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Original poster

Red flags with fiancé

43 replies

womanx · 12/02/2022 11:58

How long into your relationship did you start seeing red flags I have seen more and more as the years go by am I being paranoid or am I in a toxic relationship

OP posts:
TheresNothingIWantMore · 12/02/2022 11:59

I'm not sure if it matters when you see them. Could be 5 minutes into the 1st date, could be after years of living together.

Either way it's time to get out

MrMrsJones · 12/02/2022 12:00

What sort of flags are you seeing

piglet81 · 12/02/2022 12:01

Doesn’t sound good OP. There are decent red-flag-free men out there, and being single is infinitely better than being in a bad relationship. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
womanx · 12/02/2022 12:01

@TheresNothingIWantMore

I'm not sure if it matters when you see them. Could be 5 minutes into the 1st date, could be after years of living together.

Either way it's time to get out

Thank you am 24 so I need advice from other people
OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 12/02/2022 12:02

What does he do or say that's a red flag?

Original poster
womanx · 12/02/2022 12:02

@MrMrsJones

What sort of flags are you seeing
Just small things like am in the wrong mostly and he's in the right
OP posts:
Original poster
womanx · 12/02/2022 12:03

@piglet81

Doesn’t sound good OP. There are decent red-flag-free men out there, and being single is infinitely better than being in a bad relationship. Good luck Flowers
Thank you so much
OP posts:
Gardeningcreature · 12/02/2022 12:04

Why are you in the wrong?
Life is too short op sounds like you need to dump him.

EvilPea · 12/02/2022 12:05

Someone should boost you, make you want to feel you could achieve the world. Make you fly.
If they don’t do that get rid.
Life is (hopefully!) long. Don’t saddle yourself with a loser who doesn’t value you, your opinion. It’s not what you deserve.

Original poster
womanx · 12/02/2022 12:06

@Gardeningcreature

Why are you in the wrong? Life is too short op sounds like you need to dump him.
Some of the flags am having remind me off when I was with my ex who let's say I escaped from
OP posts:
UserBot9to5 · 12/02/2022 12:08

Hi OP

I think some of the harder to spot red flags include a man who tells you what you really think and then argues with you over it. He tells you what your true motivation for doing x, y or z was and disagrees with you that you know better than anybody why you did what you did. No, he knows better than you do Confused
Do you feel like you're up in the dock defending yourself often when you also know you haven't done anything.

Do you feel like you're careful around him all the time?
Do you feel like you're always hoping he won't take something the wrong way?
Do you feel like you're hoping he won't make a big deal out of small things?

Is there only one perspective; his . Is your perspective a sign of your idiocy/madness/insubordination?

UserBot9to5 · 12/02/2022 12:10

I think it's quite common for the next relationship after a narcissist to be with a differently packaged narcissist.
It happened to me. I was 44 so I had two decades on you and I still got ''caught''. My first narc bf was your classic lunatic but then I had a relationship with this man who was a sort of spiritually packaged narcissist. After abot 18 months I realised, he may have a gentler manner but all of my boundaries are still being ignored. He just had a different technique.

Original poster
womanx · 12/02/2022 12:11

@UserBot9to5

Hi OP

I think some of the harder to spot red flags include a man who tells you what you really think and then argues with you over it. He tells you what your true motivation for doing x, y or z was and disagrees with you that you know better than anybody why you did what you did. No, he knows better than you do Confused
Do you feel like you're up in the dock defending yourself often when you also know you haven't done anything.

Do you feel like you're careful around him all the time?
Do you feel like you're always hoping he won't take something the wrong way?
Do you feel like you're hoping he won't make a big deal out of small things?

Is there only one perspective; his . Is your perspective a sign of your idiocy/madness/insubordination?

That's how I feel all the time
OP posts:
Gardeningcreature · 12/02/2022 12:13

I’m sorry but if someone trys to tell me I am wrong then I rip them a new one to use a phrase often quoted.
My opinion is not wrong I can back it up with facts.
If it’s a case of ‘Which pub should we go to tonight?’ That’s different. Both of you have a right to a valid opinion though so if you suggest pub A and your oh says I prefer pub B then you both need to say why you prefer the one you do and maybe compromise and take turns to chose.
If it’s a case of “I will not sit next to a black woman in the pub” then that is different. You really don’t need to justify why the person saying that is a twat.

UserBot9to5 · 12/02/2022 12:13

Oh pet. a big hug from me. You're only 24 and even if it's hard to start again, you need to save yourself from a minute more of feeling like this.

