How to deal with husband who is a mood hoover?

[Nat09876]

My husband has progressively turned into a total mood hoover ..I can’t / don’t want to leave as I have two kids under two and I’ve already trialed doing this solo when he works away and it’s a nightmare. I’ve also not totally written off the marriage but I don’t have the time or energy to focus on it right now with the kids being young so need some tools to get by over the next couple of years without him sucking the life out of me.

For context examples include

• getting up every single morning and complaining about how tired and / or ill he is. I deal with 100% of night wakings and just get on with it so don’t have much sympathy..that’s not to say he isn’t allowed to be tired but it’s every single day and he only works 4 days s week at the moment, normal hours.
• constant critical, pessimistic attitude. Any idea I have about days out, holidays etc he immediately pisses on my bonfire but never comes up with any suggestions himself. I feel he criticises everything I do..even the way I speak / he will correct grammar or complain if I say ‘literally’ when it’s not actually literal etc. it feels draining and like I can’t say anything without it being scrutinised. If I complain then ‘he was only joking’
• thinks his way of doing things is the only way and talks to me like I’m and idiot if I object
• road rage ..I feel on edge every time we go for s drive as he always either shouts or complains about someone else’s driving
• pedestrian rage - likewise if we go for a walk in the park he will find fault in the way someone’s walking (too slow, pushing past etc). He huffs and storms past people, even gets annoyed at old people ffs.

Anyway I find I wake up in a good mood (separate rooms as I cosleep with youngest newborn and he needs his sleep!) and within 5 mins of being in the same room as him I feel as miserable as he does. How do you deflect negativity…it’s really draining me to live with this but I worry about the impact on the kids if I leave. He does manage to be a bit cheerier around then thank god but not always …my eldest adores him though

I'm sorry but you are aiding the abuse of your child. You may need to get help and advice but you need to do something instead of burying your head in the sand

I've no advice but I feel your pain @Nat09876

My husband is such a mood hoover and finds the negative in every situation, but also dodoesn'look at positives for balance or make alternatove suggestions.

I remember reading on here ages ago that it's better to split when you still like each other. I've been thinking about that for such a long time. At what stage of like do you even know. I'm not sure I even like him anymore, I mean who he's become. I don't even think he likes himself but the male ego can't seek help!

No advice, just solidarity!

Sorry about the typos 🤦‍♀️

You’re putting off the inevitable. You need to end the relationship. Please do it for your children’s sake.

I grew up with a mother like this it was awful I had an eating disorder as a teenager and neither parent noticed, only school. I used to hope my father would realise and leave her so I didn't have to live with her but no, and now 45 years later they are both miserable . Trying to keep her happy was more important than the happiness of their children, either tell him to sort it out or leave

In two years' time, he'll be busy crushing your DCs' souls, correcting their grammar, knocking everything they say and insisting that he has 50% residence whilst bitching at them from the moment they wake him up to leave him alone because he's tired. And they'll be used to trying to engage him and failing whilst wishing that Daddy liked them, rather than their making him miserable.

But leave him now, although you'll have to look after them on your own, you won't have to deal with him and they won't have much, if any memory, of him making them feel like they're never going to be good enough every single day of their lives.

Wow, are you married to my husband? This is scarily familiar... The sad thing with mine is that I don't think he realises how negative he is, but it never stops. I co-sleep with my toddler, have done all the night wakings since birth but he still gets up every day complaining about being tired, then does a really long workout and complains about being tired /injured from that, then complains about the house, his work, etc etc. I can never get away because he wfh and he nags me constantly about the mess in the house (he has ocd so his version of mess is a glass left on the side). He also has a hair trigger temper so is always swearing at things, even tiny things like dropping some water on the floor can set him off.

