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Original poster

Feelings for friend - advice needed

35 replies

Wanttobeoverit · 13/02/2022 07:51

I have a friend who I have known and worked with for nearly half a year. We are very close friends and both single.

As soon as we met, we got on incredibly well. It was like he filled a gap in my life that I didn’t even know was there. I feel like I really know him because we work very closely and we have both supported each other through difficult things. I care about him a lot.

Everyone thinks there is something going on between us and I’ve heard this from so many different people. They think he treats me differently to anyone else, that it’s been obvious from the beginning etc. I realised I had feelings for him and while he and I had spoken about the rumours and we both said there was nothing in it, I was still just overthinking things and I couldn’t be fucked with it anymore so I told him how I felt. He said (like I knew he would) that he didn’t feel the same.

That was totally fine, because I felt relieved that I could stop second guessing the way he was with me and just enjoy things for what they were. Our friendship wasn’t affected at all and if anything we are probably closer than we were. Something I really appreciate about him is that all the little things he does for me to make my life easier and to make me happy are just because he cares about me, not because he wants to shag me!

For about a month everything was fine but we spent the day together yesterday and while I don’t think at all that he likes me, it just makes me feel a bit sad in some ways that I might struggle to find someone who is as easy to talk to, as kind, as interesting, and who makes me laugh as much as he does. I wonder if I am just kidding myself that I can be his friend when I feel like this. I am genuinely happy just being friends, I don’t flirt with him or anything like that, but at the same time I don’t see him the same way as I do my other friends. With any other man I’d think he was just stringing me along, but I’ve never met someone as honest and just… good as him.

What do I do? Will these feelings just go away or am I just stopping them from healing because I spend lots of time with him? A small horrible part of me worries that any man I meet is going to end up being second best.

OP posts:
AfterSchoolWorry · 13/02/2022 07:58

Aww, I don't think the feelings will go while you two are so close on a daily basis.

Something like someone leaving the job/promotion/him getting a girlfriend/boyfriend will probably eventually force an end to the situation.

Original poster
Wanttobeoverit · 13/02/2022 08:00

@AfterSchoolWorry we won’t be working as closely together next year. While I obviously don’t love the idea of him getting a girlfriend, he really deserves someone who he loves and who loves him just as much, and I just want him to be happy.

OP posts:
Putpabalh · 13/02/2022 08:02

It's so hard when it's one way. Ofcourse there's going to be other men you will like stuff about and feel bonds with. I don't think strong feelings come along often like you are experiencing and it will possibly stay with you along time but you will get over things.

In 2010 I was 23 and split from a cheat. A guy ended up being their for me. He'd hang with me at night. We'd have late night chats. We ended up having sex. It was May and I remember the birds whistling at 5am when I walked home realising I had such strong feelings for this man. Then a week or so later we argued and he told me he was done. I was absolutely heartbroken. We shared a month of our lives and I was still thinking of him 2 years later..it still hurt. I was envious of the beautiful girlfriend he had and married 6 months after Me.

I guess distancing yourself is the only way. Good luck x

Jewel1968 · 13/02/2022 08:07

I think a part of you probably hopes he will change his mind. Like a good romantic movie.

I suspect it is not doing his ego any harm knowing you have feelings for him. And that is understandable and human.

Anyway I think you should try and see less of him, go out with other friends etc ... If you are looking for a mate you won't find one if you are focused on him.

Original poster
Wanttobeoverit · 13/02/2022 08:13

@Jewel1968

I think a part of you probably hopes he will change his mind. Like a good romantic movie.

I suspect it is not doing his ego any harm knowing you have feelings for him. And that is understandable and human.

Anyway I think you should try and see less of him, go out with other friends etc ... If you are looking for a mate you won't find one if you are focused on him.

I don’t even think we’d be a particularly great couple. I think differences in how we deal with things would become challenging.

I would put my house (if I had one) on him never changing his mind. I really am not his type.

He is just unlike any other man I’ve met - when he says I look nice every day, or he buys me chocolate from the shop when I’ve had a hard day, or he gives me his coat when I’m cold I don’t even read into it now. I’m just like 🤷‍♀️ that’s just him being a good friend. He probably does enjoy the boost in some way.

