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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I just the world's worst wife?

34 replies

I21018 · 11/02/2022 11:25

I've been feeling so guilty recently. I love my husband, we have one DC together, a nice home, I don't have to worry about money or anything like that. On the outside I'm in a fortunate position.

However I can't shake the feeling recently that I'd love to be able to sleep with someone else Blush

Not anyone in particular and I have never and would never do anything about it but I wish I could!

If my husband had any idea I felt like this he would understandably be heartbroken.

I feel so jealous of my friends who are single who get to go out and hook up with other people. It's embarrassing feeling this way almost.

I want to be one of these women who don't look at anyone but their husband.

Anyone else felt this way? Does it really have to be a sign that my marriage is shit and not going to last? It's so good in every other way!

Sex with DH is good, its not even that. It's just the newness of someone else I guess.

I have never uttered these words outside of this post other than in my own head, I feel so ashamed.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 11/02/2022 13:06

I think it's also about feeling very "tied down" and "responsible" - you married, have kids you are kind of "trapped" and daydream about being carefree and having fun.

You can love your partner and kids and life together and still sometimes strongly desire to have absolute freedom and no responsibilities.

KilmordenCastle · 11/02/2022 13:09

I've been with my DH for 15 years and over those years I have gone through a few phases of feeling like this.

I love my DH, I fancy him, he's a good person and a good husband. Other than the odd minor bump in the road we've always been very happy together. I think it's down to boredom tbh. You get fed up of the monotony of a LTR and crave a bit of excitement. I think it's pretty normal to feel this way from time to time.

Sometimes I get pangs of jealousy of the freedom that my child free friends have and I wish I could just have a week of not being a mum. But, of course, I love my children more than anything and I wouldn't actually want to be without them. I think it's the same sort of thing.

I wouldn't worry about it tbh. As long as you don't act on it then there's no actual harm done by fantasising. Maybe try and spice things up in the bedroom. Do something new and different. That might satisfy the urge for excitement Grin

SpringSpringTime · 11/02/2022 13:10

Yes exactly @BowerOfBramble. It comes at a higher price. And post-baby is especially hard I think, because as you start to get yourself back, you start to really miss and want to rediscover that sexy, vibrant self.

donesomethingterrible · 11/02/2022 13:42

@SpringSpringTime

I know exactly how you feel. I’ve never, even when hopelessly in love (in that early stages way), been blind to the charms of men in general. I love men and I love variety and new connections and I find monogamy hard. But I also know I burn out of lust quite fast and what would be left would be more or less the same as I have now, but without the profundity and the child to treasure.

Do be careful-I was unlucky to bump into someone with whom I had once-in-a-lifetime chemistry when my child was about 1 and it nearly ruined my life. Certainly it removed my chance of a second DC (took me/us too long to get back on track, and age gap too big now). Fantasy is normal and healthy, but keep the boundaries clearly in sight.

I am in this position right now @SpringSpringTime. In contact with someone from past and it is dangerous.
AngelinaFibres · 11/02/2022 14:11

@I21018

I've been feeling so guilty recently. I love my husband, we have one DC together, a nice home, I don't have to worry about money or anything like that. On the outside I'm in a fortunate position.

However I can't shake the feeling recently that I'd love to be able to sleep with someone else Blush

Not anyone in particular and I have never and would never do anything about it but I wish I could!

If my husband had any idea I felt like this he would understandably be heartbroken.

I feel so jealous of my friends who are single who get to go out and hook up with other people. It's embarrassing feeling this way almost.

I want to be one of these women who don't look at anyone but their husband.

Anyone else felt this way? Does it really have to be a sign that my marriage is shit and not going to last? It's so good in every other way!

Sex with DH is good, its not even that. It's just the newness of someone else I guess.

I have never uttered these words outside of this post other than in my own head, I feel so ashamed.

As they say ....People who are married dream of being single. People who are single dream of the life you have.
Original poster
I21018 · 11/02/2022 14:30

Thank you all! Some really helpful replies. Glad it's not just me.

I've just been feeling so guilty about it. Essentially saying if I could not hurt my husband in the process, I'd cheat on him.

To the PP who asked, yes I think it is just about the sex. I don't want a relationship with anyone else. But yes I'd love to just go meet someone for just s sex.

OP posts:
BowerOfBramble · 11/02/2022 16:14

if I could not hurt my husband in the process, I'd cheat on him

Is that really so terrible? You don't mean "I will cheat on him and hope he doesn't find out" I think you mean "If he was happy about it and it was magically guaranteed not to have any negative impact on our marriage, I would sleep with someone else". I think MANY MANY people feel that way - it's an emotion not a plan.

To me it's not really any worse than saying "If I could rob a bank without upsetting anyone or getting intro trouble and end up £100k richer I'd do it" or "If I could eat cheesecake for every meal without getting fat and unhealthy I'd do it." I guess the difference some people would say is that you should never ever have the desire to sleep with anyone else ever again. To me - and you! and others - that's unrealistic. You just need to keep it to yourself and NOT torture yourself about these emotions. As long as you behave like a good and faithful partner, that's the important thing. You can't fully control your lusts/hormones/brain/natural personality.

Pastryapronsucks · 11/02/2022 16:46

If you are terrible so an I. I regularly go through phases like this. A particularly bad one was when my partner and I were going through a rough time. More recently I yhink it's menopause causing me to be undsettled and have the raging horn. But I have felt like it when every thing is hunkydory.

The important thing is to have the emotional intelligence to know that acting on those feelings would be bad. If you were to do it and loose your relationship you can guarantee you would feel it wasn't worth it afterwards. I think thats generally why more men than women shag about.

My way of dealing with it is to indulge in fantasy, either reading an erotic novel or just having a lovely warm bath and having an imaginary liason with my crush of choice, plus you don't have to shave your legsGrin

Sonaftersonafterson · 11/02/2022 16:52

I'd say be very very careful.

When you feel like this, you are vulnerable...a work night away, someone gorgeous hit on you, hubby would never know.

Would you be strong enough to resist ?

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