Someone very close to me died recently and it's just making me look at my life and wonder whether this is really what I want. I daydream about buying a tiny flat somewhere and just living there on my own, being able to just relax and not being criticised all the time. The sad thing is that I do love him, he's a good person underneath it all and has many excellent qualities, but I just don't know if that's enough. Add in the fact that he won't lay a finger on me, no physical affection whatsoever and no sex life for years, and I'm starting to think that I need to get out. Part of me thinks we should try therapy but I think he would need to change so much that I'm not sure there's any point! We have been going through a tough time which has made everything worse but ultimately he is who he is.

Is he unwell? Your comment about him getting up every morning moaning about being tired stood out to me, DH has chronic fatigue and he's the same. He tries his best to manage it and we do a lot ensure he gets adequate sleep (he gives back just as much to me) but he wakes feeling shocking. When he's had comorbid depression in the past it's put him in an awful mood too. It really brings you down. Funny how people say 'depression isn't contagious' as a way to reassure people that they should spend time around their depressed loved ones instead of avoiding them, it's true in medium doses but living with someone who is like this can absolutely be infectious. There were times when I'd just have given anything for him to spring out of bed at 8am ready and happy for the day excited to go do things with us instead of dragging himself up at 9am in pain and complaining and then feeling like I was trying to pep the whole family up to compensate.

Difference is DH had a diagnosis and was doing his best to get better, thankfully the worst of his depression has passed for now, and his fatigue is permanent but somewhat manageable as a team as long as I do things like every morning with the kids, which I enjoy thankfully.

Has he been assessed for his mental health? I'm not saying it's that, he might just be an arsehole, and either way you have every right to leave if it's making you miserable, and it might be better for the kids if you do. But if you're thinking of ways to approach this situation then it might be worth checking out.

Seriously, and I know I'm going to be jumped on, but I think if pressed for the truth your guy will probably say he's grumpy because you're cosleeping in another room with the baby. He thinks he signed up for sex on tap and now he gets none. He feels resentful and trapped. This will present with him being moody and angry. This is a man's perspective. It sounds entitled, and it is. But sex - and exercise- are integral to mens' happiness.

It's important to distinguish two types of misery. First, there is the man who's miserable/depressed for a reason – he hates his job, for example, or his mother has died. If your partner is usually cheerful and easy going, but has been floored by something beyond his control, it's your duty to stand by him. That's what a relationship is. You share the good times and support each other through the bad.

But then there is the second type – the man who is gloomy and miserable for no reason. Chuck self-pity into the mix, or a babyish need for care and attention, and you've got a nightmare on your hands. Some people actually enjoy being miserable. They get a kick out of it. My ex was like that – seemed to get a perverse kick out of finding the negative in everything (the sun is shining?...Yeah, but it's too hot. We're driving to the coast tomorrow!...Yeah, but I bet we won't get parked, etc).

One thing's for sure, he wont change. Men seem to become more insular, miserable and anti-social as they age. I've known so many women complain that "he never wants to do anything." (How often have you heard that?!) A lot of men reach middle-age and sort of revert to childhood. Their wife then becomes a kind of mother, who they want there 24/7 to rant and whinge at. When she won't pat them on the head, tell them it's all OK and that they're right to be upset, and so on, they get angry.

It's a bit like saying 'My house is on fire but I don't want to get off the sofa. What advice can you give me?'

There is no advice, except to leave.

@Kris02 that sums it up very well- a lot of older men in long marriages use their wives as a combination of housekeeper/PA /psychotherapist/whipping post - and then wonder why they aren't remotely interested in sex. The Victor Meldrew character was exceedingly accurate in many cases .

My ex-husband was EXACTLY like this. I put him out and divorced him at 7 months pregnant with our second child. I could see his behaviour impacting the mood and well-being of our first born who was 5, at the time. He sounds like a clone of your husband. I was left caring for elderly folk, working, while raising two children as a single parent. One has a medical condition, and the other has autism. It is not easy, but way easier than having my ex in the house everyday doing the same drama on repeat. It just erodes you as a person in the end. Nothing in your power can change who he is, and you have a right to a happy life. So do your children, and they will thrive when this negative energy is lifted away from them.