Feelings for friend - advice needed

[Wanttobeoverit]

I have a friend who I have known and worked with for nearly half a year. We are very close friends and both single.

As soon as we met, we got on incredibly well. It was like he filled a gap in my life that I didn’t even know was there. I feel like I really know him because we work very closely and we have both supported each other through difficult things. I care about him a lot.

Everyone thinks there is something going on between us and I’ve heard this from so many different people. They think he treats me differently to anyone else, that it’s been obvious from the beginning etc. I realised I had feelings for him and while he and I had spoken about the rumours and we both said there was nothing in it, I was still just overthinking things and I couldn’t be fucked with it anymore so I told him how I felt. He said (like I knew he would) that he didn’t feel the same.

That was totally fine, because I felt relieved that I could stop second guessing the way he was with me and just enjoy things for what they were. Our friendship wasn’t affected at all and if anything we are probably closer than we were. Something I really appreciate about him is that all the little things he does for me to make my life easier and to make me happy are just because he cares about me, not because he wants to shag me!

For about a month everything was fine but we spent the day together yesterday and while I don’t think at all that he likes me, it just makes me feel a bit sad in some ways that I might struggle to find someone who is as easy to talk to, as kind, as interesting, and who makes me laugh as much as he does. I wonder if I am just kidding myself that I can be his friend when I feel like this. I am genuinely happy just being friends, I don’t flirt with him or anything like that, but at the same time I don’t see him the same way as I do my other friends. With any other man I’d think he was just stringing me along, but I’ve never met someone as honest and just… good as him.

What do I do? Will these feelings just go away or am I just stopping them from healing because I spend lots of time with him? A small horrible part of me worries that any man I meet is going to end up being second best.

You're unlikely to meet the love of your life while you're still in contact with him.

Have you had a good reciprocal relationship in the gap between the last time you loved someone who loved you? I'm not trying to catch you out. I just think someone with a secure self esteem would not take this shit from someone. If you don't want someone as a romantic partner it is not honourable or respectful to treat them as one even if you have said 'I don't fancy you'. Actions speak louder than words and all that.

@ThePlantsitter yeah, two good and healthy relationships. I definitely don’t have low self esteem. It’s just difficult because I guess maybe I’m giving him too much benefit of the doubt. I don’t think he really acts like he likes me but he is nicer and closer to me than I would be in his situation.

Well then, take back control. You can't make him love you but you are in charge of your own feelings. It doesn't have to be mean or punishing to him, but you are torturing yourself having him as such a close friend and you need to distance yourself. Use your good self esteem to establish boundaries that make you feel ok. If he notices & asks why you can just say it is inappropriate for a work relationship to be so personal. Don't tell him it's too painful for you. He is on some level enjoying your pain because he is discouraging you with his words and encouraging you with his actions (unless he has said something that really makes him unsuitable, like he's gay or something, and so is carrying on as normal thinking that you know a relationship is out of the question. In that case the advice still stands).

OP, you might notice people giving you tough love on this, but otherwise sensible people have lost YEARS of their lives on 'friendships' like this. Don't be one of them.

Just a thought, he’s not gay is he?

@LittleMG

Just a thought, he’s not gay is he?

Sadly not - that would make my life a LOT easier

Is there any financial benefit or social benefit work wise to him being especially kind to you.

You say next year you will not be colleagues, will he still be as available as a friend then?

I've been in this situation a lot and I think whether it can still work as a friendship depends mostly on the kind of headspace you're in. If you were happily trucking along being single and then this amazing guy appeared out of nowhere, you had a brief fantasy about it maybe turning into more, but ultimately it didn't work out that way, chances are your feelings will fade with time. As you meet other potentially dateable people it'll divert some of the feelings away from this particular guy and make them less intense.

Where it really starts getting messy is if you see him as the only person who can possibly make you happy - for example if you feel there's no-one else in the world as good as him, or you think this could be your last chance to find someone before you're too old, or some other niggling anxiety/insecurity. That's when you're in danger of getting fixated on one person being the answer to all your problems, and where you can waste years convincing yourself that 'maybe one day...', even when all the signs are that things are never going to change.

It's concerning that you describe him as filling a gap in your life - no one person should ever be in that role really, not even a partner IMHO. It's just too much strain for a single relationship to take. Other people aren't always going to be able to act as you want them to even if they have the best intentions, and if you're not able to fill your own gaps (so to speak!) you're almost certainly going to get hurt.

Likewise the fact you worry that no other man could ever be as good as him. Rationally, you must realise that's not true - anyone you might consider dating, including him, will be a good match in some ways and not others. You won't ever meet anyone who's exactly like him because that's just not how people work, but it shouldn't feel impossible to imagine someone who's better in some ways and not as good in others. Thinking every other man in the world will necessarily be second best does suggest you're idealising him a lot and possibly overlooking some flaws, as much as you say you're already aware that you wouldn't be good as a couple.

I think a good test might be, how would you feel if you found out he was going to move a few hours away and so you'd be seeing a lot less of each other? In a healthy friendship you'd probably be sad, but most likely not losing sleep over it or anything. If you find the thought unbearable then that's a sign you're quite dependent and might need to back off a bit for your own sake.

@EthicalNonMahogany

I don't think he's quite as nice as you think he is.

Think what it's like in his shoes. What does it feel like hanging out with someone you know is in love with you but you don't love them. You see their sparkly eyes, their warm positive attention on you. And if you don't feel drawn to them, you start to feel... icky? Maybe even repulsed, because you feel sorry and a bit guilty that you can't return their feelings and you know it's not a "clean" relationship. You know you can't give what they need. You feel sad for them as you like them as a friend. You feel sad that the friendship can't stay the same and you know you have to withdraw a bit and be the grown up.

OR - you're a bit emotionally leaky and needy, and quite like basking in the glow of someone else's painful yearning; you're not mature enough to handle real dating and vulnerability and rejection yourself; and you don't really give a fuck about their feelings. In that case you hang around, being as interesting as possible. You look at the person who fancies you with soulful eyes and encourage intimacy. You tenderly give them your coat in the rain. And you lap it up.

Which is he, OP?

This x2. I’m a man, have been in this situation, and personally it made me feel uncomfortable and a bit sad and yes, a bit icky, and I certainly wouldn’t be buying chocolates, etc etc. Sounds a bit off tbh, best case scenario is that he is a genuinely oblivious person. Good luck.