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Original poster

Getting married after an affair

65 replies

Barra2wq · 09/02/2022 12:54

Hello

I’m looking for a little advice..

Last year I did something I wasn't proud of and had an affair which lasted no longer than a couple of months.

As you would expect, this destroyed my family and my relationship. I know it’s all my fault. My partner has been trying so hard to put this behind him. I see how sad he is every day and I caused that. We have been fighting for the past 10 months to put things right. Some days things are good and some days he finds things really hard.

I have come to my senses and I can see what destruction I caused and have taken full responsibility for the affair and cut all contact with the AP when I disclosed the affair last year.

Fast forward 10 months or so and we are due to get married next month. This is something both of us always planned on doing, not out of guilt or sympathy, but because I love him and see that I made the biggest mistake of my life and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He loves me. He always has and I can really see that now.

Things are good when they are good and I love what we have and feel so lucky we have a second chance.

Our teenage daughter who knows about the affair is refusing to come to our wedding. She wants nothing at all to do with it. She has anxiety issues anyway and hates public events, but I can’t help thinking that the real reason is the affair. She has stated a few times that I know why she won’t come to the wedding.

What can I do?

We don't want to get married without our only daughter not being there, but at the same time we can’t call off the wedding.

I know I caused this mess, but we have worked hard to put things right. I understand you can’t come back from an affair in just 10 months. But we love each other and I don't know how I can get my daughter to see that.

Any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:

AlDanvers · 09/02/2022 13:00

Your daughter will only know this by seeing it. You can't force her to believe you when your actions showed the exact opposite. An affair says you care more about yourself than your partner and family. You may have realised your mistake. It doesn't make the impact disappear.

Personally, I get her pov. The first few years after an affair is a very difficult time. Many people decided to walk away after a few years when they finally realise they can't just move on from it.

I am guess, as well, that as am outside observer of your relationship, she doesn't think its as great as you do.

She is already anxious and yiu want her to attend and event, that she thinks is a farce where at least some attention will be on her.

I think you have made your decision to go ahead. Respect her choice to not attend.

CrinklyCraggy · 09/02/2022 13:04

Hmm. I think your daughter sounds remarkably savvy. Maybe you can salvage things in enough time, but I wouldn't be supporting the marriage of anyone I loved to someone who cheated on him less than a year ago and who is still showing regular signs of the pain it caused him.

Usernameismyname01 · 09/02/2022 13:07

maybe both your and your partner sit down with her and explain that getting married is what both of you want. That you know you have hurt both your partner and your daughter and that is something that you will forever regret but are trying hard to prove that you are sorry and love them very much and that your partner although hurt wants to continue in the relationship and move it on.

Also, did you ever apologise to you daughter for the affair, to the upset it caused her - because it did and has obviously had an impact on her life

Blushinggerbil · 09/02/2022 13:13

You’ll just have to let it go and not have her there I suppose. These are the things to think of first.

Drinkingallthewine · 09/02/2022 13:39

I'm with your DD on this one, sorry.

It's clear she's got no faith in your promises. Only time will rebuild the trust here. Your affair had the potential to blow her entire life asunder. It's just through sheer luck and a forgiving partner that it hasn't.

Why should she partake in celebrations just because you want her to? Especially when it's centred entirely around love, fidelity, and loyalty.

You want someone who made it clear she does not want to be at your wedding, at your wedding. You are showing her that you are still putting your feelings and wants and needs selfishly before the feelings of the people you love.

I think you need to respect her right to her feelings on your behaviour and let her come to trust you again on her timeline, not yours.

CrinklyCraggy · 09/02/2022 13:48

DD probably has some idea of what a wedding should be about and what she'd want from her own marriage and you've just blown that out of the water for her.

It would be very hard to watch anyone in your circumstances make these promises. I'd find it uncomfortable to be at such a friend's wedding. For a teenage DD with all the so much greater implications for her...

Dontbeme · 09/02/2022 14:31

I think you are getting married too soon after your affair, ten months in your DP is probably still struggling with it all and I wonder are they just going along with this wedding in the hope that it will "fix" everything. Did you both have individual counseling after discovery, followed by couples counseling? Did you confess to your partner or did they find out? Honestly I think what you are attempting is like putting a bandaid on a broken leg, I feel very sorry for your DD who should not be in the middle of this, she has made her feeling clear maybe reflect on what she's saying and why she's saying it.

MrTumblesEyebrows · 09/02/2022 14:36

You made your decision and turned her world upside down. She has made her decision. Your actions have consequences. If you really won’t cancel the wedding then you need to accept that she won’t be there. She doesn’t owe you anything and I don’t think 10 months is long enough to get her trust back. You may never get it back unfortunately but that’s on you.

Smidgy · 09/02/2022 14:42

Quite honestly, you need to postpone the wedding until you're all in a better place.

