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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Interesting mirroring behaviour..

38 replies

tuesdayisthebestday · 15/02/2022 09:32

I've been with BF for 8 months. Lovely, lovely man who I'm very much in love with. We've taken it steady. Both late 30s with a child each. He is a man of few words, not brilliant at communicating feelings and has been through a lot in a previous relationship. We haven't said I love you yet - he knows I am feeling that way and I very strongly suspect he is too in his actions etc. all good.

I've noticed something curious though - he uses my words back at me sometimes! If I say 'you make me feel like I've won the lottery' he'll say ' you make me feel like I've won the lottery too' (not an actual quote, obviously 😂)

I sign off cards to him in a particular way, first one exchanged was Christmas and since then I've noted he has done it on my Christmas present and my valentines card!

It is something I've not come across, it feels slightly strange! Sweet but strange!

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 15/02/2022 09:38

No matter how "lovely" a man is, if you're unable to effectively communicate with him, it will only lead to trouble and heartache. As for his mirroring, I would find it lazy and annoying.

Original poster

tuesdayisthebestday · 15/02/2022 09:47

We communicate fine thank you, completely fine. He is very caring. He shows me all the time that he is thinking of me - from starting my car on frosty mornings to dropping everything when I had an emergency the other week without question. Our relationship is the best I've had and it is a blessed relief to not be with someone controlling or narcissistic.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/02/2022 09:49

If he’s not as good at expressing his feelings in words he might just be borrowing yours to show he feels as strongly as you do. I don’t think it’s lazy so much as he finds his own metaphors don’t come as easily. It’s like a short hand.

Original poster

tuesdayisthebestday · 15/02/2022 09:51

Yes @AnneLovesGilbert he does struggle with writing a little which is what I meant when I said he doesn't communicate as well - it's not that he struggles to express emotion, it's that he finds articulating feelings and writing them down the hard part. He'll talk easily about anything face to face.

OP posts:

Louisianagumbo · 15/02/2022 09:54

@AnneLovesGilbert

I think this is very true. If he's not good with words but his actions show you how much he cares, I'd say that's a much better relationship than someone who just has good chat.

interest12 · 15/02/2022 09:56

@tuesdayisthebestday

You literally said "He is a man of few words, not brilliant at communicating feelings..." I think @Aquamarine1029 post was fair.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/02/2022 09:58

Red flags here re this man and I went on to note your comment, "Our relationship is the best I've had and it is a blessed relief to not be with someone controlling or narcissistic".

Your boundaries here, already skewed by past abuse, are being further got at here by this man now. It is common for people to go from one abusive relationship into another abusive relationship, not of the same type, but abusive all the same. "Mirroring” is an abuse tactic. It’s when someone acts as though they’re “just like you” and “just what you need” in order to manipulate you as they please.

If you’re experiencing mirroring, I encourage you to get away if possible, or if not, to protect your safety and well-being as best as you can. Either way, lean on trusted loved ones and professional resources.

You deserve a healthy and happy relationship, and you can’t be defined by one person.

Filthyslattern · 15/02/2022 09:58

How often would you ever need him to write down his feelings?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/02/2022 09:58

He is making you think that you owe him for all the nice things he is doing for you. Its a very insidious form of abuse.

Filthyslattern · 15/02/2022 10:02

This is absolutely ridiculous.

You could literally find a red flag in absolutely everything.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

How is being kind abusive????

Original poster

tuesdayisthebestday · 15/02/2022 10:04

Eh!? 😂 I really don't think so @AttilaTheMeerkat, I very much doubt you can judge an entire relationship from 3 posts on mumsnet and I think far too many people do. My boundaries are firmly in place and I have my eyes wide open. Yes I was in a controlling relationship before but I have done the freedom program and I am very alert for red flags. This man does not mirror in 'real' life this is the only time I have seen it and it certainly is not all the time but has happened a few times from a man who struggles to write. He certainly does not expect me to be grateful for things he does for me, just like I don't expect him to be grateful if I make him a cup of tea!
Sorry if I worded things slightly incorrectly in my op, that'll teach me to drink tea and type!