OP posts:
Jewel1968 · 13/02/2022 08:24

Think you need to protect yourself. It must be having an impact on you. Maybe if you had a break from his friendship you would be able to rengage in a stronger state of mind. I just think it must it must damage you a bit emotionally every time he is nice to you and you want more (even if you know more isn't going to happen).

Original poster
Wanttobeoverit · 13/02/2022 08:33

@Jewel1968 I agree. It’s definitely way, way easier now because I just sort of brush it off other than appreciating it is a kind thing to do, whereas before I’d overthink it, but it’s still not easy.

OP posts:
EthicalNonMahogany · 13/02/2022 08:35

I don't think he's quite as nice as you think he is.

Think what it's like in his shoes. What does it feel like hanging out with someone you know is in love with you but you don't love them. You see their sparkly eyes, their warm positive attention on you. And if you don't feel drawn to them, you start to feel... icky? Maybe even repulsed, because you feel sorry and a bit guilty that you can't return their feelings and you know it's not a "clean" relationship. You know you can't give what they need. You feel sad for them as you like them as a friend. You feel sad that the friendship can't stay the same and you know you have to withdraw a bit and be the grown up.

OR - you're a bit emotionally leaky and needy, and quite like basking in the glow of someone else's painful yearning; you're not mature enough to handle real dating and vulnerability and rejection yourself; and you don't really give a fuck about their feelings. In that case you hang around, being as interesting as possible. You look at the person who fancies you with soulful eyes and encourage intimacy. You tenderly give them your coat in the rain. And you lap it up.

Which is he, OP?

Silvergreen · 13/02/2022 08:41

@EthicalNonMahogany

I don't think he's quite as nice as you think he is.

Think what it's like in his shoes. What does it feel like hanging out with someone you know is in love with you but you don't love them. You see their sparkly eyes, their warm positive attention on you. And if you don't feel drawn to them, you start to feel... icky? Maybe even repulsed, because you feel sorry and a bit guilty that you can't return their feelings and you know it's not a "clean" relationship. You know you can't give what they need. You feel sad for them as you like them as a friend. You feel sad that the friendship can't stay the same and you know you have to withdraw a bit and be the grown up.

OR - you're a bit emotionally leaky and needy, and quite like basking in the glow of someone else's painful yearning; you're not mature enough to handle real dating and vulnerability and rejection yourself; and you don't really give a fuck about their feelings. In that case you hang around, being as interesting as possible. You look at the person who fancies you with soulful eyes and encourage intimacy. You tenderly give them your coat in the rain. And you lap it up.

Which is he, OP?

THIS.
Loopytiles · 13/02/2022 08:44

He was never really a friend in your eyes. It was an ‘intense’ work ‘friendship’ with attraction, for you at least.

If you would like a relationship, spend much less time and interact much less with him, and more with others.

If he was decent he’d be backing right off.

Original poster
Wanttobeoverit · 13/02/2022 08:48

@Loopytiles I don’t agree with that. He was my friend first, and he still is.

@EthicalNonMahogany to be fair if it was the other way round I would absolutely back off if I didn’t have feelings for the other person. I don’t think I’d even do the whole ego boost thing - i would probably feel fairly uncomfortable in their presence in some ways. Maybe it’s different for men, but I do completely get what you’re saying. He’s not stupid and he must, I guess, know a little bit what he’s doing.

OP posts:
EthicalNonMahogany · 13/02/2022 08:54

exactly. And it's really not different for men. You've told him explicitly of your feelings. He knows what he should do.

Silvergreen · 13/02/2022 08:55

Definitely not different for men. You should see how common this tragic scenario is in lesbian friendships!

Loopytiles · 13/02/2022 08:57

6 months is a very short time and you say you became ‘very close friends’.

That’s intense and not a typical path for friendship. Your work colleagues made comments etc.

He’s not your friend. he’s a man you would’ve liked a relationship with who is not offering that. He’s also not, now behaving kindly.

It won’t help you, with your social life, work life or romantic life, to continue to spend lots of your attention, feelings, time and energy on him.

Original poster
Wanttobeoverit · 13/02/2022 09:24

It’s so shit. It was way better for a little while but this morning I’m just really tired after sleeping badly and I don’t want to go back to feeling sad about it.

