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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I just the world's worst wife?

34 replies

I21018 · 11/02/2022 11:25

I've been feeling so guilty recently. I love my husband, we have one DC together, a nice home, I don't have to worry about money or anything like that. On the outside I'm in a fortunate position.

However I can't shake the feeling recently that I'd love to be able to sleep with someone else Blush

Not anyone in particular and I have never and would never do anything about it but I wish I could!

If my husband had any idea I felt like this he would understandably be heartbroken.

I feel so jealous of my friends who are single who get to go out and hook up with other people. It's embarrassing feeling this way almost.

I want to be one of these women who don't look at anyone but their husband.

Anyone else felt this way? Does it really have to be a sign that my marriage is shit and not going to last? It's so good in every other way!

Sex with DH is good, its not even that. It's just the newness of someone else I guess.

I have never uttered these words outside of this post other than in my own head, I feel so ashamed.

OP posts:
rolypolydoly · 11/02/2022 11:27

It's natural to fantasise as long as that's all it is

AryaStarkWolf · 11/02/2022 11:29

I mean it's no one in particular and you say you love your husband and enjoy sex with him so i wouldn't be too worried just yet. You probably just feel a bit stuck in a boring routine atm, it will probably pass over time

Original poster
I21018 · 11/02/2022 11:29

@rolypolydoly

It's natural to fantasise as long as that's all it is
I do get the normal to fantasise thing but this feels different. It's like I would actually really really like to be able to do it. If I could do it without hurting him I would. But obviously I can't so I won't.

My husband would never agree to anything like an open relationship and tbh I think it would be the end if I even suggested it.

OP posts:
Original poster
I21018 · 11/02/2022 11:30

It probably is a bit of the "stuck in a boring routine" thing.

OP posts:
SimoneSimone · 11/02/2022 11:48

You are no longer in love with your husband. Remember that time when he was the only man you could think about?

AryaStarkWolf · 11/02/2022 11:53

@SimoneSimone

You are no longer in love with your husband. Remember that time when he was the only man you could think about?
She clearly says she does love her husband.
Susu49 · 11/02/2022 11:53

@SimoneSimone

You are no longer in love with your husband. Remember that time when he was the only man you could think about?
I don't think you can draw such a conclusion! And actually really damaging when you know so little of the situation!

Marriages- like any long term relationships - change over time and I think its natural to have thoughts and feelings for other people - real people or not.

Granted, some people won't ever feel that way but irs not true of everyone.

The op will know deep down the root of her feelings and I think she's correct, that it's more a manifestation of a desire to shake things up, do something completely different because she's in a rut. Especially, op, if you feel that at some point you've missed out on experiences others have had?

The thing is, as many women here will tell you, it's not always as great as it sounds.

ComtesseDeSpair · 11/02/2022 11:56

I think most of us spend portions of every day fantasising / thinking about how much we really really want to do some things, but knowing that we’ll never actually go ahead with them. It doesn’t make you a bad wife or person for wanting that thing to be sex with somebody else - that’s just the social conditioning of monogamy talking, where we have it drilled into us every day in both words and imagery around us that if you love somebody the only way to be able to love them is to have them exclusively and to even feel attraction towards somebody else is bordering on cheating.

If you want to stay with your husband and know your relationship would be over if you suggested an open relationship then this is just one more of those “I really want to do”s that you pack away into the fantasy box and play with in your head.

Sweetlikejollof · 11/02/2022 12:00

Is your husband the only person you’ve ever slept with? Did you sow your wild oats before you settled down?

Original poster
I21018 · 11/02/2022 12:09

@Sweetlikejollof

Is your husband the only person you’ve ever slept with? Did you sow your wild oats before you settled down?
No he isn't! I actually sowed plenty of oats before I met him. So I can't use that excuse.
OP posts:
LampLighter414 · 11/02/2022 12:20

You can probably use some of this feeling to suggest ways to spice up your current love life - use mojoupgrade or similar to both express things you're interested in trying and it will show what you both match on.

You could even roleplay on this specific fantasy. Arrange for DH to be at a bar ahead of you and pretend he doesn't know you but chats you up at the bar, you can both play fictional characters as to your family, career etc. He plays his cards rights and you go home with him.

Totalwasteofpaper · 11/02/2022 12:21

Mmm...not that uncommon butttttt I'd consider getting therapy to discuss it further...

It sounds like maybe you want to escape something? Or maybe you have a history of self sabotage? Or something else?

You need to work out what is the driver...

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 11/02/2022 12:25

I feel so jealous of my friends who are single who get to go out and hook up with other people. It's embarrassing feeling this way almost.

Is it the actual sex you're fantasizing about? Or it's it actually about the freedom?

Monogamy is not natural for humans and many people struggle with performing it. It certainly doesn't work for me and I would never again agree to a sexually exclusive relationship.

donesomethingterrible · 11/02/2022 12:27

OP I have been with my DH 21 years and he is the only man I have slept with. I did not have a wild time or all the fun you hear that others have in their youth.

I have fantasised about sex with other men (a couple who I found attractive) for at least 8 years. Didn't ever do anything about it or tell anyone!!

Due to many other factors we are in a terrible place atm and this has become a big problem for me.

girlmom21 · 11/02/2022 12:29

Are there issues in your relationship? Do you think you might just be bored?

TwoCoffeesPlease · 11/02/2022 12:31

I’ve been struggling with previously single friends/family members recently getting into relationships/dating people again.

