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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Urgh I've gone against everything I said...

39 replies

trixey · 12/02/2022 08:41

But I was desperate.

Left exH due to emotion abuse, coercive control and many other things. Having therapy has helped me realise a lot and he is a narcissist.

I've been no contact with him for the last 2.5 weeks. I had to call the police due to harassment. They helped me put some boundaries in place that he must stick too.

No coming to my mums house (where I'm currently staying), we must meet with DS in a public place, no over night stays.

I failed on all this last night. I have 3 dcs - only 1 to him. And tested we all came down with the most horrendous sickness bug. I was especially bad. I I couldn't move from the bathroom floor, close to passing out. My mum was looking after other 2 dcs but my 3 year old DS just wanted me, he kept throwing up all over me and like I say I couldn't move off the floor. Honestly it was awful.

I had no choice but to call exH. He came to my mums, collected DS, used my car (as he doesn't have a car seat), left his here and took DS back to his for the night. He bought me some Coke with I desperately needed and my mum flattened it which helped so much. I'm not 100% this morning but I've stopped being sick.

ExH has been fab and I hate it. He is desperate for us to get back together and I've just let all my boundaries down. I didn't see him as I was in the bathroom.

DS is still with him now, obviously I've unblocked him from my phone and we've been speaking through the night regarding how DS is but also he's been very kind and nice to me.

I can't quite believe what's happened.

OP posts:

GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 12/02/2022 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Lifeslooser · 12/02/2022 08:49

Sounds brilliant, surly this is what you want? To be able to co parent, be nice to each other and both have time with your son.

I’d just leave it like this, just because his being nice doesn’t mean you have to get back together at all, in fact don’t do that as he sounds like a shit partner, but maybe he could be a great co parent?

As soon as he starts being a dick again but the barriers back up.

I’m nice and would be nice to you if you was sick, doesn’t mean you should fall in love with me does it.

AdamRyan · 12/02/2022 08:51

So, even though you split up there was a reason you were married and you really needed help last night.
He is your DS dad and so better DS went to him.
You are going to need to deal with the repercussions now but honestly, don't beat yourself up about this.

Newone2 · 12/02/2022 08:53

Hes being nice to you because hes working on your vulnerability. Being unwell can effect how you think and respond to things. He's being nice to win you back. Within a day of you being back there the abuse will start again.

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 12/02/2022 08:56

Are children’s services involved yet. If the police are and there are children it’s just a question of time.
How formal are those no contact measures?

In other words what have you been told not to do? This is extremely relevant to the outcome of this decision.

LetHimHaveIt · 12/02/2022 08:57

Flat coke does precisely eff all (and may be actively dangerous for children, so I hope you didn't give them any) so you didn't 'desperately' need it, and you needn't be so pathetically grateful.

Draw a line under this. Taking care of his own kids and bringing you a bottle of popular soft drink, doesn't magically make him a prince.

OneMoreTimeBaby · 12/02/2022 09:06

OP give yourself a break. You are not well. This is a moment in time. In a day or so when you're feeling better, and can think clearly, have a real proper think about why you're at your mum's. This "emergency" doesn't mean you need to go back to him.

SoItWas · 12/02/2022 09:22

"I had no choice but to call exH"

You know deep down, this isn't true. It was convenient to call your ex, but it wasn't nesseccary.

All you can do is think of it as a blip and move on, but this can't happen again, or it'll start to blur the boundaries you had the police set in place.

You were ill, and let your guard down, and it could confuse/distress him when you put it back up. Now you've given him an inch, he may try to take a mile, and if you have to have the police remove him for future harassment, it's likely he'll be saying, but it was okay to break the rules, when it suited her?

AlDanvers · 12/02/2022 09:41

What do you mean you can't quite believe it happened?

LetHimHaveIt · 12/02/2022 09:44

' . . . if you have to have the police remove him for future harassment, it's likely he'll be saying, but it was okay to break the rules, when it suited her?'

Absolutely. The number of women who seem to think Restraining Orders (for example) somehow exist at their discretion 🙄

Branleuse · 12/02/2022 09:45

You were ill. You did what you had to do. Im glad he came and got his kid.
Obviously it doesnt mean a jot in terms of him being a changed man, but he came and got his kid and brought you some drinks. Surely anyone would do the same?

GeneLovesJezebel · 12/02/2022 09:47

He wanted you to feel this way, you’ve let him in to control you again.

AdamRyan · 12/02/2022 09:55

Absolutely. The number of women who seem to think Restraining Orders (for example) somehow exist at their discretion 🙄

we don't know if she has one, I don't think she does from what she said
she didn't see him
he's the child's father so absolutely should be first port of call to look after him if mother can't

Itwasntmeright · 12/02/2022 09:59

Ok, it’s happened now. These were exceptional circumstances and it sounds like you needed the help, and the man is the child’s father after all. Now you’re better you need to resume what you were doing before. Treat it as the exception it was.

