How to deal with husband who is a mood hoover?

[Nat09876]

My husband has progressively turned into a total mood hoover ..I can’t / don’t want to leave as I have two kids under two and I’ve already trialed doing this solo when he works away and it’s a nightmare. I’ve also not totally written off the marriage but I don’t have the time or energy to focus on it right now with the kids being young so need some tools to get by over the next couple of years without him sucking the life out of me.

For context examples include

• getting up every single morning and complaining about how tired and / or ill he is. I deal with 100% of night wakings and just get on with it so don’t have much sympathy..that’s not to say he isn’t allowed to be tired but it’s every single day and he only works 4 days s week at the moment, normal hours.
• constant critical, pessimistic attitude. Any idea I have about days out, holidays etc he immediately pisses on my bonfire but never comes up with any suggestions himself. I feel he criticises everything I do..even the way I speak / he will correct grammar or complain if I say ‘literally’ when it’s not actually literal etc. it feels draining and like I can’t say anything without it being scrutinised. If I complain then ‘he was only joking’
• thinks his way of doing things is the only way and talks to me like I’m and idiot if I object
• road rage ..I feel on edge every time we go for s drive as he always either shouts or complains about someone else’s driving
• pedestrian rage - likewise if we go for a walk in the park he will find fault in the way someone’s walking (too slow, pushing past etc). He huffs and storms past people, even gets annoyed at old people ffs.

Anyway I find I wake up in a good mood (separate rooms as I cosleep with youngest newborn and he needs his sleep!) and within 5 mins of being in the same room as him I feel as miserable as he does. How do you deflect negativity…it’s really draining me to live with this but I worry about the impact on the kids if I leave. He does manage to be a bit cheerier around then thank god but not always …my eldest adores him though

Going it alone for a short time when he's working away is very different to lone parenting where you know it's just you. If you are on you're own you're not dreading when he comes back and hoovers up any positivity. He wouldn't be there to bring you down every day. I had 2 dc with my exh and then had a third as a single mum with a father who has only seen his child once. Having 3 on my own was easier than 2 with my exH. I'm sorry you are going through this and hope you can find a way to leave. You're dc will be affected by his negativity too along with having an unhappy mum. Can you talk to your health visitor? Does your husband know how much his negativity is affecting you? Has he always been like this?

My ex was like this. It was awful. He worked a lot but when he was around his gloom just filled the house and drained me. I'm now single mum to 2 young kids and it's much easier. Obviously I'm not as financially secure but my mental health is so much better without him sucking my energy.

Before we split I encouraged him to seek counselling and he did take anti depressants. It improved things a bit, but there were other issues as well, so separating was right for us. Has your DH tried therapy or been to the GP, is he even aware of how you're feeling about his moods?

I am In a similar situation. My husband literally sucks the life out of my soul. He is an ex military and never settled into civvy life and resents everything in our life. I have begged him to leave but he won't. Its 9.26 on a Saturday morning and he's already deflated our 12 year old's soul and I am mentally digging the shallow grave in the garden. I survive by having nothing to do with him when he is like this.. Which can be weeks. He refuses to seek help of any kind. Get out whilst you can is my advise. I can't leave because hubby can't afford the house. I am the breadwinner and can afford it but he won't go. We still go out with friends, never alone and I cannot go abroad on holiday with him after the last one as I had to fly home on day 3 his moods were so bad. Its pure joy

Ah- this is very familiar- !! Particularly the driving. My H is also a very fast walker and storms off ahead of me all the time- I'm like the trailing Indian wife if you know what I mean.

"I need some tools to get by over the next couple of years without him sucking the life out of me".

There are no tools you can be given because he will continue to suck the life out of you all. You need to start planning your exit now before your children and you are further affected by his abuse. Two or three years more of this shit from him will wear you down and it will feel even harder to leave. He is furthermore emotionally harming his children by being nice towards them and abusive towards you as their mother; it could only be a matter of time before they start viewing you the same. Its not your fault nor theirs he has decided to embark on his own private based war against you. This is all on him and I would think that either one or both his parents are the same way.

