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Original poster

Should I be intimidated by the fact OH's ex was a stripper?

47 replies

Tamz77 · 31/12/2007 20:31

OK, here's the story. I've been with OH for a few months now and things are quite settled, except for this one thing that's eating my head up, totally. I haven't ever seen his ex (mother of his child, and she left him) but just the fact that she was a stripper (because you have to be a bit of a looker for that don't you lol), supposedly a v high earning 'best in town' kind of stripper, is making me very insecure. For one thing I have the exact opposite of a stripper's figure, I'm very flat chested, pear shaped etc. For another, I have nowhere near the confidence she must obviously have had to do this; I am sexually passive, don't ever 'dress up' (never wear heels or make up) and can't dance for toffee! I feel like this woman is throwing quite a long shadow over my relationship with OH esp because he talks about her quite freely and frequently, something I don't want to challenge as he has said many times how comfortable he feels talking to me about anything and how rare it is in his relationship experience. I'm just tortured by the fact that she's more beautiful and spunky than I am and that he surely must have a constant comparison thing going on in his head (how could he not? Wouldn't you if you suddenly downgraded like he has?). As a woman of pretty low self esteem to begin with...aaargh it's just not good!

Anyone got any similar experiences or advice?

OP posts:

Original poster

Tamz77 · 31/12/2007 20:32

PS he wanted to marry her but she left him, kinda thing, which just exacerbates the whole issue from MPOV.

OP posts:

KIMIfullofhopefor2008 · 31/12/2007 20:34

He is with you now and that is all that matters, also I have met some strippers who as my late gran would say were rough as old asreholes.

pixiepip · 31/12/2007 20:41

Who is this man with now- you or his ex? Exactly- he is with you! Why is he with you, if he prefers her body to yours? Correct- he prefers you!

This women is NOT throwing a shadow over your relationship- you are doing that. She is the past. If he talks about her and you don't like it, say so, What kind of things does he say anyway? Ther is a big difference between being able to "talk freely" and rubbing your current partner's nose in your past - which she finds upsetting- maybe he needs to learn that he can't talk freely about everything that comes into his head. If he is speaking about her ina very nostalgic way and wishing she was back in his life, well that is another issue- and shows he is not over her. Is that what you think?

He is probably feeling very insecure himself if he has been dumped- and the fact thathe has losthis child in the process can't be easy to cope with too. This woman is always going to be part of his life- and yours- as she is the mother of his child. If you make her into an issue she will become one- and you will have a self-fulfilling prophesy.

The best you can do to keep him is to make yourself an intersting and loving partner who he wants to be with- and stop comparing yourself with someone who has bigger boobs- thre's more to life and relationships than the size of your tits!

I haven't been in that situation, but I did have an ex who was a sex therapist, before Imet my current partner - my husband of 23 years - and he has never felt threatened by that!

Shaniece · 31/12/2007 20:43

Kimi - did your gran really stay that? .

Op - he is with you and he is bound to talk about her she is the mother of his child .

Shaniece · 31/12/2007 20:44

say that? (too much wine)

KIMIfullofhopefor2008 · 31/12/2007 20:46

yes shaniece, she was quite fond of saying something was rough as old arseholes.

Have not thought of that for a while, made me smile tbh.

Shaniece · 31/12/2007 20:48

Your gran sounds great Kimi? .

motherhurdicure · 31/12/2007 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Tamz77 · 31/12/2007 20:50

A couple of things to reply to:

He doesn't 'prefer' me necessarily; she left him, he's ended up with me a couple of years later.

She wasn't 'rough as old arseholes'; apparently she was blonde and gorgeous and very much in demand.

Their split became acrimonious as it happens but beneath the bitterness I sense a bit of nostalgia; he can't mention her without saying something about her being a stripper, as if he was quite proud of the fact he was with a stripper. And he does talk about her a lot. Like every day.

OP posts:

Madoldcatlady · 31/12/2007 20:51

I went to a lap dancing place a couple of years ago. The girls were all totally normal.

No prize winning stunners. They had saggy boobs, stretch marks and cellulite. Only another woman would notice though. The blokes were too busy perving to notice. Don't get me wrong, some of them were lovely, but far from perfect as I'd previously imagined.

They were wearing masses of make up and high heels but, essentially, without those they could have been any one.

pixiepip · 31/12/2007 20:51

Why not get yourself a book on raising your self-esteem- to think of this as "downgrading" is an awful thing to say about yourself. Unless you get over this habit of putting yourself down, you are going to always feel insecure, which is death to any relationship.
Make a list of all your good points and read them every day- it will help you feel good about yourself.

KIMIfullofhopefor2008 · 31/12/2007 20:53

As he seems to go on about the stripper thing do you think he saw her as a person or a trophy,
I was (a long time ago) a page 3 girl but its not something that DH1 feels he needs to go on about.

Kimi puts wine away now

Shaniece · 31/12/2007 20:57

I can't imagine a lot of men being proud of their DW/DP being a stripper . I personally wouldn't be.

Sounds like he thought/thinks of her as a trophy (as Kimi said).

pixiepip · 31/12/2007 20:57

Everything you say implies that he has ended up with you as a type of consolation prize- like he's "ended up with you" - as if he has no choice in it and is taking 2nd best .

If he hasn't got her , then he is not ready for any relationship really with anyone- you are thinking it's your looks or your body that isn't good enough, because you feel bad about them to begin with.

