Mother and stepfather pressurising me

[cherry774589]

Hi guys, I apologize for being so young but I have heard from others how valuable mumsnet is for advice so I hope you don’t mind me posting here.

My mother and stepfather have been talking to me for a few months now about moving out to be more independent. I am 19 years old. I have a job on weekends only and am a full time college student during the week. I don’t have the money to move out. They want me to move out with my boyfriend of 5 months and I keep telling them we are not together long enough nor financially stable to do so. When I say this they tell me to move out on my own as they did it when they were younger. They don’t realize it is a completely different time nowadays and it is impossible to move out especially on my own. It is extremely hard to get accommodation nowadays but they can’t see it. I am now so stressed about money and trying to find a place as they told me to move out by the end of March. I feel so much pressure I don’t know how to get them to see it’s not feasible

They sounds very unreasonable. Can you sit down with them, go through your finances (income etc) and a list of available properties and SHOW them that you literally cannot afford it?

Very sorry they are making you feel so bad.

But I think you sound very sensible. 5 months is too soon and being pushed into living with your boyfriend just has disaster written all over it.

Who is the driving force behind their desire to get you to move out- your DM or Step dad?
Do you pull your weight at home? Cleaning up after yourself? Doing chores? Cooking the occasional meal for them?
Do you have a welfare officer at college who could help?

Weird that they're pressuring you to move out so young because they did when your moms relationship at that age clearly didn't last!

Is your dad around, or any grandparents?

I’m so sorry OP that your mother is kicking you out.
Your college may have a hardship bursary to help with housing costs. Contact your them and explain the situation.
Do you have any friends or siblings or is your dad an option to move in with?

I would second the advice to approach your college. I work in the pastoral team for the sixth form of a large college and they have bursary funds to help students like you, (a post-16 version of Pupil Premium) and should be able to signpost you in the direction of more help. I'm really sorry your mother and stepfather aren't being more supportive though.

I think this is dreadful of them! And totally irresponsible of them to push you into moving in with a boyfriend you’ve known for a short time simply to accommodate them!
Who’s the main driver here? - yr stepfather or yr Mother? Sorry but they sound awful. I feel for you living in such an unfriendly atmosphere. You sound like sensible person, don’t be swayed by their selfishness.

Try findaroomate.com or similar. Great for finding a house share.

How long has your stepfather been in your life?;do you get on?;sadly I've seen more than one teenager/young adult be hounded out of their home by a step parent.

I do wonder as your DM will still be receiving tax credits and child benefit for you if she'll be planning on telling the relevant people although your still in full time education you won't be living there anymore.

Definitely speak to student welfare at your college and give the charity shelter a call.

Looking at your spelling I was just wondering if you are American?
It's quite hard for many of us to give practical advice if you are because Mumsnet is a UK based forum.
Do you have contact with your dad?

Have they given you a reason op?

Oh I’m so sorry. This happened to me and it was horrific. Agree with those above to go to welfare officer at college.

You will be able to find a houseshare and make it work xxx

I do wonder as your DM will still be receiving tax credits and child benefit

I'm actually wondering if this is why?...because it's due to end soon? This summer? - if op is in uk

I too am wondering if she is in USA where help and support is very different

Welfare Officer.
And contact the council and see if you can go on the housing waiting list.

I don't know what the relationship is like with your Mum and Step father, but at 19, you are supposed to be capable of leaving home.

Though it's by no means easy, previous generations were all leaving home far sooner than they seem to do these days.

I totally disagree with you about the 'different world out there' attitude, as it's always been a 'different world' for every single generation.

Working at 1 part-time job at the weekend only probably won't earn you enough to get a place of your own, but there's nothing stopping you getting another part-time job in the evenings e.g as bar staff or waiting staff etc.

Working 2 part-time jobs would earn you enough to get a room in a house share with other students.

Loads of students expect their parents to continue to 'fund' them, simply because they are 'students', but there's nothing stopping you from working more than weekends. Saying that you need the evenings to 'study' is not true, you can study whenever you have some free time e.g for 2hrs after college before your job starts + after work + weekend evenings etc.

You can do it, even if you need to 'study' in short blocks (which is actually a more effective method as long blocks of study are less productive)

I personally worked 3 jobs while I was at Uni so I could afford to not live with my parents. It gave me new friends, a varied social life and an appreciation of hard work paying dividends for me.

It's horrible if you feel 'pushed out' of your home, but you are an adult now, so maybe it's time to take on the responsibility of housing yourself.

I think you should move out. Not because you should be capable of it ( which I’m sure you are) but because the people who are supposed to love you and supposed to provide a home for you, clearly don’t want to. That must feel awful, and I’m sorry about that.