Just because he’s nice to you for five minutes, it doesn’t undo everything else, and it doesn’t mean he’s changed, and it definitely doesn’t mean you owe him anything. Just because he looked after his sick child for a night, that doesn’t mean you owe him anything either, that is what parents are supposed to do.

After he has returned the child, send him a message thanking him for his help, but the situation has now reverted to how it was before and you will not welcome him visiting your mom’s or contacting you. If it would help you call the police who you spoke to before and explain the situation to them, see what they say.

This is not ideal, but these things never run smoothly, despite what some people would have you believe. Try not to give yourself too much of a hard time. Concentrate on regaining your strength, both physically and mentally.

LetHimHaveIt · 12/02/2022 10:04

we don't know if she has one, I don't think she does from what she said

That's why I said 'for example' . . .

There may be a case for him collecting his children (as the OP's own mother clearly had her hands full flattening Coke for her) but the abject gratitude in the OP's time is a worry.

LetHimHaveIt · 12/02/2022 10:05

tone

Original poster

trixey · 12/02/2022 10:05

To clarify - I didn't say the police had to remove him for harassment. They didn't. I'd already left months ago last year. Not making excuses but that's how it happened. He wasn't arrested either. There was evidence of harassment and coercive control however it wasn't enough to lead to anything like charging him. They gave me advice on what to do and I followed it.

I don't have an injunction against him after I called the police, he left me alone completely. I wouldn't of got one according to the police as he did as he was asked. We were completely no contact apart from FaceTimes with DS which were done through my mum. If he had ignored requests to leave me alone then I would have done.

Even my mum agreed he had to come and look after DS.

I'm not standing up for what he's done, I hold my hands up and know I've made a massive mistake. ExH lives 3 mins away from my mums (the family home I left) We had no bedding left, no towels as other dcs had been sick over everything. My mum was struggling and I was just out of it.

I'm thankful I haven't seen him. I was locked in the bathroom and didn't know when he'd been to collect DS.

OP posts:

harriethoyle · 12/02/2022 10:11

This is the man who was bullying your autistic son? Grow up and put your kids first. Your convenience doesn't trump their mental health.

Walkingalot · 12/02/2022 10:18

You didn't fall into bed with him or have a massive argument so why beat yourself up about this. You had a bit of an emergency. He could have been a dick and got all petty about the rules but he didn't. Hardly makes he partner of the year though.
Revert to the original plan. Crisis over.

Newone2 · 12/02/2022 10:21

@trixey

Even my mum agreed he had to come and look after DS.

I'm thankful I haven't seen him. I was locked in the bathroom and didn't know when he'd been to collect DS.

I've been no contact with him for the last 2.5 weeks. I had to call the police due to harassment. They helped me put some boundaries in place that he must stick too

I'm a bit confused. I thought it happened 2.5 weeks ago . But then you said a few months ago last year. I may have read it wrong though?

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 12/02/2022 10:22

@harriethoyle

This is the man who was bullying your autistic son? Grow up and put your kids first. Your convenience doesn't trump their mental health.

Is this the back story to this?

If this is true is this sort of the coercive control
And abuse you’ve spoken of OP?
If so handing a child over because you are ill will do a lot of damage to your assertions and also potentially place You in a difficult situation via a via being seen to direct your children. Sorry but that’s the truth.

A PP made a comment about if one parent can’t look after their child the other automatically should. This is such a surface level assumption particularly given allegations of abuse have been raised

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 12/02/2022 10:23

*being seen to PROTECT your children that should read

Itwasntmeright · 12/02/2022 10:31

I don’t think berating the OP is helpful. She accepts that last night was not what she wanted to happen. I didn’t know the backstory when I posted, if indeed that is the backstory, and it sheds a different light on it, but it’s done now and my advice stays the same. I think it would be far more useful to give her encouragement going forward.

cooldarkroom · 12/02/2022 10:40

He came & got his son as you were clearly able to care for him, He is the 2nd parent, not your Mother who was already struggling.
There is nothing wrong with this situation.
This is the ideal, you co parent your child.
Once you get ds back, you continue living separately as beflore.

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 12/02/2022 10:51

@Itwasntmeright

Assuming I am once of the posters you feel are berating the OP The fact is that is she is raised allegations of abuse - and not just of her it seems - then this is not a straightforward co parenting situation but is one with safeguarding associations and concerns. That is going to make her decision somewhat more complicated than just sharing childcare with the other parent when this sort of scenario unfolds. You can’t turn that worry on and off. Going forward if I was the OP I would now seek some support and advice of at least health visitor and perhaps family support services potentially social services. The police put those measures in place for a good reason and unless multi agency procedures have ground to a halt this will all be looked at.

If you raise allegations then you need to be sen to take advice and support to protect your children from any more of this. What happened in this post is t necessarily the end of the world but it could leave the OP with some questions to answer and future assurances to make.

It would be naive to assume otherwise and wise to be prepared

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