My fiancé doesn't want kids/he doesn't know

womanx · 2022-02-09T19:44:48+00:00

I am so confused on what to do My fiancé is saying to me he doesn't want kids then maybe he does in the future am 24 now but I know I want children but I don't want to loss my partner I need help

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/02/2022 19:48

At 24, you chill out. But don't marry him unless you get a clear answer.

At 34, you cut and run.

Allpenguinsarepingus · 09/02/2022 19:49

Honestly I would dump him and start again with someone who does want children. At 24 you have plenty of time for that. Don’t compromise on children. It will make you miserable.

What would he do if you got pregnant accidentally (this is not a suggestion - it’s a scenario you should ask him about)?

Allpenguinsarepingus · 09/02/2022 19:51

Cut and run before 34 OP. At 24 you can absolutely give it a few months for him to think about it, for you to think about timescales - would you like kids in your 20s or 30s? But don’t hang around for years in a relationship that will ultimately make you miserable.

Lindy2 · 09/02/2022 19:54

If you want children and he doesn't then I'm afraid your relationship doesn't really have a future.

Even if he does change his mind, which absolutely isn't certain, I would always doubt how committed he was to family life.

I really think it's a fundamental part of a relationship to have the same aspirations regarding starting a family. I couldn't have been in a relationship with someone who didn't want children.

Luckily you are young enough to move on and find someone who wants the same things out of life as you. 24 is still very young.

MommaJP · 09/02/2022 20:01

You need a clear answer. If it is defo something you want and he doesn't then you need to respect it but best to walk away. Don't want to put what you want on hold to be promised for it to then never happen.

Original poster

womanx · 09/02/2022 20:05

@MrsTerryPratchett

At 24, you chill out. But don't marry him unless you get a clear answer.

At 34, you cut and run.

I won't marry him until I know for certain because I don't want to marry him for it to go wrong if he decides he doesn't want them

OP posts:

Marty13 · 10/02/2022 01:17

Hey OP. It's hard if you feel strongly for him, isn't it ? But I agree with everyone else. Don't stay with him if you can't agree on this. Even if you don't want children right away, you don't want to invest time and emotions into a relationship that can't work out. Also, if he agrees to have kids, you need a clear timeline. I've seen women on here in similar situations who were strung along for years (until it was too late in some cases) because their partner didn't want to leave the relationship but didn't want kids so lied about it.

WTF475878237NC · 10/02/2022 01:21

Is he 24? The male brain doesn't finish developing until mid 20s so any answer you get from him now isn't really worth much. I'd wait until closer to 30 to leave but agree not to get married just yet. Many men aren't sure what they want at this life stage and it's possible to outgrow each other if you met as teens.

JustKittenAround · 10/02/2022 01:43

If you for sure want children then you’ll have to break up.

There are a lot of reason why he could be saying this but most of all know that he is saying that he does not want children or isn’t sure about children WITH YOU.

It hurts but you’re wasting time with him. Precious time.

Time for you to decide for yourself and model yourself as the mother you’d like to be.

My two cents

JustKittenAround · 10/02/2022 01:45

PS I wouldn’t waste time. Fertility window is a thing and you also need the time to date and vet a potential life partner… not to mention right now you’re the most “marketable” in the first go around dating world.

Don’t waste your 20s

LHReturns · 10/02/2022 01:47

Could he be getting cold feet about getting married? So this is a way to kick the can down the road?

Aquamarine1029 · 10/02/2022 01:53

Don't waste your youth on a man who fucks you around. Don't be one of those women who waste years on some feckless man who just strings them along. Be confident in what you want and go find it.

Monty27 · 10/02/2022 01:55

How old is he?

SelkieQualia · 10/02/2022 02:14

Every second day there's a post on mumsnet by a woman in her mid 30s whose husband has been stringing her along for years, and has just declared that he really doesn't want kids. He's told you what he wants from life, and it's incompatible with what you want. I wouldn't waste more time on him.

Musttryharder2021 · 10/02/2022 07:29

@JustKittenAround

PS I wouldn’t waste time. Fertility window is a thing and you also need the time to date and vet a potential life partner… not to mention right now you’re the most “marketable” in the first go around dating world.

Don’t waste your 20s

@JustKittenAround

Totally agree with this. And absolutely one is far more "marketable" worthy in their 20s. Youth and fertility appear to be very prized above all else. It's sad but true.

Original poster

womanx · 10/02/2022 07:51

We're both 24

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 10/02/2022 07:58

What 24 year old guy wants kids? xD he'd have to be nuts.

Just don't marry him until further down the line.
24 is too young to be thinking about weddings and kids anyway in this day and age.

Go live life, travel, study, have an adventure. Marriage can wait another 4 years. Kids, longer.

