Mother and stepfather pressurising me

[cherry774589]

Hi guys, I apologize for being so young but I have heard from others how valuable mumsnet is for advice so I hope you don’t mind me posting here.

My mother and stepfather have been talking to me for a few months now about moving out to be more independent. I am 19 years old. I have a job on weekends only and am a full time college student during the week. I don’t have the money to move out. They want me to move out with my boyfriend of 5 months and I keep telling them we are not together long enough nor financially stable to do so. When I say this they tell me to move out on my own as they did it when they were younger. They don’t realize it is a completely different time nowadays and it is impossible to move out especially on my own. It is extremely hard to get accommodation nowadays but they can’t see it. I am now so stressed about money and trying to find a place as they told me to move out by the end of March. I feel so much pressure I don’t know how to get them to see it’s not feasible

Hard facts of life are that once you reach 18 parents legally aren't responsible for you any more. Not very nice of your mother to do this, but you can't insist on staying in their home I they don't want you there.

Extra education is a luxury that not everyone can afford. If you need to get a full time job so you can afford move into a flat share, then this is what you'll have to do. First priority with your timescale for leaving is to get any full time job.

Later, if you can get a job with some kind of career progression then in time you might be able to afford to go to evening classes or do an open university degree, in order to get the career you want or a better one than you're in.

I agree not to move in with your boyfriend before the relationship is ready for that step, if it ever is.

Unless you are literally eating them out of house and home and coming home blind drunk every night in the early hours they’re being unreasonable. But I don’t know what you can actually “do” - in some ways (having come from a shitty family myself) it may be better to take a second job around college (evenings?) and try to find some sort of room / flat share? It would be hard but at least you won’t have them going on at you.

@gonnascreamsoon I was asked to leave home at 20. My step father went one step further and 'found' a flat for me to move into. It was dark and damp and the landlords (a Christian organisation funnily enough) couldn't give a shit about the dodgy boiler which meant I had no hot water or heating every few days or the mould in the bed room. I worked 3 jobs while at uni too. I lived off £7 a week to feed myself after all bills and rent were paid, ate one meal a day. My student loan didn't cover my rent. I was hideously depressed and lonely. It also means I've never been able to save for a deposit and currently, in my mid 30's, I don't own my own home and won't until one of my parents die. You were lucky enough to have a student loan to pay your rent. The OP does not as she's at college.

@cherry774589 Is your father around to help? Any grandparents? I would go to see your tutor or colllege pastoral team for some support. They may be able to advise you of some options. Sometimes other families take in students.

Few on here very unreasonable going on about how they worked 3 jobs. That is not helping the person here and how the hell are you meant to have 3 jobs and study. Think it is so selfish of the mum and putting the stepdad first, never understand how a parent can do this to their own child. Sounds like they really are selfish and just putting themselves first.

@gonnascreamsoon

I don't know what the relationship is like with your Mum and Step father, but at 19, you are supposed to be capable of leaving home.

Though it's by no means easy, previous generations were all leaving home far sooner than they seem to do these days.

I totally disagree with you about the 'different world out there' attitude, as it's always been a 'different world' for every single generation.

Working at 1 part-time job at the weekend only probably won't earn you enough to get a place of your own, but there's nothing stopping you getting another part-time job in the evenings e.g as bar staff or waiting staff etc.

Working 2 part-time jobs would earn you enough to get a room in a house share with other students.

Loads of students expect their parents to continue to 'fund' them, simply because they are 'students', but there's nothing stopping you from working more than weekends. Saying that you need the evenings to 'study' is not true, you can study whenever you have some free time e.g for 2hrs after college before your job starts + after work + weekend evenings etc.

You can do it, even if you need to 'study' in short blocks (which is actually a more effective method as long blocks of study are less productive)

I personally worked 3 jobs while I was at Uni so I could afford to not live with my parents. It gave me new friends, a varied social life and an appreciation of hard work paying dividends for me.

It's horrible if you feel 'pushed out' of your home, but you are an adult now, so maybe it's time to take on the responsibility of housing yourself.

