Emotional affairs

[mayajay]

Would be interested to hear about people's stories/experiences/thoughts on emotional affairs, good or bad.

@BackInBlackAgain

DP had an EA, it broke me. Nothing happened between them but it was the secret phone calls, whatsapps, and for my DP he was trying his best to get into her knickers.

We are still together and in some ways i wish he had cheated as he would have been out of the door, i could never forgive that, where as with an EA he didnt actually do anything and denied his intent. It was a proper head fuck.

To me actual cheating and an EA are as bad as each other. The damage they inflict on the poor innocent partner is heartbreaking.

Also the gushing outpouring of shit that you know they just don’t do in real life. The digital age has really allowed men to say what they “feel”. My DH’s language was so not who he is in real life. It was bizarre reading his texts and messages. Even he admitted that it was all part of a fantasy. His love language is very much about actions rather than words which for him was his saving grace and also why I noticed the change in his behaviour so realised there was something going on very quickly. Our relationship has recovered but it’s not been an easy road.

@mayajay
Ours inadvertently crossed into a physical act 3 weeks ago and the next day I told him I needed time to think.
But every day of no contact made be more miserable as I can't stop thinking of him and it's been unbearable.
He got in touch this week to check how I am doing and if I am honest I think we will remain on friendly terms.

There was many other things wrong with my marriage leading to the question about separating. Lack of sex and passion wasn't one of them as I felt I didn't need it.
However I do now know that I do need that in my life. I don't know if we can just "pretend" that the spark is there when in reality I don't think it has been for years sadly.
I am angry with myself for getting caught up with OM but equally it has taught me something.

Just to add there is nothing romantic/loving about the EA I am involved in, it is purely sexual. Many years of chemistry between us and many missed opportunities in the past.

@donesomethingterrible

Ours inadvertently crossed into a physical act

Taking ownership of your actions is difficult but vital if you are going to mentally work through what's happened.

You write as if it was a passive experience that happened to you, a bystander almost. But it was an active and conscious decision on your part to take part in a 'physical act' - I'm assuming a kiss? Because you have sexual chemistry and have acted on it.

While it's painful to be accountable and take ownership of shitty behaviour, it's empowering too. Literally. It empowers you to stop looking outside of yourself for either excuses or validation and start looking at your own actions and behaviours, which are entirely in your control.

This wasn't inadvertent. You may say it was a mistake, something you regret, a moment of madness etc. but it wasn't inadvertent. It was deliberate.

Depending on what type of marriage or relationship you have, for most people an emotional affair is an act of treason.

The pain of a ONS is horrendous but an emotional affair is a further breach in the defences of a marriage. A marriage is a team, a union, an alliance to further the benefit of your family unit, financially, emotionally and for health.

For most the pain arises by a partner allowing someone to fracture and open up those defences within the relationship. That partner has invited an enemy and allowed their partner to feel unsafe and scared.

The fear that many betrayed partners feel is because they realise they are married to a defector who has willingly invited an invader to cause pain and humiliation.

It is effectively an act of war within the marriage, they may minimise it to be a fracas, a disruption a disagreemnt but it is far more. You have swopped alligence and welcomed another person to effectively batter/beat or destroy your spouse in so many ways.

It's the most disloyal thing you can do within a marriage to not protect your partner. Just with any war, sometimes you can forgive the perpatator, but it may take many years and sometimes there are just not enough years left in the marriage for you to become on friendly terms again.

In my opinion once an emotional affair has occured there really is no way back, the cracks are there and also the fear of your other half inviting another foe to take you down.

It doesn't really matter how or why it ended or how marvellous the affair is, one friendship has been replaced by another and in one way or another the union has been weakened.

The onus is really on the married person to keep those boundaries or barricades up, but many like to think it's the intruders fault.

@BackInBlackAgain

DP had an EA, it broke me. Nothing happened between them but it was the secret phone calls, whatsapps, and for my DP he was trying his best to get into her knickers.

We are still together and in some ways i wish he had cheated as he would have been out of the door, i could never forgive that, where as with an EA he didnt actually do anything and denied his intent. It was a proper head fuck.