OP posts:
Jewel1968 · 13/02/2022 09:29

I have been in the situation where a male friend has made their feelings known (more than once) and my response is always one of discomfort and distancing and a bit upset at the loss of what I thought was a friendship. I think my response is fairly typical. You have to ask yourself why his response is different.

AllOfUsAreDead · 13/02/2022 09:34

What @EthicalNonMahogany said.

This man is not as nice as you think. He is using you for an ego boost.

A friend of mine had feelings for me, I didn't return them and was in a relationship. I withdrew from the friendship because its not fair on the other person to let them think they might have a chance still or that the feelings are reciprocated.

You said yourself you would do the same. He should be too. The fact he isn't is very clear.

ThePlantsitter · 13/02/2022 09:40

I wonder if this is partly you OP? You can get into a pattern like this, of being in love with men who aren't in love with you, if your self-esteem is low it there's something in your past that James you feel you're unworthy to be loved romantically.

You've happened across a man who's prepared to take advantage of this - for whatever reason, probably also some pain of his own - and I know how hard that feels but I would be asking myself why I wasn't a bit more angry with him. Counselling doesn't cure everything and it can be tricky to find, but I have found it very helpful for this sort of thing in the past.

ThePlantsitter · 13/02/2022 09:41

Random James/makes typo sorry!!

BoristalkedaboutBruno22 · 13/02/2022 09:50

Six months isn’t long, the infatuation will wane, I promise. Enjoy his company but try dating, get a friend to set you up or go online?

Original poster
Wanttobeoverit · 13/02/2022 09:52

@ThePlantsitter the thing is, this never happens! The last (and only other) time I’ve liked a friend who hasn’t liked me was when I was 19, so 8 years ago.

We haven’t spoken about the fact that I said I liked him since, so I wonder if he just thinks it’s fine and forgotten about.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wanttobeoverit · 13/02/2022 09:52

@BoristalkedaboutBruno22

Six months isn’t long, the infatuation will wane, I promise. Enjoy his company but try dating, get a friend to set you up or go online?
I am on OLD which is also why I think maybe my friend thinks he doesn’t need to distance, because I’m “looking” (not seriously) for someone else
OP posts:
SarahJessicaPorker · 13/02/2022 09:56

Oof, this is so hard. Also agree that he isn't the stellar guy you think he is tbh. He is definitely leading you on a bit with telling you you look nice and buying you chocolates. Picture another guy at work - one you are not at all attracted to - doing the same thing. Creepy yes? So he is not being a nice friendly colleague. He is deliberately fuelling your feelings for him for whatever reason.

duacheapa · 13/02/2022 10:05

Really interesting what ThePlantSitter has just written. I know that when I was younger, I repeatedly had my heart broken by falling for guys who did not love me. But, did very much take advantage of the fact I felt the way I did about them.
It took me years and years until the penny finally dropped that I did this. Throughout life I have craved the validation of men - unfortunately for me, due to some classic 'Daddy issues', being the 'ugly sister', a lifetime of bullying, resulting in chronic low self esteem. It seems such a weird notion to seek love from people we know will not love us back, when to be loved is all we want.
I fell for a colleague/friend a few years ago.
Though initially I found him attractive, it definitely started just a friendship. Similarly though, it became very intense very quickly. I know that I am in intense person, and will go 'all in' when shown some reciprocation. I never explicitly revealed my feelings for him, nor did he to me. Despite my best efforts to 'get on with it', draw lines, and step back from the 'friendship' we constantly went around in circles. It was a mess, exhausting. Yet we always went back for more. Until we didn't. We fell out once and for all, and he left. I haven't seen him since. It completely broke me. Here I am almost 18 months on, and I don't think I will ever really 'get over it'. I know now though, that I will never let myself get so close to someone again.
You can't help your feelings, but you can protect them.

LemonTT · 13/02/2022 10:14

Honestly you are lying to yourself about this situation. For example you say in this post you are ok with things as they are and then that you are sad about the relationship.

I’d also say your infatuation is causing you to idealise him and that he isn’t this perfect gentleman. Because they don’t exist except through the lens of infatuation. For most people reality does peak through infatuation anyway and we can see the human. We fall in love with humans not the idols.

If he won’t back away then you should. No other answer to this situation. Because you are deluded that you won’t be in bits when he does start a relationship. And it will cause trouble for all three of you.