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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to deal with shouty DH

26 replies

Upset65799 · 13/02/2022 14:52

My DH has just had a massive go at at, over something that I feel (imo) is quite minor, and I'm looking for advice about the best way to deal with it. I've just been to the shops and I didn't get something which he asked me to get (a picture frame), despite looking for it in a couple of shops. He launched into a tirade about how I never put any effort into things like that, I haven't helped hang any of the pictures in the house, and I should have tried x,y,z. I told him that his reaction was unacceptable, and that he shouldn't shout at me, but he just brushed it off. It's not the first time he's done this, he does go off the handle about things which aren't really a big deal, and he's not bothered when I get upset. He'll quite often turn a minor incident into a wider ranging criticism of me, such as today, when he complains I don't put effort into things. Tbh he has a point about that to a degree, there are certain elements of our family life which I let him crack on and sort, but that's mainly because I do other things, like school and life admin, most cleaning/tidying/laundry/organising days out/holidays etc. When we've discussed this before, we'll agree that our overall division of labour is fair, I definitely take on most of the "mental load" and he's more practical, and he'll acknowledge that. I don't know if he really has an issue with this, or it's just an excuse because he shouted. What do I do now he's refused to see that his shouting at me is a problem? Even if he thinks it's fine, I don't, so surely he should try and see my point of view, rather than brushing it off? I think I've been quite clear that it's unacceptable, but don't know what to do now if he won't talk about it.

OP posts:
wingscrow · 13/02/2022 18:52

I grew up in an abusive household where I was routinely shouted out and sworn out. This is what bullies do to try to control you and it destroys your self-esteem.

Any man who tries that with me, I am off. I find this type of behaviour scary and unacceptable.

You can disagree about something and have a difficult conversation without resorting to anger and shouting.

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