Hubby didn't want 2.5 yo in our bed when upset

[itscomplicatedlife]

LN our DD woke up very upset asking to come fo our bed. She's never done this before and of course I had no issue and she ran happily to our room abs attempts to get in, then her Dad jumps up shouting No! She is not coming in here take her to her own bed! She undertands what he's saying and starts to get very upset as he had shouted very loud and it really annoyed me as he'd further set her off and tbh I thought it was really wrong and felt really bad for her that i her moment of just needing some comfort from us he had said No! When I said no she's really upset also be careful what you say as you're upsetting her he told me to shut up and get her back to her own bed again and just turned over. I thought this isn't rihht it's a total one off and it's me seeing to her, how would
She have felt if I'd agreed and taken her off so angrily she'd surely feel rejected that she needs support for whatever reason and we both wouldn't consider it before she's whisked off to her own bed to cry on her own without us. This said a lot to me about how he really felt about her surely I'm not wrong to be concerned as it just seemed so uncaring and cold...

Bed sharing is not for everyone. I happily cosleep but with the children in their own beds (get big enough beds) as I like to keep my own bed separate now they are not babies. Its a very individual issues with no right or wrong answer about where you comfort your child. But the shouting at me and our upset child would be completely unacceptable to me.

He doesn't sound very nice, OP. Your poor little dd. What did you do in the end?

Hmm. Neither of us like bed sharing so I would be unimpressed if DH let one of ours in the bed during the night, because they would definitely decide this was a great idea and want to do it all the time. No such thing as a one off in this house!

However the way he went about it is seriously all wrong, flying off the handle is inappropriate (and, selfishly in the middle of the night, doesn't make settling an unhappy child any easier!), and turning his back is awful.

Does this happen often? And does he ever help in the night or is everything child related your job?

When I said no she's really upset also be careful what you say as you're upsetting her he told me to shut up and get her back to her own bed again and just turned over.

He was being an arsehole and I'm willing to bet it's not the first time otherwise you'd sound more surprised.

It was also the way in which he spoke to us, it was just awful as he swore too. My partner and I haven't been getting on at all and are on the brink of divorce as we clash but it's situations like yesterday that keep placing huge amounts of doubt! When on mat leave she woke an horrendous amount of times and I did all the nights it made me quite ill as I couldn't actually sleep for months when she started to sleep even when she did as I was so used to being woken so frequently and by the end of mat leave before I started bk FT work we had to share the nts every other nt (my suggestion) so I had a guaranteed nt of sleep to rest as she began to wake again a lot when I started back to work. A few women I met felt he abs should have helped more prior to this as their partners were more hands on and they didn't end up becoming exhausted like I had as they mucked in more but as he was working FT like theirs but I didn't want to pressure him to help as someone said it wasnt fair also as he had to work, but when there were times I had to ask it was tbh a huge issue! She was intensely difficult to settle at times but I felt tbh like she was a huge nuisance to him even though it was me doing the lions share of the get upset for best part of the first year, I also lost my patience months abs months down the line as I became so run down which I felt terrible about but undertandable I think. This all caused a huge issue for me which my BFriend undertands as it spilled in to other issues like he never noticed I never got a lie in ever abs I realised 6 months in he was managning to get up early most mornings in the working wk as well as wknds to work out or go for a jog!! He never offered to get up with her so I could even have an extra 30-60 mins I was dead on my feet and I kept saying I don't know how much longer I can do this your clearly not affected that much as you hve enegry to wake early abs work out. Then I realised I wasn't showering often in the wk mostly only once a wk as by time 7.30/8 came and I finally got her to sleep as I had to do all of this too as he needed time when he came bk from work to sort himself out then he'd often start the dinner but he never just came in and took her, sorting himself out first was priority! That felt wrong too! I had envisaged hun coming in looking forward to seeing her but he never just grabbed her and held her or settled her he left it all to me. I was wiped out and got to bed straight after she went to sleep and repeat until we got to the wknd when id get my shower but it was around 11am as he'd go out to jog etc first. I felt totally unsupported abs it peeved me when he'd say you have all evenings to shower but it wasn't that straight forward! I was dead on my feet I kept telling him I ended up on amytriptaline to help me to sleep at nihht by about 10 mths in but I resented him for this abs have started to notice things since that have led to us now arguing a lot and I'm sitting here hoping someone is reading this and is going to point something really obv out that I'm not seeing that makes me realise I should not stay or did I expect too much of him and I'm wrong on this...

So she was so upset she ran "happily" into your room, which is what your husband presumably first saw. A habit starts with the first time and I wouldn't be keen on starting this one personally.

This is the first time this has happened as she's never asked before but I abs think if she'd done this before he'd be the same. I get he doesn't like bed sharing I don't as I need my rest as still recovering from her many get upset prior to this but it was the sheer lack of interest for me, the fact he just turned his back and wasn't interested to even ask her what was wrong or offer her a cuddle, just nothing but No and turns over and leaves her to me I hated him so much and I thought that's awful so I said she's so upset for whatever reason im not going to be the one to shuffle her off and her think it's me with my actions of shuffling her off that doesn't want her here when I do and I put her in, he didn't resist further not sure why but yeah he's not the most understanding, he's very much a get on with it person he isn't very undertanding as in if he's busy and dd is upset she can be stood there a while asking until he hears and offers support. I just feel like when it suits him he's there but on the whole he looks not bothered. She's a very clingy child too abs maybe this is why she's still like this as prob still doesn't feel fully secure on the whole. After 30 mins she settled and whispered to me I want go back to my bed and some milk please so I said stay here but she wanted to return so I tucked her back to her bed and got her milk and she slept soundly without waking. Me and DP aren't getting on and I think now this is maybe what started it but it isn't her fault!! I never take our personal issues out on her and hed be the same on a good nihht he doesn't want her in our bed at all.

