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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me understand my soon to be ex husband

38 replies

cato40 · 14/02/2022 12:36

Hi, can anyone help me uderstand what is in my husband's mind and why he's behaving the way he is?
I found him cheating with a past girlfriend, he admitted to it and said he is in love, don't know when it started, anything between 4 months to a year. She lives in the US and we are in England so it is a distance thing but they travelled to places together. Long term they want to move together in their home country in Asia (with our children, but that is another story). we live in England and OW in the States she has two kids (9 and 11 yo) there, and we have two (5 and 9yo). Divorce application in progress and solicitor appointed.
So he tells me he doesn't want to rush our divorce, doesn't want us to tell the kids before of a few months, not tell family and friends, even suggested we go on a last holiday as a family this summer i didn't agree to! and this morning even wanted a happy valentine hug!
He has been treating me and our elder girl badly for the last year, probably since he started this relationship (fatshaming and making us feel inadequate, we look and act very much alike and I think he is using her as a proxi for me), it only improved now that he knows I know. I want out of this toxic relationship and want to leave in the best possible terms as we can't splash out on solicitors, so trying to keeping it amicable. However his expectation is tha I should play happy family with him for a bit longer, while the OW sorts herself out of her marriage. It hurts so much, I feel used and my feelings totally disregarded.
OW's husband is desperate and wants her to stay regardless of this relationship and maybe my husband wishes for me to do the same? Until they are ready to go? I am the only non Asian here, they all come from the same town and I can imagine that if uncovered this story would bring shame to my husband's and the other couple's families that are back there in the same town, but it is not my problem. It may be that OW and her husband decide to stay together to keep face in front of their community and she keeps the relationship with my husband on the side, probably my husband wants the same? I told him it is not an option but feel being forced into it regardless.
In the meantime I haven't told my family thinking first to agree amicalbly on terms of divorce and then tell as I can imagine my family will be upset.
Is this behaviour common by a cheating husband (taking time and trying to play happy family while continuing with this other relationship)? Should I wait to agree financials and child arrangements before telling my family?
Is there something I should be careful of? Anyone had similar experiences? I am so confused and don't know what to expect next!
Many thanks!

OP posts:

Hb12 · 14/02/2022 12:38

I would start telling people and getting support. Do you understand your financial position?

It isn't up to him how this goes. ❤️

Theunamedcat · 14/02/2022 12:39

Tell your family don't let him control you unsupported people make mistakes you need support

thisplaceisweird · 14/02/2022 12:39

I think you need to start living separately asap. It's not ok for him to keep blowing hot and cold on you, and you should be protecting your daughter. Feel free to tell your family and friends, it's your choice not his. You really don't need to play by his rules. What about your opinions and choices?

Chasingsquirrels · 14/02/2022 12:40

It shouldn't matter to you what he wants (and what he wants is, as the saying goes, to have his cake and eat it).

What should matter now, to you, is what you want.

Honeyroar · 14/02/2022 12:42

He’s set this ball rolling. It’s in your court now to decide where it goes next. You get to decide how this break up happens. He’s being really unreasonable expecting you to accept that he’s in love with someone else but wants you to put on a front that all is normal until his ducks are lined up!! Sod that! Get him out and work towards a better life for you and the kids without him,

Original poster

cato40 · 14/02/2022 12:48

Because he plans to move abroad with the other woman and possibly taking the kids I was advised to keep him close (to prevent abduction risk, his home country is non Hague) so not kicking him out soon. I don't depend financially on him but put a lot more in the family home than he did so hoping he will recognise that and I don't end up maintaing him and OW!

OP posts:

BuddhaAtSea · 14/02/2022 12:49

The only thing you need to ‘understand’ is that he is no longer your partner. He is the father of your children, but you are not responsible for his relationship with them. So any attempt to smooth things over for the children’s sake is absolutely and utterly futile. Not your responsibility. He fucked it up, he sorts it with the kids.
Tell everyone and proceed with the divorce.

HollowTalk · 14/02/2022 13:05

The shorter your marriage the better the chance you have of keeping your original money. I would separate finances immediately.

Do your children have passports? If so I would ask a very, very trusted person to look after them - in fact I'd ask the bank to store them if I thought my family might pass them on. If they don't have passports, I'd send off for them immediately and keep them safe, as above.

Then I would tell absolutely everyone that the marriage had ended and why. Don't keep his secrets for him.

HollowTalk · 14/02/2022 13:06

This is what the Citizens' Advice Bureau has to say about passports.

Original poster

cato40 · 14/02/2022 13:14

Thank you Hollw Talk, I have consulted with Reunite, the child abduction prevention charity and got that side sorted. Now I am torn between playing his game for the sake of him to agree to me having a bigger share of the family home or just go on and tell my family so that he doesn't get his ducks in a row, which I think is what he is doing. All our finances have been separate except for the house and that is the only thing I am holding on for. Wonder if it is worth it! I wonder if once close family are involved if that could impact what is left of our relationship, upset him and play to my disadvantage?

