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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lazy Husband

30 replies

Vbaby86 · 15/02/2022 07:03

I can't help but think that this isn't right, but am I over reacting?
So I generally feel like our set up is 80/20. I do 80% of everything and he does 20.
When I ask him to do things he regularly forgets, he spends his life looking at his phone to the detriment of his relationship with our 2 year old who has spent the last 6 months refusing daddy for pretty much everything.
I've done the talking, sharing my feelings, explaining he needs to put the work in with our son to build up that connection, but nothing.

Well Valentines is my birthday, he got me a vday card and I admitted I hadn't got him one, but tbh I hate giving someone else a card on my birthday.
We don't do gifts, we mutually decided a while ago. Granted his bday sucked as our dd got covid and I had d&v and his gift is delayed til March, but I do basically look after everyone all the other days of the year.

Anyway, a few weeks ago dh asked me what I wanted. I said help, I just want more help.
He scoffed.
Cue today. He is off work all week with our daughter. He went for a walk with her and his parents where she held his dad's hand the whole time.
They had snacks and came back for lunch. She then watched Black Widow and revealed that he went to his room and left her to watch it alone. So he's off work to be with her and decides to do his own thing on his own instead. First thing I am annoyed about.
Secondly I arrived home to see no washing up had been done, washing hadn't been sorted, dog wasn't walked tea not attempted.
So after a day at work and him being home (and not with our daughter as I know he went to play on his room) I come back and have to wash up, sort the washing, make the kids their tea and tidy up.
I feel this is unacceptable any day, but it's my birthday god damn it and he scoffed at me saying all I wanted was help.
I feel furious.

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 15/02/2022 07:13

So sorry OP but the bottom line is he will never change. You have a choice stay and lump it or separate.
I had two useless lazy husbands and now live with with my DS and DIL who are 40. We share a house.
I wasn't prepared to be the scullery maid any more so got rid.
Sadly my DS has no relationship with his father because his father simply didn't put the leg work in.

blackdumpling · 15/02/2022 07:46

I find it odd that someone who is a seemingly disengaged parent
Needs to use their annual leave to spend time with their kids
Creating a bond & spending time with your kids
Should not require you to take annual leave
It should be a part of your everyday behaviour

blackdumpling · 15/02/2022 07:46

IMO

Noisyprat · 15/02/2022 07:59

You cannot change your DH's behaviour but you can change the way you act/react to it.

There are hundreds of threads like yours on here OP. I'm not sure whether posters are just looking for some sympathy/understanding or if they really want to change their situation.

Your post seems to say that he left your 2 year old alone watching tv - for how long? This would worry me frankly, not really a parent is he? He has absolutely no respect for you OP, not lifting a finger all day or making a small effort to make your birthday nice.

snowdropsanddaffodils · 15/02/2022 08:04

Unfortunately I don't think you'll change him - he's either an engaged parent or he isn't? It isn't behaviour that can be learned. I'm sure if you discuss this latest episode he'll still repeat it again next time. You either have to learn to ignore it and love with it or remove yourselves from the marriage.

Motnight · 15/02/2022 08:06

He is deliberately endangering your 2 year old by leaving her alone. And her watching Black Widow?!

AnotherSillawithanS · 15/02/2022 08:08

I had three children under 2, ex husband came home from work one day asked me what had I done all day. I out kids to bed and went to my mother's for a week. Cured him.

formalineadeline · 15/02/2022 08:16

He won't change and it's not called "help", looking after his home and children are his job too - not your job that you want favours with.

Inthesameboatatmo · 15/02/2022 08:19

God it could be my ex you are posting about op.
All I will say is this. He will never change never engage with the child and quite frankly can't be fuckin bothered. You need to throw him out, he will never change and will only make you more miserable. An ultimatum won't work on a man like this trust me . You seriously need to consider separating.

GaiusHelenMohiam · 15/02/2022 08:20

Black widow??

He’s a dick.

collieresponder88 · 15/02/2022 08:42

His a waste of space

SarahBellam · 15/02/2022 08:49

He let a 2 year old watch Black Widow? Good grief. It’s not Peppa Pig, that’s for sure. He sounds like a massive dick and he’s not going to change. No amount of yelling or pleading is going to change him. So you have two choices: put up with it or get rid of him. Remember you and he are role models for your children. Do you want them to grow up thinking this is a normal happy family?

JS87 · 15/02/2022 08:52

I think if you read the op clearly you will see there is more than one child. A two year old and a DD who is old enough to watch black widow and communicate with her mum that she watched it.

