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Original poster

Potential cancer and boyfriend doesn’t seem to care

43 replies

MostlySunnyFocus · 09/02/2022 10:12

I have to go in for a biopsy next week and I am a bit frightened about what might happen after that.

I told my boyfriend of a few years about the procedure over a week ago and said that I was a bit worried. He hasn’t mentioned it since and spends all of his time when we are together talking about what’s happening in his life.

I asked him today if he’d forgotten about it and he told me that he was waiting for me to mention it and if I’d wanted to talk about it I should have brought it up. I told him that it made me feel like he wasn’t very interested when he didn’t even ask if I was feeling ok.

I don’t know, I feel like if it was my boyfriend who was going through this I’d be much more supportive. Am I expecting too much? I appreciate that people have different ways of handling things but this just feels like he doesn’t care.

OP posts:

layladomino · 10/02/2022 08:20

People often treat you as they would like to be treated in situations like this. You said it yourself 'if it was the other way around I would....' and then described what you would do.

He is maybe treating you as he would like to be treated if it was him. And it isn't an unusual approach to assume that someone will bring it up themselves if they want to talk. And they may not want reminders in the meantime. He said that if you want to talk about it, he'll talk about it, so it doesn't sound as though he's heartless.

He is very likely hoping that you will get a good result, and that in the meantime you'll want to carry on as normal and not dwell on something you can't do anything about.

However, if he regularly leaves you feeling uncared for, even after you've spoken to him about it, then I can understand why it would upset you. And perhaps you aren't well matched.

TheFoundation · 10/02/2022 12:03

Tell him what you want. If he doesn't respect that, leave him.

This goes for all other situations, and all other people too.

Maybe he's doing what he thinks is right, maybe his intentions are good, maybe he's trying his best. But if it makes you feel shit, he's not someone you should be choosing to spend time with.

Choose people who make you feel cared for and safe.

WondrousAcorn · 10/02/2022 12:20

So many excuses for this bloke on here. Sounds like the op has made it clear she’d like a little tlc right now so the argument that he’s acting this way for her sake isn’t convincing. He may well feel uncomfortable having to engage with this, but if he can’t do it for his partner there isn’t much hope.

You really do not need to make allowances for him, op. Relationships should be about give and take, not just adapting to the other person. And in this particular situation, the giving should be going in one direction.

ravenmum · 10/02/2022 12:35

Sounds like the op has made it clear she’d like a little tlc right now
If OP really said she was "a bit worried" then it might not be that clear that she's actually very worried. None of us have any reason to "make excuses" for someone we don't know. We're all just trying to make sense of what's going on, and some are wondering if the bf realises what's expected of him.

Avarua · 10/02/2022 12:41

I'd be like your boyfriend. You don't have cancer? You are checking out a mole. You're not "going through" anything? I'd be supportive if it actually was cancer (but not that much unless it was big deal cancer... Cutting out a mole is a minor procedure?)
Are you making this into a bigger medical drama than it actually is?
this is why I'm not a nurse

IWantItThatWay002 · 10/02/2022 12:42

Having had a cancer scare myself last year, I understand how scary it is. My DP didn't bring it up much unless I did, he was very worried too & was there if I was upset or crying but he didn't want to make me more afraid so he tried to remain normal.

I think it's the way most people cope.

Myself having lost a parent when I was young to cancer, I really struggle myself to be there for somebody unwell/possibly unwell as it causes me to be a frightened little girl again & sends flashbacks of seeing my parent at the end of their life. I know that's my problem, not the other person's but some people really find it hard to handle cancer & other illnesses.

I hope that your biopsy comes back fine though. Is there anyone else you can talk to?

WondrousAcorn · 10/02/2022 12:46

Admittedly I was possibly a bit harsh with the excuses comment, raven. I just think there is a lot of trying to see it from the boyfriend’s perspective, when it is op who is facing something worrying. I’m a big worrier and would need some support in this situation.

