Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

My fiancé doesn't want kids/he doesn't know

44 replies

womanx · 09/02/2022 19:44

I am so confused on what to do
My fiancé is saying to me he doesn't want kids then maybe he does in the future am 24 now but I know I want children but I don't want to loss my partner I need help

OP posts:

Branleuse · 10/02/2022 09:28

I think you need to have a proper talk. Ask him to be honest with you and not mess you around. If he really doesnt think he will want kids or if he just thinks the time isnt right.
I think most people know by this age whether they can see it in their future or not

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/02/2022 09:33

Dh and I were both clear we wanted marriage and kids from about that age. We married and started a family at 26.

He doesn't need to be ready for kids right now, but be able to know whether he plans it in the future and sees you as the person he wants to do that with.

Please don't wait til you are 34.

CrackerGal · 10/02/2022 09:44

@womanx

I am so confused on what to do My fiancé is saying to me he doesn't want kids then maybe he does in the future am 24 now but I know I want children but I don't want to loss my partner I need help

How old is he?

Skeam · 10/02/2022 09:48

@Pinkbonbon

What 24 year old guy wants kids? xD he'd have to be nuts.

Just don't marry him until further down the line.
24 is too young to be thinking about weddings and kids anyway in this day and age.

Go live life, travel, study, have an adventure. Marriage can wait another 4 years. Kids, longer.

This.

ShadowPuppets · 10/02/2022 09:51

@Pinkbonbon

What 24 year old guy wants kids? xD he'd have to be nuts.

Just don't marry him until further down the line.
24 is too young to be thinking about weddings and kids anyway in this day and age.

Go live life, travel, study, have an adventure. Marriage can wait another 4 years. Kids, longer.

As @pog100 says, it’s not about wanting kids now. DH and I met at 22 and 26, we both would have been appalled at the idea of kids then

but both made it clear early that it was something we wanted eventually. We didn’t actually have DC1 until we were 31 and 35.

MerryMarigold · 10/02/2022 09:59

I think the difficulty is that it could go either way. At 24 my BIL thought he wanted kids but just not for a while (and Dsis got married), by 30 he'd decided he did not and it was really awful for several years. In the end his Dad persuaded him to have one for my Dsis sake. But that's that. No more.

Pinkbonbon · 10/02/2022 10:03

Yes but a lot of people won't even have considered if they want kids at 24. Because it isn't really relevant to them atm.

Some people are much more go with the flow.

Branleuse · 10/02/2022 10:08

Having children is time limited for women. Its very sensible to consider this now rather than get in any deeper with someone who doesnt have the same future in mind.
Its not about not being commited enough. Life isnt a romantic story where love conquers all. Its important to consider whether the one you choose as a life partner has similar values and goals.

Juniper68 · 10/02/2022 10:12

My sons are 21 and 24 and both want dcs. I tell them not to as you worry so much forever! But they will once they settle down. They adore dcs. I didn't want any until late 20s and exdh was 30s.

LavenderAskew · 10/02/2022 10:19

@Allpenguinsarepingus

Honestly I would dump him and start again with someone who does want children. At 24 you have plenty of time for that. Don’t compromise on children. It will make you miserable.

What would he do if you got pregnant accidentally (this is not a suggestion - it’s a scenario you should ask him about)?

Not sure that's best, because if she dies because accidentally pregnant- which happens - he will accuse her of doing in on purpose.

I would suggest, OP, instead asking him now what measures he is planning on taking to prevent an unwanted pregnancy.

Original poster

womanx · 10/02/2022 13:03

Guys it's not like we haven't planned are wedding and are not inlove he said he will have a child for me but that makes me feel like am forcing him into it even though he said he would rather have a child with me than loss me

OP posts:

Juniper68 · 10/02/2022 15:08

womanx so what do you think the answer is?

Wreath21 · 10/02/2022 15:42

TBH you are waaaaay too young to be engaged or contemplating marriage or children - go and live your life (with or without this man) for a few years. He's not hugely unreasonable to be unsure about parenthood at 24 either. However, if you get past about 27 and you are still with him and you still want children that would be the time to have a serious discussion and a serious think about which matters more to you - this particular relationship or having children. (Neither of these is the 'wrong' priority, it's what you want that matters).

catscatscatseverywhere · 10/02/2022 16:10

@womanx

We're both 24

When I was 24, my (now) husband was 29. I didn't even know if I want to get married. 6 years later we're married, planning to get pregnant this year. Give yourself some time and give him some time, 24 is very young.

Notwithittoday · 10/02/2022 16:15

It depends why he’s saying it. He could be saying it because he no longer wants to marry you and thinks that’ll put you off. When’s the wedding?

layladomino · 12/02/2022 18:31

Please don't have a child with someone who doesn't want them / is doing it for you.

Don't saddle a child with a parent who didn't want them.

PlanetNormal · 12/02/2022 18:39

How old is he? If he’s the same age as you, he’s perfectly normal. Most 24 year old men can’t even imagine being fathers. He may, or may not, change his mind.

If I were you, I would make it very clear to him now that you definitely want a family so he knows the score. If everything else is good in the relationship then you can get on with making the most of being young & childfree for a few more years. At some point, however, you will reach a fork in the road. He either changes his mind and you can marry and have a family or he doesn’t and you will both have to accept that you want different things and that this issue could be a deal-breaker.

Stressedout1009 · 12/02/2022 18:47

Sorry but I think the issue here is you. I had my first at 34 and sure as hell didn't even think of having a child at 24. I would have been horrified if someone suggested that they needed a clear answer from me as I probably would have said I don't want kids. It took a good 10 years for me to actually want children. I don't think your boyfriend has done anything wrong here.

hotchocandtwosmokybacon · 12/02/2022 22:01

At what age do you want to have kids? Why do you need an answer now? Maybe if you want a child now, you need to date a man in early 30s who will know more certainly if he wants kids or not. Very rarely will a man at 24 know for sure he wants kids.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread