Page 2 | Getting married after an affair

FunnyGoingsOn · 09/02/2022 15:45

I'd put off the wedding. Do you really want to get married knowing everyone will be speculating about your affair

SunflowerTed · 09/02/2022 15:48

Personally I think your daughter is right not to attend. I think it's a pollyfilla wedding when you are trying to prove to your husband how much you love him. Sorry but if you loved him so much you would not have betrayed him and caused your already anxious daughter even more distress. You need to stop being selfish and think about others.

MacNTosh · 09/02/2022 15:55

You’ve come to terms with the fact you put yourself first when you had the affair. If you really have learned from that, you’d put the needs of other people you love first, that’s your partner and your daughter. You shouldn’t be going through with the wedding for both their sakes. Even if he thinks he wants this now, it’s not the right thing to do. He needs to repair and recover, he probably wants the reassurance that a wedding brings, but there are other, more tangible ways to do this. It’s very wrong to put your daughter through this, put her first and put the wedding on hold.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/02/2022 15:59

@MacNTosh

You’ve come to terms with the fact you put yourself first when you had the affair. If you really have learned from that, you’d put the needs of other people you love first, that’s your partner and your daughter. You shouldn’t be going through with the wedding for both their sakes. Even if he thinks he wants this now, it’s not the right thing to do. He needs to repair and recover, he probably wants the reassurance that a wedding brings, but there are other, more tangible ways to do this. It’s very wrong to put your daughter through this, put her first and put the wedding on hold.

Well said.

CandyLeBonBon · 09/02/2022 16:27

She probably thinks you'll sound like a hypocrite op, promising love til death parts you or whatever. I can see how it might stick in her throat. Time is your only option on this one.

And of course you can postpone your wedding. It might not be convenient but postponing for a year and taking some time so everyone can heal is probably wise!

AChocolateOrangeaday · 09/02/2022 16:39

This rush to get married after being together so long is screaming of your desire to somehow "right" the terrible wrong you did to your so called loved ones.

It won't and your daughter can see this.

Pretzel1 · 09/02/2022 16:41

I say this a daughter whos mum had an affair and they tried to stay together.. didnt work out.. bad divorce etc. I think your right it may not be fully down to anxiety. How is she at social situations in general? Like can she go out shopping? Does she attend college or school or birthday parties okay? In my experience id say she is still processing it. Affairs cause children a lot more grief than people realise, i think and i dont mean this in a bad way maybe she is still struggling to forgive u herself so she cant see why u and ur partner are now acting like it didnt happen and moving onto marriage. She may feel marriage is too soon after it all happened. This will be raw for your child for a long time. I agree counselling is best if possible or can you get someone she trusts to have a chat with her about how shes feeling. Im sorry to say i agree with others this marriage is too soon after a lenghtly affair and you have admitted yourself some days are still bad even though some are good. I think you both need to prove to your daughter use are in it for the right reasons and this will take years to properly patch up. Getting married isnt the answer right now no matter how much you now realise he loves you and you him. Please think of your child in this.

MrTumblesEyebrows · 09/02/2022 16:43

Does everyone else know you had an affair? She might find the whole thing embarrassing. If they do the affair will overshadow the day and people will definitely be talking about it. She probably doesn’t want to put herself through that.

Hawkins001 · 09/02/2022 16:43

@Barra2wq

Hello

I’m looking for a little advice..

Last year I did something I wasn't proud of and had an affair which lasted no longer than a couple of months.

As you would expect, this destroyed my family and my relationship. I know it’s all my fault. My partner has been trying so hard to put this behind him. I see how sad he is every day and I caused that. We have been fighting for the past 10 months to put things right. Some days things are good and some days he finds things really hard.

I have come to my senses and I can see what destruction I caused and have taken full responsibility for the affair and cut all contact with the AP when I disclosed the affair last year.

Fast forward 10 months or so and we are due to get married next month. This is something both of us always planned on doing, not out of guilt or sympathy, but because I love him and see that I made the biggest mistake of my life and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He loves me. He always has and I can really see that now.

Things are good when they are good and I love what we have and feel so lucky we have a second chance.

Our teenage daughter who knows about the affair is refusing to come to our wedding. She wants nothing at all to do with it. She has anxiety issues anyway and hates public events, but I can’t help thinking that the real reason is the affair. She has stated a few times that I know why she won’t come to the wedding.

