Can't see way out

[plotmissinginaction]

Marriage has been bad for a long time. He can't control his temper, on eggshells all of the time. Have 2 kids, one with additional needs. Have not left because of money/health. I had no work and have a chronic health condition. Recently managed to get some work - it is in another city - I work away for three days. I was thinking that maybe I could move out but the cost of living issue has thrown a spanner in the works. Plus it's somewhere else. I can't afford to leave for me never mind with the kids and I can't really move my child with ASN as I don't think he would cope. I keep trying to work things out but I feel trapped. We own the house but it is unfinished and has been for years. I am exhausted and confused and finding it hard to think straight. I am sure there is a way forward, I just can't see it.

Evening, OP. Sorry to hear things are so hard. We just wanted to bump your thread for you in hopes there are more people around this evening who might be able to offer advice.

Is there any way your husband would agree to move out? That would probably be best for your child.
Wouldn’t normally suggest separating but staying in the same house , might work I suppose in a large property. Has your husband suggested any so,unions?
I’m really sorry you’re in such a tough situation.

I need him home to do childcare when I am away. I have just been keeping my head down for years and thinking I will go when I have enough money which now feels like never. When he's calm it's ok, it just never stays that way and when he kicks off it's so unpleasant.

Does he accept he has a problem with his temper?

No. He thinks I am the problem because I don't earn enough or don't do enough or my priorities are wrong or whatever it is I am doing that is annoying him in that moment in time. He threatens to leave or to cut me and the kids off financially or I get some kind of tirade about how I don't support him or how useless I am. Then it passes and the house is calm for a while. I think I might be depressed, I can't tell if it's me or the situation or my health or all three. I am certainly constantly anxious and feel like I am forever in survival mode. Also, very lonely which doesn't help.

When you say he can't control his temper is it a domestic violence situation?

You need to leave, the help is out there. He is mentally and emotionally abusive, contact your local women's aid, contact your local council, get the ball rolling. You may be depressed, but that doesn't take away from your husband's temper or issues.

Do you have a bank account? Who receives the CB? Does your husband see your income? Where is your wage deposited?

Get your ducks in a row, for you and your kids.

Start looking for a job closer to home.

Start putting £50 to £100 a month away if you can, forget about it and don't touch it. If you can put more away do so.

Cut down on things you don't personally need. Sell things you don't use, wear or need. Build up that 'run away from twatopottamus' pot.

You have 50% interest in that house. If you split you can either have him buy you out, he could move out and then agree to sell when the kids turn 18 or he can agree to sell now. Speak to a property solicitor!

Ensure you have a support network of friends and family close by.

Anything seriously essential for yourself and your kids (BC, bank accounts, Passports, health records, etc.), A change of clothes for DC and you. Pack in a bag and have it as a 'get out of there bag'.

There is help out there for women of dv and single mums. You will also get UC on top of your wage. You may also find that your child with additional needs may qualify you for further financial help. You may as well with a chronic health condition.

Don't stay, take the leap. It may be difficult at first but it will get better. It's better to live than exist.

Good luck OP!

There is no physical violence. It's more like a kind of bullying. Then he is very nice. kind, helpful for a while, until the next incident.

Thank you, that's really clear. It sounds daft but I feel I can't think very clearly at the moment. Confidence is also low. I have another bank account and have started to put bits in there when I can. CB goes into the joint account. I need to understand the money more.

Reading that has made me feel a bit more settled.

@plotmissinginaction

There is no physical violence. It's more like a kind of bullying. Then he is very nice. kind, helpful for a while, until the next incident.

Thank you, that's really clear. It sounds daft but I feel I can't think very clearly at the moment. Confidence is also low. I have another bank account and have started to put bits in there when I can. CB goes into the joint account. I need to understand the money more.

Reading that has made me feel a bit more settled.

Dv does not have to be physical. Also even if you don't have a penny there are still ways of leaving. Definitely talk to womans aid . Alot of people think if your fleeing DV you have to go into a refuge . But you don't. You can ask (any ) council to help you. And they will put you into emgency accommodation. And help you find somewhere long term.

I feel a bit disorientated now. Reading through other threads on here and responses to this. I feel guilty thinking of it in the framework of DV. Like I am being overly dramatic. And when he is nice he can be very nice. Although that's the pattern I suppose. I wish I had left years ago, before I was sick and when I had my own money. I feel very dependent now.

