25 year old dd living at home having had mental health issues

[Blewbury65]

I am writing to ask if anybody else has a similar frustration. Our 25 yr old dd is still living at home with us in London as she didn't finish her degree and she has gone back to the drawing board to start again. She didn't finish her degree first time round because of mental health issues and anxiety and she worked for a few years before deciding that she did want to be better qualified. She finds herself now in a position where most of her friends from university are well employed in London and many are settled with boyfriends and good salaries which often makes her feel that she is way behind everybody else in life. She sometimes feels that because she is living at home and back in education she is living a bit like a teenager.

This is where my frustration comes in. Although she has decided to study again, she is living a bit like a teenager. She has a busy weekend of socialising so today she said she will have a duvet day. I feel because she had to leave university the first time due to mental health issues, I bend over backwards to accommodate her. Sometimes, I am not sure if she has me over a barrel because she has taken an overdose a few times during her student years and therefore I am always jumping in to solve any problems if she has them as I am so scared of her doing anything like that again. I feel because of this I am enabling her ie when she was late for a tutorial last week I actually drove her there to make sure she got there on time. Her time management is appalling and she often ends up taking an Uber so that she gets somewhere on time when she could have just got out of bed earlier and been more organised. It frustrates me so much to see her make these very basic mistakes and yet at the same time I don't know whether to blame it on mental health or just her not taking more responsibility. Does anybody have a similar situation? I find it so frustrating to see her not being more organised and responsible and then I have to spend hours cheering her up when she gets down about how all her friends have much more grown up, successful lives. etc etc. Can anybody relate to this?

Yes I'm in a similar situation. DD is 22 and is currently on her third different course. MH issues means she hasn't worked for 3 years or so I've obviously been supporting her in every aspect as I love her dearly. It's just me and her. I was 39 when I had her, she's my third DD.

Funnily enough today was the first time I've felt really frustrated with her. I do most things around the house whilst working full time. I'm awake at this ungodly hour because I'm quite anxious about my day ahead. I've taken a day annual leave in order to take a training day so I can pick up extra weekend shifts, which I'll be doing this Friday and Sunday 12 hour 8pm to 8 am. Whilst driving home I started thinking I should really be thinking about winding down to retirement rather than taking on extra shifts. I also thought how much easier my life would be if DD could just work part time and earn even a little bit to help with the burden.

Having said all that I now feel mean and unkind. We did have a talk tonight about her doing more housework. Her new course is only on a Friday morning so I'm not expecting her to overstretch.

We do what we can I suppose. I just know I'm very tired and worry what the future holds.

At a certain point, MH issues are exacerbated by low expectations. I see this a lot in some peers who have had "failure to launch" and lived at home for a long time with MH problems. They were not taught to have resilience, everything was "well, if you have problems, come home, be taken care of and loved."

Letting your child contribute nothing reduces conflict in the short term. It also lets your child know you don't think they're capable, and believe strongly that without your constant intervention they would, what, literally die? What kind of message are you really sending? Are you showing your children that you love them but you also think they are competent people capable of getting along with or without you? Or are your anxieties and fears reflecting to them as a lack of confidence in their adultness and abilities?

You may say, well, I do doubt their ability to do some adult things.

Everyone lacks those abilities until they have to do them. Whatever age that comes. By putting that day off longer and just assuming they'll somehow work it out without periods of failure and privation is enabling your children's worst traits and habits. You are enabling that. Your kids are responding in a natural way to the kind of beliefs you are projecting about them.

I don't have any experience of this situation but I do have teen daughters one of whom has had a mild mh problem.

Blewbury65 and favouritecardigan you both sound like wonderfully supportive mothers but I imagine it is a fine line between giving support and enabling poor behaviour.

I think you probably need to be very clear in your own minds as to whether you are diving in to help in a crisis as a one off or are you enabling ongoing poor behaviour and self-created problems? If the latter, then obviously that needs to change.

If you are supporting them financially, then you do have some say over the ground rules and I think I would be drawing up some sort of mutual living agreement which they would have to agree to, in order to live at home. You could sit them down and have a discussion and give them a warning and say that you haven't been happy with the way your mutual living arrangements are working out, and from Easter onwards, if nothing has changed, then you are going to start imposing the following agreements over:

• mental health (having some sort of plan with regard to an assessment, therapy, perhaps even outside support, behaviour to support good mh like exercise)

• money (having to earn it and contribute towards rent and living costs, even if you save it up to give it back to them when they eventually move out)

• chores (you are living in the house as adults and the chores need to be split equally as this would be required in any other shared living arrangement)

• behaviour (they need to be respectful of you, your home and your working hours) If they are doing something that upsets you ask yourself "would I tolerate this behaviour from any other adult guest?".

