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Original poster

Male friend telling dates about me. Weird?

27 replies

Musinglife11 · 12/02/2022 10:45

So my close male friend is single, so am I. We dated a few years back and ended well. We became close friends.

Both dated others and no issues. I have growing suspicions that he started to flirt with me a while back. I wasn’t too sure how I felt so acted as normal.

I then developed feelings as he started dating again. Not said anything and think it’s more losing our single life bond. He was telling about his first date last night. And then said this:

I told her about you and said I have a close female friend. She is a really good mate and if you have issues with that then we can’t go on another date. I am not going to dump her for a relationship.

I told him is was weird to say that. He said no as you are a good friend and I want any potential date to know I have a female best friend. Said he would never date anyone who had issues with us being friends.

Is this odd to admit he talked about me on a first date? I am definitely being put in the friends box!

OP posts:
crochetmonkey74 · 12/02/2022 10:47

I think you need to have a chat as maybe you both still have feelings?

Original poster
Musinglife11 · 12/02/2022 10:52

@crochetmonkey74 not sure I do. Need to process if it’s him or potential of losing my only single friend as we did loads together.

But why bring me up

OP posts:
ABitOfAShitShow · 12/02/2022 10:58

I think there are two things going on here but I’ll just stick to the bit about telling people about you.

No, I don’t think this is weird. A lot of people get quite funny about their other half being friends with members of the opposite sex. He’s trying to avoid that becoming an issue at a later date by making it clear upfront - and, at the same time, establishing how important it is to him. It’s very sweet actually.

The other thing you’ll have to figure out for yourself as nobody knows how you feel but you. 🙂

thirdfiddle · 12/02/2022 11:03

Given how some people here are about men and women being friends it's probably wise to check up front rather than have date being horrified at discovering the friendship a few dates down the line.

shaneTwane · 12/02/2022 11:03

I think it's weird as fuck. If I was on a date and he was talking about his best friend who happens to be female that's fine but if he started issuing me ultimatums essentially on a first date: accept my female bestie or I won't see you again then nah fuck that I would run for the hills.

Susu49 · 12/02/2022 11:08

I agree not weird to have close friends of the opposite sex and not want it to be an issue in a new relationship...But...If I were his date I would take away from what he said that there's more to the friendship than he has declared. That the friendship is intense enough to make me uncomfortable, that previous women have felt uncomfortable and that he would always put you first and not me.

So I would walk away on that basis.

Original poster
Musinglife11 · 12/02/2022 11:09

@ABitOfAShitShow I know I have to figure it out. Just got upset when he said he went on a date. I knew he had as he always goes silent on me in texts. He tells me the next day. It’s stupid as he can do what he wants.

I have no issues with partners having opposite sex friends. Just found it odd he told me this. Not too sure I am reading too much into it.

He then said he will not chase anymore due to heartbreak and just horribleness in last relationship. Said he would never confess feelings unless really sure.

OP posts:
crochetmonkey74 · 12/02/2022 12:14

If a guy said this to me on a first date I would assume there were feelings there, and it would be a red flag. True friends dont bother you enough to mention. You need to work out what you feel as the fact it bothered you that he mentioned it and you are puzzling on it suggests theres an issue. Could it be as simple as saying "what did you tell her that for? Nothings going to happen between us but it might put her off" and then see how he reacts

ABitOfAShitShow · 12/02/2022 12:31

[quote Musinglife11]@ABitOfAShitShow I know I have to figure it out. Just got upset when he said he went on a date. I knew he had as he always goes silent on me in texts. He tells me the next day. It’s stupid as he can do what he wants.

I have no issues with partners having opposite sex friends. Just found it odd he told me this. Not too sure I am reading too much into it.

He then said he will not chase anymore due to heartbreak and just horribleness in last relationship. Said he would never confess feelings unless really sure.[/quote]
I don’t think you’re understanding what I said. I was just making it clear that I was only addressing the question about him telling people about you. And the answer is that it’s not weird or indicative of anything other than him wanting to make it clear from the onset that you’re in his life - so that potential partners can’t say anything further down the line about him having a female friend. The fact he told you doesn’t seem like anything either - though we’ll never know on the other end of mumsnet whether he has an ulterior motive.

crochetmonkey74 · 12/02/2022 13:00

Also consider what you want him to say, do you want him to have feelings for you? Or would that fill you with horror? If youd feel good about it, that might be your answer

Original poster
Musinglife11 · 12/02/2022 13:07

@crochetmonkey74 I did say it was odd. He was saying they were talking about friends and I popped up in conversation. Not sure if he was reassuring me our friendship would always be there as I am female. Or just talking about me.

