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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner does nothing! Feel lonely

35 replies

Mamas123 · 13/02/2022 20:11

This is my first time posting on something like this but I really would like some advice and don’t really have anyone else to talk to.

My other half does absolutely nothing around the house. He does cook maybe once a week and he will clean his own plate if I’ve already finished washing but that’s it. He works long hours and I totally understand for him to rest but I also work part time and I still do everything around the home. He has weekends off and again he will not do anything. He will stay in bed all day and night playing games. He also does this after work in the evenings. We are hardly intimate with each other, only if I’ve initiated it and sometimes he will refuse as he’s tired. When I do initiate it it’s because it’s been nearly a month without any kind of intimacy. Not even a cuddle or kiss. He never suggests date nights etc. it’s always me. I have spoken to him about this many times and nothing changes. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I have a lodger and I’m just a maid. I feel so lonely in this relationship as I’m always on the sofa on my own. I now go up to bed once I know he will be asleep as it annoys me so much that he can be on the PlayStation talking to mates or on his phone playing games etc but doesn’t spend any time with me. He tells me he loves me but I don’t feel like he does as he doesn’t show me. He also doesn’t wash or brush his teeth very often either so sometimes I actually don’t want to be near him.
I have children of my own and I don’t want them to think this is how a relationship is either.

OP posts:
NowEvenBetter · 14/02/2022 17:05

Stop accepting trash into your kids home, it’s not fair to them.
Of course this latest loser will put a tiny bit of effort into emotionally manipulating you so he can continue making a mug of you. You’d be a fool to believe him, just remove him from your kids lives and your property.

Let your kids enjoy their home without some arsehole being moved in.

NowEvenBetter · 14/02/2022 17:28

I was traumatised as a kid by my own mothers choices, so my thoughts are with the kids who have been through your last abusive relationship and their recovery. This waste of space boyfriend is irrelevant really, and shouldn’t be in their home.

Mamas123 · 15/02/2022 09:38

@AttilaTheMeerkat

You basically have gone from one type of abusive man to yet another type of abuser, a sadly not uncommon scenario. Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, are being further hit at by this man child now.

Your younger children basically like him only because they talk to him about gaming. That is no basis or any sort of reason for your relationship with him actually continuing.

Please look at the Freedom programme online, it is for those who have been in abusive relationships before.

What is the freedom program? Do you have a link please?
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/02/2022 10:19

Here you go OP: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

whiteworldgettingwhiter · 15/02/2022 10:20

You deserve better, op.

FMSucks · 15/02/2022 10:25

Hi OP. I was similar in that I went from a very controlling ex to a man who was the complete polar opposite. I had not healed from my controlling ex so thought well if the next guy is nothing like him then I'm on to a winner.

Boy was I wrong. His lack of emotion, caring, kindness, intimacy, attention destroyed me. I am a shell of the person I used to be. It's 4 years on from the end of our marriage and I'm still nowhere near healed from the pain this marriage caused me through loneliness and sheer indifference towards me.

Don't be me and get out now. You will not regret it. I would rather be lonely and single than lonely and married. xx

Jurassicparkinajug · 15/02/2022 10:28

Unfortunately you cannot change a person. You are not happy with things as they are and, as nothing will ever change, it leaves you one option really. You deserve to be happy. I think you'll be relieved to be away from him. Good luck OP.

One thing though, perhaps write him a letter detailing why you are leaving. That you asked him to change and he didn't. You might find it cathartic and it might help you move forward.

BlingLoving · 15/02/2022 10:28

I bet he doesn't contribute much financially either? He moved in with you and your children so the view was that as your'e already paying, there's no point in him paying a whole lot in? Amirite?

Classic cocklodger. Bin him and move on.

Mamas123 · 15/02/2022 12:20

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Thank you x
OP posts:
Pearly999 · 15/02/2022 12:37

You need to leave because men like that never change. I was in the same situation 2 years ago; he’d meet and go out with friends but not me, he’d never clean or wash up, he’d only be intimate when it suited him. I left after a big argument and basically never came home, best decision I ever made! I am so much happier now, and found someone who likes me! It is hard to leave but once you do you’ll never look back and be so much happier!

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