What do you do if you want to leave but can’t afford to?

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Have 1 DD and am heavily pregnant with DC2. I have no income as in university. We live in London where rent is very expensive and social housing is none existent.

I do everything. H earns six figures and I also give him all of my student finance and bursary money. I do everything in the house and all childcare although H works very low hours. He spends a lot of time on his own hobbies and Interests whereas I get to do nothing. Worse still his parents live with us and they treat me like absolute crap.

I’m one year off finishing however have to take a year off as my course is mostly practical based. H pushed for dc2. I’m so fed up, in agony from PGP and just wish I could walk out with dd. With what little money I have I use to buy stuff for dd and for the baby. How do I do this? How do I get away? No family nearby, H wracked up a 2.5k credit card bill in my name and I’m also at the very brink of my overdraft. I promise this isn’t a begging thread! I just really need to know if it’s possible to do. I have my last bursary payment coming next month which is 2.3k. Apart from that I have no money for a deposit or anything.

H is not abusive to me, tbh he mostly just ignores me.

If and when you manage to leave him, you will be entitled to Universal Credit, child maintenance from him, and a fair share of the marital assets (ie all the money he has been saving and investing) - but you will need good legal advice and representation for the latter.

I don't really have anything to add that others have not already said but you are most definitely in an abusive relationship. He is using coercive control to keep you penniless and unable to go anywhere and do anything without him. You don't mention friends so has he made it difficult for you to maintain or create external friendships? Both of these are classic coercive control. Was the push for DC2 shortly after you went to uni? Again classic coercive control. Was it about another child or about placing more limitations on you. Ultimately, the main reason it hasn't escalated is possibly because you don't rock the boat keeping out of his way is not normal relationship behaviour. I know it's difficult to think of yourself as in an abusive relationship but you absolutely are. If you really then ask for more money. Refuse to pay your money into a joint account if he isn't paying his. Ask for a night off. If the thought of asking for these things fills you with dread, you are in a coercive control relationship. I would say to get an idea of this watch maid on netflix. The main character refuses to go to a women's shelter because she says she isn't in an abusive relationship when everyone else can see she is.

You can claim benefits while living there Open your own bank account asap and do a uc claim
I’ve literally just been through this scenario and am rehoused a year on

Remove your name off any household bills etc.

Ye should can claim as a single parent provided you live separately under the same roof. No cooking, shopping or laundry for him, sleep in a different room.

Get your ducks in a row as much as possible before either leaving or triggering a UC in your name and starting the divorce process.

Number one thing is your own bank account and getting child benefit paid into it.

The OP won't get child benefit if her husband has a six-figure salary, @RandomMess And she won't be able to claim it so long as they are married.

I think it's sometimes too easy for people to jump in with suggestions about Women's Aid and benefits and social housing. One thing that put me off leaving my husband was the idea of going from a big house and very prosperous existence to social housing and benefits (which is what I was advised to do by many people on MN). I was a SAHM so hadn't earned anything for a long time.

So while it can be very useful for people to know that benefits and other support are available, it can sometimes have the opposite effect and put people off leaving.

In the end, I did leave and still have never claimed a single penny in benefits, and we had a clean break divorce which meant I am not particularly prosperous but own my own (small) house and am solvent. Knowing that this is possible is sometimes a more encouraging prospect than the thought of a life on benefits. And there's no reason why something like this shouldn't be possible for the OP, if it's the case that her husband's earnings are so high.

@FOTTFSOFTFOASM yes the op can claim Child Benefit!!! You can also claim child benefit for your NI contributions and chose not to receive the money.

The other person earns over the threshold and the CB money is claimed then they have to complete a tax return and repay it.

The op is in a rented home, all their savings are tied up and she is being financially abused. He has her in debt she is in a different position to the one you were in by the sounds of it.

FOTTFSOFTFOASM

You clearly have a chip on your shoulder about claiming social security, but it is totally out of order to hijack a thread like you have here to deliberately give someone inaccurate advice in order to manipulate the outcome towards one you consider more acceptable than the free choice they might otherwise make.

Nevermind the way you have attempted to tell the op that people giving her accurate advice are wrong. Simply because you don't want her to go down that path not because what they've posted is wrong!

The op is a different person in different circumstances to you.

You made your choices that suited you, this op deserves the freedom and respect to have accurate and complete information so she can make her own choices - without you trying to control her by manipulating the information she has available.

@RandomMess

The op is in a rented home, all their savings are tied up and she is being financially abused. He has her in debt she is in a different position to the one you were in by the sounds of it.

Yes, she possibly is. However, her debt is also his debt as they are married, and he's a dick if he doesn't realise this. I still think it's really important for her not to leave the family home (albeit rented - I don't think that matters). And, again, what she absolutely needs is proper legal advice asap if she is going to leave.

I didn't realise about receiving Child Benefit and then repaying it, as we were always just below the threshold, so am glad to be corrected.

Remember she is living with 3 adults that are unkind to her not just her H.

