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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to deal with shouty DH

26 replies

Upset65799 · 13/02/2022 14:52

My DH has just had a massive go at at, over something that I feel (imo) is quite minor, and I'm looking for advice about the best way to deal with it. I've just been to the shops and I didn't get something which he asked me to get (a picture frame), despite looking for it in a couple of shops. He launched into a tirade about how I never put any effort into things like that, I haven't helped hang any of the pictures in the house, and I should have tried x,y,z. I told him that his reaction was unacceptable, and that he shouldn't shout at me, but he just brushed it off. It's not the first time he's done this, he does go off the handle about things which aren't really a big deal, and he's not bothered when I get upset. He'll quite often turn a minor incident into a wider ranging criticism of me, such as today, when he complains I don't put effort into things. Tbh he has a point about that to a degree, there are certain elements of our family life which I let him crack on and sort, but that's mainly because I do other things, like school and life admin, most cleaning/tidying/laundry/organising days out/holidays etc. When we've discussed this before, we'll agree that our overall division of labour is fair, I definitely take on most of the "mental load" and he's more practical, and he'll acknowledge that. I don't know if he really has an issue with this, or it's just an excuse because he shouted. What do I do now he's refused to see that his shouting at me is a problem? Even if he thinks it's fine, I don't, so surely he should try and see my point of view, rather than brushing it off? I think I've been quite clear that it's unacceptable, but don't know what to do now if he won't talk about it.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 13/02/2022 14:57

Shouting is completely unacceptable, and he doesn't have to agree with you. I'd be reevaluating your marriage and think about the example you are setting for your children.

GTAlogic · 13/02/2022 15:12

Treat him like you would a child or teen: every time he shouts, say that you refuse to be shouted at and walk away.

Upset65799 · 13/02/2022 15:23

Thank you, yes I think that sounds reasonable @GTAlogic. I'm avoiding him now, but sulking seems quite childish. I know what you mean @Aquamarine1029, shouting is not good at all and I am re-evaluating my marriage, but it's what that means that I'm struggling with. In many respects we have a good marriage, but I won't allow him to speak to me like that. I guess if he doesn't apologise, I don't know what to do. It seems very drastic to leave, when I'm not afraid of him or anything like that.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 13/02/2022 15:25

Walk away. Tell him you refuse to be shouted at and you will discuss it with him when he is prepared to do so at normal conversational volume.

2catsandhappy · 13/02/2022 15:34

Does he shout at colleagues, waiting staff, taxi drivers, retail staff etc etc?

Upset65799 · 13/02/2022 15:42

No, he only shouts at me. I pointed this out, he thinks that's "normal".

OP posts:
prickferrari · 13/02/2022 15:49

It's not acceptable and that he then uses black and white criticisms is abusive as well. You have an abusive partner, you have every right not to tolerate abuse, if you have dc they are affected. It is in no way jusy a personality thing, it is unacceptable and you deserve a partner who can behave reasonably.

prickferrari · 13/02/2022 15:51

I get that you acknowledge that it's not all bad but abusers are rarely all bad or they can't get into relationships to begin with. No amount of abuse in a relationship is okay. There should be none.

GeneLovesJezebel · 13/02/2022 15:54

It’s not acceptable to be shouted at. If he can’t change his behaviour, your choice is to put up or ship out.

prickferrari · 13/02/2022 15:56

It's not drastic to end a relationship where your partner is abusive. Would you have gone on a second date had he shouted at you like this on the first? How much abuse would you expect a friend to tolerate?

spaceman1 · 13/02/2022 15:57

I don't think it's acceptable to be shouted at. It's rude and disrespectful. I would not put up with it.

Buildingthefuture · 13/02/2022 16:02

No. He doesn’t think it’s “normal” if he doesn’t do it to anyone else. He’s making a choice to do it to you. An active, conscious choice to treat you with no respect. Tell him that he either gets help for his anger, or you are out. And MEAN IT. My DH was “shouty”. Not just at me, but primarily at me and I hated it. So I told him to sort it or he could fuck off. I absolutely meant it and he knew that. He had therapy which helped him see his behaviour was a choice….he was mortified, it stopped completely and hasn’t happened for years. People can change, but they really have to want to.

Shoxfordian · 13/02/2022 16:04

It’s not ok for him to shout at you like that
What are you going to do to change your situation?

blackdumpling · 13/02/2022 16:05

When you said you didn't get something at the shops
I thought it would food or some other essential item
Not a bloody picture frame
A photo frame is not an essential & no need to shout over this
In fact there is no need to shout about most things in life
He sounds thoroughly unpleasant
IMO

Upset65799 · 13/02/2022 16:09

Yes I need to tell him that if he continues to do this, that's the end of the marriage. I've complained numerous times about it in the past, but never mentioned divorce before. I do think you're right, I need to make it clear that when I say it's unacceptable and I won't put up with it, that this is what I mean. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
BloomingTrees · 13/02/2022 16:18

I had a similar problem with my DH shouting or just getting angry over something trivial. Afterwards he would always minimise it.
It wouldn't happen very often at all.
Long story short I decided to go zero tolerance and told him we didn't have a relationship anymore and I was getting prepared to leave him / get a divorce.

He absolutely didn't want us to spilt up. He started therapy. Turns out his father had been abusive to him in childhood but he'd always minimised this.

We're not there yet as I still don't trust him. He knows this and only time will tell.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 13/02/2022 16:32

Tell him you quit as his PA.
Maybe consider having any role in his life at all.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 13/02/2022 16:42

Do you have children?

Upset65799 · 13/02/2022 17:01

Yes, we've got two primary aged children. We've just had a more civilized talk and he's apologised. I made it clear the relationship would be over if he continued, I think he gets that. We've had discussions before when he's belittled me, and he hasn't done that for a long time, so I think he has the capacity to change. We'll see, I'll tell him the next step will be counselling with a view to divorce of he does it again.

OP posts:
UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 13/02/2022 17:50

Does he shout at the children or in front of them?

LizzieSiddal · 13/02/2022 17:56

No, he only shouts at me. I pointed this out, he thinks that's "normal"

What was his family like growing up? Did they shout at him? He may well think it is normal behaviour. However it is not acceptable and you’ve told him it isn’t normal and he needs to do something about it. My dh was “shouty” and I gave him an ultimatum Divorce or therapy. (I knew his childhood had been abusive and he needed to deal with it). He chose therapy and after a few months of it, I’ve not seen him lose his temper since and that was 6 years ago.

Would he give therapy a try?

NowEvenBetter · 13/02/2022 18:08

He can source and arrange therapy for himself. No counsellor would see you both together, because it’s a terrible idea to go to counselling with your abuser.

He’s a disgrace to treat you like that, and it’s an unacceptable example of behaviour to the kids.

Upset65799 · 13/02/2022 18:15

No, he doesn't shout at the DCs or in front of them, it's literally just me. Which does indicate that he can control his behaviour, which is sort of worse. I'm not really sure about his upbringing. Knowing his parents, I'd be surprised, but he has told me his mum and step dad used to have really terrible rows, so maybe it's come from that. I've told him I'll leave if it continues, so I guess I just need to be prepared to go through with it, and he can sort therapy if he wants to save the marriage.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 13/02/2022 18:31

Ask him what your parents would think of him if they could hear it, and what their advice would be. Ask him what he'd think of a man who spoke to his DD like that.

You are not 'simply his wife, putting up with it because he's your husband and it's part of being married'. You are an individual who deserves not live without being bullied, a mum, a daughter.

Not his whipping boy/emotional release object.

Mischance · 13/02/2022 18:35

Leave the room when he shouts. Go and get on with something else somewhere else.