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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Potential cancer and boyfriend doesn’t seem to care

43 replies

MostlySunnyFocus · 09/02/2022 10:12

I have to go in for a biopsy next week and I am a bit frightened about what might happen after that.

I told my boyfriend of a few years about the procedure over a week ago and said that I was a bit worried. He hasn’t mentioned it since and spends all of his time when we are together talking about what’s happening in his life.

I asked him today if he’d forgotten about it and he told me that he was waiting for me to mention it and if I’d wanted to talk about it I should have brought it up. I told him that it made me feel like he wasn’t very interested when he didn’t even ask if I was feeling ok.

I don’t know, I feel like if it was my boyfriend who was going through this I’d be much more supportive. Am I expecting too much? I appreciate that people have different ways of handling things but this just feels like he doesn’t care.

OP posts:
CorrBlimeyGG · 09/02/2022 10:17

Do you want to keep being reminded about it? It sounds like he doesn't want to make you feel worse by bringing it up.

Electricbug321 · 09/02/2022 10:17

What is the rest of your relationship like? Is he good at talking about his emotions?

He might be heartless but it is more likely he is scared, feels a bit paralysed and doesn’t know what to say, how to act.

Tell him exactly what you need from him in terms of support and see if his behaviour changes. I have been where you are and people often just don’t know how to respond so clam up.

CorrBlimeyGG · 09/02/2022 10:18

Has your doctor discussed how likely it is that you have cancer? Is it a two week pathway referral? The vast majority of referrals made do not result in a cancer diagnosis. I hope you get more reassuring news soon.

Suzi888 · 09/02/2022 10:19

I’m sorry Flowers try not to worry, easier said than done I know.

“I told him that it made me feel like he wasn’t very interested when he didn’t even ask if I was feeling ok. “

What did he reply to that? x

Original poster
MostlySunnyFocus · 09/02/2022 10:25

@CorrBlimeyGG - it’s a mole so yes a two week referral thing. I would have appreciated him at least asking me once if I was doing ok.

@Electricbug321 he isn’t good at talking about feelings and I know I should be more accepting of how he is. When my dad died he was the same but I just really need someone to be there for me right now and I don’t feel like he is.

@Suzi888 - he just said that it was up to me to talk to him about it.

Thanks for your help everyone.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 09/02/2022 10:36

If this is repeat behaviour that you don't like, then you'll have a different view on this, of course.
But in this particular example I'm not sure I'd ask my partner how he was feeling about it, either. I've had moles removed and would only have expected my dp to ask if I was OK if I'd really emphasised that I was very worried and had trouble sleeping or something.

SparklingLime · 09/02/2022 10:38

Why should you be more accepting of how he is?

ravenmum · 09/02/2022 10:38

I know I should be more accepting of how he is
This is not true, however. You could just as easily find a boyfriend that suits you better.

ravenmum · 09/02/2022 10:39

Crosspost :)

Suzi888 · 09/02/2022 12:01

It’s hard to say, whether he’s generally disinterested, doesn’t care, is worried but doesn’t want to upset you/ show you that he is. You haven’t had the biopsy yet, perhaps he is thinking there’s no need to worry yet? Is he going with you?

Is he always like this? distant or cold. Perhaps you aren’t compatible.
My DH would be quite matter of fact, look on the bright side, not discuss it, not mention it and wait for the result. He would come with me though- unless I said I didn’t want him to/need him there. Inwardly though he struggles a bit with anxiety and I know he is worried when he is tossing/turning in bed and having sleepless nights. I probably wouldn’t tell him until I had the results, but that’s my personal opinion/situation.

RantyAunty · 09/02/2022 12:38

How is he is the relationship?

How interested is he in what's going on in your life?

haismfh · 09/02/2022 17:57

Have there been other incidents where he didn't seem to care?
I'm not really sure what you want him to say about it. I mean obviously when it gets round to the day then I'd be expecting him to ask you how you were feeling, asking if there was anything he could do to help - such as giving you a lift to the hospital, collecting you, doing something nice to keep your mind off it.
But I think I probably wouldn't be asking a partner about and would leave it unless they brought it up but then obviously offering support when they did and of course offering practical support on the day.
After the procedure then I'd expect him to be asking it how it went, if anything hurts etc. And an awareness of when results might come through.

drpet49 · 09/02/2022 17:59

I would react the same as your boyfriend.

