Online dating question? / advice

[Melanie2041]

If you dated a guy previously for 4 months , broke up for 4 months and now the guy wants to re ask you out on a ‘date’ would it be unreasonable to feel like any online dating profiles that the guy seems to have should not be not active online on a dating website (but guy as assured not met anyone, but seems to be still on there)- would you ask him to take down his active online dating profile down before agreeing to go back out on a date with your prior flame
Or
would you be ok to wait untill there has been dating again properly and then have that conversation regarding online dating profile and if that’s the case when and how would you approach the subject what would you say?
(Not good with words)

it’s telling me it’s abit off
but he is apologetic but I just don’t know

Don't date anyone until you've worked out why your mind works this way. Something feeling off before you're even dating is a glaring 'walk away' sign. Why don't you see it? What example of adult relationships did you have as you were growing up? Somewhere along the line you've been conditioned to overlook it when someone does things that make you feel uncomfortable.

@SweetPotatoDumpling oh I don’t have an online profile , my friend checks it for me that’s how I know he’s one x

You see, at the start of dating you have a choice, you can chose based on appearance or personality, doesn't mean you generally discriminate against people who don't have the attributes you like. Similarly, if you had a choice between someone with MH issues or someone without, it's totally fine to chose the latter when just at the getting to know you stage. It's free choice and why make life less uncertain with someone who has dumped you once already?

Nope, I’d swerve this. I appreciate that he may have been struggling but I don’t understand how his mental health issues resolved themselves such that he was resilient enough to start OLD.

Sorry but the cynical side of me says he dated you, missed OLD/ had a case of the grass is greener, binned you off, went back to OLD (or dated someone he already had in mind) and now that hasn’t worked out, is back to you.

There is nothing hypocritical here. The Op isn’t the one who binned him off citing mental health and then created an OLd profile and then tried to get back with an ex.

I’d be asking him what the mental health issues were. How they have resolved themselves. Why his profile is still there given he says he hasn’t met someone. And what reassurances can he give that the same won’t happen.

@TheFoundation I don’t know maybe I’m abit to empathetic ? I know I’m an empath.

I had my mum and dad who had a great relationship they were happy for many years decades. I can’t think of any relationships I knew of that overlooked things specifically 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’ll have to think on that if anything x

I think I do see it somewhat the sign but I still have feelings abit for him how we was etc. but I just don’t know x

Did you feel listened to as a child, OP? Did your parents listen to you and support you when you talked about how you felt? Or did you get shushed a lot/have a 'children should be seen and not heard' type feeling? Parents can be lovely and still accidentally instill armful things in their children. Your doubt about walking away from this guy is simple disrespect. He's giving you feelings that this might be emotionally wrong for you, and yet you are considering over riding those feelings, and taking a risk with your own wellbeing. Respect yourself. Don't risk the welfare of your feelings. If you want to be in a relationshiop, ask yourself what you want from that relationship. Is it the niggling doubt that this guy is sure to offer you? Or would you rather find someone who made you feel secure from the very start?

@TheFoundation I want it right from the start. I think it was just because he was apologetic that it swayed me.

Yeah I felt listened to when I younger for sure I was a only child I got all the attention I can’t think of anything in my childhood specifically I had a good childhood x

You’re right about the respect thing x

How did you reconnect?

Why is your friend checking OLD accounts for you?

I would want it to come from him about removing his accounts. Doesn't really count for much if you have to ask him. Until then you can only do what you are comfortable with and it doesn't sound like you are

@Melanie2041
Unfortunately I've found the ones who are tricky from the start tend to not improve, theres always a reason they back off or wont commit.

OP. Dont let your desire for it to work out and for him to be decent override your instincts, self respect and expectations.

You want him to have come off there before going on a date with him again yes? Its not unreasonable to ask for that. He can then decide yes or no.

I would personally not go back there, something feels a bit suspect about it. MH issues but suddenly 4mo later hes OLD and then trotting back to you. Whats he actually been doing in those 4 months? Counselling? I would be asking specifically about that if it were me.

Urgh. He sounds like my ex, using 'MH issues' to disguise his desire to shag around.

Have an honest chat with yourself about whether you feel he is really into you. I wish I'd done the same.

Frankly the online profile is not the main issue here...

Why would you want to date this person again? it did not work the first time and it is likely they only want to see you again because they could not find anyone else!

Raise your standards and don't see that man again and focus on finding someone else.

Dating someone should be fun and not such a headache from the start...