Pinkbonbon · 10/02/2022 08:01

Oh and not saying you need to stick with him BTW. But maybe just treat him as fun and company for now if you do. If in a few years he is still unsure, cut and run. But for now, id say just enjoy it for what it is.

Phrowzunn · 10/02/2022 08:25

How long have you been together? I don’t really understand how you get to the point of agreeing to marry him without having decided what you both want from life. Getting married is (supposed to be!) about agreeing to spend the rest of your lives together so it seems really bizarre to plan to do that without actually having planned what that life will look like..? All of these things need to be decided before marriage - kids, finances, if you’ll go back to work, priorities re careers vs children, getting on the housing ladder, living near family, life insurance, parenting styles, and so much more! I would agree with PP that at 24 you mightn’t need to worry about all of this quite yet but when you’re already engaged it seems utterly bizarre that you haven’t had these conversations. It doesn’t sound like you’re ready to be engaged. Was it just an ‘obvious next step’ type thing?

pog100 · 10/02/2022 08:53

@Pinkbonbon

What 24 year old guy wants kids? xD he'd have to be nuts.

Just don't marry him until further down the line.
24 is too young to be thinking about weddings and kids anyway in this day and age.

Go live life, travel, study, have an adventure. Marriage can wait another 4 years. Kids, longer.

That's just not true. Many, many men are clear at 24 and indeed their whole lives, that they envision a future with kids and a family. Too actually have kids at 24, maybe not, but then neither does the OP.

layladomino · 10/02/2022 08:54

As pp said, this is something you absolutely have to have ironed out before you get married. And properly ironed out, so both people are clearly and happily on the same page. If not, it can lead to marriage break-up later on (or one person 'giving in' and not living the life they wanted).

It's something that you are having this conversation before getting married, and great that you are clear you won't get married without sorting it out.

As a pp said, he could be saying this as a way to delay / avoid marriage. Or he could genuinely not know (many 24 year olds don't yet know if they want children). If that's the case, he's just being honest.

If everything is great in every other way, you could make clear to him that you DO want to have children, and will only stay together if he wants the same. However you accept at 24 he may not yet know, so you will give it a bit more time if he genuinely isn't yet sure. Put the engagement / wedding on hold.

If you have any other doubts other than this, then best to move on asap and not waste any more time with someone that you know you can't be with long term.

SVRT19674 · 10/02/2022 09:19

OP at your age I was in a relationship with someone who was really future faking. I would never be in a relationship with someone who didn´t want children. I would ditch him for that. You need time to get over the relationship and meet someone else on the same page as you and that will take a little time. I ditched mine at 26, best thing I ever did. Oh if I could go back in time hand have a convo with my younger self. My younger self wouldn´t like it though...

Beamur · 10/02/2022 09:22

Don't get married until you know for sure. Kids are a deal-breaker.
Give it another year or so, but after that if you two still aren't on the same page I would rethink whether you want kids more or less than you want to be with this man.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 10/02/2022 09:25

Does any 24 year old definitely know they don't want children? How is your relationship otherwise?

LlamaLucy · 10/02/2022 09:28

Chill. Don’t bring this topic up again with him, and focus on building your relationship and working out if he’s marriage material. Likewise - he sounds like he’s trying to work the same thing out about you, if he is still yet to propose.

You’re saying, ‘I won’t marry him if he doesn’t want kids,’… right now, that’s not even on the cards from what you’ve said so far - has he even proposed yet? You’re getting well ahead of yourself, and acting as though truly loving your dh and being committed forever to the man you marry in the future, is not as important as the chance to have kids with a random stranger.

Personally, I think the most worrying thing here is that you don’t love your partner enough to commit to him 100%. If you’re happy to leave him because of his ambivalence, then maybe you’re not as in love as you should be, to consider marriage.

Your expectations of life sound solidly set, and you may be setting yourself up for disappointment (That wasn’t supposed to sound like a Chinese fortune cookie!) 😂 Point is; one person is never fully in control in a marriage of two.

When the time is right, you’re all set up, both properly committed, he may really start to trust that you’ll always love him no matter what - only then will he imagine himself in a more vulnerable situation - and putting all his eggs in your basket, by getting married. Maybe then he’ll become broody. And if not, then, that’s his decision.

Right now, he rightly feels that you’ll leave him if he gives you the wrong answer, but, to his credit, he won’t lie, to tell you what you want to hear. What he needs, is to feel 100% stability and commitment from you - as he knows, that that’s the only environment in which chn can be considered.

Personally, I would rather maintain the relationship with my dh who I love dearly, than throw him away for the un-guaranteed chance of possibly having kids with someone else - a fictional person, who you haven’t even ascertained exists yet.

Life’s good either way, you’ve got to roll with it, and count the blessings that you DO have, not brood over the ones you don’t.