Found out I was OW

[Confusedandsadmeme]

I am heartbroken I recently found out that for the 2 years me and my partner were together he had a fiancée all along and is getting married next month. I feel so betrayed, we have a baby together and he was awful to me during my pregnancy. I had a few suspicions but he always had excuses and said she was a colleague.

We split up during my pregnancy but then he came back after the baby was born proclaiming his love and said he’d make it up to me. My friend did some digging and found some SM accounts of his life with the OW he confessed and said they have been having an on/off relationship for years.

I am having such a hard time processing this and gave him a through home truths. The OW knows about me apparently and is happy to continue with the marriage. He has been sending very nasty messages saying “I don’t want him to move on” and “I’m an abuser” because I asked for child maintanence. I wish I never met him but how can I move on when we have a young child together and I have to keep seeing him?

@HoppingPavlova

Forgot to add he claimed his DW must have known as once he had dumped all of his pocket out which included a pretty direct mail between us that left no doubt on the counter at home and the next day he had found it neatly folded with the spare change from the pocket neatly stacked in a pile on top. No idea if she did read it though, he claimed it was a dead cert and ‘she wasn’t going to make a fuss’. Funnily, that still didn’t sway me.

That’s horrific so sorry you went through that what a horrible horrible man. X

You poor thing.

Focus on the future and getting your own place, get onto CMS for maintenance. Don’t engage with him more than you have to - is he likely to continue seeing your child?

What a rat he is. Neither of you or his fiancée would ever be happy with scum like he is. Contact child maintenance and block him. Don't give him another thought.

@howtoleaveit

Go through CMS. Send her and his parents and her parents a photo of the baby saying “before this marriage happens you should know we were together for two years and this is our child. He didn’t tell me anything about having a fiancée. He wanted this child. I’m now having to go through CMS to get him to look after his own child. Me and our child are victims of his lies and terrible treatment. I thought you should know what kind of man he is. If he can do this to me he can do this again. He lied for two years” They should all be told so they are aware.

This is spot on, and would be doing her the kindness of straight talking before she decides to have any c children with him.

That sounds shit.

I find it helpful to think of "moving forward" not "moving on" .

Like you say, you can't ever just forget about him and these events like they never happened and move on without a care in the world.

But you absolutely can move your life forward in a way that gets you to a place where you're content and the impact of this situation on your life is absolutely manageable with you feeling in control instead of hurt and helpless.

You might not be able to picture how yet but that's ok - you'll still get there, one step at a time.

I’ve ordered some books about healing and I am starting some counselling next week. Very keen to move forward as pp has said and I am being kind to myself, I’m a new mum and I am sure I can build a happy future and loving home on my own for my child.
I guess it’s just allowing myself to feel angry it’s how he’s acting as if it’s a very minor thing and I should just get over it and move on. There isn’t any empathy for me or his own child he’s only worried about himself and being exposed.
I feel so tempted to ask one of my friends to send her and her family some evidence as he’s probably accused me of being the crazy ex but nothing I can do will change anything and unfortunately she looks like his next victim. He also had another child from a previous relationship who he said she’s met, why would she accept that but not my baby?

Honestly I wouldn’t bother with her family as it’s really nothing to do with them if you really want any to know it would be his as they are the grandparents. But also be prepared to be ignored which could hurt you more than just not telling.

Just watch out that he doesn’t suddenly go self employed as a contractor for whatever company he actually works for. Depending on what he does he might be able to get his boss to switch him over like that quite easily, or depending how rich his about it to be wife’s family are he may become a a looked after man or working off the books for them. Again depending how wealthy she/they are they will no about this baby and be sorting out their affairs to make sure the baby has no claim on anything she brings to the marriage.

You are not an "OW"

He is a cheat.

💐

That sounds positive. It might be worth adding the Freedom Programme course to your list - it could help you navigate stuff with him when he is being coercive or controlling and also build a healthier future.

Personally I wouldn't fan the flames by sending stuff or trying to persuade her to leave him. You'll maybe feel better for half a second and then feel shit and out of control, especially if it kicks off. Revenge doesn't fix anything, it just hurts everyone involved.

As for her motivations, who knows? Probably protective denial - the man she knows doesn't match events, she trusts that man, she believes he will change, she doesn't want to lose him or their good times, she has dreams of a future like you did, she's not ready to accept who he is or the consequences of leaving him. She might be processing it all and leave in the future when she is ready.

Staying in a crap situation means you can avoid grieving for what it once was / what you hoped it would be and also avoid the fear and uncertainty of your life changing.

None of us can know but it's not really anyone's business but hers. If she wants to stay that's her choice not ours.

There are so many possible reasons why she is staying and doesn't want to hear it. Pushing it won't change that.

I would try to have compassion for her rather than seeing her as your enemy. Like you say, she's a victim of his too - he is the problem in all this.

Her family's priority will be protecting and supporting her. I can't see any version of events where they would appreciate you sending them stuff like that.

Absolutely allow yourself to feel angry so it can drain out of your system - you have every right to feel angry - but don't act on it.

There isn’t any point and she will find out for herself once the honeymoon period is over. I don’t believe he will ever change or I was the problem.

Giving the other woman information about what has happened would not be "revenge" for me. It would be to give her the option of following up if she wanted to. I understand why you might not choose to do it, and want to send you a hug. Just had to speak up about the suggestion that this would be revenge. My understanding of revenge is that it seeks primarily to hurt the person who hurt you, and probably doesn't serve any other purpose. Giving the other woman information is what many of us would wish for ourselves, if we were in her shoes.
You sound very level headed, OP, despite the dreadful shock you've had. Sounds like you are going to be a great mum

If she knows and she’s burying her head in the sand I’d leave her to it. She’s a fool. (She probably accepts the other child because it’s prior to her being with him, whereas if she accepts yours she has to admit he’s cheated. She’s in denial..) Just concentrate on you and your baby.

If anything, I’d wonder about telling his parents- just to inform them they’re grand parents again. Not ask for anything, just purely letting them know.