Marmm · 09/02/2022 14:45

We don't want to get married without our only daughter not being there, but at the same time we can’t call off the wedding. those are your only choices really

NowEvenBetter · 09/02/2022 14:52

Is a major factor the fact that it’ll reflect terribly on you that your daughter is absent from your wedding? And you’ll have to answer question as to why?

Why are you getting married to him so soon after your other relationship? That’s barely been any time at all for you to do the massive amounts of work on yourself and even scratch the surface of trying to fix the destruction you chose to wreak.

Sonaftersonafterson · 09/02/2022 14:55

It's going to be uncomfortable for her to watch you in this ceremony centred on love and loyalty knowing what you did less than a year ago. Leave her be. I'm sorry.

I'd also say this. Your DP is nowhere near processing your affair. It takes years to overcome and sometimes it cannot be overcome at all. Getting married now is a mistake, you should wait.

ittakes2 · 09/02/2022 14:55

You have a teen daughter together - if you are not married now what is the rush? I almost wonder if you are experiencing some sort of altered reality you hope keeps going by getting married. If you truly want to be together for the rest of your lives it makes sense until your daughter is ready to. Your affair was only 10 month ago - its red flag to me you are so keen to get married you would even consider doing it without your daughter being ready.

Dillydollydingdong · 09/02/2022 14:58

Your dd needs to stop being so judgmental. This could happen to anybody. We're not all perfect. It might even happen to her when she's older. Tell her you're sorry she won't be there and just go ahead. Good luck with the wedding and have a happy life together.

HollowTalk · 09/02/2022 15:01

Are you sure you and your partner are not hysterically bonding at the moment? I really feel for him.

AlDanvers · 09/02/2022 15:10

@CrinklyCraggy

DD probably has some idea of what a wedding should be about and what she'd want from her own marriage and you've just blown that out of the water for her.

This a so true. My mum changed after my grandad was discovered to be having an affair. Even though she was already married.

She loved her dad and believe if he could do it, anyone could. She never really got over that feeling. I don't think she ever fully trusted anyone again.

I think pp is right, together so long and not married now you are rushing it when you should be taking each days as it comes.

I mean, is she meant to stand there and pretend you are both so in love in ate a perfect couple? Does everyone else know what you did, or is she expected to smile and agree when people say what a lively couple you are?

You have put her in an awful postion. Yet again. Let her decide how she deal with it.

NowEvenBetter · 09/02/2022 15:15

@Dillydollydingdong what do you mean ‘happen to? This wasn’t a chance, freak event that happened to OP, she chose to repeatedly take actions over a period of months. Judgement from anyone is utterly appropriate.

Marmm · 09/02/2022 15:16

@Dillydollydingdong

"Happen to" eh?

Madickenxx · 09/02/2022 15:20

Personally I'd postpone the wedding if that's how my DD felt. 10 months is no time at all when it comes to dealing with such a huge situation. I'd give it a couple of years and try again. Use that time to rebuild the trust not just with your partner but with your DD as well.

Well done to your DD for having strong boundaries and respecting her own feelings.

AlDanvers · 09/02/2022 15:22

@Dillydollydingdong

Theres a huge scale between perfect and having an affair.

Why do people always try and claims those of us, who choose not to fuck other people when in a momentous relationship must think we are perfect. Like there are the only 2 things - perfect or shagging someone else.

She is absolutely right to put herself first rather than have to spend the day pretending her mum and dad are oh so perfect and so happy. She also, has the right not to go to a wedding she thinks is a sham.

Also, she may be concerned her dad might no go through with it and tell everyone instead. If she already gets anxious, she will have thought of loads of different situations.

Who gets married when they or their partner are still recovering for an affair, still sad all the time?

PrettyBluebells · 09/02/2022 15:23

My dh had an affair, we stayed together, I can say I wouldn't have been ready to declare our love for each other publicly within a year. Saying it in private was ok but I'd have balked at him trying to be romantic that soon. I think for your dps sake you need to postpone. He needs to enjoy the day and to feel totally loved, he isn't there yet and your dd can see this.

CrinklyCraggy · 09/02/2022 15:23

I think affair can "just happen" given the right (wrong?) circumstances. I don't think things in life are ever so back and white as evil scarlet woman. However , given those circumstances, getting married 10 months later is highly unlikely to be a good thing, even without the obvious pain it's causing DD.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/02/2022 15:24

Of course you can cancel or postpone your wedding, people do it all the time, and you should. It is far too soon after your affair. Your partner is not in a strong enough place to be getting married. The shock of your betrayal has barely worn off yet. Your daughter is the only one thinking clearly right now.

LesLavandes · 09/02/2022 15:35

Postpone the wedding. Therapy - individuals, couples and family. I think you all need this.

Palmfrond · 09/02/2022 15:44

Let’s hope he doesn’t realise he’s not okay with your affair one year, two years, five years after you enter a legally binding contract with him. Talk about setting yourselves up for the mother of all heart/balls aches

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