I would ask you why you have not written this marriage off yet; it is only because of the kids?. Staying for their sake is a very bad idea here. What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here; you would not want this for them in their relationship either. The older they get the more they will see of this life at home and normalise it for themselves; they'll think yes this is how people treat each other in relationships. This is no legacy to be leaving them. There is always a way out and you are married to this person; exercise your legal rights fully here. You are not as powerless as you think you are. Contacting both Womens Aid and the Rights of Women too could also help you.

IME you can hope it gets better and it won't, then eventually split when your DC are teens - totally recommend doing it sooner....

Would you want either of your DC to be in a marriage like the one you are in?

These abusive men won't readily leave and won't let go of you easily either; they enjoy the power and control they have over you. They are also lazy sods and like having you women around to abuse and mistreat as they see fit. If you left him (which you all absolutely should) they would have to go out and find another woman (these types of men also hate women, all of them) to do the donkey work for them. Your childrens' home, as well as your own, is not the sanctuary it should be.

Nat09876

I think your eldest fears him on some level and knows already that something is not quite right here. Your children are going to learn fast that becoming and being hypervigilant to his moods along with being quiet (afraid to speak out or up) and subservient ant to and around their abuser dad is the way to behave. Just like you do. I urge you most strongly to start planning your exit now before your abuser H further drags you and your kids down with him into his pit.

Sorry you poor thing…but leave. Or makes plans to facilitate leaving at some point in the future. They never get any better. This is who he is. I know all about the mood hoover having been married to one for a long time myself. Everything you say is a yup yup yup from me. It’s SHITE!
I largely live my own life and leave him mouldering at home now. I ignore his negativity and arrogance when we are together, just leave it hanging there in the air. He’s a dismal fucker.
We will split when I can buy him out of the house.

If you’re in a position to plan your life around choices that serve you, do it. Build towards financial independence and a happy atmosphere without him.

Your children will start to tip toe around him, be conscious of 'not upsetting Daddy'. Leave - you and your children will be so much happier. You will feel a weight lift from your shoulders.

Agree with previous posters.
You need to get the strength to even contemplate leaving, it's very easy for people to say "just leave" but the reality is overwhelming and you do nothing for years but are blamed for the effects on the kids.
However if you get yourself into a mental place where you will and can take action then things may change.
Try and find a therapist/ring a helpline on the QT/find out your rights and how you could live without him financially. This will give you the strength to tackle him.
Then talk to him and suggest couples counselling or give him an ultimatum or whatever you have decided.
The only thing that will work if he genuinely believes you are going to go through with it. Otherwise it's just a bit of fun for him and a reason to have a go at you further. Then he might change his behaviour sufficiently for things to improve.
Best of luck.

"We will split when I can buy him out of the house".

I hope that is sooner rather than later for you Pictish; he's sucked the life and soul out of you long enough now. I have presumed you've already sought recent legal advice re the house and have a clear picture.

Have you had any conversations about how you're feeling? Not rows but sitting him down & laying it out clearly as you have above?

I know it's shit & hard, and he'll go on the defensive but if you're not leaving you it's worth at least trying to tell him how shit you find his behaviour.

My DH has moods - I know exactly what you mean about the mood hoover, you can feel the change in the weather.
But after some hard conversations, he also accepts there are things he can do - mainly physical activity or something social with someone who isn't me - which help. He tries to be proactive (doesn't always work but it's SO much better).

If he refuses to listen & even try then fuck him. He doesn't deserve you.
My tools would be: put you & kids first always; look after your MH - find a physical activity to release stress. See your friends regularly. If you work, get yourself a sensible development plan taking into account when the kids go into F/T education.
Basically, build a life for when you're ready to leave.

NO to couples counselling, it is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Such men if they go to sessions (which they often do not anyway) will try to manipulate the counsellor and get that person on his side. They will have no voice nor be heard in those sessions and will end up feeling worse. If counselling is to be considered here these women need to be in session on their own.

I know you say you cannot contemplate leaving him while the children are so young and I get it, I really do, about how overwhelming this may seem.

