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Original poster

Emotional affairs

37 replies

mayajay · 09/02/2022 16:12

Would be interested to hear about people's stories/experiences/thoughts on emotional affairs, good or bad.

OP posts:
Angrymum22 · 09/02/2022 18:17

Bad. It is really difficult to cope with the knowledge that you partner/ loved one is telling someone else how much they love them. Soul destroying, particularly when an otherwise sane person is acting like a love struck teenager.

Sonaftersonafterson · 09/02/2022 19:07

Just as damaging as physical affairs, sometimes worse because of the emotions, the connection, talking and sharing thoughts. Emotional affairs can get gushy too... so lots of declarations of love. A hard pill for a betrayed spouse to swallow.

Malibuismysecrethome · 09/02/2022 19:15

Sorry I must be thick but I don’t see the difference
in this type of affair

wordleaddict · 09/02/2022 19:45

Absolutely fucking horrible. DP has one going on right now. So destabilising and worse for me because our whole relationship was based on meeting of minds, shared passions and now there is someone 30 years younger than me and 37 years younger than him lapping up his every word, learning from him, exchanging sexualised poems and paintings with him. Pah. But can't say nothing because they have not DTD. Just makes me feel boring and past it.

katieg03 · 09/02/2022 19:47

I'm not sure that an EA is any "better". I just think both are a vile way to treat people... I wouldn't like it done to me so wouldn't do it to someone else.

WouldYouHaveAproblem · 09/02/2022 20:03

Worse than a one-off shag in my opinion.

EarthSight · 09/02/2022 22:29

@wordleaddict

Absolutely fucking horrible. DP has one going on right now. So destabilising and worse for me because our whole relationship was based on meeting of minds, shared passions and now there is someone 30 years younger than me and 37 years younger than him lapping up his every word, learning from him, exchanging sexualised poems and paintings with him. Pah. But can't say nothing because they have not DTD. Just makes me feel boring and past it.
@wordleaddict Sorry to hear that. That's rubbish, and sad. 37 years younger too. Wtfff???
donesomethingterrible · 10/02/2022 00:26

I am ashamed to say I've been the one acting like a love struck teenager as mentioned above.

I wasn't even aware I was having "an emotional affair" until I joined these forums recently. Never heard of it before.

All I can say is....there are extreme highs and even worse lows when it all ends. I wish I'd never got involved tbh - my mind is completely messed up and I'm unable to think about anything else. It's pathetic and ridiculous - the me I knew 6 months ago would have never imagined that this would happen. It's very bad and has also pointed out a huge void in my marriage.

BluebellsareBlue · 10/02/2022 00:37

@wordleaddict oh my darling, of course you can say something, the emotional mental damage that it's doing to you must be horrendous. Say something now! Tell them ok, it might not be physical but it's an affair and I'm leaving!! Go on my girl, we have you hands held here x

MsDogLady · 10/02/2022 00:58

@wordleaddict, this is emotional infidelity and disloyalty. It’s an affair, so of course you can confront him. Do you plan to stay with this cheat?

Nedclarity · 10/02/2022 01:01

@donesomethingterrible will your marriage recover?

Onthedunes · 10/02/2022 01:13

@wordleaddict

I'm so sorry, I know that feeling but you really must talk to him, you deserve for this to be addressed.

Would you consider enforcing boundaries.

Ladybugzrock · 10/02/2022 06:32

@wordleaddict I’m so sorry. You can say something though. His behaviour is boundary crossing. He is cheating. You can draw a line in the sand if you choose to, you have every right. Flowers

Tears11 · 10/02/2022 07:05

I had one and I'm now with that person. Me and my children's dad simply grew apart. I had zero interest in him sexually. I couldn't share a bed with him because he snored. His personal hygiene was hit and miss. He became lazy and other than work he didn't put his heart and soul into anything anymore. I started thinking the garden will never be done. The new lights will never be sorted. I'll always have rubbish in bags because he will never do a tip run.

Over the road one morning in September was a man doing my neighbours driveway. He smiled and spoke. For the next month whenever he saw me he'd speak. Throw a whitty line at me. Just seemed to be interested. I started getting curious and by the time he left I was pretty sad that I may never know him. About 6 weeks after he left and alot of searching I found his Facebook profile. We hit it off in messages. He had found me attractive and we told eachother how we felt. We ended up messaging for 4 months. Having tons of phone sex. Buying presents. I ended my relationship a month into the 4 months. I knew it was over.

Sadly things were shit despite the fun. He wasn't being honest about certain things. He still kept in touch with an ex. Although nothing physical went on he was head wrecked from the past as she dumped him and rather than accept he needed to move on properly he clung to a friendship with her because he didn't know how to be completely on his own 2 feet.

