why is my dh so selfish and arrogant

[lizandlulu]

he is really really peeing me off just lately.
we have had arrangements to go and see some friends who live in essex at the weekend. we are planning to go on friday night, go into london saturday, then he is going out with his mate on sunday and i am staying in with my mate.
he knows we have had this planned for ages. mum is having our dd, and the couple we are going to see are both our friends, not just my friend or his friend, iyswim.
he has now said that he is not going as it is another one of his friends birthday parties.
this other friend is really unreliable. he is only young, and he has let us down quite a few times. (we have the same hobbies and have agreed to give him lifts and waited for him, not to show up)
now i like this lad, but would much rather spend the weekend as arranged
my dh says i can go on my own, which i wouldnt mind, but the bloke we are staying with is counting on dh coming to go out with him on the sunday. if dh doesnt go he will be left in the lurch.
i have told dh he is upsetting me by being so selfish, but he just doesnt seem to care.
these days he has this attitude of 'i can go where i want and you can either come or not'
i told him if he is not going to go he can at least let our friends know he is not going, but i know he hasnt, or wont, so it will be left to me, and i will look like a right tw*t.
i am sitting here seething, as he has now gone out with my cousin, leaving me and dd here. another case of 'this is what im doing. like it or lump it'
i dont really expect any advice or anything, just soothing words please

Selfish twat. Have you tried Relate?

no nothing like that. in february he was diagnosed with depression and put on tablets, so i try not to upset him as much as i can.
but he ends up taking the piss.
sometimes i think he is not depressed, he is just a miserable git who like to get his own way.

What is your hobby?

we go banger racing. is it someting we both enjoy as i used to race myself before having dd and dh now races. so we have friends all over the country

He is being a pig!

i know!!
he tells me over and over that he loves me nad doesnt want to fall out, but still acts the same.
i keep telling him its his actions i need to see, not just the words

Good Luck. Tbh I would go away for the weekend still without him. Go out on the Sun with your friend, then her dh won't feel in the way.

oh i will def go weather if is with him or not. its just my mates dh was counting on my dh going, as they had palnned to go to the racing together. if my dh doesnt go he will have to go on his own. my mates dh is more involved in the racing, he makes most of his living from it, so he will have to either go on his own or get someone else last minuite

suggest you tell your mates asap that he's not going so he can get a replacement for the racing.

there are a few books around about living with people who have depression.

my h was an extreme case and has been dicking around for over 2 years now. whenever he gets flakey he bleats about how "hard" his life is. he has it easy believe me!

anyways, i've posted on MN about depression and had advice from people who have suffered themselves. essentially it would seem that selfishness is a major factor however that doesn't excuse rudeness.

for him to cancel on your mates this weekend is basically rude.

my h definately hides behind his depression and i have enabled it by being kind and understanding and forever reasonable in the face of his constantly letting me and dd down and indulging himself.

if i had my time over, i'd have taken a harder line on my h from the outset. you can be sympathetic to his depression but that doesn't give him carte blanche to do what he wants, when he wants.

good luck, hope you have a great weekend either way.

i would phone the number while he is near me and make him tell them that he's not coming and why. selfish bugger. hope you go and have a fab weekend regardless of what he does!!!!!!!!!!

Go enjoy a nice weekend but canel the childcare he can look after DD if he does not want to go away!!

canel = cancel!!

like it coolkat!!!!!!! i agree with you!!!!!

his behaviour is unnaceptable. You poor thing. tell him he is a tw*t then feed him some laxatives before you go to your friends so he spends the weekend with diarrhea1

What will he expect you to do??

does he think you'l stay because of his turnaround or is it in your nature to carry on without him?

i usually carry on without him. and usually in a sulk! but there are other peoples plans involved here.
i have told him i will go without him, but would prefer him to go.
i just dont want the job of letting our mate know he isnt coming.
he is a jekyl and hyde kind of person, smiley, happy and chatty to all and sundry, just his real self to me.

yup, i would phone the friend while dh is around and say 'dh has something to say to you' and hand him the phone.

he's not taking responsibility at the moment - i think you have to make him.

he would just refuse to speak to them. i have tried this type of thing before. he is extremely stubborn (as well as selfish and arrogant. arent i the lucky one!)

I would leave childcare as is so you can relax, call and tell friends he's changed his mind don't make excusses for him be honest he'll have to face them eventually

then i'd go but not sulkingly go happy let him see that your quite fine doing things on your own

but when you get back I'd have serious talk about where this relationship is going...

sorry to be glummy but it does'nt sound like there's much togetherness going on x

well i'd say, 'oh dh doesn't want to talk to you - not surprising really since he's decided to take up a better offer and not come on the weekend. i'm sorry he's acting like such a prick. i however, won't let you down.'

It's his responsibility to tell his mate, not yours, he should face the consequences of not letting his friend know, not you. If it means loosing his friendship that is his problem. Tell your friends even, but don't appologise for him, you are not his mother after all!

Doesn't he know it is very rude to accept a leter invitation over a former one. Ditching a commitment because a better offer has come up shows a lack of understanding or empathy for other people's feelings.

Sorry you are stuck in the middle of this! Glad you will still be going regardless.

Tell your DH that love is an action, not a feeling.

agree with what warthog said too. That's what you should say.

warthog- that sounds like a plan!
makemineadouble- i know that underneath it all we are solid, just going through a tricky patch. our domestic situation isnt perfect, but hopefully that will all come right soon. i live in hope!
i keep pressing him to make another appointment to see a councellor as i feel this would help him more than ad's. i think he know that, he is just scared.
i would even go with him, if that would help, but one thing at a time

you sound very hurt but your still in there trying hard to make things work out

I hope he realises sooner rather then later what a loyal friend he has or had in you

You go and enjoy the break Im sure time with pals will cheer you up

i hope so. i am very loyal to him. he doesnt realise how much he hurts me.
he is the kind of person who buys presents instead of being a kind person, and thinks it is ok.