What can I do?

We don't want to get married without our only daughter not being there, but at the same time we can’t call off the wedding.

I know I caused this mess, but we have worked hard to put things right. I understand you can’t come back from an affair in just 10 months. But we love each other and I don't know how I can get my daughter to see that.

Any advice would be appreciated

Will all due respect, if you cannot call the wedding off, then the wedding should go on, although I hope before then, you can patch up with your daughter.

All the best op

SarahDarah · 09/02/2022 17:26

@Dontbeme

I think you are getting married too soon after your affair, ten months in your DP is probably still struggling with it all and I wonder are they just going along with this wedding in the hope that it will "fix" everything. Did you both have individual counseling after discovery, followed by couples counseling? Did you confess to your partner or did they find out? Honestly I think what you are attempting is like putting a bandaid on a broken leg, I feel very sorry for your DD who should not be in the middle of this, she has made her feeling clear maybe reflect on what she's saying and why she's saying it.

This. The wedding needs to be postponed (or eventually cancelled if that's the right thing to do). Your boyfriend needs time to properly work through the betrayal. Things could downhill after the marriage once it properly sinks in for him. It's irresponsible to be going ahead with the commitment of marriage so soon. No wonder your poor teenage daughter is behaving like this.

SarahDarah · 09/02/2022 17:27

@SunflowerTed

Personally I think your daughter is right not to attend. I think it's a pollyfilla wedding when you are trying to prove to your husband how much you love him. Sorry but if you loved him so much you would not have betrayed him and caused your already anxious daughter even more distress. You need to stop being selfish and think about others.

100% this.

2DogsOnMySofa · 09/02/2022 17:35

I found out my dm was having an affair when I was 14, I actually knew before they told me. She moved out for 6 weeks and they then reconciled. I can honestly say that i would have refused to go to the wedding in her shoes. I think the feeling of rejection and betrayal, matched with hormones and lack of control meant it took me along time to have a relationship with her. It wasn't really until I was in my 20s we started to bond again.

I think you need to let her make her decision, if she doesn't want to attend then agree but let her know it's what you both want and it will be going ahead.

Walkingalot · 09/02/2022 17:42

Sorry but getting married is a knee jerk reaction/band aid. I'm sure you had always intended to get married but now isn't the right time and your DD knows that. If it's your OH driving this, then somehow you need to convince him that in order to get your DD on board, you both need to convince her that it's the right thing to do - and that takes time.

Opentooffers · 10/02/2022 01:39

So how is it that your daughter got to teenage years without sign of a wedding, then 10 months after an affair, you're getting married? Have you thought about why you didn't get married in the last 10 years or so? Did you want to rock the boat so that some form of action would be taken?
I wonder if you were both coasting through life rather than looking at it, so the affair was excitement Whoops! I had another man inside me for 2 months, is quite long enough of a betrayal, it's more than a passing mistake. I suspect you're on a wave of making up still and feeling lots of guilt. It must be hard to watch someone you care about going through so much pain when you know you are the cause. But, you are maybe focused on that, and marriage is feeling like absolution, when really, you need to take time and focus on why you had the affair in the first place. I think not being married sooner and the reasons why, might be key. Untill you work out why it happened, it could happen again.

ShippingNews · 10/02/2022 01:54

You can't cancel ? Of course you can, weddings get cancelled all the time. With Covid, weddings are the things that did get cancelled / postponed on a regular basis. I'd cancel and re-think later down the track .

10 months is nothing. You say Things are good when they are good which makes me think that there is still some work to be done before you have that big lovey-dovey public celebration of undying love and loyalty. No wonder your DD is unhappy - she knows you had an affair , and now you're expecting her to stand and watch while you swear undying love to her dad .

The fact that you want to do this makes me think that you all need to speak to a therapist.

Grimsknee · 10/02/2022 02:59

Sorry, I'm going to be a bit harsh.
Unless I'm misunderstanding, your DD is the daughter of both of you - meaning you've been together a really long time.... ? Why the urgency to get married NOW?
and to echo other posters - why can't you postpone it? people do that all the time.
I really get the impression you think getting married will, in one fell swoop, "prove" how regretful you are about the affair, and how committed to the relationship you are now, and how much he has forgiven you.
That's not how it works. Forgiveness, repair, and reconciliation are a process, and a process that takes longer than 10 months. You can't make those things happen with a ceremony. Getting married might be part of that process... one day.... but sounds like there are good reasons (including that your relationship appears very up and down) not to rush it.
This is a bit like when people are having relationship problems and they decide to have a baby to fix everything.
I think your DD can see it, and that's why she's objecting. She's allowed to have feelings about it, and to not want to be co-opted into a wedding that's likely to be full of rictus-smiles that scream "This is fine! Nothing to see here!"

