What do you do if you want to leave but can’t afford to?

GrazingSheep · 12/02/2022 19:00

How far away are your family?

IfIHadAHeart · 12/02/2022 19:26

Why do you give him all of your money?

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/02/2022 19:28

For a start I'd stop giving him my money. And talk to Women's Aid because he's financially abusive.

Where is your family? Friends?

TwoAndAnOnion · 12/02/2022 19:30

H is not abusive to me, tbh he mostly just ignores me.

H wracked up a 2.5k credit card bill in my name and I’m also at the very brink of my overdraft

Yes he is abusive, emotionally abusive, financially abusive.

You will have student services at the university, use them. open your own bank accounts, control your own money.

Womens aid, Victim Support, Athena, Solace will all help you to leave him

AlDanvers · 12/02/2022 19:30

Speak to women's aid and formulate a plan. Stop giving him your money, if possible.

It took me 3 years to get into the position to be able to leave. But it was worth it.

ArtfulTodger · 12/02/2022 21:07

He sounds like an absolute tosser OP. Please leave. In your shoes I would be seeking help from the university ASAP. They should be able to guide you away from him.

Avarua · 12/02/2022 21:18

First step call student finance and ensure that next installment is directed into a bank account that is yours. Only yours.
Then call Student Services at University. Tell them you're in poverty. Tell them you need immediate support. A grant or scholarship or loan, and subsidy on childcare.
Stay at uni, don't leave when you have a baby. Do the practical and even if you fail at least you'll get student related income.
Sell your engagement ring?

Totopoly · 12/02/2022 21:22

I don't really get this. If he is a six-figure earner, why would he need to rack up a £2.5k debt on your credit card? (Unless he's playing mind games with you). And if he is genuinely such a high earner, this actually makes leaving him a whole lot easier than if he weren't, as he would have to support you, at least for the next few years while you complete your course and get yourself into a position where you could support yourself and your children. It is perfectly possible for you to leave him and for you to be ok financially, but you need to get legal advice rather than Mumsnet advice.

formalineadeline · 12/02/2022 21:23

Coercive control is abuse, so yes, he is abusive to you.

Start with Women's Aid.

Yuckypretty · 12/02/2022 21:24

He's clearly financially abusing you

Original poster

Sniped · 13/02/2022 09:37

@Totopoly he asked to use it for an international purchase m, I agreed thinking he would pay it off but he hasn’t. I’ve been scraping to make the minimum payment every month but it hasn’t made a dent in the money owed. He earns a lot but he fritters money away on silly things/hobbies etc. We live in a very expensive house (his want not mine) so tbh he’s not like walking around in designer gear if that makes sense. Will women’s aid be interested if he’s not outwardly abusive? I’d feel guilty taking the place from someone who really needs it. He’s not horrible to me, unless I am outspoken. He pretty much ignores me and comes and goes as he pleases. If I have to, I can live like this for the sake of a year or two until I qualify and then can work. I’m just sk bloody miserable. Hasn’t always been like this, only really since I went back to uni to retrain. It’s really ramped up during pregnancy with DC2 though.

My family are about an hour and a half away. I can’t stay with them though as there’s no space, also they live in very messy and chaotic conditions. At least here the DC have a clean house and there’s outwardly no shouting or anything. I hide my feelings from DD and just try to keep us busy. Thanks so much for all your responses. I know there’s not really any quick answer to my quesiton. I have to play the long game here.

OP posts:

Totopoly · 13/02/2022 09:55

@sniped International purchase sounds very dodgy. I'm assuming you are married, as you refer to him as H? If so, you are on much clearer and firmer ground than if he were just your partner.

Assuming you are married: why are you supposed to be the one to make the monthly payment for this credit card purchase? Marriage means that you throw in your financial lot with someone else. So it's also his debt, not just yours. If you divorced him, that debt would be regarded as a joint debt, and would be taken into account along with absolutely everything else that you/he own and owe.

