Not sure really where the right topic for this is. Posting in desperation and hoping there might be some sage advice.
DD is 20, nearly 21. Lovely as a young child, did well at school, got great GCSEs. All was great until she went to sixth form college, got in with the wrong crowd, ended up doing drugs, self-harming, skipping college, got glandular fever on top and spectacularly failed her A-levels. Throughout this we paid for therapy, tried to get her motivated to do something in life and generally had a miserable few years.
At 18 we bought her a one-way ticket to Australia to try and get her in a new headspace, away from the twatty people she was hanging out with and to give her new opportunities. She was out there for nearly two years. Most of which was spent partying - no drugs, just massive amounts of alcohol. I constantly bailed her out each time she had to move apartment or needed money for travel etc - probably to the overall tune of around £15,000.
Covid finally hit Sydney and brought about a lockdown which meant she came home in the summer. Still went out partying a lot once home, still drinking massive amounts when she did go out.
I should add that she's worked for years, in hospitality, earning minimum wage but has always had a job since she was 14.
She went to London in the autumn to start a marketing degree. No idea why as she doesn't like studying. Nevertheless I paid the deposit and first term's rent (student loan barely covered a month's rent). She spent her student loan of £2k in 2 weeks (Ubers and booze) and dropped out and left the course. Found a house share, found a job, is paying back the student loan company at £40 a month so will be paying off her debt for years to come.
Has decided she doesn't want to be in London and wants to come back home, do a different course here in the autumn and live at home for a few months before getting a house share with friends. She's supposed to move back next weekend.
Last week she phoned me in hysterics, saying how depressed she was, how lonely, how she'd started self-harming again. I suggested she come back home, stay safe, find a doctor etc. Instead she's stayed in London, spent the whole weekend out drinking with a friend and has now gone AWOL. She refuses to listen to me about her alcohol consumption - she must be drinking 50 units a week as she's out at least 3 or 4 nights a week. She won't do anything I suggest to alleviate depression (eating well, exercise, stopping smoking, stopping drinking). She has no plans in life, no savings, very little responsibility for her actions and is very good at charming her way through life and getting other people to run around after her.
I feel a total failure as a parent and massively guilty that I've not been a good parent to her. I had her at 19, single parent - her father had no role in her life and never paid a penny in child support. I had a disastrous short marriage when she was 8 and split up with him shortly after. I then got very badly depressed when she was 14 and was very ill for months which caused DD massive worry. I was definitely too liberal and open as a parent and let her smoke with friends in the garden and didn't go ballistic when she started doing drugs, on the basis that I'd done similar as a teenager but always got straight As and dabbling in drugs had no effect on me.
I got together with DP six years ago. She and DP get on very well - she adores him and vice versa. She's been involved in our wedding planning and was very happy about the baby until the last few weeks when she's had a meltdown about what this means for her in the family and the fact her biological father is such a useless wanker.
DD and I are extremely close - we speak daily. But her attitude and selfishness are driving me up the wall. I'm 39 weeks' pregnant, baby being delivered in 2 days (section) and I'm here not knowing where DD is, if her phone has been lost (again), how hungover and depressed she'll be as and when she finally appears, nor what the hell she's doing with her life. I wish more than anything that she'd join the Navy and have them get her on the straight and narrow. I want her to stop drinking, sort her life out and listen to me instead of being in this Groundhog Day spiral.
Judging by her last online status she's most likely lost or broken her phone. Which will be maybe the 6th broken/lost phone in 4 years. I'm sitting here in tears, worrying about her. If I'd gone into labour overnight she'd be none the wiser.
She needs to find a job when she comes back home. She'd be excellent at sales or estate agency - but she has no driving licence as refused to learn at 17, despite us buying her a car, and thus a lot of jobs she's ineligible for. She could have got straight As at A-level and had various career options but instead is limited by her poor grades.
I should be here getting ready to meet my newborn and instead am just worrying about DD, if she's alive, if she's been mugged, if her phone is lost, what mood she'll be in and what she's going to do in life.
I just can't see the wood for the trees. I feel so bad that she didn't have a traditional, conventional upbringing owing to my age and issues. I worry she's inherited my depression and anxiety. But I don't know what to do. I want to see her settled, successful and happy. But how on earth does that happen?