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Original poster

Found out I was OW

38 replies

Confusedandsadmeme · 15/02/2022 09:26

I am heartbroken I recently found out that for the 2 years me and my partner were together he had a fiancée all along and is getting married next month. I feel so betrayed, we have a baby together and he was awful to me during my pregnancy. I had a few suspicions but he always had excuses and said she was a colleague.

We split up during my pregnancy but then he came back after the baby was born proclaiming his love and said he’d make it up to me. My friend did some digging and found some SM accounts of his life with the OW he confessed and said they have been having an on/off relationship for years.

I am having such a hard time processing this and gave him a through home truths. The OW knows about me apparently and is happy to continue with the marriage. He has been sending very nasty messages saying “I don’t want him to move on” and “I’m an abuser” because I asked for child maintanence. I wish I never met him but how can I move on when we have a young child together and I have to keep seeing him?

OP posts:
Comedycook · 15/02/2022 09:31

I’m an abuser” because I asked for child maintanence

Just claim via the CMS and don't engage with him directly over it. You can't argue with stupid

ReadySteadyTwins · 15/02/2022 09:36

You'll be all-sorts for the audacity of exposing him.

You know you're not. You're not the bad person in any of this. Unfortunately you have a child with this "man" and it can't be undone.

He's marrying her. She knows about you. And your child. But apparently she's fine with all that (lord only knows what she's been told and how low her standards are).

So. Deep breath. You are a single woman now. With a child. Work out how child contact arrangements will go. Arrange maintenance with CMS. Don't look back Flowers

Sittingonabench · 15/02/2022 09:52

Do you really think she knows about you and child or is this something he has told you? In this case I would contact her - explaining you don’t want him and have no intention of causing hurt or drama but you wanted to make sure she was really aware of this before she commits to marriage. You wish her well whatever she decides.
And yes as much low contact as is possible with him directly.
What an ass

Original poster
Confusedandsadmeme · 15/02/2022 10:06

I contacted her in December as I had suspicions about her but I didn’t know she was his fiancée then.
All I said was that I think he may have been playing us both and I’d like to have a conversation with her I was very polite she wasn’t particularly responsive and asked if I was his work colleague to which I replied I am the mother of his child and there was no reply.
He told me I was abusing him by messaging his contacts and I don’t want him to move on, I was just looking for the truth.. not sure if I should send another message but I am sure he’s probably told her I was a ONS who tampered with contraception.

OP posts:
Tdcp · 15/02/2022 10:10

I've been there op, we even signed for a house together. you have my deepest sympathies.

Finchgold · 15/02/2022 10:14

You’ve told her, now walk away from the whole situation. He’s probably spinning her a web of lies but she can contact you if she wants to know more. Claim for child maintenance through CMS offer a regular tie you can make your child available for access and try not to get sucked into any chat that isn’t child related.

PainterMummy · 15/02/2022 10:14

Oh how terrible for you OP. As previous people have said, go via CMS for support and have as little contact as possible with him. If he wants contact with your baby, work out a written plan to be mutually agreed and then have it in writing. but don’t expect a lot.

You've already messaged the fiancée. She knows about you and the bs t but she chooses not to find out more. Yes, he likely spun a web of lies to her but she has chosen not to talk with you to find out more AND she has also chosen not to acknowledge your child with him or there would have been attempts to have visits. So don’t expect anything more from her

While it’s very heart breaking what has happened, please try to move on knowing that he’s a rat, can’t be counted or relied on for anything to do with your baby.

Success is the best revenge. Live life to the full, don’t give him any more of your thought/time after applying for CMS.

Bigassbeebuzzbuzz · 15/02/2022 10:14

Tbh op I would contact cms then wait to hear from him about contact for your child.
I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Bananarama21 · 15/02/2022 10:20

Shes stupid enough to stay op use this opportunity to start a fresh. I'd wonder if you weren't the only one if she's not kicked him out. Takes a real shit of a man to lead a double life like that and start a family with you and getting married to his dp.

Workinghardeveryday · 15/02/2022 10:26

What a horrible shock for you. What a piece of shit he really is.

You deserve so much better, you will meet Mr Right, this man certainly is not him!!!

Xx

blackdumpling · 15/02/2022 10:26

He will be telling her all manner of lies
That you were a one night stand
You trapped him with a baby
You sabotaged contraception
That you are “crazy”
She will be in love & desperate to believe him
It’s best you just pity her
As she too is a victim of his lies
The best thing to do is go no contact
Just claim child maintenance
Don’t force him to engage with your child
A father flitting in and out is arguable worse
Than an absent father who has never been in the picture
You know the truth of who he is
Someone like him will always find women to bamboozle with lies
If it wasn’t her it’d just be someone else
IMO

MrsNacho · 15/02/2022 10:27

This is awful for you OP, I agree with others advice, CMS and wait for him to request access. Block him on all social media and out him out of your head in terms of having a relationship.