Very different indeed.

Think it will be very unpleasant when she tries to end the relationship.

@formalineadeline

FOTTFSOFTFOASM

You clearly have a chip on your shoulder about claiming social security, but it is totally out of order to hijack a thread like you have here to deliberately give someone inaccurate advice in order to manipulate the outcome towards one you consider more acceptable than the free choice they might otherwise make.

Nevermind the way you have attempted to tell the op that people giving her accurate advice are wrong. Simply because you don't want her to go down that path not because what they've posted is wrong!

The op is a different person in different circumstances to you.

You made your choices that suited you, this op deserves the freedom and respect to have accurate and complete information so she can make her own choices - without you trying to control her by manipulating the information she has available.

I couldn't say whether or not I have a chip on my shoulder about benefits. However, I don't think it's out of order to offer the OP an additional perspective. None of us knows her or how she feels. I just know that I was given advice that scared me into not doing anything when I was married. As a result, I stayed married to an abuser for longer than I needed to. That was merely my point.

The only factually wrong advice I have given, I think, was regarding Child Benefit, and I have acknowledged the PP who politely pointed it out.

It's a bit odd that you would imagine that I would "want" the OP to go down any particular path. What I would want for any woman in an abusive relationship would be what any sane person would want: namely for them to find a way to leave. However, there is more than one way to achieve this end, and I was simply offering a different perspective on how it can be done. Everybody telling the OP that there is only one solution is not giving her the freedom to make her own choices. It's trying to railroad her into a 'one size fits all' escape route, and I don't believe it's helpful.

And yes, the op can claim child benefit.

Open your own bank account now! Get your next bursary paid into there

There is a charity called Surviving Economic Abuse which has financial experts who know how to specifically look at the legal side of financial abuse

Also don't know if you rent through an estate agent but many of them are better at abuse now and giving advice in how to deal with contract etc

There is definitely help out there - whether you go to student services, a bank, charities, legal advice etc, training and support is so much better than it used to be

But you have to be willing to tell someone and call it out for what is is. He is racking up debt in your name (why didn't he put the credit card in his name), he is using money to keep you where you are. Any income you do have is being taken away from you

I would stay put, phone some local solicitors, phone some charities, open a bank account. You could tell your midwife too? You don't to leave straight away but once you start to tell me confidentially you will get advice but also it will start to feel real that a future can exist without him

Gather as much evidence as you can about your financial situation. Bank account numbers, investments, evidence of any overseas assets/property - take photos and hide them on your phone. Is the house owned or rented? If owned how much equity/mortgage?

If the house is worth more than a million and/or his salary is over £150k you can get a free session here: vardags.com/services/domestic-abuse

You own half (at least) of everything but the only way to achieve this is to fight him and the fight will be tough (because he is an abuser). But with very good lawyers on your side you can achieve this. Keep it all a secret, smile and play dumb until you are ready to make your move, that's how you stay safe. Just keep the end goal in mind, your new home with your children and new career and your life back again. Good luck.

Not sure if I should start a new thread or not so will see if I get any responses. I actually started to make plans to move. Contacted houses, found out what I would be entitled to etc and then sat down with DH and told him I wanted to separate. He’s now trying quite hard (although with periods of being quite horrible too I must admit) and has even asked his parents to move out. He has specifically told them I want them gone. The environment is incredibly hostile at the moment and I’m literally about to give birth and had planned a home birth but now thinking I should just go into hospital. I feel now because he’s told them to leave I’m trapped even more.

I would definitely go into hospital. There are people there who will help you too, talk to your midwife, just say you were going to have the baby at home but it's not nice / safe / you don't want to be alone with your H.
But, like everyone has said from the very beginning, SEE A SOLICITOR RIGHT AWAY. Before baby comes. Phone one today, if he works long hours. You need outside help, and he is preventing this. Good luck. You can still choose to stay after advice, but BE INFORMED, for your children's sake.

Hugs

Absolutely go into hospital and please tell your midwives what is going on.

“ He’s not horrible to me, unless I am outspoken”

You say he’s not abusive but this shows he is.
Abusers often only show aggression when they don’t get what they want.
If you quietly toe the line, he has no reason to be shouty or aggressive.
Meanwhile, he quietly and subtly abuses you emotionally and financially.

This happened to me OP.
He only got verbally abusive and nasty when I called him out on his behaviour/ questioned and challenged him.
He’s my ex now.

Yes he’s abusing you.It doesn’t have to be physical or even verbal.
Call women’s Aid today and don’t give him your next bursary. You’ll need it for yourself and DC.

You say you want to leave him but you’ll best to do some prep work first:
Can you find out( without him knowing) about his earnings(payslips), savings, investments and pension ?
The credit card statement showing where the money was spent.
Get copies if you can.
If you divorce him you should get at least half.
He may be hiding money while running up debts in your name.

Be aware that abusers often threaten to go for custody of the dc if threatened with divorce.
It’s a common ploy to stop you from leaving.

Good luck op