All of this I know sounds quite prescriptive and difficult to impose when you have started out helping in a crisis but long term, I don't think you are doing them any favours by enabling them to have duvet days and be late for lectures. Certainly stop giving lifts and start upping the expectations of what they should do be doing in terms of contributing financially and doing household tasks. Presumably you have already contributed quite a bit of money to getting them established at their first university courses? So why should they not be contributing now? If there is no financial consequence for not succeeding, then surely they have little incentive to do well this time?

Also, if you help them too much, it gives the underlying message that you are not confident in their abilities to sort themselves out, which is the opposite message we should be broadcasting!

In the short term I imagine they will probably resent it rather when you start to impose certain boundaries but in the long term I think they will thank you for encouraging them to be resilient.

Good luck

At a certain point, MH issues are exacerbated by low expectations. I see this a lot in some peers who have had "failure to launch" and lived at home for a long time with MH problems. They were not taught to have resilience, everything was "well, if you have problems, come home, be taken care of and loved."

I sort of get where you're coming from with this - but cannot completely agree. Sometimes things happen out of the parents' control - and you have to deal with the situation as best you can. It could be that the parents' expectations are too high, and perhaps the child/person is simply not capable or suited to university or getting a degree and the stress of trying to fit in the mould has sent them over into long term depression.

Obviously it is important for someone to be resilient, confident and independent. With some it takes longer than with others. It may be that there is no magic right or wrong way of doing things.

@Blewbury65 - it's good your daughter is socialising - I'm thinking that's a good sign. As others have intimated, I wouldn't be providing any cash as she needs to earn her own spending money - any likelihood of her getting a part time job?

@favouritecardigan - that sounds really tough for you. I work 30 hours a week as a nurse and at 58 I'm knackered. I cannot imagine doing night shifts - urghhh. Your 22 year old absolutely needs a part time job - especially if her course is only on a Friday morning - have her contribute at least 20% of her monthly wages. You should not be slogging your guts at 61 doing extra night shifts.

@Blewbury65

Reading this is sounds like your daughter could have some executive function issues e.g. planning/ time management as well as the mental health issues. Has she always struggled with these things?

Is she getting help for mental health issues?
You are being very supportive, but her mental health and happiness is not your responsibility. I have had a parent with mental health issues that I had to learn that lesson.

It must be hard for you. The only experience I have is a family member who is 33 and sleeps till 2 pm every day and works occasionally in our local theatre. As his dad and stepmother have pussyfooted around him for years they have enabled him and as a consequence he has never had a proper job and hides behind his social anxiety. Harsh but true. They have been waiting to move into their first home alone after getting married 5 years ago and the rest of their kids have flown the nest. Realistically he will never leave now - don’t let this happen to you!!

Thank you all so much for your responses so far. I completely agree with most points and the last thing I want to be doing is enabling this "failure to launch". There is nothing more I would love than my dd leading a happy independent life. My other two children are independent.

Just for info, my daughter does work one day a week for the company whom she worked with before she decided to study a degree again. During that day she is conscientious and efficient and they value her highly. I think because she has ADHD the lack of structure on the other days doesn't suit her and as one poster said she seems to have executive function issues ie time management. Therefore, she hasn't made life easy for herself going back to being a student aged 25.

I actually asked her to meet me at a local wine bar last night for an hour so we could have a talk as I thought it better not to have it at home where we play out our normal mother-daughter roles. I said that it was great that she has decided to embark on this degree but she really needs to embrace it and be very organised about her time management ie leave a good hour before if she has a tutorial etc rather than 25 minutes before and not being let in to the class. Also, because she didn't have any lectures yesterday she stayed in bed until late whereas all her friends now are working.

When we talked she said she hadn't taken her meds since Friday am. This is the sort of thing I deal with. If I don't keep an eye on things does she carry them out....The last thing I want to do is to have to check that my 25 yr old dd is taking her meds. It's hard to know how much to blame her erratic behaviour on mental health illness or just bad habit.
She is very much supported for her MH issues - has counselling once every two weeks, has a supportive psychiatrist etc etc. Sometimes I feel I have to just let her flounder if she doesn't take her meds etc or misses lectures as we have thrown all our energy at keeping her going and yet the maternal instinct just can't bear to see her flounder when she has given up so much to do this degree.

I am trying to find the right balance between supporting her to get her degree etc and yet not to enable her erratic behaviour. I feel 25 is the age when I can see an ever increasing gap between her friends who are leading independent happy lives and her. I feel because she suffered mental health issues at university first time round that shouldn't prevent her from trying to do a vocational degree which will bring her medium and long term rewards, London is very expensive to live in if you decide to do a degree in your 20s and living at home does make sense from a financial point of view to save money. Yet, I realise it's really not good for her to be at home with me hovering around.