My partner and I have known each other for 10 years and as much as we love each other and enjoy each other’s company and our relationship is good, we inevitably spend a lot of time saying things like “can you remember to take the washing out the machine?” “Which door handles should we get for the new doors?”, and “what do you want for dinner this week?” and I am finding myself feeling envious of them having all the new exciting experiences that you do when you first get together and making an effort to be attractive/funny/interesting - we tried to go for a date night and ended up bumping into friends!

I think what you are feeling is totally normal and actually you just need to talk about it together 😊

CousinKrispy · 11/02/2022 12:34

I think it's pretty common to feel drawn to this idea, OP. It doesn't mean you're a bad person or a bad partner, as long as you don't act on it (since it sounds like your H wouldn't be comfortable with an open marriage).

If your relationship were dysfunctional in other ways, it might be a further indication of the need to escape from a failing relationship. But it sounds like you have a solid relationship with a good man whom you love, and that you realise it's not worth throwing that away for the sake of wanting something more ... especially when you are aware that that something more may not be achievable, or so great after all.

I would love to be able to quit my job and spend all my time doing my hobbies. I think a lot about the life I'd rather have if I didn't have to go to my boring job every day for the next few decades. But I'm well aware it wouldn't be financially responsible for me to do that--my hobby skills wouldn't pay me a living wage and I have a child to support and a mortgage to pay.

I look for realistic ways to make my job and my time outside work more fulfilling, but the thoughts about "I'd like to quit and make papercrafts and play with my pet emus full-time" (hobbies changed for anonymity...) I just let play through my head and then put aside. They're just not realistic but that's life, you don't get everything you want.

If you feel like you're "ruminating" on it obsessively or the thoughts are intrusive, then I'd suggest seeking out mental health support, but it sounds like it's not necessarily that bad?

thisplaceisweird · 11/02/2022 12:36

Shake it up a bit! Can you go away for a weekend and try something new??

I don't think your feelings are unreasonable at all, particularly with a child as we all know some priorities go out the window

RedCandyApple · 11/02/2022 12:36

God I’m single and haven’t slept with anyone for 5 years can’t think of anything worse than sleeping around with random men so I guess we are all different!

arethereanyleftatall · 11/02/2022 12:37

I'm not sure I'm helpful to this situation, because I do agree with you and believe that being single is better. Although that's just for me I guess, everyone's different. I tend to prefer the actual company of women, I prefer living with women, so for me it's just the sex, and that's so easy to come by.
Marriage was born of a practical solution wasn't it to child rearing and finances? Just easier with two and it takes a man and a woman.

Goooglebox · 11/02/2022 12:37

You are no longer in love with your husband. Remember that time when he was the only man you could think about?

You're a fantasist if you think happily married people can only think about their spouse. This is what people say when they just want to go. "I'm not in love with you". As if we all go around infatuated. Grow up. Love is bigger than that and does at times come at cost.

insatiableme · 11/02/2022 12:40

I had this feeling not long before I split with my ex long term partner.

SpringSpringTime · 11/02/2022 12:42

I know exactly how you feel. I’ve never, even when hopelessly in love (in that early stages way), been blind to the charms of men in general. I love men and I love variety and new connections and I find monogamy hard. But I also know I burn out of lust quite fast and what would be left would be more or less the same as I have now, but without the profundity and the child to treasure.

Do be careful-I was unlucky to bump into someone with whom I had once-in-a-lifetime chemistry when my child was about 1 and it nearly ruined my life. Certainly it removed my chance of a second DC (took me/us too long to get back on track, and age gap too big now). Fantasy is normal and healthy, but keep the boundaries clearly in sight.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 11/02/2022 12:46

I feel the same way. I like to fantasise but would never act on it. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I also don’t think it means you don’t love your husband.

BowerOfBramble · 11/02/2022 12:58

@SpringSpringTime

I know exactly how you feel. I’ve never, even when hopelessly in love (in that early stages way), been blind to the charms of men in general. I love men and I love variety and new connections and I find monogamy hard. But I also know I burn out of lust quite fast and what would be left would be more or less the same as I have now, but without the profundity and the child to treasure.

Do be careful-I was unlucky to bump into someone with whom I had once-in-a-lifetime chemistry when my child was about 1 and it nearly ruined my life. Certainly it removed my chance of a second DC (took me/us too long to get back on track, and age gap too big now). Fantasy is normal and healthy, but keep the boundaries clearly in sight.

This is so helpful to read. I do think some people are a lot MORE monogamous (in their hearts) than others. I don't think there's ever been a time when I've not been able to see someone else as attractive or feel a tiny flutter if a lovely person flirts with me, however satisfied and happy in a relationship I've been. For some people I genuinely believed they've "never looked at another man/woman" since finding their life partner.

Just like some people divorce or are widowed and never want another relationship or sex again, others take a different approach.

OP I don't think this is necessarily a bad sign or damaging at all, a marriage is usually for a very long time so it's not just how long since you last had sex or flirtation with another person, it's the thought that you never get to do that again perhaps in your life. It's a huge deal!!!

I actually think the fact that you "sowed your oats" before marrying probably indicates that like me you're naturally a bit more "prolific" Grin and so marriage is a bigger leap/comes at a higher price for you in that way, than for the people (many of my friends) who were barely interested in sex or relationships before settling down.

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