We ended up rowing over a girl on his Facebook who he was clearly eyeing up. He went off for the summer and we barely spoke. For about 4 months we were not in touch apart from a total of 3 weeks in that time. Then in July last year he appeared on my screen to say hello. I thought he was an idiot for various reasons by then and didn't want to get hurt. But 2 weeks later we arranged a first meet up. We've been together ever since. We have a very rocky relationship and it's not been easy. The ex still keeps in touch and tries to sabotage what we had. She decided 5 months ago she wanted to convince him I wasn't right for him. He luckily didn't allow her to get in between us but he has in the last 2 weeks said she was hinting at them getting back together a few months back.

That's Mt story anyway. Only do it if you are truly done with any partners. End your relationship first. There's no point otherwise. Work on the relationship you have

2DogsOnMySofa · 10/02/2022 07:26

Bad. I think they do as much damage as physical affairs. It's the capacity for deceit that does the damage along with the emotional energy that they take up, that would otherwise be put into the standing relationship.

I always said I'd be more able to forgive a 1 night stand than an emotional affair

Thewookiemustgo · 10/02/2022 07:32

For me this is worse than just physical attraction.
@wordleaddict I agree fully with posters above . Google ‘emotional affairs’ and you will see what this really is. Confront and set boundaries now, his behaviour is totally unacceptable within a marriage. Have a Google and you’ll see why. Your feelings alone are telling you how bad this is. Take care X

Nosnogginginthekitchen · 10/02/2022 07:32

Just as bad. The betrayal is the same but they're convinced they're still a good guy because they haven't stick their dick in someone else.
It ended my marriage.

I'm grateful now, but it destroyed me at the time and left a lot of scars

Original poster
mayajay · 10/02/2022 07:46

@donesomethingterrible

I am ashamed to say I've been the one acting like a love struck teenager as mentioned above.

I wasn't even aware I was having "an emotional affair" until I joined these forums recently. Never heard of it before.

All I can say is....there are extreme highs and even worse lows when it all ends. I wish I'd never got involved tbh - my mind is completely messed up and I'm unable to think about anything else. It's pathetic and ridiculous - the me I knew 6 months ago would have never imagined that this would happen. It's very bad and has also pointed out a huge void in my marriage.

How long has it been since you ended it?

Is the void in your relationship something that you can work on or is it something that you can't move past?

OP posts:
Dollface20 · 10/02/2022 08:01

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as we have concerns about its genuineness.

RedBonnet · 10/02/2022 08:21

I see an EA as the start of a real affair and I can't see how the former could exist without leading to the inevitable physical affair. Unless it was long distance I suppose. So I would react quickly to an EA and either nip it in the bud or end the existing relationship.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/02/2022 12:29

@Tears11

The ex still keeps in touch and tries to sabotage what we had. She decided 5 months ago she wanted to convince him I wasn't right for him. He luckily didn't allow her to get in between us but he has in the last 2 weeks said she was hinting at them getting back together a few months back.

Stop blaming his ex. He could just have blocked her if he actually wasn't interested in the possibility of seeing her again.

You're making out like the poor lamb is a victim of her. She's not 'trying to sabotage' she's chatting him up and he's responding instead of ignoring. Then minimising it before admitting she's 'hinting' at getting back together. If my ex was 'hinting' that I would have told my partner and also blocked the ex as I'm happy in my relationship.

This doesn't sound like a happy or healthy person but relationship at all.

Onthedunes · 10/02/2022 14:20

@Tears11

You are in a precarious possition.

You have exchanged your marriage for a very unstable relationship.

GotBeatenUp · 10/02/2022 14:46

Emotional affair survivor. DP had the EA not me. It was hideous.

Had i been an affair or ONS, it could not have hurt more.

His female friend (?) split up with her long term partner, and he was like a rat down a drainpipe, or at least this is what I think happened.

I have few if any nice memories of him. Was I ever anything other than 2nd best.

donesomethingterrible · 11/02/2022 10:01

[quote Nedclarity]@donesomethingterrible will your marriage recover?[/quote]
@Nedclarity I really don't know. We were already planning to separate before the OM contacted me, it's been a case of him showering me with attention at a really low point in my life. I know it's not an excuse.

BackInBlackAgain · 11/02/2022 10:13

DP had an EA, it broke me. Nothing happened between them but it was the secret phone calls, whatsapps, and for my DP he was trying his best to get into her knickers.

We are still together and in some ways i wish he had cheated as he would have been out of the door, i could never forgive that, where as with an EA he didnt actually do anything and denied his intent. It was a proper head fuck.

To me actual cheating and an EA are as bad as each other. The damage they inflict on the poor innocent partner is heartbreaking.