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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it stupid to think that being single can break your heart?

28 replies

hallofweirdfame · 11/02/2022 23:49

I've never had a boyfriend and I used to think that it was ok, because it would happen, but it never, ever has. I'm so tired of being so lonely. It makes me feel like my stomach is aching.

My 30th is at the end of March. I feel like I failed at youth and now I'm failing at being a grown up.

OP posts:
ColourMeExhausted · 12/02/2022 07:12

I'm so sorry to read this OP. Please don't give up on hope. It may not feel like it, but you are still so young. Many people don't meet their life partners until their 30s or later. Your best decade is yet to come!

My first long term relationship was when I was 25, I spent a lot of my younger teaea yearning to meet someone I really liked and not sure why it happened so easily for others. A lot of it was to do with low self esteem. Can you identify what's happening with you? Is it shyness, lack of confidence? Do you find it difficult to talk to men? I ask that because I did, it took years for me to feel comfortable talking to them.

ColourMeExhausted · 12/02/2022 07:13

*years

autienotnaughty · 12/02/2022 07:17

I think you feel sad because your life isn't what you want it to be. It's hard but can you try to accept your life while being open to relationships? I have no close friends and that hurts me. I'm trying to learn to be ok with that whilst still being open to making friends. Hope your ok.

CupOfNiceTea · 12/02/2022 07:23

Op, I absolutely agree with you.
I’m 35 and never been in a relationship either.
And I have had my (many) heartbreaks about it.
It’s difficult to put it in words and it’s not like anyone makes songs about this specific kind of heartbreak…..

GeneLovesJezebel · 12/02/2022 07:27

You can be lonely in a marriage too.

Lightning020 · 12/02/2022 07:45

I guess I am lucky having had four main cohabiting relationships over the years I would never get involved again with a man. I love the peace and independence.

You aren't missing out on a thing op. Relationships are so overrated and over half of them are just putting up with each other. And one third split up.

SallyMcNally · 12/02/2022 16:00

When I was 34 I'd had one short long distance relationship whilst a student and then nothing since. I had low self esteem and just couldn't stand the thought of online dating (had one in all that time) eventually a friend set me up with someone and basically bullied me into going for a drink with him. We are getting married in the summer.

It can happen but you have to look at the reasons why it isn't and maybe open yourself up a bit more (that was my problem)

Lifeslooser · 12/02/2022 16:03

You can be lonely in a long term relationships or marriage too, so don’t worry about that!

Why have you’ve never had a relationship?
Have you had a FWB?

CupOfNiceTea · 12/02/2022 16:22

Not to be an ass, but do people really think that the ”people in marriages are lonely too” is helpful?
It’s pretty insulting.

firstimemamma · 12/02/2022 16:48

Don't talk about your youth in the past tense! You have another decade of youth ahead of you Smile

Have you tried putting yourself out there? I met my husband on match.com, could be worth a try.

Watercoloursky · 12/02/2022 17:07

I was 30 when I got together with my now-fiance... you are far from past-it! Wink

grapewine · 12/02/2022 17:10

@CupOfNiceTea

Not to be an ass, but do people really think that the ”people in marriages are lonely too” is helpful? It’s pretty insulting.
Agree tbh.
RedCandyApple · 12/02/2022 17:12

@CupOfNiceTea

Not to be an ass, but do people really think that the ”people in marriages are lonely too” is helpful? It’s pretty insulting.
I know! Massive eye roll to those comments 🙄
5128gap · 12/02/2022 20:28

@CupOfNiceTea

Not to be an ass, but do people really think that the ”people in marriages are lonely too” is helpful? It’s pretty insulting.
I think its valid actually. A lot of people are trapped in marriages that are incredibly lonely. The difference between them and the single person is they're not even free. I think its valid as it gives a balance to the thought that being single is a life wasted and that being part of a couple is the route to fulfilment. To the OP, you don't give much background to your situation, so its difficult to offer anything constructive, but I'm very sorry you feel that way.
Lady0racle · 12/02/2022 20:33

Why do you think you’ve never had a boyfriend? Is it a confidence thing? Do you go out and socialise to places where you might meet single men? Do you do online dating? Perhaps you need to stop waiting for it to ‘happen’ and approach dating in a more proactive way?

colouringindoors · 12/02/2022 20:34

No it's not stupid at all. Feling lonely and missing having that one special person in your life Is heartbreaking.

Do have any insight into why you've never had a boyfriend?

lolstevelol · 12/02/2022 20:37

Try dating outside your race, white men are highly desired by women of color, if white women only go for white guys their are not going to be enough for everyone.

Ginger1982 · 12/02/2022 20:40

@lolstevelol

Try dating outside your race, white men are highly desired by women of color, if white women only go for white guys their are not going to be enough for everyone.
What are you on about?
000YourMum000 · 12/02/2022 20:42

What’s your insight into why it’s never happened OP?

lolstevelol · 12/02/2022 20:55

@Ginger1982 white women are statistically the least likely to date out out of all groups even less than white men.

The competition for white guys is fierce. Most relationships are like prince harry and Megan Markle and George Clooney and Amal Clooney.

White women that date white guys as a exclusion to everyone else are going to have a tough time dating

overnightangel · 12/02/2022 20:57

@Lightning020

I guess I am lucky having had four main cohabiting relationships over the years I would never get involved again with a man. I love the peace and independence.

You aren't missing out on a thing op. Relationships are so overrated and over half of them are just putting up with each other. And one third split up.

where are you getting your stats from?
Moonface123 · 12/02/2022 21:05

l took on a second job in my twenties and worked behind the bar in a nice pub, that was a great way to meet people,.and the staff were really friendly too.

CupOfNiceTea · 12/02/2022 21:09

[quote lolstevelol]@Ginger1982 white women are statistically the least likely to date out out of all groups even less than white men.

The competition for white guys is fierce. Most relationships are like prince harry and Megan Markle and George Clooney and Amal Clooney.

White women that date white guys as a exclusion to everyone else are going to have a tough time dating[/quote]
What does this have to do with op?
How do you know her race?

Lampan · 12/02/2022 21:15

@CupOfNiceTea

Not to be an ass, but do people really think that the ”people in marriages are lonely too” is helpful? It’s pretty insulting.
I’m single and don’t find this insulting at all. It’s a fact surely? Just because someone is in a relationship doesn’t mean they are happy and fulfilled
Original poster
hallofweirdfame · 12/02/2022 21:25

I have tried OLD (through Tinder and Bumble) but only made it as far as a third date.

I'm shy and quiet and I've always struggled going outside of my comfort zone, so once I got to the point of being acutely aware of my lack of experience, it became this huge thing.

Bringing up bad relationships really doesn't make me feel any better, no.

OP posts:
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