I'm going to say something that will be very unpopular. I have had mental health problem for most of my adult life - I'm now in my 60s - and it's very easy to let MH issues slip into laziness. We often feel a bit sorry for ourselves and have been treated with kid gloves over our issues, and have learned to justify our failings as being because of our poor mental health. For example I've got a lot going on in my life at the moment and my house is a real state. I've justified that by saying I need to treat myself gently but actually I'm lying in bed at 10am and I should be up cleaning. And I feel so much better for it when I do.

I'm not minimising the problems your daughter has faced but she needs to learn how to live independently. She's not a teenager and at 25 she should have some motivation to achieve in her studies. But if you and her tutors are constantly picking up the slack, where is the push for her to sort her problems out herself? Routines are vital and I found to establish them, it was best to have fixed, non-negotiable things happen in a day, ie, walk the dog, cook evening meal. It's about getting her up and doing things so she has structure in her day. This will be hard and scary for you but is how she's living now how you want her to be living permanently?

I sympathise. 31 year old dd still at home...and home is a small flat!

I was just about to type, that your DD sounds like she has ADHD, and she does. Is she taking meds for it? I've got adhd and I was your daughter. I am still like your daughter, I moved out and due to other issues I now live with my DM.

She will be mentally beating herself up so much for not being able to function properly in a neurotypical world. I'm part of a FB group for women with ADHD in the UK, she can ask for help there when she's ready.

Also telling people with ADHD to just leave earlier, and be organised is like telling a blind person to just see, because it's easy right? Having ADHD is like being handed a video game set to hard, other people can play it easily, but you keep dying, and all you get told is, come on its easy why do you keep dying?

She has executive dysfunction, it means her brain isn't wired like NT's, you need to stop comparing her to her friends, and encourage her to stop comparing herself to her friends.

In this case I'm the 23 Yr old with serious MH problems including ASD, and living at home. I've never been able to find a job and I find it so hard to get out of bed before 5pm most days. I'm on suicide watch several times a year. I'd do absolutely anything to be able to live a normal life, have the ability to work but my family know that's unlikely to happen. It makes me feel like a burden on everyone

Op, without wishing to be rude as this is a tough situation for you, your DD having ADHD is a bit of a drip feed; one would think that that was important enough to mention in your opening post?

My response would have been different if I had known about that.

It makes me wonder if you know much about ADHD? Or you don't consider it to have as profound effect on someone as it does? Is your DD on meds specific to that condition for example? It's great that she is being supported so well with her mh but is she getting support with practical things like executive functioning? As you say, it sounds like she would be much better off with more of a consistent routine.

I think in your shoes I would be asking for permission, with your dd's blessing, to meet with her and her psychiatrist together so that you could come to an agreement about what level of support is appropriate from you? And what you should or should not do when your DD stops taking her meds. I think you need professional advice and support this

I think it's a balance between supporting them and not enabling. My eldest has ADHD and has been depressed in the recent past. She didn't go to uni but has had a few jobs. She is now unemployed. She's not always at home with us as she spends a lot of time at her boyfriend's but basically is hanging around his place doing nothing most of the time. We keep reminding her to apply for jobs etc and she makes an effort for a while but doesn't put herself out or follow through often. Recently she ran out of money (benefits). We could easily sub her but we have decided not to. We lent her some money as she owed a friend, but we will expect it to be paid back. The only way to motivate her is for her to see she can't have the things she wants if she doesn't get a job. But we are here to help her in other ways whenever she wants us to (within reason).

PS we do understand the issues her ADHD causes her but she can be very prickly and resistant to support. When motivated by something, she is more than capable to making it happen - however this is usually in relation to something fun / recreational. For which she needs money....

I have to agree with a PP that sometimes the help can send the message that you're not competent so let me do it for you.

Imagine how demoralised you would feel over time if another person was doing everything for you and reminding you to do things.
It'd be like you doing the laundry and you managed part of it but someone else came along and took the job away from you and redid it all.

Starting at home would be the easiest place for her to build some resilience and have some wins of her own.
I would start with working out house rules like you were roommates.
She's responsible for certain things and you're responsible for others.

It does sound like she doesn't have enough to do during the week.

I think you do need to let her flounder. Instead of jumping in, say, I trust you to figure it out.

@temporaryrespite. I did say she had mental health issues but perhaps I should have said ADHD sooner. Yes, she is now on meds as of the past six months - Ritalin - and that helps her as long as she remembers to keep up to date with her prescription etc etc.

@Onelifeonly. yes, my daughter always wants to be an adult when it comes to socialising etc

I am so grateful for your many responses - taking your many points and tips on board. I realise that being a student is hard for young adults with ADHD as they might thrive more on structure and routine ie in a day job. I think parents with children who don't have these issues might not realise how hard it is at times to find the right balance between being supportive and enabling.. sometimes it's like working on a tightrope. The only reason why I compare my dd's lives to her peers is because she often does - she feels frustrated that her MH issues prevented her from getting a degree first time round and that she is now behind everybody else etc etc. I always tell her to focus on her own path and not compare herself.

