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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Fake friendship, exhausted and long over it?

30 replies

GrowUpGrowApart · 15/02/2022 13:49

I have a friend who to be honest, I just don't have anything in common with anymore. We were friends when we were kids, lost touch for nearly a decade then reconnected many years ago. It doesn't feel like my other friendships, it's a lot of effort and I find it exhausting and the more I think about it, I just think why am I bothering?!

She texts me every single day without fail, idle chitchat, it caused friction in the past as she got upset with me not replying, not opening messages etc. I explained to her I don't speak to anyone every day, it just isn't me. She got upset and said she will just need to manage her expectations of me. It was all quite ridiculous to be honest, she didn't start texting any less but stopped getting angry at me when I didn't reply.

I have her muted and archived on WhatsApp, so she goes straight into that section and I can just deal with it when I choose to - it's just the fact I feel the need to do this that makes me think this is all just too weird.

I honestly don't think she really knows me anymore, she constantly chats to me about and sends me links to things I'm just really not interested in at all. She will tag me in things that I don't care about at all. She will do gushy posts on birthday and yesterday for 'Galentines' with collages of photos and says things like 'my best friend for 25 years' which is completely untrue we've known each other for 20 years and we didn't speak for nearly 10 of them.

When we meet up it's awkward, there's lots of awkward silences, it's not comfortable like it is when I hang out with actual good friends. It's just a weird vibe but then I'll get home and there will be a post about what an amazing day we had and some photos and all I can think is but we look so uncomfortable?

I don't really know why it's still a thing, I send a few texts idly responding to her chatter. I don't return the weird social media best friends thing. She calls herself auntie to my kids - she's only them twice and the oldest is 3 years old. She is single with no kids if it's relevant.

She's text me again this morning and I read it and actually out loud just said I don't fucking care. So, clearly enough is enough. I just feel like I'm a mother of two and I don't want drama, how do you even stop a situation like this? It's all so fake, I have some really great genuine friends and we don't chat everyday but when we see each other we laugh and chat and there's no awkward silences. I can't be bothered to keep investing even minimal energy into something that just isn't real?

If you've stuck with me this far thanks, I stress over this a lot and it really just feels like such an odd situation and I don't know what to do?!

OP posts:

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 15/02/2022 13:53

I think speaking to her will do no good as you already have, might be time to just block her, I know that is awful but I'm not sure how else you can deal with this.

TheFoundation · 15/02/2022 13:55

I can't be bothered to keep investing even minimal energy into something that just isn't real

Then don't. This stops when you stop.

StormTreader · 15/02/2022 14:03

I had a friend like this that I referred to as my "not-girlfriend" in that she was just a friend but seemed to absolutely demand this level of constant interaction and emotional investment and support like we were dating, I wasn't even talking to my actual boyfriend half as much as she was texting!

She ended up really upsetting me one day (as in having to go home in tears from work and I am NOT that kind of person), I cut ties totally and haven't regretted it for a second.

She actually contacted me a few years ago saying we should meet up again and I ignored the message with a strong feeling of "absolutely not".

Original poster

GrowUpGrowApart · 15/02/2022 14:08

@StormTreader

She ended up really upsetting me one day (as in having to go home in tears from work and I am NOT that kind of person), I cut ties totally and haven't regretted it for a second.

She actually contacted me a few years ago saying we should meet up again and I ignored the message with a strong feeling of "absolutely not".

This is exactly how I feel, it's really just weird to me and I find it suffocating and I've realised this morning I've grown to not just perhaps like her less than she likes me but not really like her at all.

I just feel like she sucks the life out of me. I didn't want to just start ignoring I feel too old to ghost someone but perhaps that is what I need to do. I just really can't be bothered to keep it going anymore I'm gaining nothing from it at all, and I just get annoyed by the amount of contact.

OP posts:

Really18 · 15/02/2022 14:16

It's fake for you but it might be genuine for her. She might genuinely believe you are her best friend. I think you need to really think how you can distance yourself in a kind way.

TyrannosaurusRegina · 15/02/2022 14:47

This sounds like someone in my life. I did the same, muted and archived on WhatsApp. She went through a tough breakup a while ago so I was communicating with her more than usual for that period of time and am currently trying to wind contact down again. I just reply to every other message or every third message or whatever. Hse knows not to get pushy with me about it or I just tell her it like it is. It's bloody draining isn't it. I feel my soul sinking to the floor every time I look and there are another however many messages.