AlDanvers · 10/02/2022 04:49

I am going to guess op won't be back because she doesn't like the answers.

I would bet there's a small chance she will come and claim the 17 year old is absolutely fine and has decided, all by herself, that she will be attending and is excited. And that they are all going to live happily any after.

ABitBesottedWithMyDog · 10/02/2022 04:52

If you get married now you are very, very likely to split next year.

Don't do it

Alrightqueenie · 10/02/2022 05:40

Don't get married, spend the money on time apart and therapy. The fact that you had an affair indicates something isn't right in your relationship. Getting married won't fix it, the risk of getting a divorce is quite high if you marry your partner. You need to be honest and deal with your relationship.

Totalwasteofpaper · 10/02/2022 05:46

I'm with @SunflowerTed

We don't want to get married without our only daughter not being there, but at the same time we can’t call off the wedding.

This is a big old lie though isn't it?
Because of course you CAN actually call off the wedding... you just don't fancy it and it's a bit inconvenient.

You should call it off for a variety of reasons. I feel very sorry for your DD.

Sunflowergirl1 · 10/02/2022 05:54

I would call it off. The affair, hurt and issues why you did it are too recent, raw and sounds like unresolved. You will regret it if you do

Ricksteinsfishwife · 10/02/2022 06:15

@Totalwasteofpaper

I'm with *@SunflowerTed*

We don't want to get married without our only daughter not being there, but at the same time we can’t call off the wedding.

This is a big old lie though isn't it?
Because of course you CAN actually call off the wedding... you just don't fancy it and it's a bit inconvenient.

You should call it off for a variety of reasons. I feel very sorry for your DD.

I also agree with this, I’m sorry op, but you totally can call off the wedding you just don’t want to as it’s costly and inconvenient for you.

Personally my view is if you were over the side a few months ago then something is wrong In your relationship. So you need to be focusing on rebuilding it and your family. Rushing into marriage is just ludicrous.

Put your wedding off a year and get it sorted. I’m impressed with your daughter, quite frankly it sounds like she has more sense and morals than her parents.

SpikeySmooth · 10/02/2022 06:25

I have a lot of trust issues in my marriage (different situation entirely, but bear with me) and I'm still not entirely ok with DH four years after the event (not an affair, I can say that). Trust takes YEARS to rebuild, not just with your partner but also with your kids, parents, friends and wider community.

Delay or cancel the wedding. I know access to counselling is very limited at the moment (long waiting lists where I am) but see if you both can organise a session. Your daughter is very wise, she feels betrayed by you and can't understand why you and your DP have decided to do this, and I can only agree with her. It's a sticking plaster. To get married now, a public event, doesn't give out the message you are hoping for. Your DP might feel OK getting married but believe me when I say, there is still going to be a lot of resentment and hurt and it will only cause a lot more problems further down the line.

gonnabeok · 10/02/2022 06:57

As someone who was a teenager when my dad's affair blew up our lives I get where she's coming from to be honest. You have to respect her decision.

For me, seeing my mum crumble after finding out was really hard to watch. My mum had been a strong person before that. I was devastated as I now realised my dad was a liar and I never thought he could do something so cruel. It affected me a lot and it affected my education and shattered my illusion of the person I thought my dsd was.as a teenager you think in black and white. She needs time and you need to give it to her. She has seen her dad hurt and you have shattered her perception of the person she thought you were. It will change over time but it is something you cannot force or speed up.

If she doesn't want to come respect her decision. I totally understand why she feels this way. As a teenager seeing one parent cause the pain of another is very difficult. One day she will probably come around but you forcing the wedding on her will push her away from you even more. Ont do it. She is still angry and upset about what you did. You have to accept and respect her feelings for now.

Momijin · 10/02/2022 07:29

Well you've been together for at least 14 years and have a child and haven't felt the need to get married, but 10 months after an affair you do?

Why haven't you married before?