OP posts:

Original poster

tuesdayisthebestday · 15/02/2022 10:06

Thank you @Filthyslattern - no I don't expect him to write feelings down all the time, we aren't in a Victorian novel! 😂 just when it crops up naturally. We communicate usually via text as we are both incredibly busy and it works for us.

OP posts:

DiscordandRhyme · 15/02/2022 10:07

If he's not great with emotions maybe he's using your words to try and explain his, as he just can't express them quite right in his mind?

TheFoundation · 15/02/2022 10:11

What's made you post, OP? What were you looking to gain/learn from the thread?

Most of us can identify one or two peculiar behaviours in our partners, but wouldn't be likely to post about them on a forum. Is it bothering you?

Querty123456 · 15/02/2022 10:13

I often think mirroring in this way is a form of flattery. My partner often picks up and uses certain phrases that I say. I don’t see it as a negative thing at all.

Original poster

tuesdayisthebestday · 15/02/2022 10:14

God knows @TheFoundation, I very rarely post on MN and I'm beginning to remember why 😂
No it doesn't bother me in the slightest.

OP posts:

Jurassicparkinajug · 15/02/2022 10:19

My very wonderful, kind, supportive husband who I've been with for 8 years also finds it hard to express his feelings. Its just not natural to him. He isn't the most talkative person but I probably over talk so we balance each other out. He can be very funny and he is warm and just the best husband I can ask for. No one is perfect.

Every time someone posts about a relationship, someone mentions abuse. How utterly ridiculous. He just doesn't know how to talk about his feelings. Sounds like you have a good one there OP.

Original poster

tuesdayisthebestday · 15/02/2022 10:23

@Jurassicparkinajug thank you. Yes everyone is human, he is grumpy if I beat him at monopoly for a few minutes so I should probably LTB for that... 😂
He is a good one. MN is a scary place sometimes and I think people lose sight of the fact they are getting a very, very small amount of biased information about a relationship. When I was in a previous relationship MN did help me see things more clearly and enabled me to make the decision to leave, but I think things lose their nuance when read out of context sometimes.

OP posts:

showmethegin · 15/02/2022 10:24

How did people get abuse out of that! MN never ceases to amaze!

It sounds to me like he's just not good with words. I believe love is an action though and so many people talk the talk but don't walk the walk. My DP is affectionate and loving in his actions but he wouldn't be one to write an essay in a card. He shows me he loves me in everything that he does.

showmethegin · 15/02/2022 10:24

Oh and we've been together 7 years and are happier than ever

LindaEllen · 15/02/2022 10:26

No chance he's autistic, is there? My ex had mild asperger's and was a bit rubbish with social stuff, so often mirrored what I was doing, as he knew that was the 'right' thing to do in those situations (and that I must be happy with it, because I do it myself).

I always remember whenever I used to say to him 'I'm yours' (back in the early days when shit like that doesn't seem cringy!) he used to reply 'and you're mine' ... so like, mirroring completely, but without switching the language to actually make the response that other people might make.

This might not fit your situation, but just a thought!

Original poster

tuesdayisthebestday · 15/02/2022 10:32

I don't think so @LindaEllen, he interacts face to face on a very NT level. He is a man of few words although far more chatty with me when we are on our own. I think it is simply the writing thing. He's intelligent but is not great lover of language and writing - he has an engineering/ mathematics brain. He had a bad relationship a few years ago with abusive both physical and emotional and it took a few months for him to feel properly comfortable I think.

OP posts:

Hadenoughofbloodycovid · 15/02/2022 10:35

I cannot believe some of the comments, how the hell does someone not being able to write down their feelings=abuse😂 my husband of 42 years doesn’t do ‘writing down feelings’ does that mean I’ve been in an abusive relationship all this time and never realised it🤔

Original poster

tuesdayisthebestday · 15/02/2022 10:36

I'd probably recommend LTB to be fair @Hadenoughofbloodycovid ...! 😂

OP posts:

inheritancetrack · 15/02/2022 10:40

Mirroring is a communication method used by people in tune with each other. It's like the other person finishing their sentence.

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