Canaloha · 09/02/2022 17:59

I'm usually like this with people to be honest:

I asked him today if he’d forgotten about it and he told me that he was waiting for me to mention it and if I’d wanted to talk about it I should have brought it up. I told him that it made me feel like he wasn’t very interested when he didn’t even ask if I was feeling ok

Suprima · 09/02/2022 18:16

Can you just throw the whole man away?

Is there a penis shortage?

Unsupportive when your dad died, doesn’t care that you may have cancer?

What the fuck?!

Suprima · 09/02/2022 18:17

I’m sorry to hear you are going through this btw Flowers

user33323 · 09/02/2022 20:15

Well I would react like him too, I'd ask how it went on the day and I think that is enough. If I had a mole I was getting checked out I wouldn't be particularly worried or expect my partner to check in with me about it after I told them and before the appointment. I haven't done emotional check ins on the several occasions he's had a referral to check for cancer, and he's likely had those because imo he has health anxiety. I don't panic in medical or emergency situations for myself or family like he does, it's just how I am and how a lot of people are. Most moles are harmless, but 50% of people get cancer sometime, I think skin cancer is about 1 in 5, so even if it was that wouldn't worry me, chances are they'll remove it and that's the end of it. If he's not anxious like you, he won't know you are worried or doesn't want to remind you.

Mollymalone123 · 10/02/2022 01:30

Hi op
I am currently being treated for malignant melanoma
It could just be he doesn’t know what to say or like the vast majority of people -he doesn’t take the idea of skin cancer seriously and thinks ‘it’s just skin cancer-like one of the posters above said-they just remove it and people get on with their lives-really has no clue-I wish it was like that.I’ve been unfortunate enough to have breast cancer and malignant melanoma-they are just as bad as each other
Luckily the majority of moles are quickly removed and they’re ok and I hope this is the case for you.they always refer using two week pathway for even the teeniest doubt but vast majority are just odd looking moles.
Wishing you all the best

WTF475878237NC · 10/02/2022 01:36

There are men out there who can talk about feelings and show empathy freely, not hide behind this intention of not acknowledging difficult things to spare your feelings. You could find one of them.

LHReturns · 10/02/2022 01:38

@WTF475878237NC

There are men out there who can talk about feelings and show empathy freely, not hide behind this intention of not acknowledging difficult things to spare your feelings. You could find one of them.
This is so right. There are many good men out there that just don’t know how to have difficult conversations, so choose silence instead. He may genuinely not know what to say…my husband is just like this “she will tell me when she wants to talk about it”.
CharlotteRose90 · 10/02/2022 01:54

Is he maybe not bringing it up as he knows how worried you are? Or maybe he doesn’t know what to say. That’s what I would do and btw I’ve been on the 2 week pathway a few times so I know how you’re feeling. All I can advise is try not to talk about or think about the worse till you get the results. It’s hard but the more you worry the worse you’ll be.

springydaff · 10/02/2022 02:01

People are absolutely crap around cancer - when I had it a GP I knew literally crossed the street! I can't tell you how many super crap things happened, how many people avoided me like the plague 🙄. But people stepped forward I just wouldn't have expected, so things rounded out.

If he's not good with this stuff - how he was around your dad's death should have given you the first clue - he's not going to change overnight. You're going to have to work on it together. You want him to be upfront and there for you but he's more than proved he can't do that - so you're going to have to tell him, step by step? Whatever works for you, but you'll have to take the initiative because he clearly can't.

I hope the outcome/biopsy is good for you x

Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 10/02/2022 02:22

He might be avoiding the topic for your benefit, I'd tell him that you would like to feel cared for and comforted because you are scared. I'd only tell him the once though and then see what he does. If he still seems uninterested then he just doesn't really care and you deserve better.

Etinoxaurus · 10/02/2022 02:31

A few years?! Throw him back. I agree with pp that lots of people are particularly crap around cancer but the fact he’s your bf and he wasn’t there for you when your dad either suggests he’s not the one.
Flowers

IrishKatie1971 · 10/02/2022 08:10

I will never forget my ex clearly stating "I hope you don't have a breakdown when your mum dies". Just WTAF. Maybe your boyfriend finds it difficult to express emotions, a lot of men are like that, but fucking hell when a parent dies it's like STEP UP. A hug, a daily check-in, foot rub, flowers, just the opportunity to sit and be held and heard and for those emotions to be validated and mirrored. He sounds emotionally retarded somewhat. Either that or cruel and doesn't really care much about you. Only you know which it is.