Why did you leave?

[Juggle6]

Just that really- if you have, what made you leave your relationship?

He suggested I eat food off the floor that he had thrown in a tantrum.

What's your story OP?

He didn't care about me

@AfraidToRun I have no story at the moment but I’m contemplating it and have done for years. Things are sometimes fine and then it’s crap again. We have two children and so that makes it trickier. We don’t have a sex life- I’m not sure the reason. I had a traumatic birth and so I’m not sure if that hinders things but then things have happened over the years that have made me resent him and makes me not want him to come near me. He did go with a prostitute a few years ago but I forgave him and if I’m honest, after that I disconnected with him and did go on a date behind his back but nothing happened at all physically. I did remember feeling elated that I felt interested in someone again because I felt that low. He’s spent a lot of the time since we’ve had children getting angry about the same things over and over- it’s like walking on eggshells. I don’t feel that he respects my career and has recently accused me of walking out of the door ‘carefree’ in the mornings compared to him. It’s tough, it feels heavy and I definitely find that for a lot of the time I fantasise but then completely panic about moving on with my life.

OP - I don't have kids and realise it's much more complicated logistically, financially and legally to leave a relationship when you do but it will be better for you and them in the long run. From a young age I longed for my mum to leave my miserable, critical sometimes violent father. I was fascinated by a friends parents who were divorced (my first encounter with this at age 5 or 6) and think mum do this! She put up with him for years in the same vein and only moved out after he had an affair and told her he didn't love her anymore (the audacity, hey!).

25 years on she has absolutely flourished without him. She's embraced her spirituality (which he used to pour scorn over) and become one of the most positive, compassionate, life-affirming people imaginable. If she'd stayed she'd probably be a husk of a person with all of the joy and life blood drained out of her by him (think one of Harry Potter's dementors but supercharged!)

Good luck whatever you decide to do xx

So. I had this permanent not right in my tummy.

@justbegoodforme have you read a book 'It ends with us'? You might find it very relatable.

He needed to grow up. I lost all attraction and had to leave.

Because I was being sexually, psychologically, emotionally, physically and financially, abused. I was being very badly controlled. I was an empty shell and I wasn't sure of my opinions, what I really believed in, who I was etc I am severely mentally ill as a result.

Various reasons for leaving relationships. I couldn't deal with how dull my life would be with one of them

A 6 year campaign of domestic abuse that escalated rapidly in the final 6 months.

That sounds like a very difficult and uncomfortable place to be. On a grander level I left my ex because I knew I could never be my authentic self with him. He always seemed to be putting me down, he was a constant weight in my shoulders and often would be a physical representation of the negative voice in my head. Does that sound familiar?

That was my husband. The other boyfriends:

1. He dumped me telling me he’d never loved me. He did this while I was abroad...
2. ex husband (see above)
3. he cheated
4. he moved his ex wife back in (I.e he cheated)
5. he cheated
6. he accidentally sent me a FB message that gave away that he was on POF!
7. he was REALLY WEIRD and gathered all my clothes together post sex and flung them in my face. No idea why.

1.cheated and violent

1. Alcoholic -his pal ‘Stella’ was more important plus he cheated

He became obnoxious and unkind as if trying to convince me of my unimportance. Kept making sly digs. From snippets of things he said he seemed to have grown resentful that I had a bright future ahead and would overtake him (I did). When I did dump him he panicked and kept calling me but I was gone for good!

Another one - nice enough but a perpetual teenager. Musician with no real interest in anything else (degree, work etc) but would get all "poor me" when those things went tits up. Relied on me to be sensible. Moved away from where we were living to go back to his mum's because it was free but expected me to travel there every weekend and pay for us to go out. Was astonished that I didn't want to and found a proper grown up someone else. Told me I'd be sorry when he was a famous rock star. (He isn't and I'm not!)

Above all because it was impossible to resolve conflict with him. No relationship is without conflict and disagreement, so you have to be able to handle it in a decent way.

He never showed signs of being able to move past his own defensiveness/blaming/attacking. Whether it was big things or little things.

We're divorced and it was 100% the right thing to do.

[quote aLittleL1fe]@justbegoodforme have you read a book 'It ends with us'? You might find it very relatable.[/quote]
I haven't but I will look at getting a copy. Thank you for the recommendation.

