Urgh I've gone against everything I said...

[trixey]

But I was desperate.

Left exH due to emotion abuse, coercive control and many other things. Having therapy has helped me realise a lot and he is a narcissist.

I've been no contact with him for the last 2.5 weeks. I had to call the police due to harassment. They helped me put some boundaries in place that he must stick too.

No coming to my mums house (where I'm currently staying), we must meet with DS in a public place, no over night stays.

I failed on all this last night. I have 3 dcs - only 1 to him. And tested we all came down with the most horrendous sickness bug. I was especially bad. I I couldn't move from the bathroom floor, close to passing out. My mum was looking after other 2 dcs but my 3 year old DS just wanted me, he kept throwing up all over me and like I say I couldn't move off the floor. Honestly it was awful.

I had no choice but to call exH. He came to my mums, collected DS, used my car (as he doesn't have a car seat), left his here and took DS back to his for the night. He bought me some Coke with I desperately needed and my mum flattened it which helped so much. I'm not 100% this morning but I've stopped being sick.

ExH has been fab and I hate it. He is desperate for us to get back together and I've just let all my boundaries down. I didn't see him as I was in the bathroom.

DS is still with him now, obviously I've unblocked him from my phone and we've been speaking through the night regarding how DS is but also he's been very kind and nice to me.

I can't quite believe what's happened.

I agree wholeheartedly. The fact that the OP has made serious allegations against the father does put it in a very different light, and as you say, you can’t turn that on and off when it suits, or even when necessity arises, but it is done now and the OP needs to take steps going forward to ensure that this isn’t allowed to happen again.

I don’t understand this, I’m a Lone parent to 4 and I don’t call my ex if I’m sick, I don’t even have family I just have to get on with it, you had your mum so no you really didn’t need to call your ex but it’s done now,
You need to get into a place where you don’t rely on him, if police are involved ss will likely get involved and frown upon this if he is abusive like you say.

What's done is done. When you get DS back just say thank you for stepping up and co-parenting so well and out the boundaries back up.

I really don't like the tome of the responses you have had @trixey

They are v judgemental and unsupportive. I think it's very understandable why you felt you had no choice but to call him.

Now I think you should feel under no obligation to him. You rang hum under extreme duress as a one-off. (You should probably think about who else you could call if this, god forbid, ever happened again).

You also need to decide how to handle him. You have NOT created any obligation for yourself to him. Just because he's been - temporarily - normal and reacted like a normal father doesn't mean he can keep it up. If only he could!

You made a mistake, that's allowed. But you know, if you review why you set those boundaries in the first place, that those reasons remain and still stand. He will turn again.

So get your dc back from him. Say thank you for his help. Then end of. Back to the boundaries. He will say you've used him, it's unfair etc, but the reasons you don't allow him into your everyday life haven't gone away. But you don't need to get into that conversation with him. Not again.

My views are not judgmental they are obvious questions and statements of fact

No matter what anyone else thinks the fact remains that is safeguarding concerns are raised via allegations of abuse then you don’t hand a child over to that individual if you are unwell. Even if he is the father

That is exactly how professionals and in particular social services will see it
The key now is to be consistent and not do that again as it plays into his hands and rightfully will make your ability to protect your children called into question if you maintain this stance about their father

Hope you feel better OP

No matter what anyone else thinks the fact remains that is safeguarding concerns are raised via allegations of abuse then you don’t hand a child over to that individual if you are unwell. Even if he is the father

Lots of women have emotionally abusive exH that they have to coparent with. In fact these men often use family court to continue abusing their exW if she tries to stop/reduce contact
You are scaremongering by suggesting OP has done anything wrong in supporting her children to see their dad. It's not helpful

@AdamRyan

No matter what anyone else thinks the fact remains that is safeguarding concerns are raised via allegations of abuse then you don’t hand a child over to that individual if you are unwell. Even if he is the father Lots of women have emotionally abusive exH that they have to coparent with. In fact these men often use family court to continue abusing their exW if she tries to stop/reduce contact You are scaremongering by suggesting OP has done anything wrong in supporting her children to see their dad. It's not helpful

She went to the police Measures are in place to prevent contact to a great degree According to other posters this man is abusing her autistic son

the sequence of events the OP describes will set forth a series of questions and I suspect some concerns from professionals . I think the OP already is aware of this. If not she needs to be.

And I know all too well about abuse and family courts being used to further it from my own experience as well as what social services will say. So don’t accuse me of scaremongering. I’ve been there.

And thanks to the new Domestic Abuse. I’ll children who witness domestic abuse are now also victims in their own right
Abuse of one parent is also abuse of the children

As a pp said, have a think about who else could potentially help you out, if God forbid you get ill again.

As another pp said, "don't play into his hands". You don't owe him anything, and as nice as it was that he was nice, it sounds he'll not stay nice for long.

I hope you're feeling better

*sounds like

My grandmother used to say “things come into our lives when we least expect them to”

Maybe you can work on fixing it, maybe not. But while you’re both communicating, at least you can try to secure a future where the authorities don’t have to be involved. You’ve had the fire break now try to remain friendly. Rather than friends.

Maybe you can work on fixing it, maybe not

@TheSpecialist - definitely not a specialist in emotion abuse, coercive control or narcissism then?

You do NOT work on fixing things with abusers.

You do work on staying safe, resisting hoovering attempts and recovery and healing.

FFS it's irresponsible in the extreme to suggest fixing things with an abuser. That can never be achieved. And it can be very dangerous and costs women and children their lives every day in this country.

It doesn’t always have to be so extreme.

And yes you can fix things with anyone.

@TheSpecialist

It doesn’t always have to be so extreme.

And yes you can fix things with anyone.

No you can’t fix everything If you have this kind of attitude it might be best to stick to “advising “ people on their relationships where the police aren’t involved, a child is allegedly being abused and one party is alleging coercive control. These are precisely the extreme circumstances you talk of.

It’s that kind of attempted mollification which pervades society and makes far too many women feel as though it’s their obligation to try and help reset their abuser’s compass. It is absolutely not their duty.