So you acknowledge it's a different world out there but don't think it should be a factor? Righto. But good for you for doing something you wanted to do which isn't the same here anyway.

That must be so hurtful for you, why are they so anxious to get rid of you? As for setting up home with your boyfriend of five months, you're right that it's too soon.

I think they are being mean. You'll be gone soon enough anyway, when you can afford it, just not yet.

However, as others have suggested, do look into ways of finding and funding accommodation; I expect you want to after what they said. I really am sorry for you about this.

Christ, there are some hard-faced posters on here.

OP - are you at university or doing a course/vocational study at a college of FE? Are there halls of residence you are able to move into?

@ABCeasyasdohrayme

Apply with the council and tell them you're being made homeless, also go to student services at your college, they can help with the practicalities of finance and also for any emotional support you need.

I moved out at 15, so I get how hard it is, but its absolutely possible.

It sounds like, even if you stay put, your living situation will be unbearable unfortunately.

I would 100% remember this when they need your help with anything.

Good advice.

How awful for you.

Go to the University services asap and tell them what is going on at home and ask for assistance.

I cannot imagine why parents would do this to a child that is not causing trouble and grief in the home.

Is this them wanting privacy?

If so, it is awful of them.

Please, please do not allow this to derail your education.

Your education is your future.

@ChateauxNeufDePoop

Did you miss the part about it ALWAYS being a 'different world out there' Chateaux ?

Every single generation has had to navigate a 'different world' to the ones their parents did !

I moved out, to London, in the 80's. Right smack bang in the middle of the highest unemployment on record and a major recession ffs !

It's NOT impossible ! (Neither is it the OP's choice)

But, like it or not, the OP IS an adult, regardless of whether or not they are at college/Uni etc. And as an adult, they ARE able to support themselves should they need to ! (Unless there are some sort of hidden 'disabilities' etc)

It's not easy.
It's hard work.
But it's entirely do-able !

Dear OP
I'm sorry you are facing this. Have you heard of Foyers, which provide supported housing for young people aged 16-25? Have a look at this link.

I'm going to say this once more, for the cheap seats, who either cannot understand, or are simply willfully misunderstanding ?

It's ALWAYS a DIFFERENT WORLD ! For EVERY generation !

It's always MORE expensive !
It's ALWAYS hard to find accommodation !
It's ALWAYS hard to get a job !
It's HARD to work AND study ! etc etc

It DOESN'T mean it CAN'T be done !

YES, it's hard !
YES, it's tough !
YES, it's DO-ABLE !
and NO, it's NOT what the OP wants, but it IS the situation they are IN !

So, instead of making the OP feel that life is simply impossible, I'D rather full them with a feeling of ''Yes, I CAN do this if I have to !''

Literally MILLIONS of people do it every bloody year, in many 'developed' countries around the world !!

You are all making the OP feel like it's HOPELESS to even bloody try to support themselves, when IT'S NOT !!

@Ekekekeke

I'm sorry that your experience was so terrible, but I never had a student loan to pay my rent, so I'm not sure if you've confused my post with another ?

I paid my rent by working 3 jobs and renting out my bedroom to another student. So I too lived in a 1 bed flat, but I slept in the living room. There was no central heating, we used calor gas heaters which ran on paraffin. We also had damp.

However, once I graduated, I managed to work in a well paid job, and got myself on the housing ladder as soon as I could by getting a 100% mortgage. Eventually I married and had 2 kids.

I then got divorced, and had to begin all over again !

Now, many years later, I own my home 100%, my kids are grown (1 with special needs), and I'm looking towards retirement with trepidation.

But I NEVER, EVER let myself feel I COULDN'T do things !
I ALWAYS try to view it as HOW can I do this !

I hope you can find the 'how' in your life too.

Loads of students expect their parents to continue to 'fund' them, simply because they are 'students', but there's nothing stopping you from working more than weekends. Saying that you need the evenings to 'study' is not true, you can study whenever you have some free time e.g for 2hrs after college before your job starts + after work + weekend evenings etc

Ridiculous thing to say when you don't know anything about OP's college course or how much she is already working at weekends.