Original poster
Vbaby86 · 15/02/2022 09:36

Sorry all, I think my late night ramblings missed some key information off.
His relationship with our 2 year old son is strained.
He has taken time off to look after our older daughter for half term and she watched Black Widow.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vbaby86 · 15/02/2022 09:38

I guess I don't know if i am being silly as I have friends who have partners who have ups and downs in their ability to help etc and I think mine is the same. I guess I assumed that my birthday would be a day that he would make that extra effort and he didn't.
I'm not prepared to end my marriage right now, I suppose I want to see if there are things we can try so that it all becomes easier/he sees what is happening etc

OP posts:
layladomino · 15/02/2022 10:00

But you've already tried. You've spelled it out to him (and he laughed, and changed nothing). And, TBH, you shouldn't have to spell out to a grown adult that they should pull their weight and, you know, act like an adult, a parent.

He is lazy, doesn't care about your feelings or the fact that you have to work harder than him. Doesn't care enough about his children to want to spend time with them or just do basic care even. He is selfish and entitled and thinks your job is to look after the children and him.

It makes me so angry that you are putting up with his awful, childish, selfish, lazy behaviour.

It isn't your job to coach him in to being a decent human being, nor is it possible to do so. He knows what he's doing but is choosing to be the way he is, even though it causes you stress and upset. I would genuinely consider leaving for this. It isn't 'just' about the workload, it's about the lack of care for you and his family.

Alcemeg · 15/02/2022 10:03

Kill him, OP. I wouldn't normally advise this, but it's all he's good for. You don't want to dump him and have some other poor woman have to put up with this sort of thing. Flowers

Inthesameboatatmo · 15/02/2022 10:09

You've got a long road ahead of you then op. Good luck you will need it.Flowers

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/02/2022 10:17

I suppose I want to see if there are things we can try so that it all becomes easier/he sees what is happening etc

He does see what's happening.

He sees that he doesn't need to make any effort as a father or partner and you'll stay and pick up the slack.

And that's just how he likes it.

Don't be tempted to think he doesn't understand the dynamic. He absolutely does.

He just doesn't give a fuck that it makes everyone else's lives shitter as long as he can do what he likes.

Stop modelling this dynamic to your kids. The longer you stay in this relationship the more likely it is your daughter will end up in one with the same dynamic, being treated like this by a man. Can you live with that?

SoItWas · 15/02/2022 10:18

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

Stop doing anything for him. Don't do his laundry, washing, drying, ironing, nothing. Don't cook for him. Get a cardboard box for anything he leaves laying at his arse for more than 3 days (so you don't put it back where it belongs, put it in the box for him to sort), etc. Don't remind of about his parents birthdays, or any appointments. If he asks for wifework of any kind, say "do you want me to start wiping your arse for you too?"

Take yourself off for a few hours when he gets home, leave him with the dc. While he's off for a week, take yourself off for a whole day, just announce, "right, I'm off, bye!"

Do still clean as usual.

He'll either realise how much you do for him, and be contrite, or he'll think about leaving you, to go home to his mummy, or to find another woman to mother him instead. If he does the latter, it'll prove just what a twat he is, and how you're well rid of such a man child.

formalineadeline · 15/02/2022 12:58

I suppose I want to see if there are things we can try so that it all becomes easier/he sees what is happening etc

"We try" ? It wouldn't be "we" trying it would be you alone trying. He's not interested in anything changing.

He does know what is happening. He's a grown adult who holds down a job - does he do nothing at work and expect a woman to do his job for him? No, course not.

You can't change other people only yourself. Doesn't matter what or how long you try.

Original poster
Vbaby86 · 15/02/2022 13:21

Thanks all. I think there is an overwhelming concensus here and I think I will need some time to process and question my options and the impact they have.

Really appreciate all your honesty and at least it is not that I am being unreasonable to expect more from him.

OP posts:
formalineadeline · 15/02/2022 13:32

All the best whatever you decide.

Nanny0gg · 15/02/2022 14:37

@Vbaby86

I guess I don't know if i am being silly as I have friends who have partners who have ups and downs in their ability to help etc and I think mine is the same. I guess I assumed that my birthday would be a day that he would make that extra effort and he didn't. I'm not prepared to end my marriage right now, I suppose I want to see if there are things we can try so that it all becomes easier/he sees what is happening etc
They are not supposed to 'help'. It's as much their role as it is yours, even if one person is the one with more of an overview of it all.

He does see. He sees and as he's getting away with it he doesn't care and has no need to change.

And to be honest, I doubt he ever will.

So what do you really want to do?

2DogsOnMySofa · 15/02/2022 14:43

Today if you get home and it's the same, grab the kids and take them to McDonald's, have your tea there and leave everything as it is in the house. Don't wash a cup or dish or make him tea. Down tools, do none of his washing or cooking, just look after and and your dc.

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