I would start looking for a house share. I did it in my younger days and it was loads of fun, and awful at times, but I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. Don’t, whatever you do, move in with your boyfriend. You’re way too young for that. Good luck. X

So sorry you are going through this as you are in college and doing your best and working weekends. Rent and bills ridiculously high now and there is no comparison to when I was younger and rent for a full house was only 60 per week and that was in town. But did not have all the mod cons that many have now. You need to sit down with your mum and try to talk to her and tell her the stress and worry you are feeling and how you are not moving in with your boyfriend and I agree it is far too soon and should not be a decision that you feel forced into. Do you get on with the step-dad and would he be the one forcing the issue. Talk to someone at your college and there should be counsellors and someone to give you some help. I could not do that to my son. Rents are crazy high now and they sound so selfish to be trying to force you out.

@gonnascreamsoon

I don't know what the relationship is like with your Mum and Step father, but at 19, you are supposed to be capable of leaving home.

Though it's by no means easy, previous generations were all leaving home far sooner than they seem to do these days.

I totally disagree with you about the 'different world out there' attitude, as it's always been a 'different world' for every single generation.

Working at 1 part-time job at the weekend only probably won't earn you enough to get a place of your own, but there's nothing stopping you getting another part-time job in the evenings e.g as bar staff or waiting staff etc.

Working 2 part-time jobs would earn you enough to get a room in a house share with other students.

Loads of students expect their parents to continue to 'fund' them, simply because they are 'students', but there's nothing stopping you from working more than weekends. Saying that you need the evenings to 'study' is not true, you can study whenever you have some free time e.g for 2hrs after college before your job starts + after work + weekend evenings etc.

You can do it, even if you need to 'study' in short blocks (which is actually a more effective method as long blocks of study are less productive)

I personally worked 3 jobs while I was at Uni so I could afford to not live with my parents. It gave me new friends, a varied social life and an appreciation of hard work paying dividends for me.

It's horrible if you feel 'pushed out' of your home, but you are an adult now, so maybe it's time to take on the responsibility of housing yourself.

It IS a different world out there. It was far easier when I was a student. Fees, rent and cost of living have skyrocketed in terms of living wage. I worked 2 jobs as a student and it did no favours for my studies. I was constantly exhausted. It was no quality of life.

Minimum wage for a 19yo would make it impossible to support yourself and study full time. I agree that you may need to look at a student home share, but please go and see your college welfare officer and tell them you are being made homeless. There will be student loans you can access to help.

I think that is fucking shitty of them.
You are being very sensible to not want to move in with your boyfriend after such a short time.

Perhaps go to the college and say your mum is throwing you out, can they help - they may have information that can help you. Talk to shelter.

I'd be on the phone in front of them asking for help because your mum is throwing you out.

Absolutely fucking awful of them both but your mother should be putting you first

You can't stay if they don't want you to. You are legally an adult. So although they are imo pieces of shit for doing this, you have to find somewhere to go.

Oh, and if they are getting any benefits for you (parents can claim for students in ft education who are under 20 ) - notify the benefits office when yno longer live there.

Apply with the council and tell them you're being made homeless, also go to student services at your college, they can help with the practicalities of finance and also for any emotional support you need.

I moved out at 15, so I get how hard it is, but its absolutely possible.

It sounds like, even if you stay put, your living situation will be unbearable unfortunately.

I would 100% remember this when they need your help with anything.

That's really awful of them. There's no way that you can afford a place of your own at 19, and encouraging you to move in with a bf of 5 months is plain stupid of them.

Would you say you have a good relationship with your mum, generally? Do you think your step dad is the driving force behind this? Your mum might not genuinely want it (I say that as I can't imagine encouraging my 19 year old to leave home unless they really wanted to and could afford to do so).

I'm sorry you're in this position. Most 19 year old don't have the wherewithall to move out. People did move out younger decades ago, but the cost of living was cheaper then PLUS I think we've all learned now that it's not a good thing to encourage early marriage etc. Much better to get qualifications and a career first.

Can you talk to your mum and find out why she thinks you should leave? That you can't afford to do it on your own and it would be mindless stupidity to move in with a bf of 5 months.

@gonnascreamsoon are you the OPs mum? You sound horrible tbh. Your post sounds heartless and does not take into account a person's energy or wellbeing. It's not OK to expect someone to work evenings, weekend and full time at college. It's not sustainable.

FFS @gonnascreamsoon of course it’s a different world. Rent, cost of living increases - and the OP isn’t even at uni yet she’s still doing college.

I say this as someone who left home at 16 btw.

They sound so heartless! I would see student welfare at the college. Does the college have halls you can move into or a student house share?