I wish you well with it all op. It does sound very hard. Your advice about your dd not comparing herself to others is spot on. If at all possible can you try and organise some time out of the house for you to get away a little and replenish your energy and take a break? It can be very draining if you are focused on supporting someone else all the time.

I know plenty of people in my area who moved back home or lived at home in their mid - late twenties, even people with degrees, good jobs no MH issues, it’s quite common these days and not unusual. I moved back home for a while between 24-27, and at the time I really felt ashamed about it and maybe I shouldn’t have done. I even know married couples who moved back home together because the cost of housing is sky high. I know it’s the issue with her organisational skills, more so than the living at home is what the post is about, but living at home at 25 is really not unusual these days, in fact most people I knew when I was 25 were at home, some may have moved out before, some hadn’t. Maybe it’s the area, but I know one person who was 38 and moved out at that age when she got married, had always lived at home, and she’s always worked and had a good job etc. In terms of living at home please tell your daughter she’s not a failure because of that, and she’s doing a degree, okay later in life than she originally planned as MH issues got in her way, but I know plenty of people who did their degree later in life, and a lot of people never go to uni. I didn’t use my degree for several years after completing it, but I worked full time in a job that you don’t need a degree for, and now taking a post grad alongside full time work that is related to my degree and I don’t consider myself a failure.

@WombOfOnesOwn

At a certain point, MH issues are exacerbated by low expectations. I see this a lot in some peers who have had "failure to launch" and lived at home for a long time with MH problems. They were not taught to have resilience, everything was "well, if you have problems, come home, be taken care of and loved."

Letting your child contribute nothing reduces conflict in the short term. It also lets your child know you don't think they're capable, and believe strongly that without your constant intervention they would, what, literally die? What kind of message are you really sending? Are you showing your children that you love them but you also think they are competent people capable of getting along with or without you? Or are your anxieties and fears reflecting to them as a lack of confidence in their adultness and abilities?

You may say, well, I do doubt their ability to do some adult things.

Everyone lacks those abilities until they have to do them. Whatever age that comes. By putting that day off longer and just assuming they'll somehow work it out without periods of failure and privation is enabling your children's worst traits and habits. You are enabling that. Your kids are responding in a natural way to the kind of beliefs you are projecting about them.

This is one of the most insightful and accurate posts I've seen on MN. Bravo. This is excellent.

Here's my two cents, from being in your daughter's age group and knowing a couple of people in similar situations to her. Those people are usually not ready for university or not just suited to university. They struggle and feel like a failure, and mental health issues follow. I probably would have ended up the same if I'd gone to uni, and I'm so glad I didn't. I would recommend your daughter taking a break from education, getting a regular job and spend a few years living bulding her confidence in the real world. Then, when she's ready, she can make a commitment to get a degree, if she still feels she needs one at that point.

You talk like you're expecting her to "catch up" with her peers OP. ADHD is a condition that isn't going to go away, it can also prove to be a major disability for some. Your DD might not be capable of getting a degree or of having a full on career job like her peers. She might have to learn to live within the parameters of what she is capable of.

Same for the poster who's DD is on benefits, not everyone is capable of working (in the long term and without it harming their health further).

None of this means that she has to live at home forever OP.

Do parents whose DC live at home as adults "because they won't cope living alone" stop to think what happens when they, the parents, get old and die? It's not a solution for the DC to stay home forever. Some people with severe learning disabilities, for example, might need to live at home forever and then move to residential care when their parents are no longer able to care for them. But for those less affected by their problems, some way of managing living an adults life must be found IMHO.

I agree, ADHD is classed as a disability.
Can she get help like a carer to help her take her meds if you aren't willing to prompt her?

Snap, though my dd is living away in halls having changed university and course.
She's doing ok despite her mh issues and autism

There's been some very interesting comments on here and I'd like to thank everyone for your opinions and views from all different perspectives. You've given me confidence to realise I'm not being mean or unloving by not 'mollycoddling' (I too was driving her to her college course-45 mins each way - as it's very complicated on public transport and I didn't want her to be late).

We've had a very good chat and arranged a housework rota. I'll still take her to college but she's going to make her own way back. Tbf she'd already made enquiries about trains etc.

I really appreciate that her MH issues, although not as severe as OP's DD, can be limiting- she is actively participating in counselling and has gained a lot from it. She's out of the suicidal mindset (I know, nothing's ever 100% but hoping and praying every day). It's now a confidence issue - the prospect of entering the world of work must be very daunting. We're going to take it step by step but with a different and more positive perspective Thanks MNers. Sorry that was a long one x