You do not deserve to be the trash can for this man's low self-esteem.

You deserve better. You will find better.

It's going to be really hard though. Breaking off an engagement is not easy.

Have you family or friends who you could fall back on right now?

Do you live with him?

Let's talk practicalities. [love] + [strength] to you right now. It's so hard. been there. I was older than you but it was still very hard.

MintJulia · 12/02/2022 12:14

Then you know what you need to do.

At 24 you should be looking forward to each day, not worrying about how your significant other will react.

Leave, don't let him take the shine off your 20s. xx

FlowerArranger · 12/02/2022 12:15

If you have to ask, it's time to go Flowers

fourquenelles · 12/02/2022 12:18

That's how I feel all the time You are 24 with your whole life in front of you. Please don't tie yourself into this relationship. Breakj it off. I am going to shout n ow because the next bit is really important :

HE DOES NOT HAVE TO AGREE
HE DOES NOT HAVE TO UNDERSTAND
THE SCALES WILL NOT DROP FROM HIS EYES
HE CANNOT MAKE YOU STAY

Good luck

UserBot9to5 · 12/02/2022 12:19

I think when you break it off with a man like this you need to do it in short sentences that cannot be argued with.

If you start referring back to specific incidents where he made you feel like shit, then he will argue back and twist everything and make the focus some obscure thing you did that was WRONG and somehow robs you of your right to have a reaction to what he did!!

Been there, done that.

I learnt only after I tried to earn my x's approval to end our relationship that that was pointless.

I should have said

I am not happy.
I do not love you.

I want to be single.

This isn't working for me.

Original poster
womanx · 12/02/2022 12:21

@UserBot9to5

I think when you break it off with a man like this you need to do it in short sentences that cannot be argued with.

If you start referring back to specific incidents where he made you feel like shit, then he will argue back and twist everything and make the focus some obscure thing you did that was WRONG and somehow robs you of your right to have a reaction to what he did!!

Been there, done that.

I learnt only after I tried to earn my x's approval to end our relationship that that was pointless.

I should have said

I am not happy.
I do not love you.

I want to be single.

This isn't working for me.

I feel like am drowning and the last time I felt like this I was in an abusive relationship
OP posts:
UserBot9to5 · 12/02/2022 12:23

@fourquenelles

That's how I feel all the time You are 24 with your whole life in front of you. Please don't tie yourself into this relationship. Breakj it off. I am going to shout n ow because the next bit is really important :

HE DOES NOT HAVE TO AGREE
HE DOES NOT HAVE TO UNDERSTAND
THE SCALES WILL NOT DROP FROM HIS EYES
HE CANNOT MAKE YOU STAY

Good luck

Yes, this absolutely.

Your life is not a sacrifice to his.

He does not have to approve your decision to end this engagement.

I struggled with this concept. I spent years trying to get him to AGREE with my interpretation of why the relationship had to end.

Obviously he was never going to do that.

UserBot9to5 · 12/02/2022 12:26

It's ok to acknowledge that you've made a mistake, you were vulnerable to this happening.

So long as you get out. x

notthatonethisone · 12/02/2022 12:30

First of. Well done

You can see it. You have recognised what is happening

Don't take this as patronising but at 24 you're young! You have your whole life ahead of you.

Don't spend it treading on egg shells. Be happy. And find someone who makes you happy.

You are stronger than you think. Totally agree with PP. don't get sucked in to whether he agrees. What he thinks. Youre allowed to make this decision. He doesn't have to agree. That's not your problem. Thanks

Original poster
womanx · 12/02/2022 12:42

@notthatonethisone

First of. Well done

You can see it. You have recognised what is happening

Don't take this as patronising but at 24 you're young! You have your whole life ahead of you.

Don't spend it treading on egg shells. Be happy. And find someone who makes you happy.

You are stronger than you think. Totally agree with PP. don't get sucked in to whether he agrees. What he thinks. Youre allowed to make this decision. He doesn't have to agree. That's not your problem. Thanks

He's always casting up things he does in the house like cleaning a dish he's like I do everything around here then when I do it I don't say anything and when I don't want to do a dish or cook he's like are I do everything your lazy
OP posts:
UserBot9to5 · 12/02/2022 12:45

you don't need to get all caught up in a 'court case' in your head.

I can see you're doing that with examples of how to cook.

All you need to do is accept that you do not need his approval. Generally. Or specifically.

You can leave. He won't like it. But you can still do it.

Do you have somewhere to go?