Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Using sex for validation

29 replies

Stressesw1fe · 09/02/2022 23:36

I think I’ve become addicted to sex, not actual sex because I’m not meeting these guys but sharing images and sexting.
I came out of an emotionally abusive relationship in nov 20 with the help of womans aid and my family.
I am doing really well in most areas of my life but i am craving love and validation. I have been chatting to guys on line and as soon as they are kind tome, I end up sharing photos with them 🙈
I felt low and want to value myself more but find it hard after the emotional abuse from my ex husband

OP posts:
OrlaKc · 10/02/2022 02:25

I don't think it's bad at all that you want to share yourself with the world. It's positive that you are ready to mingle, albeit online.

Are you having fun? If so, great!

Please don't worry about what sounds like harmless fun. No head shots OK? Friend said that's the identifier!

Happy sexting.

LHReturns · 10/02/2022 02:33

I’m not sure the OP is having fun tho…How many men might you be texting at a time?

Why don’t you ever meet these guys?

Original poster
Stressesw1fe · 10/02/2022 06:52

I chicken out when then ask to meet because of my confidence. I feel confident when I’m controlling the camera angle.
I do feel ashamed because sometimes I am messaging 3/4 at a time. I just think I don’t know what a real relationship feels like after the emotional abuse from my narcissistic ex husband. The only time he was nice to me towards the end was during sex and so I wanted it all the time as it felt better. I think this is why I am craving the attention this way. I did meet someone recently and we went from 0-100 in such a quick time (same night!!!!) I felt ashamed afterwards.

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 10/02/2022 07:14

Have you tried any counselling to deal with how you were abused?

RedCandyApple · 10/02/2022 07:44

I hope you haven’t included your face as these men are probably sharing them with others and could post them online.

Original poster
Stressesw1fe · 10/02/2022 07:50

No head shots at all.
I have had help from womans aid to deal with the coercion and control but I haven’t been able to talk about these after effects of it. Womans aid have been amazing but the sessions are a group setting and I just can’t talk about it

OP posts:
CupOfNiceTea · 10/02/2022 07:59

I mean just you title sounded unhealthy.
For that alone you need a therapist.

LlamaLucy · 10/02/2022 08:02

3-4 at a time! I don’t know how you’ve got the time to keep them all entertained! Wink is your life otherwise busy? Are you getting validation from anything else? For example, do you feel happily occupied with your job, hobbies, pets, creative projects, cooking, hosting, learning, volunteering? If not, maybe try and fill more of your time up with these types of things, and talk to as many people as possible - taking every opportunity to help others. Then, you’ll receive gratitude and gain friends, and you might feel more positive about how you can contribute to your own self-esteem and validation, without talking to men who don’t know the real you, one jot.

Moonface123 · 10/02/2022 08:05

You need to learn to validate yourself, validation from others is shallow, fickle, and unnecessary. Read up all you can on self care, and put it into practice daily. Self care is not just about bubble baths and candles, you have to totally change the way you see and talk to yourself. When you no longer need validation from others your in a really powerful and freeing place, and you will naturally attract much better people who love and value you for who you really are rather than just wanting pictures of your breasts etc.

Lifeslooser · 10/02/2022 08:10

You need to get to the root of why you feel ashamed? Was you in a long relationship? Is loyalty important to you? Do you think your not being loyal now?

I do think woman are conditioned when it comes to sex, made to feel ashamed and that they have to do what pleases the man in the bedroom instead of telling them directly how to get you off. Break the mould and have fun.

Woman need sex too, as long as your safe and feel safe then enjoy yourself

IrishKatie1971 · 10/02/2022 08:14

Drop the shame. I dare like to bet your abusive ex shamed you about being sexual. Mine was always taking the piss about how I wanted lots of sex, like it was a bad thing! You are human! Enjoy being single. As long as you can do it without getting attached as there are always idiots out there. But go for it. Get some counselling with a domestic violence/trauma expert to get to the root of the bad feelings. EMDR is good and there are also multiple resources on YouTube that can help you process the aftermath of abuse and return to yourself.

