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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I know to keep trying or end it?

46 replies

TwittleBee · 12/02/2022 03:07

Together for 5 years, a couple of kids, mortgage etc. All the standard stuff.

But this past year and a half I've found us getting along less, the connection is dwindling, there isnt any affection and it just feels like we are "mum and dad" rather than anything else towards each other.

OP posts:
TooManyAnimals94 · 12/02/2022 03:26

I think you can get the 'spark' or connection or whatever you call it back if you're both willing to acknowledge its absence and fight for your relationship. I am going through a similar thing but I am still very much in love and prepared to try whereas I'm not sure DH is. I try to make time for us as a couple, appreciate him, complement him and seek out intimacy but at the moment it's an uphill struggle.
So, in short, are you still in love? Does the relationship (at its best) enrich your life? Are you prepared to put serious work in as well as your partner? The answers to these questions can help to decide if the relationship is savable.

Original poster
TwittleBee · 12/02/2022 03:40

Sorry you're going through it too @TooManyAnimals94

Those are good things to consider, and the question of "do I love him?" Is something that's keeping me up tonight (as well as the kids).

If he walked out the door and I didn't see him again, I don't think I'd particularly miss him. Not who he is right now.

I looked back at old photos of us, and I miss that version of him. But of course people grow and evolve over time, don't they.

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 12/02/2022 03:50

I agree with the above poster.
If you are still in love then it's so worth working on your relationship.

You have to remember who you were before the children came along. Court one another and re ignite passion and intimacy, open up and tell each other your feelings.

It sounds easy but it's not, you both have to be prepared to feel vunerable again.

Original poster
TwittleBee · 12/02/2022 04:00

That was probably the issue, I became pregnant within 3 months of us dating and so we just quickly became focused on becoming a family. There wasn't that much dating prior that. And what we did do, wasn't really stuff I enjoyed.

I adore going out to gigs, dancing and enjoying a pint. I love watching the rugby and I miss playing sports. Food is my passion, I love to cook proper good food and eating out at nice places.

DH has always been a movie buff, prefers nights in with a crappy take away, he lives for his motorbike and will do anything to avoid going out to a restaurant or pub, certainly wouldn't go to a gig ever.

What got us interested in each other? The sex. And that we did both happen to like reading the same books. We can hold some interesting debates about politics and psychology etc.

I just think, I've got one life and I don't know if I want to waste it by merely existing

OP posts:
WildPoinsettia · 12/02/2022 04:12

One person can't be your "everything". If he's a good person, no red flags, you could try focus on the shared parts together and find friends for the separate interests. A romantic relationship doesn't have to mean shared hobbies and joined at the hip.

Lots of people are a shadow of themselves at the moment due to the pandemic too.

Original poster
TwittleBee · 12/02/2022 04:39

I don't expect him to be my everything but it would be nice if we could do something together beyond parenting but tbh I feel like I do that solo.

OP posts:
Original poster
TwittleBee · 12/02/2022 04:40

He does have a couple of red flags too

  1. He controls all finances, I'm not allowed to buy anything yet he I recently discovered he has debts
  1. He is very hot tempered and did hit me a couple weeks ago
OP posts:
Original poster
TwittleBee · 12/02/2022 04:41

(I did seek advice from Refuge about those btw, but was told he sounds as though he is suffering from depression and I should be supporting him with that)

OP posts:
Whiteminnowfish · 12/02/2022 04:47

@TwittleBee

He does have a couple of red flags too
  1. He controls all finances, I'm not allowed to buy anything yet he I recently discovered he has debts
  1. He is very hot tempered and did hit me a couple weeks ago
Hi there. I am sorry to read this. This are all huge red flags, especially the hitting. It will only get worse. I would end this relationship
GiantHaystacks2021 · 12/02/2022 05:04

End it.
He will hit you again if you stay.

CustardyCreams · 12/02/2022 05:16

Ok, up to the drip feed about violence I was, meh, but he hit you, for goodness’ sake. Get your ducks in a row, the relationship is over and when he asks why, you tell him: “I put up with a lot. But you don’t get to hit Twittlebee twice. Good luck with your depression, I’m off.”

coodawoodashooda · 12/02/2022 05:34

It's much easier knowing the red flags. Leave.

CatheP · 12/02/2022 06:57

Leave!! I can’t believe Refuge said you should be supporting him through his “depression”! He doesn’t deserve your support at all!

AgathaX · 12/02/2022 07:03

Your later post changes everything. He's abusive. Of course you should separate.

GeneLovesJezebel · 12/02/2022 07:04

You sound like two very different people.
And he’s financially controlling, and he hit you ? End it now.
If he hits you or attempts to hit you again you a call the police immediately.
Get your ducks in a row behind the scenes and end it.
Tell someone in real life what is happening so you have support 💐

Disfordragon · 12/02/2022 07:04

I was going to say that we are very similar- I got pregnant 3 months into dating- and it’s easy to get lost in parenting, it was very hard, but 10 years down the line we are happier than ever…..then you said he hit you. You need to leave. You need to leave because of the financial control also, but the DV is a red line. Be strong OP.

JennyForeigner · 12/02/2022 07:05

If he hit you, it is over. He no longer has the basic respect for you as a person to allow you to rebuild, even if you wanted to. When tested, he chose violence to make you either shut up or go away or do what he wanted you to do.

Original poster
TwittleBee · 12/02/2022 07:18

When people say get your ducks in a row.... what do I need to do? I don't have any reliable RL support

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 12/02/2022 07:21

Are you married
If not, do you own your house and are on the deeds ? If you rent are you named on the rental agreement ?
Do you have your own bank account with child benefits paid into it ?
If married do you both have private pensions ?
Do you have a joint account t with savings in it ?

GeneLovesJezebel · 12/02/2022 07:22

Do you work ?

Mumof3confused · 12/02/2022 07:23

What? Refuge said you should support HIM? I’m gobsmacked.

Getting your ducks in a row, depends on whether you’re married? Can you buy him out of the house? When you say he controls the finances, what about your own earnings/savings? I’d take back control of that immediately.

Original poster
TwittleBee · 12/02/2022 07:28

We have a joint mortgage. No way can I buy him out. Although I'm the much higher earner, I haven't any personal savings (he takes care of all that). We have a joint account that everything goes into and then he takes money out and leaves what we need for each week.

I also rely on PIL for childcare so we can work, although they see that they're doing it so I can work (they don't see it as doing him a favour too)

I do have a private pension but I'm only in my 20s, there's barely anything in there as I wasn't paying in whilst on maternity leave

OP posts:
Original poster
TwittleBee · 12/02/2022 07:29

What? Refuge said you should support HIM? I’m gobsmacked

Tbh I was as well, she then proceeded to explain how its best I seek marriage counselling and help from the GP.

But then I guess it was only once, as she said, and we do have a lot and been through a lot as a family

OP posts:
GeneLovesJezebel · 12/02/2022 07:33

You need to have your wages going into your own account , then direct debit your share across.
Go on line now and open an account in your name only if you don’t already have one. It’s easier to open one with a bank you’re already with. I did it last week and my card and PIn is here already.
When you’ve got your own account, have child benefit and wages put into it.

GeneLovesJezebel · 12/02/2022 07:34

When he takes money out of your joint account, where is it going ?