CrowFriend · 18/02/2022 07:47

So it’s pretty clear ( and entirely understandable) that you don’t want her in your life any more so it’s a question of how to extricate her from your life as kindly as possible.
Just ghosting her seems the easiest option for you - effective but may cause her a lot of hurt and distress. Cutting off the friendship will cause her hurt etc anyway but a bit of courage on your part may make it slightly less painful for her and you may find you feel better about it because you’ve been honest.
Personally I would give her a brief explanation, say goodbye and then block etc.
For example - ‘Friend, I’m sorry to tell you that for my part our friendship has just run it’s course. I don’t want to hurt you but feel you deserve an explanation and genuinely wish you well for the future. I won’t see or reply to any further messages from you.’

Another option is do the slow fade …

Ugh. Such a tricky (but common!) situation.

blackdumpling · 18/02/2022 07:54

Ghosting is very hurtful
I'd send her a polite goodbye message & then block
It is very clear from your posts she irritates you
& that you don't actually like her at all
There's nothing wrong with how you feel
You're allowed to cut people out of your life if they bring nothing positive to it
She sounds intense & suffocating
I couldn't deal with that kind of constant contact
& the expectation of having to reply
Don't blame you for reaching this decision

THisbackwithavengeance · 18/02/2022 08:01

All the drama and angst and should you or should you not block. People on MN are worse than my teenagers. Blocking is a load of passive aggressive shite; at least have the guts to ring someone up and actually tell them to fuck off.

You hardly see her in any case. Just send the odd text and keep on as you are. It costs you nothing and your "friendship" - as it is - obviously means something to her. It's nice to be nice....

If you need to, scale back the texts and let it die a natural death.

UnsuitableHat · 18/02/2022 08:12

Difficult one, especially as you’ve been fairly clear with her in the past. Think I agree with sending the very occasional text- let her carry on managing her expectations! And avoid meeting up with her.

SunflowerTed · 18/02/2022 08:51

I’d just kindly say to her that with two very young children you are really busy and for Her not to be offended if you don’t reply to her messages very often!

phizog · 18/02/2022 18:18

I had this with a friend. We'd known each other for 3 years and were close, but never in the message every day kinda way. But I think she was going through a tough time with work and relationships so increased the contact, and I was happy to support. However, this carried on for 18 months and it got to a point where she was messaging multiple times a day, wanting a call most days and i was seeing her once a week too. I started dreading seeing her name pop up on my phone, because if i didn't reply she'd get upset. I tried to gently reduce contact but had no effect. Final straw was one day, after I had spoken to her twice on the weekend, she wanted another call on Tuesday and I told her I was too tired from work zooms but since we were meeting up the next day anyway, could we just chat then. Cue a passive aggressive strop.....

I told her that I couldn't meet her emotional demands of me and would prefer us to reduce contact to more manageable levels. Never heard from her again. Then I realised that this was her pattern - she'd pick one friend, drain the life out of them and then move on to the next. She didn't have any close long term gfs - and sure enough i can see on social media she's found another 'bff forever", "my soulmate", "my favourite girl". All the stuff she used to say about me and other gfs.

Some people are just emotional vampires. You can let her know you won't be as available but I wouldn't be surprised if she drops you and finds another victim to attach to! In this case, if she isn't bothered about your needs and what you want, it's ok to explain your stance and then ghost.

Featuredcreature · 18/02/2022 18:34

@phizog

I don't think these people are emotional vampires or however you seek to demonise, they are lonely and cling to any support they have. You say yourself that you have a solid friend base. Lots and lots people do not have this, people who do have this, tend to not understand this.

Tbh who could be arsed with all the politics.

Swear · 18/02/2022 18:38

I don't think you should ghost or block her. Just send her an email explaining that you feel that you no longer have much in common plus you're extremely busy with the DCs, so have decided not to keep the friendship going, and thank her for the good times in the past.

Windbeneathmybingowings · 18/02/2022 18:39

I don’t think she sounds at all like an emotional vampire, just someone offering a friendship that OP doesn’t reciprocate. No need to be horrible to her, she’s not being mean or unkind, just not for you.

Speak to her about it. Simple.

JaneyJimplin · 18/02/2022 18:46

You're going to have to change your name and move country.

Sorry, no sensible suggestions, but I get how this is so tricky.

Has she got any other friends? Maybe encourage her to try dating or take up a hobby where she might meet a partner or new friends. It sounds like you are getting 100% of her attention and it is suffocating for you. If she gets a boyfriend or a new social group, hopefully her laser-focus on you will be diluted.

DillonPanthersTexas · 18/02/2022 18:47

Sorry but if someone is so lacking in self awareness that they don't understand that suffocating someone with multiple calls and messages with a dollop of passive aggressive petulant reactions if their 'BFF' is not on their beck and call then well sod them. Nobody is obliged to entertain emotionally immature folk.

