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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner does nothing! Feel lonely

35 replies

Mamas123 · 13/02/2022 20:11

This is my first time posting on something like this but I really would like some advice and don’t really have anyone else to talk to.

My other half does absolutely nothing around the house. He does cook maybe once a week and he will clean his own plate if I’ve already finished washing but that’s it. He works long hours and I totally understand for him to rest but I also work part time and I still do everything around the home. He has weekends off and again he will not do anything. He will stay in bed all day and night playing games. He also does this after work in the evenings. We are hardly intimate with each other, only if I’ve initiated it and sometimes he will refuse as he’s tired. When I do initiate it it’s because it’s been nearly a month without any kind of intimacy. Not even a cuddle or kiss. He never suggests date nights etc. it’s always me. I have spoken to him about this many times and nothing changes. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I have a lodger and I’m just a maid. I feel so lonely in this relationship as I’m always on the sofa on my own. I now go up to bed once I know he will be asleep as it annoys me so much that he can be on the PlayStation talking to mates or on his phone playing games etc but doesn’t spend any time with me. He tells me he loves me but I don’t feel like he does as he doesn’t show me. He also doesn’t wash or brush his teeth very often either so sometimes I actually don’t want to be near him.
I have children of my own and I don’t want them to think this is how a relationship is either.

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 13/02/2022 20:14

Come on you know what you need to do, so do it Flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/02/2022 20:20

"I have children of my own and I don’t want them to think this is how a relationship is either."

Indeed so teach them better lessons about relationships than the ones they have been exposed to by you being with this man at all. You and he need to separate and asap. Stop calling him your other half as well, he is nothing but a user with you to date being the host. His words, as you have all too clearly seen, are cheap and mean precisely nothing.

What is the situation here re the property; did he for instance move into your home?.

Mamas123 · 13/02/2022 21:04

I think I do know what to do but it's very hard. We was meant to get married but cancelled it due to covid (I cancelled it rather than postpone it as I haven't been happy with how he is in this relationship). Sometimes he can make an effort but only when I've got upset with him.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/02/2022 21:10

Feel the fear you have and do it anyway; make the break. Its going to only get harder for you the longer you remain with this manchild for whatever reason.

And remember your earlier comment too, ""I have children of my own and I don’t want them to think this is how a relationship is either."

charlie10k · 13/02/2022 21:14

Get rid. ASAP

Mamas123 · 13/02/2022 21:32

I left a very controlling relationship with my childrens dad as I didn't want my children to think that was how a relationship was (and my children even told me to leave their dad). This relationship I'm in now isn't controlling at all but I'm just not getting anything out of it. He's very lazy and his family have said that's how he is. He wasn't "lazy" at the beginning of the relationship. He was the one who initiated everything but since then I've had nothing from him unless I ask. And even then sometimes it's a no not tonight. He also did flirt message someone last year. I found it and sent him packing etc but then gave him a chance. Then it was really good again but only for a month or so and now it's just boring and lonely again. I have checked his phone incase he is messaging someone else but he isn't. It must just be how he is as his family put it.

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 13/02/2022 21:42

Sounds like you have acquired yourself an extra teenage dc op.
Get rid.
You are entitled to be in a relationship with a functioning adult.
Not mothering a stroppy ds..

marlowe5 · 13/02/2022 21:51

Get rid. I do wonder whether some of these types are attracted to competent single mothers because they are in fact looking to be a child themselves. They can keep up the pretence of being lovely for a while, and to those of us who have been in abusive and controlling relationships, they seem, in comparison to our abusive precious partners, softer and kinder. But they are in fact lazy and things only get worse. He isn't bringing anything valuable for you. It's presenting a terrible model for your DC as you say. What is the advantage of having him in your life? It doesn't sound like the compromises are worth it.

marlowe5 · 13/02/2022 21:52

Sorry 'previous' not 'precious'!!

Mamas123 · 13/02/2022 22:03

Thank you all so much for replying and giving advice! Like I said this is my first time venting on things like this before. I don't really have anyone to talk to as my previous relationship made me stop talking to friends and even family. I did have a couple of close friends that I spoke to about all this and they told me to get rid but because I gave him a second chance they stopped talking to me.
So thank you all so much for replying. It's so hard to have the courage to leave as I know he will be all lovely again so will make it hard to stick to it and will make me think "well he isn't as bad as my ex" although my ex was controlling etc he at least did do things around the house! So now I have someone who isn't controlling but is an absolute lazy person and won't even show me love or give me company.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 13/02/2022 22:23

If you don't have DC together then there's no point in living with him, he is adding to your work load.

Mamas123 · 13/02/2022 22:25

@Bananalanacake

If you don't have DC together then there's no point in living with him, he is adding to your work load.
That is how I feel... "he is adding to my work load."
OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 13/02/2022 22:27

What do your children think of him?

Mamas123 · 13/02/2022 22:36

They like him (someone to talk to about gaming) but my eldest has noticed that I'm on my own rather a lot watching tv.

OP posts:
Mamas123 · 13/02/2022 22:37

@GrazingSheep

What do your children think of him?
They like him (someone to talk to about gaming) but my eldest has noticed that I'm on my own rather a lot watching tv.
OP posts:
Mamas123 · 14/02/2022 00:37

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Sounds like you have acquired yourself an extra teenage dc op. Get rid. You are entitled to be in a relationship with a functioning adult. Not mothering a stroppy ds..
Sorry new to this... what does dc, op, ds mean?
OP posts:
FangsForTheMemory · 14/02/2022 00:58

DC = dear children
OP is original poster (you in other words)
DS = dear son

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/02/2022 07:00

You basically have gone from one type of abusive man to yet another type of abuser, a sadly not uncommon scenario. Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, are being further hit at by this man child now.

Your younger children basically like him only because they talk to him about gaming. That is no basis or any sort of reason for your relationship with him actually continuing.

Please look at the Freedom programme online, it is for those who have been in abusive relationships before.

PermanentTemporary · 14/02/2022 07:06

I wouldn't say this was abusive exactly but it does sound dysfunctional and depressing. I agree you'd do better to live on your own with your kids and recover from your previous relationship. Things can be better than this.

ANameChangeAgain · 14/02/2022 07:07

I think the message you are currently sending is that its better to put up with a bad relationship than be alone. The message you could be sending them is that its better to be alone than be in a bad relationship. Let them know that you tried, but you weren't happy, and that the happiness of you and your family is more important than worrying about another failed relationship.

YukoandHiro · 14/02/2022 07:09

You deserve better. You know you do which is why you're posting here.

GrendelsGrandma · 14/02/2022 07:16

Well done on leaving your abuse ex, OP. You're right that this slob is a slight improvement, but he's still not good enough, is he?

You deserved better than your abusive ex and you deserve better than this too.

Rainbowqueeen · 14/02/2022 07:24

I would end it.

He is not going to change so if you stay with him you will always be lonely.
If you leave, you can have friends and enjoy your life. I would be hesitant about rushing into another relationship. Take some time to work out your priorities in a relationship and how to spot red flags.

Good luck OP

Mamas123 · 14/02/2022 16:43

@Rainbowqueeen

I would end it. He is not going to change so if you stay with him you will always be lonely. If you leave, you can have friends and enjoy your life. I would be hesitant about rushing into another relationship. Take some time to work out your priorities in a relationship and how to spot red flags. Good luck OP
Thank you x
OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 14/02/2022 16:47

NOTHING WILL CHANGE, so what do you want to do ?