SnowWhitesSM · 10/02/2022 08:18

OP it sounds like you need an eat pray love journey.

Meditation every day, get a self love journal going. Work your shit out, forgive yourself for your mistakes and learn what you would do differently next time.

Use this time to dig deep and find out who you are and who you want to be.

Original poster
Stressesw1fe · 10/02/2022 08:25

Thank you everyone, the advice all makes sense. I know in need to find something that interests me. My children have left for university one last September and one the year before and I have empty nest syndrome too. I have gone from a full house to just me

OP posts:
Getbehindme · 10/02/2022 08:27

I definitely agree with the above. I haven't been in an abusive relationship but I'm out of my marriage recently and it's been tough and for me, a lot of baggage around sex. I have been sexting and have a couple of FWB and my counsellor, once happy I wasn't being impulsive or overly risky etc, said to try and learn from these experiences. And I am, I have discovered my boundaries, and how it feels to have them challenged or when I lower them how that made me feel etc. I've learned to speak up about what I want, so it's not all about them and I'll call out shitty behaviour and walk away on my terms. I'm a pleaser, so that's progess.

Now, I'm aware that you're experience is different to mine and I can't begin to compare, but I guess I'm trying to say that it doesn't have to be a case of this is right or wrong, shameful or empowering, risky or not. IT doesn't have to be something you continue to do, it doesn't define you. You can stop and reflect on it as a period of time where you did that thing and now you've moved on.

But if you can, try and think about how it makes you feel, what do you get from it, are there times you've felt it's gone too far.

You don't owe anyone anything, so if you decide to stop, then just stop.

Badbaddog · 10/02/2022 08:28

It’s a phase I went through too OP in my journey away from XH. No shame in it at all, you are rediscovering yourself and how you relate to other people. Please don’t beat yourself up. No head shots, lots of fun, enjoy the process until you are ready to move to the next stage.

Getbehindme · 10/02/2022 08:31

Check out The Holistic Psychologist- Dr Nicole Le Pera if you are interested in some self help.

Itwasntmeright · 10/02/2022 08:36

OP I think you need to get yourself off all the dating apps until you’ve had time to find some counseling and work on yourself. There should be a self referral well-being service in your area who you can contact for a start. Go and talk to your GP as well. Ignore all the posts on here telling you to have fun and drop the shame, it’s not about shame, despite what all the cool girls tell you sending intimate pictures of yourself to strangers on the Internet is not healthy, and it’s not The sign of a woman who respects herself. You need to feel wanted and valued, that is understandable, but these men don’t value you, they just see you as wank fodder. For your own sake please seek some therapy to help you get over the trauma you’ve been through.

In the meantime can you take up a new hobby to give you something to focus on? Buy a keyboard and learn to play, or learn to draw, or take a Zumba class, anything. You deserve to be loved and valued, but you aren’t going to find it by debasing yourself to random men on dating apps, you’re just going to store up more guilt for yourself.

Good luck OP, you’ve actually done something incredibly difficult by leaving this horrible man. You’ve already shown that you are a strong woman. The next bit will be hard but it can be done, and you deserve to be happy and to have respect, from yourself and other people.

To the posters telling a vulnerable woman who has just escaped an abusive relationship to drop the shame and enjoy sending intimate pictures of her body to random men, shame on you.

TheFoundation · 10/02/2022 10:54

I felt low and want to value myself more but find it hard after the emotional abuse from my ex husband

You know how, when you're in a relationship, your partner does things that make you feel validated? What would those things be for you, ideally? Obviously you've got the validation during sex, and you've spotted that that's why you've formed a habit, but what was the actual validation you got? What would it be like in your fantasy relationship? What would your perfect partner do for you that would make you feel really special?