Sassbott · 18/02/2022 18:49

This is so weird. I too have someone archived for very similar reasons.

I wouldn’t block, given the history. But what I’m doing is gradually distancing myself. And giving an explanation for why. ‘I have a lot on my plate right now/ I am taking a break from my phone so won’t be messaging as much’ (some examples) to explain it. It’s taken a while but essentially I’m down from regularly messaging (which would escalate if I didn’t reply) to messaging once / perhaps twice a week. And there’s far less to and fro.

Tbh with my friend it’s a mixture of loneliness and not being in a great place. Ostensibly she has lots of ‘friends’ but is lonely. Also single, no kids.
I could get annoyed and find it a drain/ stressful. But I am choosing kindness and how I would hope a long term friend (albeit on/ off) would treat me if I ever found myself in not a great place. Blocking would be cruel.

Either this will eventually come to a head. Or she will find someone else to do it with and you will hear from her less and less.

Dunno. I’d pick the direct convo over blocking but if the kinder thing is to gradually manage it, that would be my preferred route.

phizog · 18/02/2022 18:52

Sorry, no, friendship is a two way street. There is absolutely no one in this world who can be so available to just one person, all day, every day. People can't even offer this to their partners who they live with.

This is a ridiculous expectation. Loneliness is awful but no one person can be expected to fill the gap. There are hobbies, interests, work, other friends that can and should be used - it takes effort, sure, but that is life. Burdening one person with all your emotional needs is just lazy and unfair. And getting petulant and upset instead of being reasonable and finding a compromise is incredibly self absorbed. A real friend would be understanding of time and availability constraints. An emotional vampire will sulk and get passive aggressive. The trouble with some people is they are so caught up in their own demands and needs, they forget other people have needs too - and as friends they too have a responsibility to meet them. It's telling that people like my friend alienate all their friends eventually, which proves that the expectation is not reasonable and impossible to fulfil.

WouldYouHaveAproblem · 18/02/2022 18:55

She sounds lonely and needy. While this isn't your problem and you're absolutely entitled to move on without regret if you are no longer feeling it, I would try to do it with a bit of kindness. In your shoes I would send her an email saying that since you became a parent your priorities and interests have changed and you feel like you've moved in a different direction from her and that the time you spend together anymore no longer feels like it works. Then wish her well in her future pursuits (making it clear that this isn't up for discussion).

OneTiredMam · 18/02/2022 18:56

I can relate.

Would be messaged from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed at night every single day... and would also insist on coming to my house for 2-3 hours every other evening.
When I tried to slow down on repiles I constantly got "I feel like we're growing apart." And guilt tripped, so I felt bad and continued baring in mind we are both mams with our own kids and families I don't know how she found the energy to constantly demand all of my time.
It was so invasive and in the end I'm not proud of it I deleted my social media accounts and went quiet as I couldn't deal with it, I don't even speak to my partner as much as she was demanding.
I did reopen my social media accounts and she still likes and comments on every post but ingores me if she sees me in person now which is a bit odd but hey.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 18/02/2022 18:57

I don't think these people are emotional vampires or however you seek to demonise, they are lonely and cling to any support they have.

I agree with this, and I feel sad for the woman. At the same time, you don't have to be friends with someone you don't like.

In an ideal world it would be possible to integrate these people into a wider group of friends, and spend time with them in that group. Unfortunately it rarely works out because people with poor interpersonal skills just tend to alienate others.

Shizzlestix · 18/02/2022 19:29

I had similar during lockdown when an old college friend ramped up the contact-we’d dropped to Christmas cards after not seeing each other for about 20 years. The advice on here was to block. I asked her to message rather than phone, I was in hospital at the time, A&E overnight and she immediately tried to ring. It was really upsetting me, so I blocked her.

I had a Christmas card this year which surprised and dismayed me.

If she’s upsetting you, just block her (as long as she doesn’t live round the corner and will come round! Mine lives hours away)

DogsAndGin · 18/02/2022 19:31

Just ignore her messages - don’t open them at all. She might mention something, in which case you can either ghost her calls, or just say ‘sorry, I’m just too busy to be texting like this, gotta go..’.

Or, hopefully she won’t mention anything and will get the message and leave you alone.

Richtea2 · 20/02/2022 16:17

I had a friend like this and had to cut her off

She would send messages each day keep calling. It was mostly about her falling out with her other friends. Sometimes if we met up it's like she purposely trying to make me flip on her.
One day we had an argument and she brought my son in to it. So I basically said something back and then we both blocked each other. The original argument could of over but telling him this was a no no.
Any way no longer in my life and it's much better

You can't afford to have people in your life who drain you. It's too much.

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