Can't you turn all of this round in your head and say to yourself that he must feel insecure, as he was dumped- and his way of boosting his ego is to constantly remind you that he once had a stripper as a partner. It doesn't mean you are unattractive- it means he is still cut-up and needs to boast about her.

Maybe your best course of action is to tell him you find his harping on hurtful- and he needs to realsie that no woman is going toput up with that. But you also need to ask if you want to be with someone who might not have got over his ex properly- though it is nothing to do with her looks, I bet.

pixiepip · 31/12/2007 21:02

typo- I mean to say " if he hasn't GOT OVER HER, then he is not ready for any relationship....

ivykaty44 · 31/12/2007 21:05

I have to confess I have been to a strip joint - it was rather revealing!! But one thing I did notice was the faces of the woman and the figrues were not as I expected, wobbles cellulite and faces that really had seen a few to many early mornings and a few to many lines and wrinkles.

Stripping is a little like acting - it is an act and confidence doesn't come into it (drugs and drink maybe) as much as you think as you are pretneding to be something your not.

Look at it from your dp point - he is now as happy as larry and doens't have to worry about other men oggling his exp, just think where he was at when he was with a stripper, its the sort of job that brings all sorts of problems...

I bet he is really glad to be in a loving and special relationship where he can talk to her about anything and not feel insecure.

Happy new year

VictorianSqualor · 31/12/2007 21:12

Ah, I have plenty of friends that have worked as strippers, some are gorgeous with surgical help and no food and plenty of make-up, one is stunning IMO but DP says she isn't all that and doesn't understand why I've always raved about her.

Men are pretty blind when it comes to watching strippers tbh, we'd notice the flaws but they don't, same goes for the way they see us.

Only women are critical of other womens bodies.

It's your self-esteem that's the issue here sweetheart, not his ex.

VictorianSqualor · 31/12/2007 21:14

Sorry, I just noticed how patronising that 'sweetheart' sounded!
Think of it more as a Mike Reid style sweetheart than a patronising ole boot!

Shaniece · 31/12/2007 21:20

That is so true VS. I remember going to a strip joint with DH, SIL & BIL & whilst DH & BIL were ogling the women, me & SIL were finding faults .

The stippers were a size 12-14, full of make up, had cellulite. They were no supermodels.

One of them kept pestering me to pay her £50 to do a private dance for DH (it was his birthday & BIL is a regular & knows the staff well), anyway I told her to bog off the cheeky cow - she wanted cash up front too & I only had credit card (joke).

That was the only time I have ever been to a strip joint. Anyway, point is, the strippers are no supermodels.

Nyx · 31/12/2007 21:34

I don't have experience of what you're going through (DH has never gone out with a stripper to my knowledge!) but I can't help thinking - she wasn't nice to him! She dumped him - it got acrimonious, which means they were probably horrible to each other. He's with YOU now - not anybody else. Not another stripper, but you. I bet you're nicer to him than anyone else has ever been, after all, he says he can talk to you more freely than he has to anyone. He will really appreciate that, even apart from anything else you have to give, and he wouldn't be with you and settled with you if he wasn't very happy with you. It's been a couple of years, it's not a rebound thing!

I understand how you must feel, hearing about her every day, it would make me really pi**ed off - have you ever let him know (subtly, if not right out, if you don't want to alienate him) roughly how it makes you feel? Or does he mind you talking about your exes? If you feel like it, you could do a 'one-upmanship' thing with him where you mention an ex who was fabby in bed or something - or perhaps I'm just petty LOL! Just to see how he reacts? He might not know how it's making you feel. But as someone said, it's the mother of his child(ren), so he will speak about her.

Oh, and he hasn't 'ended up' with you, he's chosen you as opposed to anyone else...hope you manage to get past this.

ScottishMummy · 31/12/2007 21:37

Tamz77 - OK deep breath it is you your boyfriend has chosen to be with, you he sees daily.Not his ex you

dont allow yourself to fantasise his ex into some alluring sexy can't-compete-because-she-is-a-goddess. well she is a regular woman albeit with an unusual job, but guess what she still gets her groceries in supermarket, takes out the rubbish- like the rest of us actually

because it is a toxic and destructive thing to do.it is destructive to you and your boyfriend, and will gnaw away at you and create insecurity for no good reason

frankly this does not need to be an issue but it is your issue and maybe indicative of low self esteem

colditz · 31/12/2007 21:43

He doesn't need to be mentioning every single day that his ex was a stripper. Tell him politely that you have heard quite enough about ex for one week, and you don't need to hear any more about the fact she was a blonde stripper.

It's all very well, a boyfriend being able to 'tell you anything', but actually I do not think continually talking about how beautiful an ex is is either polite or sensible. Tell him to ring a man friend if he wants to rant about his ex.

colditz · 31/12/2007 21:45

After all, you wouldn't ramble on daily about what a huge penis the father of your child has, would you! Not to your partner, anyway

Sobernow · 31/12/2007 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pixiepip · 31/12/2007 21:51

LOL! colditz!

Exactly- don't you think Tamz77, that maybe you have been just a little too patient with him, and listened just a little bit TOO much? Maybe if you stood up for yourself and how it makes you feel, he would stop it and have more respect for your feelings. Personally, I think he needs some plain speaking to make him wake up to what he is doing.

And you also need to ask what you are getting out of this relationship, given that everything in it makes you feel so bad- maybe there is a need to change things or move on?

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