Badbaddog · 10/02/2022 11:36

@Itwasntmeright

OP I think you need to get yourself off all the dating apps until you’ve had time to find some counseling and work on yourself. There should be a self referral well-being service in your area who you can contact for a start. Go and talk to your GP as well. Ignore all the posts on here telling you to have fun and drop the shame, it’s not about shame, despite what all the cool girls tell you sending intimate pictures of yourself to strangers on the Internet is not healthy, and it’s not The sign of a woman who respects herself. You need to feel wanted and valued, that is understandable, but these men don’t value you, they just see you as wank fodder. For your own sake please seek some therapy to help you get over the trauma you’ve been through.

In the meantime can you take up a new hobby to give you something to focus on? Buy a keyboard and learn to play, or learn to draw, or take a Zumba class, anything. You deserve to be loved and valued, but you aren’t going to find it by debasing yourself to random men on dating apps, you’re just going to store up more guilt for yourself.

Good luck OP, you’ve actually done something incredibly difficult by leaving this horrible man. You’ve already shown that you are a strong woman. The next bit will be hard but it can be done, and you deserve to be happy and to have respect, from yourself and other people.

To the posters telling a vulnerable woman who has just escaped an abusive relationship to drop the shame and enjoy sending intimate pictures of her body to random men, shame on you.

Wow so you’re encouraging both OP and me to feel shame? Are you a man by any chance? Or just a misogynist?

OP, it’s a learning curve. How you are feeling after sending photos or having a ONS is called ‘shame’ by society, and you’ve internalised that. Maybe phrase it instead as ‘not good’, in which case learn that lesson and move on to finding what does genuinely, lastingly make you feel good.

As I said, I’ve been where you are and that phase didn’t last long, but it taught me a lot about myself and what I wanted/needed.

Itwasntmeright · 10/02/2022 12:04

No and no, and if that’s what you took from my post then I don’t think the problem is on my side.

CupOfNiceTea · 10/02/2022 12:11

Itwasntmeright is spot on 100%

KimCheese · 10/02/2022 12:18

I'm in agreement with badbaddog here.

I actually think you've jumped to a lot of assumptions about the OP which are also potentially not that helpful.

What some of the PPs have sought to do, is assure the OP to not feel bad about this, and most are encouraging the OP to explore what this might mean and also to conclude that if it's not healthy for her, let go of what's done.

I don't think anyone is under the illusion that sexting someone ISN'T 'wank fodder'. What do you expect we think is happening here? That he sleeps with it under his pillow and dreams of our wedding day?

Of course, it can be unhealthy, it can be addictive, you can lose your boundaries. I don't think anyone is encouraging that.

Itwasntmeright · 10/02/2022 12:20

If the OP thought this was healthy positive behaviour and she didn’t have concerns, she wouldn’t have posted, would she.

KimCheese · 10/02/2022 12:29

Of course, I can see that.

I just feel the tone of your post was a little condescending to her, and abrasive to the PPs and leads me to think that you're judgmental of anyone who partakes in something like this - your comment about self respect in particular.

irene9 · 10/02/2022 12:31

OP maybe you are pairing 'love' or 'affection' with a need to share your physical body, either through pictures or sex.
It's the only bait you can use because you don't rate your personality very much. Or even know yourself that well. You can rely on your body fairly well, but you are a bit shaky on the old 'am I an acceptable person' thing.
There are probably learned responses that you picked up as a very young child in your family. Maybe you were only appreciated (maybe by your Dad) for how you looked, what you achieved.
That looking 'good' seemed to be a good way to get attention and affection. It also gets you 'safety' by being in a relationship. Even abusive relationships can seem 'safe' if your idea of safe is that you need to have a man at all costs.
Your 'inner self' therefore gets hidden. The part you show to the world relies heavily on your appearance and your ability to attract and relate to men via their visual or sexual interest in you.
Maybe your mother tended towards this pattern too. A heavy reliance on a man as the carer and 'Dad' figure.
Maybe you were unconsciously taught that men are 'better' than women and that you need a man to have a life.
That somehow you are not a complete person if you don't have a man.

Some therapy would help a lot to figure out these patterns of responding and help you to see other parts of yourself that have been submerged. As you say you found it hard to verbally relate your feelings in the group sessions. You'd find this a lot easier one to one.
Perhaps a therapist who mentions psychodynamics in their training.