But hands down you can do it. It’s more of a mindset than anything else. You can absolutely do it, and you will find you feel a hell of a lot happier.

"They will have no voice nor be heard in those sessions and will end up feeling worse"

This sentence refers to women in joint counselling sessions with such men. There are many such examples of women going into counselling with their abusers and more often than not the above scenario plays out.

None of you should ever undergo joint counselling with your H's. They know how you feel and they do not care; such men only care for their own selves.

I think there are flaws in your plan. You are planning to 'get through' the next 2 years and then you'll have time and energy to really deal with the issue.

1. There is no magical way to get through the next couple of years without it impacting on you and likely your children. You will resent him even more and your life will be made more miserable by him.


2. You won't suddenly have tonnes more energy when your children are 2 years older. There will be other demands on your time and emotions, and it will never be the right time. You could end up saying 'just another 2 years...'


3. The older your children are, the more it will affect them when you split. Better to do it sooner if it's going to happen.


4. What do you think would change in 2 years? He is who he is. Presumably you've talked to him about it and he doesn't want to change. And it's about much more than being a mood hoover. He treats you with contempt and disrespect. That runs much deeper.


5. If this is who he is, the sooner you get away from him the better. As PP said, looking after children on your own as a single parent will likely be much less stressful than tip toeing around his moods and being constantly vigilant trying to protect your children from him.

Kicking the can down the road by planning to get through the next two years somehow is not going to help you nor for that matter your children.

And whilst you are living under the same roof you cannot fully protect your children from them seeing or otherwise picking up on his abuses of you. They can and do pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken, between you and dad.

Does he acknowledge that he’s meant, miserable and moody? What’s making him that way? Presumably he wasn’t when you got married?

Is it ‘just’ a reaction to family life drudgery with small children, or is it work or health issues? Is he depressed?

Lots of replies seem to suggest he’s abusive but I don’t get that from your OP. He seems like a huffy arse, that is wearing and annoying, and communication obviously isn’t great, but I’m not seeing abusive necessarily.

Do you address his moaning? E.g. DH you’re tired a lot at the moment even after a full nights sleep - do you think you should see the GP?

I'm in a similar situation. Kids walk km eggshells, he shouts at them and has absolutely no patience. I can't afford to buy him out of the house but am taking steps to make it happen as soon as I can. He's the main breadwinner earning 4x my salary.

I've been getting help and doing CBT which is really helpful.

I stay and recognise that he is detached and that if anything needs done (childcare, grocery shopping, parties, dentist etc) then I have to do it. I have managed to get rid of the resentment his laziness caused.

I leave and have no control over how he behaves with the kids.

It's shit and so fucking common. How do we end up with these bastards?

This is the sort of advice I’d give based on your OP.

Your poor child.

Have you not sought legal advice?

This is emotional abuse that will scar your child forever.

You are very wrong to be so accepting and passive of this situation.

Your son is being terribly damaged by this.

Please call Womens aid for support and seek legal advice asap.

Agree re couples counselling - go to counselling yourself if you can get away otherwise a helpline should help give you the confidence / validation.
Also it sounds like emotional abuse (if not also verbal), there are ways men can invalidate you every time you open your mouth with smart remarks/put downs or the anticipation of one or some other problem.

If he's claiming he's tired / depressed and doing nothing about it other than making it your problem that's also abusive.

Women that can't leave the relationship....this is because you have had the life sucked out of you. I was like this , it took me around 3 years and several attempts but I did it for the sake of ds
Think back to before you met him , I bet you dont recognise yourself.

It's been a long hard road but when my friend said to me " watch out- she's back!" (Meaning my old plucky self) it was a proud / happy/ self realisation moment
You can probably stick this marriage out indefinitely op but it's not fair on your children.

I've been there I raised my own children by my self there adults now it was hard work but I got used to rather do it than spend my life with someone who treated me like crap I get the grammar I'd say yeah okay ex would reply it's YES I WILL ect and then I'd have to say it properly again the joy's of living with a butt hole