He dmsais it wasn’t odd as talking about friends and I am his good friend that he wouldn’t dump me for

OP posts:
Original poster
Musinglife11 · 12/02/2022 13:12

@Susu49 yeah I see your point. We did date a few years back and he told me about a close friend. A year after we finished he dated her. We met a few times and she was always off with me. One reason they broke up is she was horrible to me. He said it was an indication of her character that she couldn’t accept me

OP posts:
gingerhills · 12/02/2022 13:22

@crochetmonkey74

If a guy said this to me on a first date I would assume there were feelings there, and it would be a red flag. True friends dont bother you enough to mention. You need to work out what you feel as the fact it bothered you that he mentioned it and you are puzzling on it suggests theres an issue. Could it be as simple as saying "what did you tell her that for? Nothings going to happen between us but it might put her off" and then see how he reacts
I'd be very put off by a man who said that on a first date. Not because he has a close female friend but because he is unnecessarily laying down the law. What else would he declare I had to put up with if I wanted the good fortune of being his date again? Hmm

He has an immature attitude towards his date, by assuming she might have a problem with it. Why not get to know her and find out?

crochetmonkey74 · 12/02/2022 13:30

Ooh sorry I missed the odd bit.
I now see what you mean, you think it's a bit controlling of him to say that when you are only friends? Or a bit propertorial over you?

crochetmonkey74 · 12/02/2022 13:33

Either way, I think this is a bit too much drama for a person who is just genuinely a best mate, so maybe there are red flags
I have a really close Male friend and this has never come up between us, single or dating

LeifSan · 12/02/2022 13:59

I’d also be a bit Hmm at a guy who said this to me on a first date. I’d think it was odd and that the friendship was boundary crossing and that he was letting me know early on there would be three people in the relationship.

I think OP you need to have an honest chat with him as it seems to me you both have feelings for each other that go beyond friendship.

Chestofdraws · 12/02/2022 14:02

I think he has recognised how you feel and was trying to make you feel important and not pushed out. I don’t think anything further behind it. He was just trying to make sure you felt comfortable. It’s even possible he said no such thing.

TopCatsTopHat · 12/02/2022 14:09

Sounds like need just being clear to me. If I was on a date with him it would read to me that he'd like to see me again so needs to tell me sonething that some people find a problem. If he was declaring it awkwardly in a conversation that was about nothing connected when it had no relevance that would be odd but towards the end of the date, coupled with a 'I'd like to see you again but you need to know xyz' my reply would be 'fine, I have male friends and don't want to be with someone jealous eithet'

Teeturtle · 12/02/2022 14:13

@shaneTwane

I think it's weird as fuck. If I was on a date and he was talking about his best friend who happens to be female that's fine but if he started issuing me ultimatums essentially on a first date: accept my female bestie or I won't see you again then nah fuck that I would run for the hills.
Agree with this. He is going to be putting off a fair few women he dates I would imagine.
supercali77 · 12/02/2022 14:14

I personally think any man who keeps women 'friends' and then later goes on to date them and remain friends after dating and makes it very clear he has these friends and they aren't going anywhere is actually building a bit of a harem of back ups. There's absolutely no reason to be so adamant about his opposite sex friends to someone he doesnt know on a first date. If it were me sat across from him I'd be leaving after the next drink.

Original poster
Musinglife11 · 12/02/2022 14:53

@Chestofdraws how I feel as in more than friends? If so I take it he is putting me in the friendship box only!

OP posts:
crochetmonkey74 · 12/02/2022 15:18

OP how do you feel about him ?
That's the most important thing really rather than worrying about why he does what he does.
You say you have feelings for him , so why not just ask him to reconcile? Then you will have a clear answer. Any bloke requiring this much speculation about motive is really not worth it

Original poster
Musinglife11 · 12/02/2022 15:33

@crochetmonkey74 I don’t know. They appeared as soon as he says he was dating. Then hit with I told a potential date about how you are my friend and will always be in my life.

OP posts:
LucieLemon · 12/02/2022 15:46

Your OP reads as if you interpret him mentioning you to his date straight up front, as his closest friend, is him firmly putting you in the friendship category. I really would be guessing if I tried to say one way or another if this was his intention.

The more interesting question is how do you feel about him marking you out as a friend? You sound like you might be a little disappointed? If so, this could get a little messy and you could be setting yourself up for a lot of potential upset by keeping quiet and being on the sidelines while he's dating. Best to speak to him about your true feelings and see if he's in the same place. Conversely, if you do want to keep things on a friendship level, I would probably advise him that he doesn't need to make such of a big deal about your friendship on a first date. He's setting a bit of an intense weird tone that isn't really necessary.

The criticism man/woman best friends overwhelmingly face is that surely it can't be just platonic. Unfortunately, the scenario you describe only adds fuel to that fire. It sounds as though there are heavier feelings at play than in a purely platonic friendship.

crochetmonkey74 · 12/02/2022 16:08

He's setting a bit of an intense weird tone that isn't really necessary
This in spades

Just talk to him

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