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 14/02/2022 13:18

Do you really think he’ll agree to giving you a bigger share of the house? He’s planning a future with another woman, he’s thinking about himself and her, wanting to take your kids. He’s not going to play fair, surely!

bongobingo43 · 14/02/2022 13:22

@cato40

Get your DC's passports now, give them to a friend or family member to keep at their property and he won't be taking them anywhere

litterbird · 14/02/2022 13:24

He is not bothered about you one bit. He is only thinking of himself and his OW. You are not together now. It’s time for you to move on. Keeping the peace is just you bending yourself out of shape to please him and his OW, just stop. You will make mistakes. Tell your family and friends, get a good lawyer and start calling the shots for your life.

Brakebackcyclebot · 14/02/2022 13:42

Take control OP. Get legal advice as well as the advice about abduction. Get the ball rolling. At the moment you are in limbo, waiting on his actions and you already think he is getting his ducks in a row. Get yours in a row quicker. Tell your family and friends.

This doesn't sound like a split that will stay amicable, I'm sorry. You need good advice, and fast.

Polyanthus2 · 14/02/2022 13:51

It is cruel to entangle your DCs in this farce - a weird half marriage - what do they think IS going on - they could be imagining any sort of thing as you can be sure they will have picked up the vibes eg Dad has cancer and no one is telling us etc etc
Secondly his treatment of his DD is absolutely disgusting.
I cannot remotely see why not telling everyone and explaining (without blame if you choose to) that you are sadly splitting but that the children will come first etc etc is the think to do. People will rally round. The DCs will get a chance to get their heads round this and be given an opportunity to air any fears or worries they have about the future. Why would you not do that????

Original poster

cato40 · 14/02/2022 14:25

Thank you all, I do want to tell my loved ones, have told a few friends but not family. As we are still talking to each other and agree on keeping it amicable I fear that if I tell family and closer friends it would damage this shared understanding of keeping it amicable and do more damage. Of course I won't know until I do and don't like playing his game but I do feel paralysed that once I did it and tell family there no undoing of that! Is it common that a wayward partner wants to keep their affair quiet for some time?

OP posts:

Crocky · 14/02/2022 14:29

This holiday he suggested, wasn’t to visit his family abroad was it?

Suzanne999 · 14/02/2022 14:41

Do you have passports for the children? If you do keep them safe, send them to a family member or friend you trust if necessary.
Do not let your husband remove the children from Britain. I lived in the Middle East for two years and heard numerous stories of children who’d been taken from Britain by fathers. One young European woman was stuck out there as she wouldn’t leave without her child but husband refused to let child leave.
Tell your family what is going on, you need their support. If it shames your husband, so be it, it’s of his making.
Get together as much money as you can, from bank accounts, savings etc.. and keep this where your STBX can’t find it.
In your shoes I’d get out now with the children and leave solicitors to sort out the finances of the house.
Your H sounds manipulative and used to having his own way, I wouldn’t trust him.
Good luck, I hope everything works out, I’m sure you’ll be happier away from him.

Suzanne999 · 14/02/2022 14:42

And maybe he wants to keep it quiet so if the OW decides to stay with her husband he loses nothing —- no face lost, you’ll stay and he’ll pretend nothings happened. He’s very much eating his cake and keeping it.

Kdubs1981 · 14/02/2022 15:01

Tell someone you trust and take important docs to their house for safe keeping (children's passports and birth certificates)

Cherrysoup · 14/02/2022 16:16

Don’t let him have care of the dc alone. Tell your family, you need support. You’re going to have to see a solicitor so you can sort out the house, possibly get an occupation order and get him out. Don’t tolerate him telling you how to behave/what to tell people, he’s the cheater!

Tillymintpolo · 14/02/2022 16:19

If your children don’t have passports then get them and hide them somewhere safe

Tillymintpolo · 14/02/2022 16:19

And absolutely tell people what he’s up to

Original poster

cato40 · 14/02/2022 17:36

Thank you all, I get from all these comments that it is naive of me to think that if I play along with his game he may bugger off abroad with OW and leave us alone? Thought with her having two kids on her own and all being primary school age, how would they enjoy their romance with four girls that don't know each other in tow, the 9 and 11 yo won't be pleased and ruin the dream for them? More practical to leave kids behind and start afresh, that is what most men that walk away from their families do no??

OP posts:

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 14/02/2022 17:45

Don't let him call all the shots, and don't be held to ransom in the hope that he will behave reasonably over the settlement. The sooner you live separate lives the better for you, and particularly your DD. FWIW I kicked XH out when he started picking on DD. I figured if I chose to tolerate his crap it was my decision as an adult, but I needed to protect DD. I'm sure you will feel better once you have rid of him.

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