You don't need to stay with your family if you leave him! Six figure salary makes him a high earner. I have no experience of Women's Aid, but I do have experience of divorce - and what you need is good legal advice as quickly as possible. You won't be able to make any decisions until you have this. My guess is that Women's Aid would also advise you to do this.

sairiegamp · 13/02/2022 10:09

Are you married? Speak to a lawyer if you are.

RandomMess · 13/02/2022 10:58

You speak to a refuge.

He is financially abusive to you deliberately so you can't leave.

formalineadeline · 13/02/2022 13:41

Will women’s aid be interested if he’s not outwardly abusive?

He is outwardly abusive. I understand you are finding that difficult to wrap your head around, but this is outright abuse. Physical acts of violence and name calling are not what abuse is, they're just parts of it sometime.

What he is doing to you - this form of abuse, coercive control - is a specific criminal offence. That's how serious it is.

Women's Aid or any other organisation helping you is because you need that help and the entire reason they exist is to provide that help. They are not going to take help away from anyone else to help you - please don't think of it like that.

If you are worried about how to start a conversation with Women's Aid or explain this whole big picture, you could tell them "I need help because I'm suffering coercive control and I want to leave". That will make it easier for them to understand and ask the right questions / share the right information.

I really think you would benefit from doing the Freedom Programme to help you wrap your head around how significant this all is. That will also then help you in accessing the right support and being able to explain what's been going on.

It helped me find my way out when I was still feeling "oh it's not that bad, I don't think this counts as abuse, I shouldn't waste people's time" (it was abuse, and people helped me).

gogohm · 13/02/2022 13:45

My advice, stop giving him money, instead pay off the credit card, ask him for an allowance for the kids stuff if you don't have a joint account and bide your time. He assertive, it might be what's needed. Tell him unless things change you will leave

Loocheeyar · 13/02/2022 16:37

Call your local council
Lodge a homelessness application which says you will be homeless within six weeks
They will contact you and put you in touch with agencies who can help and support you this is domestic financial abuse
Set up a separate account start putting in £5 £10 etc whatever you can get from him
Copy paperwork
Stash bits of things at friends
Do a universal credit application also and housing benefits day you are now financially separate

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 13/02/2022 17:10

I know nothing about claiming benefits, but I do know about divorce. We're talking about a case here where the OP's husband apparently earns a six-figure salary. Despite knowing very little about it, I would think this would mean she is ineligible for benefits. If she is seriously thinking of leaving this man (and he sounds like a knob), then any lawyer would advise her not to leave the family home (albeit rented). If she leaves, this has the potential to be used against her by his solicitor: she can, he would argue, survive perfectly well without any input from him. It's really important for her DD and her as yet unborn child that she stays exactly where she is, while she consults a lawyer. Her physical safety doesn't appear to be at risk, and neither does that of her DD. While separation is almost certainly a good idea, upping sticks and leaving isn't the best way to do it in this case.

OP: you ask what you should do. The answer is that you should decide what is best for you and your children. Would it be possible to change things for the better, or is this the end of the line? Is there any way in which he could improve things? Or have you reached the point where you no longer want to be married to him?

If the latter, be very clear that you are going nowhere until you have sorted out finances. Assuming you are married, as you call him your (D)H, you would likely be awarded at least half of everything as you have a child and are pregnant. This might end up not being a huge amount, but he would have to pay CM for many years to come, and spousal support for at least a few years. Goodness only knows why his parents are also living with you, but they will also have to put up with it. Adopt the 'grey rock' technique for dealing with them, and with him.

If you're not married, this will be a lot more difficult, so I hope you are.

But get legal advice above all else, and don't move unless you are physically unsafe.

Original poster

Sniped · 13/02/2022 19:49

Thanks for all your wonderful supportive messages, it really helps. We are married, I can see now how financially that’s a good thing! However pp is right, due to his high salary I would not be entitled to any benefits/help unless I have left him. I already looked into it and as long as I live with him I’d need to supply his details to support the application. I unfortunately can’t just not give him my bursary money or student finance as it goes straight Into our joint account. My last student finance payment in jan was promptly withdrawn by him and put into stocks ..although everytime I ask when he’s taking it out he doesn’t give me an answer. He knows exactly what I get and when I get it. And before you ask - no his money does not go into the joint account. I realise what an idiot I sound here. It’s weird because whenever I bring up money, he says he’s keeping it safe from me! I don’t spend money on anything unless it’s for DD. I don’t get my hair cut, don’t buy makeup, god knows when I last got clothes! Not sure what it is exactly the money needs protecting from. I think I need to realistically stay until I at least finish my degree and then I will be working (job guaranteed at the end) and then I can make plans to leave.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 13/02/2022 19:52

Today open your own individual account so child benefit and student finance can go to that.