To me actual cheating and an EA are as bad as each other. The damage they inflict on the poor innocent partner is heartbreaking.

This.

XP and I are not still together.
I was broken to bits. He was like something possessed.
The OW was 'so nice' and he couldn't 'help it'. He must have told me a heck of a lot of lies, and he was stringing me along and getting a kick out of it.

Had he been a decent man, he would have ended it with me saying it no longer worked for him and that we'd grown apart. Instead he lied and gaslit me, ending in physical violence.

Had he dumped me, I'd have been heartbroken but I would have fond memories. instead I was bewildered, confused and could no longer trust my own judgement of character.

@mayajay if you are thinking of having one keep well away . They cause nothing but pain and hurt

My husband had an emotional affair last year.
It was with a woman from work. It started in the lockdown at the start of 2020, when he was wfh and I was homeschooling the children. My mental health was very poor during that time too.
He said he turned to her as I had no time for him. That I was just busy with the kids and wrapped up in my own illness.
They exchanged lots of texts and he'd phone her late at night when we were all in bed. Then lots of flirting at work once they went back after lockdown.
He said he'd tell her how we weren't getting on. Sounds like they both blamed me for everything. He said she knew him inside out and they had so much in common, and they got on so well.
I knew nothing until March 2021 when he told me he was leaving. He didn't mention anything about her still.
I knew there was more to it and I pushed and after about a week of leaving, he told me he was moving in with her the week after.
I cannot begin to tell you how heartbroken I was. My whole world fell apart. I couldn't physically eat, I didn't sleep for two weeks, I sat and cried the whole time my kids were at school. I functioned for the kids and that was it.
I begged him to come home and we could work it out.
He came home. He told her that he wanted his marriage to work. But they still work together.
To be honest, it's affected me really badly and I can't get over it.
That's not the only problem with us. He's not actually a nice person to me in general and told me that he'd never cut her out of his life because they're great friends, but that he lives me and wants to be with me.
It's all emotional with him. Emotional affair, emotional torment of me.
Anyway, it's a horrible thing to do. It hurts so much more than if he went off and had a one night stand. It hurts that she means so much to him.

Soul shattering. Years later I can forgive what he did and why but I can't forgive what it cost me in my own mental health. I'm a strong person but it took me to a very dark place.
3 years of EA that only came out a year after it ended. Finding out she was the first person he sent a photo and called when our DC was born, that hurt my heart in unimaginable ways. Finding out that someone looked you in the eyes and lied every day for 3 years takes away your trust in yourself, your ability to trust your own judgement.Totally agree with the treason analogy too.
Having said that, in the long term I am a stronger person, I can survive anything and I will never ever let another person cost me that much of my sanity.
We stayed together and have a happy enough life now but it has left an indelible stain, I know he's capable of anything and he knows I am going to always protect myself first and foremost. Together but in a way always separate.

Reading about all your stories I now doubt what I am involved in is an EA. As there is absolutely no mention of his gf not being good enough, in fact she's not mentioned at all as is nothing about his life. So I'm not sure - probably more just flirting and a bit of small talk.

@MaryPoppinsChildminding this is just an awful situation for you, he clearly is an arsehole for thinking he'll be ok to continue working with this woman when it hurts you so much. I'd have to leave him (I know I am in the wrong here atm and so it sounds hypercritical but just being honest).

@RealLemons. I totally agree with you, even if you stay together (as I did too) it kind of snuffs the candle out- that feeling of ‘specialness’ is sort of gone forever and it becomes more of a practical set up. I also think it depends what relationship you have— you could have blown me down with a feather— I actually found out a long time after it was occurring - 10 years- because he had written about it all and stuffed stuff into a drawer— you certainly see someone in a new light- and not a good one. That’s why I pay no attention to people who say it occurs when there are splits in the marriage anyway and one person is unhappy — certainly didn’t seem that way at all in our marriage. It was purely an egotistical infatuation and a distraction at a point when he was feeling down about other aspects of life - like his mother dying

I really do think that they are not admitting to a physical relationship and are gaslighting. If the EA is so intense why don’t they sleep with one another. I just don’t buy it