@plotmissinginaction

I feel a bit disorientated now. Reading through other threads on here and responses to this. I feel guilty thinking of it in the framework of DV. Like I am being overly dramatic. And when he is nice he can be very nice. Although that's the pattern I suppose. I wish I had left years ago, before I was sick and when I had my own money. I feel very dependent now.

You don't have to be dependent on him. There is support and help out there.

Thank you. I do think if I could be dependent and have my own space that felt safe I would feel radically different than I do now. I almost can't imagine it.

You know that you would be happier, calmer, safer, more settled if you split up. Your health would likely improve. You would regain the bits of you that you've lost in your efforts to avoid angering him.

He is abusive. Abusers are often 'nice' - because everything's going their way, or to mess with your head (you never know which version of them you'll see), or just because if they were vile all the time you'd find it easier to leave.

Being decent some of the time isn't the same as being decent.

You deserve better. Please keep talking on here, and if you can to people IRL. His threats about 'cutting you off' are of course rubbish - you are married and your assets and money belong to the marriage, not to him. You may feel better if you sought legal advice (don't tell him what you're planning) to see how things would pan out if you split.

Whatever the financial situation, though, you know you will be better off without him.

I do think my health would improve. It's triggered by stress.

How do people know when to press the button? I want to save money up. I don't feel ready but - will I ever?

I feel sad for him. Is that normal? I don't not care about him although I haven't been in love with him for a long time now. He had a very traumatic childhood. I don't think he knows how to be another way.

@plotmissinginaction

I do think my health would improve. It's triggered by stress.

How do people know when to press the button? I want to save money up. I don't feel ready but - will I ever?

I feel sad for him. Is that normal? I don't not care about him although I haven't been in love with him for a long time now. He had a very traumatic childhood. I don't think he knows how to be another way.

He is manipulating and abusing you. What would you tell your daughter, friend, sister or mother in this situation? You feeling sad for him is a normal response, however this is also your downfall. Start seeing it for what it is - his issues that he refuses to own as everything is your fault. He's chosen to be the victim, there is nothing you can do for him. He is who he is, nothing you do will be good enough or appease him long term.

Speaking to women's aid and local housing, they may get you housed temporarily, they did in my old local authority a friend left her mentally abusive husband and was housed in a 2 bed while they tried to find a house for her, this allowed her to save up. Once she was properly housed, she was allowed to chip away at any costs and the local authority worked with her. I would say your mental health will have taken a bit of a battering too. If you feel low please speak to your doctor.

As I said previously, get your ducks in a row. Money Saving expert can be incredibly helpful. Get the bag with essential documentation and spare changes of clothes you and the kids, get saving as much as you can per month.

Charity shops do amazing deals on furniture. Your local church groups may also be able to help with furniture, Facebook market place is also helpful.

You and your kids can start over, it just depends on whether you are able to stay put and save for a while or whether you're desperate to get out. There are systems in place to help you, start believing you deserve better - you do!

Hi OP, I could have written your exact post a few years ago. I too felt the disorientation, sadness for my ex, saw no way forward. Finally, after years of misery, I took the kids and moved secretly, while he was at work, into a small, cheap flat, bc I knew I could never separate from him under the same roof. His emotional abuse was so confusing to live with, it sucked the life out of me. I just wanted someone to give me a road map bc I couldn’t do it for myself in that crushed state of mind. All the advice on here is good. I wouldn’t recommend trying to share the house- it just prolongs the misery and he won’t let you go. They hang on for dear life once you start to leave. That’s why I did a secret move and told him once I was there. It was a terrible time but the relief was immense. I am back to the real me now. You can be too. There are several solutions in the replies, as well as the route I took. Don’t involve him in your decision, do it quietly and in one go, or he will suck you back in with guilt, threats to financially ruin the family, heaping all blame on you, fake offers to have therapy etc. Sorry to say but this is the script. Good luck and hang on to the fact that you have the right to leave, the right to choose life instead of a shadow existence.

Thank you, that comment about the what if it were my daughter has given me a bit of a fright. I've stayed in this for years. And you are right, whatever I do is never enough. For years his line was get a job. I got one but it's become 'hobby money' not a real thing almost instantly.

Thank you for sharing your journey out Spangled. Sorting it out and just going does seem to be the most manageable. I can't imagine telling him.