If you go to a refuge you will need it anyway.

Does the joint account have an overdraft facility or do you have a joint credit card?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/02/2022 19:58

"I think I need to realistically stay until I at least finish my degree and then I will be working (job guaranteed at the end) and then I can make plans to leave"

You have one more year of your degree course to go and by which time you will also have two children to take care of. I am only surprised that he has not as yet seemingly tried to sabotage your attempts to actually finish this. He will certainly attempt to sabotage any and all attempts for you to enter the workplace; he does not want you working.

The other problem re the above scenario is that this just gives him more opportunity and time to abuse you and in turn your children. Leaving takes time to put in place anyway so you may as well start now by getting legal advice and further explaining that you are being coercively controlled and financially abused. Coercive control is a crime.

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 13/02/2022 20:18

@Sniped

Thanks for all your wonderful supportive messages, it really helps. We are married, I can see now how financially that’s a good thing! However pp is right, due to his high salary I would not be entitled to any benefits/help unless I have left him. I already looked into it and as long as I live with him I’d need to supply his details to support the application. I unfortunately can’t just not give him my bursary money or student finance as it goes straight Into our joint account. My last student finance payment in jan was promptly withdrawn by him and put into stocks ..although everytime I ask when he’s taking it out he doesn’t give me an answer. He knows exactly what I get and when I get it. And before you ask - no his money does not go into the joint account. I realise what an idiot I sound here. It’s weird because whenever I bring up money, he says he’s keeping it safe from me! I don’t spend money on anything unless it’s for DD. I don’t get my hair cut, don’t buy makeup, god knows when I last got clothes! Not sure what it is exactly the money needs protecting from. I think I need to realistically stay until I at least finish my degree and then I will be working (job guaranteed at the end) and then I can make plans to leave.

OP, thank God you are married.

I don't think - though may be wrong - that you would be entitled to benefits either way. But in a way, that doesn't matter, as you are already covered in law.

Don't worry about continuing to have your student finance paid into your joint account. If he has invested it, you will have your share of this, along with everything else, if you split up. It may have done you a favour.

You're not an idiot for not ensuring that his money goes into your joint account. In the event of a separation, it won't matter where it's gone. It will be regarded as joint money.

Be aware that the law will not be interested in whether he has been financially abusive, or anything else. The law is based on the best interests of your children. If you our your husband had committed every crime under the sun, this would be the same. The children come before everything else, and the expectation is that they should continue to live their lives as undisturbed as possible, in a horrible and disturbing situation.

You don't even need to stay until you finish your degree, though if that is what you would rather do, that is absolutely your choice. But be assured that you do not need to worry about money.

Again: thank God you are married.

RandomMess · 13/02/2022 20:30

If you leave an abusive relationship and rent you are entitled to claim benefits even though you legally own a share of marital assets.

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 13/02/2022 20:41

@RandomMess

If you leave an abusive relationship and rent you are entitled to claim benefits even though you legally own a share of marital assets.

There is no clearly demonstrable evidence.

OP, get legal advice, asap.

AnotherEmma · 13/02/2022 20:50

This is financial abuse, clear and simple.

Do you have an individual bank account in your own name, OP? If not, you need to open one ASAP. Then get your student bursary and loan, and your child benefit paid into your own account instead of the joint one.

Make sure he does not have access to your individual bank account, credit card(s), anything. Do not put any money into the joint accounts.

It's appalling that he is on a 6 figure salary and he is basically stealing money from you, depriving you and his child

I hope you will follow the advice on this thread and contact Women's Aid.

Some links that should be useful

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/family-law-legal-aid/

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/