Help me understand my soon to be ex husband

[cato40]

Hi, can anyone help me uderstand what is in my husband's mind and why he's behaving the way he is?
I found him cheating with a past girlfriend, he admitted to it and said he is in love, don't know when it started, anything between 4 months to a year. She lives in the US and we are in England so it is a distance thing but they travelled to places together. Long term they want to move together in their home country in Asia (with our children, but that is another story). we live in England and OW in the States she has two kids (9 and 11 yo) there, and we have two (5 and 9yo). Divorce application in progress and solicitor appointed.
So he tells me he doesn't want to rush our divorce, doesn't want us to tell the kids before of a few months, not tell family and friends, even suggested we go on a last holiday as a family this summer i didn't agree to! and this morning even wanted a happy valentine hug!
He has been treating me and our elder girl badly for the last year, probably since he started this relationship (fatshaming and making us feel inadequate, we look and act very much alike and I think he is using her as a proxi for me), it only improved now that he knows I know. I want out of this toxic relationship and want to leave in the best possible terms as we can't splash out on solicitors, so trying to keeping it amicable. However his expectation is tha I should play happy family with him for a bit longer, while the OW sorts herself out of her marriage. It hurts so much, I feel used and my feelings totally disregarded.
OW's husband is desperate and wants her to stay regardless of this relationship and maybe my husband wishes for me to do the same? Until they are ready to go? I am the only non Asian here, they all come from the same town and I can imagine that if uncovered this story would bring shame to my husband's and the other couple's families that are back there in the same town, but it is not my problem. It may be that OW and her husband decide to stay together to keep face in front of their community and she keeps the relationship with my husband on the side, probably my husband wants the same? I told him it is not an option but feel being forced into it regardless.
In the meantime I haven't told my family thinking first to agree amicalbly on terms of divorce and then tell as I can imagine my family will be upset.
Is this behaviour common by a cheating husband (taking time and trying to play happy family while continuing with this other relationship)? Should I wait to agree financials and child arrangements before telling my family?
Is there something I should be careful of? Anyone had similar experiences? I am so confused and don't know what to expect next!
Many thanks!

I have been through a divorce and a few of my friends as well.
So my main advice is - its all good to hope for the best outcome (staying amicable, etc) - but don’t count on it. Once you start dividing assets and time with kids - all goes out of the window. He will be fighting for his side. You - for yours.

So - don’t now do things and force yourself to ensure this way of living with a false hope.
He will claim what he will claim. Technically 50/50 is the starting point.
You may well end up having to spend some money on legal advice - as it is your and your kids future you’ll be defending.
It is likely, given his plans to move away and uncertainty of getting any sort of child support from another country - that the court will indeed award you a bigger share of the house. But you’ll need a lawyer to write it all up well for the court.
As to his plans to move with the kids - don’t even engage in ‘discussions’ about that. No court would approve such a move in your situation against resident U.K. parent. If he brings it up - just say ‘we will take it to court, if this is what you are suggesting’. And no discussion. As it’ll only get heated and non productive.
He will not actually go to court over this, as he will know he has no chance. But he may use this threat to bully you. Don’t let him.
(On that note - as you probably already know - remove kids birth certificates and passports from the house - store them at your parents/friends place)

I agree with waiting to tell the kids as you haven’t sorted things through. Kids don’t do well with uncertainly and conflict of divorce.
Me and my ex only told the kids after we could tell them how they will be sharing their time and where we all will be living. We tried as much as we could to keep the arguments/negotiations away from their ears.
Adults - friends and family we told after divorce was filed.

It’s really hard. Splitting and dividing your life is the most difficult thing I have ever done.
Sorry

@Jsku thank you that is very useful advice

You need to take the steps to protect yourself and the children now. Don't let him call the shots. He doesn't want anyone else to know because it's suits him to stay you for now.

Is the holiday he wants to go on (with you pretending all is still normal) to his home country in Asia?

No, no plans to go on holiday to his home country together, He was talking about family beach holiday, I joked if he wanted to go to the States where OW lives!
Tonight he came home with flowers for the 'women of the house' and asked for us not to be enemies after this morning I refused to to hug him and wish him happy valentine!

OP, this is not going to be amicable. The sooner you realise that and rip the band aid off, the better for you and your children.

I would definitely push for a larger % of the house given he'll move abroad as soon as he can. Offer him a clean break, see if he takes it.

Please go and talk to a divorce solicitor - you can’t afford not to as you’ve got to put yourself and your children first. You cannot trust him.

@MaChienEstUnDick

OP, this is not going to be amicable. The sooner you realise that and rip the band aid off, the better for you and your children.

I would definitely push for a larger % of the house given he'll move abroad as soon as he can. Offer him a clean break, see if he takes it.

This.

You need to accept it won't be amicable, see a solicitor to find out where you stand and then have a conversation and if necessary start mediation.

OP, you're actually colluding with this man to hide his dirty little secret even though you are the one most to lose and who is the most hurt. Stop covering for him. You owe him nothing. Put yourself and your children first - that is what you have to do. Get him out of the house and file for divorce. Stop letting him dictate your actions.

Wherever he wants to go on holiday, if its abroad you will have the passports with you and that makes them more accessible to him, so dont agree to it. If what he really wants is family time you can go somewhere in this country, as location doesn't matter

Tell everyone, so that you get as much support as possible. Ensure that all important documents are safe, especially passports. Potentially, alert the relevant Home Office section and check out this link www.gov.uk/stop-child-passport to prevent your ex from applying for new passports.

Also, re your point about whether the kids would be in the way if they took them to his home country, he has not necessarily thought this through and may have a rosy idea of how it will be that is not at all realistic, or he plans for his family to do lots of childcare, or he expects OW to look after them while he just gets on with his own life and she is just a convenience to him in his plan to return home.

Or another possibility is it is just control and pride.

Don't try and guess his motives based on your own values!

Yep, would agree that he needs to leave the home too. But legally it obviously isn't straight-foward. Don't expect not to have to fight with such a cheat.