journeynotdestination · 15/02/2022 17:29

I wouldn’t go there personally.

AlwaysColdTea · 15/02/2022 17:29

You seem to he tiptoeing around him and his MH needs already.

Original poster
Melanie2041 · 15/02/2022 18:11

@AlwaysColdTea yeah I guess i am abit without realising but I still wanted to know if it was right for me to ask him to take online profile down if we are dating again or is it best to leave it if we have a few successful dates then approach the topic? Either way I would still say what needs to be said yes concerned or mental health but I have my own boundaries too x

OP posts:
Original poster
Melanie2041 · 15/02/2022 18:13

@Journeynotdestination why is that what’s your opinion of that? x

OP posts:
Original poster
Melanie2041 · 15/02/2022 18:14

@Mermaidwaves that is true I agree with that , he has apologised and said he doesn’t deserve another chance etc. is there any case where you could think that would be sincere do you think?

OP posts:
Livandme · 15/02/2022 18:26

What does your gut say about this guy? Trust it.

TheFoundation · 15/02/2022 18:29

[quote Melanie2041]@TheFoundation I’m not sure what to advise on that situation 🤷🏻‍♀️
Because there is no rules you’re right so just wondering what was right in that type of situation[/quote]
There is no 'right'.

If you don't like something someone does, tell them that it bothers you. That's all you ever need to do. Once you've done that, their response will tell you all you need to know. They'll either be respectful of your feelings (by desisting or trying to find a compromise), or they'll be disrespectful of your feelings (by minimising them, defending themselves, lying etc)

Pull away from people who disrespect your feelings. This includes all feelings, from not being able to bear infidelity, to not being able to bear watching the person eat raspberries. It doesn't have to be reasonable. They need to respect you on all levels.

So, what do you want him to do. How does it make you feel when he doesn't do that? Can you tell him? If not, why not?

Original poster
Melanie2041 · 15/02/2022 18:30

@Livandme it’s telling me it’s abit off :(
but he is apologetic but I just don’t know x

Do you think it’s dodgy him re asking me out and being apologetic but still on a dating site that he is checking into to? X

OP posts:
Journeynotdestination · 15/02/2022 18:30

Because I think given that you dated for 4 months he should be approaching you first before going back into OLD. I’d find that really disrespectful to be honest.

Original poster
Melanie2041 · 15/02/2022 18:33

@Journeynotdestination I’ve actually asked him not asking him to take it down but about him being on it and he said he only went on it as he thought he had ‘no chance with me after being the way he was with me prior’ but wants to ask me out on date if there was a chance to but he has said he’s not met anyone online .. BUT he has been active today as I checked and it says checked in today and because we are not together it’s like I can’t really have a problem with can i? However because we dated prior I feel more sensitive about it - catch 22 ? 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
TheFoundation · 15/02/2022 18:35

@TheSpecialist

Dangerous ground on discrimination there

It's dating, not a job application. We're all allowed not to date someone for whatever reason we want, and nobody is allowed to tell us otherwise.

If you think differently, please post us a link to the guidelines you use about who we're allowed to reject.

PoshPyjamas · 15/02/2022 18:40

Bin him off

SweetPotatoDumpling · 15/02/2022 18:41

The thing is OP...if you are able to 'check' his activities in online dating, it means that you, too, must be logging into your own active online dating profile 🤷‍♀️

So how can you ask him not to go online, when you are clearly going on the same site?

It's a bit hypocritical of you.

Original poster
Melanie2041 · 15/02/2022 18:43

@Journeynotdestination he said to me
‘I know I’m sorry. I just promise to be forward with you’

OP posts:
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