IsThePopeCatholic · 10/02/2022 12:47

He doesn’t sound like the most emotionally intelligent of men. I couldn’t be doing with that but some women don’t seem to mind. Good luck, op.

Avarua · 10/02/2022 12:50

It's not a "cancer scare"
That's high drama
It's a mole. That's being looked at.

Like getting an ingrown toenail looked at.

TheFoundation · 10/02/2022 12:54

@Avarua

It's not a "cancer scare" That's high drama It's a mole. That's being looked at.

Like getting an ingrown toenail looked at.

It's not up to anybody but OP to word her feelings.

AlwaysColdTea · 10/02/2022 12:56

I'd be like your boyfriend too.

My dad had cancer for years before and I don't think I ever asked him how he was doing with it. His attitude was that he had to live with it. He didn't want to think or talk about it when he didn't have to.

Maybe your boyfriend just doesn't want to remind you of it or bring you down. He'd probably rather be having fun with you amd doing nice things to take your mind off it rather than constantly dwelling on "What if...?"s.

Personally, if it were me, I wouldn't want to be asked about it either. I would totally see any point in doing so unless I knew what we were discussing.

If the biopsy comes back negative then you'll have wasted all that time for nothing. If it comes back positive, you can deal with that, and judge him on his supportiveness, then.

I had a mole removed for investigation about 8 years ago. It was removed on Christmas Eve. I can honestly say I didn't give it a second thought over Christmas until I got the (nothing to worry about) result. I didn't even tell anyone I was having it done!

ravenmum · 10/02/2022 13:00

@WondrousAcorn

I can see why someone míght be worried. But it could be helpful to OP to realise that she may need to be more demanding. I may be projecting, as I know I tend to keep quite about my worries, and it can sometimes backfire. (My current dp can read minds, fortunately. I'd highly recommend someone like that to OP if this is her issue.)

Satingreenshutters · 10/02/2022 13:01

@Avarua

I'd be like your boyfriend. You don't have cancer? You are checking out a mole. You're not "going through" anything? I'd be supportive if it actually was cancer (but not that much unless it was big deal cancer... Cutting out a mole is a minor procedure?) Are you making this into a bigger medical drama than it actually is? this is why I'm not a nurse

This.

Mollymalone123 · 10/02/2022 22:32

@Avarua
Maybe you should look up the cancer statistics for ‘just a mole’ ‘ they’ll just remove it’

Having lost my sister to it years ago because there was no cure for malignant melanoma and still isn’t-if u have it chances are it comes back without immunotherapy
Which is where I am now after having my toe amputated because‘it’s just a mole’ and off work because ‘it’s just a mole’

People are still ignorant of this cancer -it’s one if the fastest growing ones in uk and also one of the deadliest

I have great empathy for the OP whose is worried

Cimone · 10/02/2022 23:21

There is nothing to talk about. You haven't had the biopsy yet! You know nothing more today than you did the day you told him, so why do you need to KEEP TALKING ABOUT NOTHING? That is his perspective and mine as well. He knows you are going for the test. Until the test results come back, there is nothing more to be said. Beating a dead horse over and over again is not going to do anything for either of you. You are entitled to be apprehensive, but expecting him to fall out and fawn over you about what is right now a big unknown and nothing, is a bit much.

EllieNBeeb · 11/02/2022 09:05

If he also didn't care when your dad died, it doesn't sound like he's a very, I don't know, good or deep partner, maybe, and that he just wants a shallow relationship of convenience rather than actually being emotional support when you need. It's better you actually get rid of him now before you're tied to him forever and spend your entire life being emotionally alone. I mean, he left you emotionally alone when your dad died? You deserve better.

Keswick23 · 08/05/2025 22:49

Do you seriously think she doesn't remember what she's going through every minute of every day? This, 'i won't ask because I don't want to upset/remind them' thing is ignorant and heartless

Keswick23 · 08/05/2025 22:51

@Cimone what an outrageous remark!! I hope you never have to deal with the fear and/or reality of cancer...or maybe I hope you do and have no one who empathises enough to support you

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