Kids never come into our bed we went to them .

@SunnyKlara She was very upset when she woke as she was shouting for me I asked her to get back to bed and what was wrong she said mummy's bed; she's never done this before I thought it seemed odd I said you need to go back to your bed she got further upset and I didn't want to make her feel like I wasn't here supporting her so I said ok and she ran off to our room (my view was she seemed much happier about this as she had started to cry less) but I get he doesn't want it to become a regular thing I really do I don't either but I couldn't have been the way her was to her. My mother was like this to me as a child she never was there even when I was ill I was told to go back to bed and it was my lovely step dad that did all the comforting; tbh i never felt like an issue at all to him and I felt 1000% like he had me and i felt love! I didn't want her to feel how my mum made me feel and his lack of time for her was sad to see as in the end she asked to return to her own bed as she has always slept in her own bed, she just needed support and I am so glad I didn't say no

I don't do bed sharing as pp said, there's never a one off in my house! When you said she settled did you take her in your bed anyway? I don't agree with his attitude and swearing at all but I wouldn't be happy if I saw my 2 year old happily running to my bed in the night. I had a non sleeper, I do sympathise with that completely0

Regardless of the bed sharing, if you're looking for someone to tell you that you should leave then, you should leave.

Seriously, he does NOTHING for you or your dd. LTB

I never had the kids in bed with us. Tbf neither of them ever woke up. Once when they were upset I picked them up, cuddling them, walked them straight back to their room, put them in bed, stoked them, reassured them, and then got back into bed myself.

@Crimsonbow I think because he's the main earner he earns a lot more than me and does the like more traditionally related jobs like car washing and grass cutting and tbh I can't think atm of anything else atm as we share cleaning 50/50 it's more my job to sort the child, maybe it is I don't know but I know plenty of men/partners that aren't how he is. Many who have even said themselves that it's a temporary thing and want to comfort their own child. He's never been in to this even park visits were painful he looked awkward and disinterested felt awful for my DD broke my heart the lack of interest once called him out said what's wrong with you, you look so miserable?! He said there are more mums here I said abs crap I saw half as many blokes in that park abs most were VERY engaged also I was astounded tbh and just sat there wanting to leave and find a man like my step dad that would love her as much as me

@Oblomov22 I also do this and have done for months she never refused her own bed but last nt was a one off and when you know it is I didn't want her to feel my support wasn't there x

This is about more than sleep and more than a one-off parenting disagreement. I’d ask MN to move this to relationships otherwise you’ll just get a bedsharing debate.

Sorry OP bed sharing is a no one our house too. It’s never just a one off we always go to the kids when they need us. I do sympathise because all 3 of mine are rubbish sleepers. I wouldn’t have shouted at you / toddler but they would have been taken back to their own bed and sorted from there.

I think you’re already aware this is the least of your issues with your DH tho

Shouting and swearing is the issue here, especially in front of your little girl.

I agree with PP - ask to get it moved to relationships board. You won't get a fair answer here as it's been derailed by the bedsharing issue.

I'm not sure why people on here are so horrified by sharing a bed with their kids, weird considering the share a bed with their partner .

His attitude you and your dd was disgusting OP. Obviously there's a lot going on and he just sounds like a selfish uncaring twat tbh. You will be happier without him.

Thanks all for the replies. Yes I think I've realised this isn't just the bed sharing issue and think I need to get it moved by MN, anyone know how to do that in the app?? I also have no idea how to find messages in this app, going to try and find them again now x

I've found where to ask to move this but still can't locate my inbox, sure there must be one here somewhere..:

OP you need to report your first post and ask MN to move the thread to relationships.

I've tried for you but you will need to ask yourself.

@RedWingBoots have asked just so hopefully it'll be moved soon

The shouting and his behavior were wrong, however I agree wholeheartedly with him that she shouldn't be coming into your bed, you'll be making a rod for your own back starting that now at your daughters age. When my daughter is unsettled, ill go into her room and sleep on the floor if I have to. She does not come into my bed.
He was wrong to shout though.

Your poor daughter and your husband sounds like a total prick.

It’s irrelevant all these replies “never had a child in our bed” it’s not about that, it’s his total lack of parenting, empathy, support and kindness that’s so wrong. Whether you chose to have a child in the bed isn’t what this is about.

Honestly this just sounds like the tip of the iceberg. You used the word “nuisance” and nobody should be made feel like that and certainly not your daughter by her parent.

I feel angered for you! If you’re already thinking divorce I think you are already well aware there is so much wrong here.. good luck op I know it’s hard to see when you are run down exhausted with parenting x

It's quite natural for a child to want the comfort of being in mummy and daddy's bed if they wake in a panic. It's amazing that your daughter never did it before! Your husband is really not very nice.

Good luck.