Pity the woman silly enough to stay!

Original poster
Confusedandsadmeme · 15/02/2022 10:28

I can’t believe anyone could be capable of this he hid it so well and what kind of woman would want to be with someone who had just had a baby and had been living a double life? He said they haven’t told either of their families and are not intending too I feel guilty for our child and am trying with all my will power not to expose him further.
He even suggested continuing seeing me in secret 🤮. I had applied through the cms but he convinced me we would have a family based arrangement which hasn’t happened so I have to reapply.
I was thinking contact could be for an hour, near where I live in a coffee shop but with me on a separate table. I can’t bare to be anywhere near him.

OP posts:
felulageller · 15/02/2022 10:32

Turn up to the wedding with his baby.

howtoleaveit · 15/02/2022 10:35

Go through CMS. Send her and his parents and her parents a photo of the baby saying “before this marriage happens you should know we were together for two years and this is our child. He didn’t tell me anything about having a fiancée. He wanted this child. I’m now having to go through CMS to get him to look after his own child. Me and our child are victims of his lies and terrible treatment. I thought you should know what kind of man he is. If he can do this to me he can do this again. He lied for two years”
They should all be told so they are aware.

howtoleaveit · 15/02/2022 10:35

Don’t arrange any contact until the money is sorted. Do it now and contact a solicitor too.

Gilly12345 · 15/02/2022 10:41

Can you afford to be a single parent and not have to ask him for money?

He is a sorry excuse of a man and his fiancé deserves him.

You and the child deserve so much more.

💐💐💐💐💐💐

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 15/02/2022 10:45

I wouldn't contact him or her directly. You don't need to know her motives for staying with him, just be grateful you're not her!

Go via CMS and wait until he comes to you asking for contact

Original poster
Confusedandsadmeme · 15/02/2022 10:58

He has been having contact I’m not sure whether she knows about it though as according to him she’s asked him not to see us as I am there breastfeeding.

I went via the cms, he convinced me to make a private arrangement and then changed his mind I will be reopening my case but worried he will retaliate more.

I know I’ve had a very lucky escape! It hurts knowing the person you loved was a complete fraud the most horrific thing that’s ever happened to me. x

OP posts:
PurpleBuny · 15/02/2022 11:02

@Gilly12345

Can you afford to be a single parent and not have to ask him for money?

He is a sorry excuse of a man and his fiancé deserves him.

You and the child deserve so much more.

💐💐💐💐💐💐

Why should he not be pursued for the money via CMS he owes to care for their child?
Tdcp · 15/02/2022 11:06

"Gilly12345

Can you afford to be a single parent and not have to ask him for money?

He is a sorry excuse of a man and his fiancé deserves him.

You and the child deserve so much more.

💐💐💐💐💐💐"

My mum did this, we suffered to save face and they (2 dads 3 kids) got away with not even paying for the priveledge of having no parental responsibility.

ChickenStripper · 15/02/2022 11:14

Sadly there are many desperate women who will put up with anything to maintain the status quo. I was shocked when someone told me she had asked her ex H if they could just keep their marriage going when she found out he had been having an affair for 2 years. I know several women who have stayed for money and the lifestyle.

HoppingPavlova · 15/02/2022 11:17

Similar happened to me but luckily I didn’t have a baby, but turns out he had a young child and pregnant wife. We were together for roughly 18mths so likely his wife was pregnant with the first when we first started and was pregnant with second when we ended. It ended as I found out he was married, someone else knew and gave him the ultimatum of telling me or they would. When he told me he said he didn’t see why it should change anything and he wanted to continue on with us (and also his wife)Hmm.

To be fair we had a job where neither myself or his wife would have clued as he was rarely at home, always at work and we slept over at work for several days in a row as the norm.

Original poster
Confusedandsadmeme · 15/02/2022 11:18

He’s on a high income and she has a business selling skincare. She seems like she’s from a wealthy background.

I’m currently living with my family and it’s been hard on maternity pay. I would like to find a nice little place for us and move out at the end of the year. But I have no furniture and would be starting all over again

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 15/02/2022 11:23

Forgot to add he claimed his DW must have known as once he had dumped all of his pocket out which included a pretty direct mail between us that left no doubt on the counter at home and the next day he had found it neatly folded with the spare change from the pocket neatly stacked in a pile on top. No idea if she did read it though, he claimed it was a dead cert and ‘she wasn’t going to make a fuss’. Funnily, that still didn’t sway me.

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