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Original poster

Should I be intimidated by the fact OH's ex was a stripper?

47 replies

Tamz77 · 31/12/2007 20:31

OK, here's the story. I've been with OH for a few months now and things are quite settled, except for this one thing that's eating my head up, totally. I haven't ever seen his ex (mother of his child, and she left him) but just the fact that she was a stripper (because you have to be a bit of a looker for that don't you lol), supposedly a v high earning 'best in town' kind of stripper, is making me very insecure. For one thing I have the exact opposite of a stripper's figure, I'm very flat chested, pear shaped etc. For another, I have nowhere near the confidence she must obviously have had to do this; I am sexually passive, don't ever 'dress up' (never wear heels or make up) and can't dance for toffee! I feel like this woman is throwing quite a long shadow over my relationship with OH esp because he talks about her quite freely and frequently, something I don't want to challenge as he has said many times how comfortable he feels talking to me about anything and how rare it is in his relationship experience. I'm just tortured by the fact that she's more beautiful and spunky than I am and that he surely must have a constant comparison thing going on in his head (how could he not? Wouldn't you if you suddenly downgraded like he has?). As a woman of pretty low self esteem to begin with...aaargh it's just not good!

Anyone got any similar experiences or advice?

OP posts:

warthog · 01/01/2008 09:41

i think he's being unbelievable insensitive and needs a wakeup call. i do think he saw her as some sort of trophy - and sounds to me like he's got low self esteem too. he has to keep reminding you that he's been with this 'amazing' woman, possibly in the hope that you won't leave?

either you should tell him to quit it, or mention that your ex was a national sea rescueman, regularly saving lives and that he was so gorgeous he used to pose for their calendar. and he had a huge dick. he went to bangladesh to help people in the floods and you never heard from him again. some people are just so amazing aren't they? so selfless, yet utterly gorgeous.

fizzbuzz · 01/01/2008 10:33

Let me get this right. You have an inferiority complex becasue his ex was a stripper. A stripper FGS, Big Wow! you should have a superiority complex not an inferior one.

I can't think of any man I know who would go out with a stripper. He's the one with the problem sweetie not you

Blandmum · 01/01/2008 10:35

Next time say, 'Wow, she got paid for getting her baps out for the lads, that must mave made you so proud', and say it in a very bored voice.

fizzbuzz · 01/01/2008 10:36

Well said MB

CrushWithEyeliner · 01/01/2008 10:55

please do say that Tam

and I don't think he is over her if he mentions it everyday, DH's ex was a dancer and he just mentioned it in passing to me once - I was the one who asked all the questions and I was really interested in what kind of dancing etc. It was ballet incidentally. Funnily enough I think he is a bit embarrassed by it, but in any case, your DP shouuld not be boasting about it to you of all people. He does not respect you or consider your feelings, I think you should tell him where to go to be honest...

fizzbuzz · 01/01/2008 10:57

So do I. He seems a bit stuck in a male fantasy world.........

rosalinda · 01/01/2008 19:03

even tho he talks freely to you about his ex being a glamorous stripper I bet he didn't like bragging about it to his family, male friends, boss etc. He probably felt quite insecure with her. Boost your own self esteem, and remeber that men always want the ones that don't reveal all!

kerala · 01/01/2008 19:17

Surely hes embarrassed about having been with a stripper? Why on earth would he want to brag about that? Sleazy sleaze.

kerala · 01/01/2008 19:20

Although recently found out (via google not DH) that his ex is a brain of Britain. She is now a fellow at Oxford university which makes me feel abit of a thicko in comparison.

fernfrost · 02/01/2008 13:48

He is not showing you any respect. You do not even need to know about any of this - let alone the details

Do you really need all this baggage? Is he really that great, or is he making you think that he is by this manipulation of your own self-esteem?

You may well be incubating big problems for the future.

Think very seriously about YOU. What do you need? What do YOU want? Is it really him?

fernfrost · 02/01/2008 13:53

Fantastic!!!

But - in reality - if you can do so, and you need to be saying things like that - you should get out?? Like NOW!!

Such dreadful jokes WITHIN a relationship can surely only apply to singletonns or married women with four kids!

robin3 · 02/01/2008 13:54

Any woman can be a stripper surely. Might not earn much but it's entirely without special skills I'd say (no disrespect to strippers honestly).

tiredemma · 02/01/2008 13:55

I worked with someone who worked in a strip club part time- she was a dog- not at all attractive.
Body from Baywatch- Face from Crimewatch.

fernfrost · 02/01/2008 13:56

BTW. Does anybody know of a good online site where you can printout tasteful pictures of muscle, sometimes romantics too - that is not either gay or pornographic? I cannot find any!

HairyIrene · 02/01/2008 14:07

agree with the others tamz77
i think this is your self esteem issues at the heart of it all here
and
anyone
anyone
who bangs on and on about an ex on daily basis is more than slightly suspect imho
as mentioned, have word with him keep the remenices to minimum love, change the record ...
i like description of well hung caring hero bloke earlier, i'd go for that and wander down my own memory lane ...

...see how he likes it

fernfrost · 02/01/2008 14:48

Messages have failed to register twice.

So.

He is not showing you respect.

Do YOU need this? Is he really that GREAT??

Think very carefully.

fernfrost · 02/01/2008 14:50

Website to printout hunks? Who is controlling this soceity?

Original poster

Tamz77 · 02/01/2008 18:50

Thanks for all replies. I do realise that my own low self-esteem is a huge part of this. However he does talk about this ex rather too much, ie not just in the context of being the mother of his child. Eg the other day we were watching something together where the issue of women with tattoos came up, and he said, "Oh, X had this tattoo, blah blah blah". Did the same on my birthday, came round and chatted about her all night. I forgave him that because how he said he'd never had counselling for the split/custody battle and it was good to talk.

He is def proud of her being a stripper though, not at all embarrassed. He does seem to equate that kind of big-tits-and-tall-heels look with female sexuality, eg I don't have that look, and he said when he first met me he thought I was a lesbian (!). No I didn't find this funny, we kind of argued about it actually and he apologised. The fact is he thought it though and it's clear he'd prefer me with a boob job and a case full of lippy on my dressing table.

OP posts:

Shaniece · 02/01/2008 18:54

Tamz - sorry to say this but he sounds a right jerk. Dump him you deserve better.

warthog · 02/01/2008 19:07

sorry tamz but i really think you deserve better.

talking about his ex all night on your birthday??? that's just not on.

Elizabetth · 02/01/2008 19:12

Tamz, I had a boyfriend years ago who was always talking about how wonderful his ex was. It made me feel like crap. It took me a long time to work out that it had nothing to do with my low self-esteem that I felt bad, but that any normal person would be upset with their partner constantly talking about their ex.

If you think he's worth keeping, you've got to tell him you won't put up with this crap anymore.

armyofme · 02/01/2008 19:26

no don't be intimidated at all - he is being really insensitive and i don't necessarily think this has anything to do with your self-esteem. I agree with Elizabeth, i don't think anybody would want to continually hear about ex's, regardless of how low/high their confidence is. I personally don't like thinking of my dp with anybody else from his past, not out of a sense of insecurity, more just that it makes me feel jealous! ithink it is fairly natural to not want to have to think about his past all the time

tbh it sounds as though your fella may still have issues regarding the break-up with his ex, and is possibly confusing you with a counsellor. i would probably explain to him that you aren't the right person to give him support about that, and tell him how uncomfortable it makes you feel hearing about ex/stripper constantly....

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