In order of long term relationships..

1. Cheated. Lies. Drugs. (BF)
2. He moved to Australia (BF)
3. No longer IN love. (EX H)
4. He beat me, lied, mental/emotional abuse. Called names every day. Put me down. Grand narcissist. (EX H)
5. Raging alcoholic (drank 4-5 bottles of wine every night and secretly put Vodka in water bottles so I wouldn't know). Abusive when drunk. (BF)
6. Cheated. (BF)
7. Cheated. Lied. Never loved me. Mentally and emotionally abusive. Made sure I knew daily how unhappy he was. Would dump and block me all the time. (Engaged)

And that's how that goes ..
I am now so destroyed from being so in love with my last ex and realising I was never loved back I am pretty confident in saying - I'm done with men.

Lack of thought / consideration for OUR children. Didn’t prioritise their needs, put himself first.

I was a convenient, didn’t feel loved or even respected at times. He didn’t have our back, I was very very lonely. Much better on my own

I left because my ExH was

• bullying
• nasty
• jealous
• controlling
• gambling
• sex pest
• deliberately sabotaging of anything good in my life
• moody
• quite low intelligence (I know he couldn't help this one and it says a lot about my own self esteem)

1. Emotionally cold, financially controlling, dull, sex pest
2. Drinking and gambling issues, stalker tendencies, unreliable, man child
3. Selfish, lazy, unsupportive, made my life incredibly stressful then claimed it was down to me

I was constantly planning the “right time” to talk to him about stuff. Figuring out “the right way” to say stuff. Figuring out the “best time” to approach finance discussions and childcare decisions. I never got it right. Must be me getting it wrong, right?

Til I realised it wasn’t me it was him, he did not give a flying fuck and was treating me and our daughter like annoying tenants. I would come back home after visiting family and walk into this cold atmosphere. I was starting to absorb it, and think I must be annoying, too opinionated, over organising… I am none of those things. When I would go home (to another country) and have people chat to me, ask me for my opinion - and listen - and carry on chatting, I started to see the really weird life I was living overseas (in the UK, with a prick of an Englishman) … after him collecting me from the airport and treating me to almost silent treatment in the car, with a few polite questions through gritted teeth with my replies ignored, I could have recited Humpty Dumpty and he would not have flinched… I woke up. FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!!

Quickly discovered a double life; weekly prostitutes, viagra (can’t get an erection without), huge gambling problem. What a catch!!!!!!!!!

And that was it! He was a misogynist, controlling abusive menace that hasn’t paid a cent in child maintenance since we left. And he’s pathetic. I am not remotely afraid, concerned, or bothered by his existence anymore.

I had to hide all my success. He's envy knew no bounds and he only dealt with it by attacking me.

My ex:

1. Cheated and lied to me.
2. Cheated and lied to his ex
3. third ex completely ignores him probably for the same reasons.

Me:

Ex 1 as above
Ex 2 we grew apart after 10 years
Ex 3 we wanted different things.

Because I was unhappy. Period.

I wasted years of my life trying to save my marriage because that’s what you do and I have a child. It turns out that by keep trying we were both doing a huge disservice to our son and to ourselves.

You don’t need something gross, drastic or big to leave, it is all those little but constant things and issues that time has proven won’t change that need to inform your decision. You don’t need to pretend your relationship is perfect until he cheats or starts beating you. The fact you are not happy is enough, as nobody can raise happy well rounded children while being constantly unhappy.

@GrandmasCat

Because I was unhappy. Period.

I wasted years of my life trying to save my marriage because that’s what you do and I have a child. It turns out that by keep trying we were both doing a huge disservice to our son and to ourselves.

You don’t need something gross, drastic or big to leave, it is all those little but constant things and issues that time has proven won’t change that need to inform your decision. You don’t need to pretend your relationship is perfect until he cheats or starts beating you. The fact you are not happy is enough, as nobody can raise happy well rounded children while being constantly unhappy.

Thank you for this @GrandmasCat - it's really important. I know there are often people (including on here) who say don't throw away an essentially 'good' man, but everyone deserves to be happy. I working hard to apply this to myself right now. It's not easy and there is a lot of guilt around the idea that what I have should be enough.