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Original poster

Casual sex and feeling awful

50 replies

Kitten2 · 09/02/2022 09:59

(Posted this in Sex but it's a v quiet board. I guess it is a relationship of sorts..)

I had casual sex yesterday.
With someone I have been fooling around with for a couple of months.

I enjoyed it the first few times we met up and did this, he really turned me on. But I just feel horrible this morning. Really disgusted in myself and a bit rejected.

He has stopped putting much effort in and it's become an 'oh I have an hour spare if you come round we can fuck' and I just went with it. I don't know why because I didn't even enjoy it and I knew I wouldn't and now I just feel cheap and easy.

I don't think he has any intention any more of actually going out with me for drinks first and making it anything more than a quickie. But then he does want to chat about normal stuff and act sort of nice too. And he is lovely.
I always seem to put in more effort in terms of travelling to meet him and planning in advance. He leaves me hanging a bit with plans which I also hate.

I just don't think I want this. I definitely don't feel good about myself afterwards (and I didn't even come because I didn't feel good during it) But should I communicate that to him, or just block and delete.
Can a hook up only partner really have expectations of being treated any other way than this?

OP posts:
Fujimora · 09/02/2022 10:07

If it is not making you feel good, stop.

I would not block him as that seems a bit extreme.

But do not take the initiative in fixing a meeting and if he contacts you, just reply that this is no longer working for you.

Funguy21 · 09/02/2022 10:10

What are the dynamics. Is he single are you single and you are both having some on the side or what are you expectations from this relationship. Any kids etc involved ?

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 09/02/2022 10:10

If that's lovely I would hate to meet a real rotter.

He isn't respecting you and you are not respecting yourself, so you need to stop making yourself available, simple as that.

EarthSight · 09/02/2022 10:14

He just wants to use your body and make some small talk. He doesn't mind if you use his body in this way because he's doing it to you, he knows what this relationship really is and he's fine with that.

I think you want to go on dates and be appreciated. Although there are some people who are friends with benefits, I think what you need is a relationship with someone who commits to you confidently, not fooling around.

Knutface · 09/02/2022 10:15

Sounds like you’re getting nothing out of this situation. Next time he contacts you to hook up just tell him that you’re not feeling it anymore. Neither of you have done anything wrong IMO but you don’t want this.

Original poster
Kitten2 · 09/02/2022 10:20

I'm not looking for a proper relationship with him or with anyone else. The sex was working for me when we went for a drink and a walk first.. a bit of anticipation I guess.
It felt like he was keen to see me and I enjoyed flirting, teasing a bit.

This is maybe just TOO casual. Even though I want something quite casual. I hate how I feel. I could cry today

OP posts:
Knutface · 09/02/2022 10:26

If most of the point of a FWB/casual situation is sex, and the sex isn’t good, then it should stop. The only other alternative is to tell him what the problem is, but I wouldn’t, doesn’t sound like he would up his game unfortunately.

Funguy21 · 09/02/2022 10:28

Are you sure this guy isn’t married or anything and is just playing you. Are you meeting at his house or yours if not his I would be concerned he is having some on the side

gingerhills · 09/02/2022 10:29

Don't give yourself a hard time. It was working for you until yesterday. Now it isn't. It's good to know that. Just don't put yourself in a position to repeat it.Don't travel to him, don't put in any effort that isn't reciprocal. Don't see him again at all if it doesn't work for you. Focus on doing some things that keep you busy and make you feel good about yourself.

Tears11 · 09/02/2022 10:33

You need to ask yourself what you want. What are your feelings towards him? Then you need to tell him what you want and then he can say what he wants. But plenty of men use women for sex or some sort of personal gain. Your gut is very good at telling you what is going on. If you felt happy with the situation you wouldn't be feeling like you do right now.

NightmareSlashDelightful · 09/02/2022 10:35

When the fun stops, stop.

(It's a strapline for gambling awareness but it's a good motto for many things in life IMO.)

Positive point: you've learned more about where your own boundaries lie with this kind of thing, and can apply them more readily next time.

NWE231 · 09/02/2022 10:53

He doesn't sound like a bad guy and if totally fine to end it if it no longer works for you, you had a bit of fun and enjoyed yourself don't beat yourself up, move on.

Blushinggerbil · 09/02/2022 10:53

Listen to @gingerhills it’s okay op. It was going good and you’re not keen on it now. That’s ok. It means you are in tune with yourself. Just focus on some stuff that lifts you up over the next few days - lovely smelly stuff in a bath or shower, nice early night, a nice dinner. VIP treatment because that’s what you are. This is no big deal, everything is a chance to learn more about what we are after. A lot of us have been there. It’s ok for it not be your cup of tea it is.

Fruitandnuts · 09/02/2022 10:54

It seemed like a good idea but unfortunately there is biology/chemistry involved. When women have sex we create Oxytocin and bond with the man, this is just wants happened here. You are feeling bad because you need/require the lovely bonding feeling that you body has created and he isnt providing it back. Men have sex and then their testosterone drops and they want to retreat. They lose interest, if there isnt an emotional bond with a woman he will just not be interested. Look up some videos on you tube by Dr John Gray, he explains this very well and you'll understand this is just natural.

Why dont you just explain to him that altho its fun you don't completely feel great about it. You need to come to terms with this feeling and the dynamics with you and him and either stop or continue. I think long term this will not make you feel nice, reflect on the feelings and decide from there.

ElleGB · 09/02/2022 10:57

@Blushinggerbil

Listen to *@gingerhills* it’s okay op. It was going good and you’re not keen on it now. That’s ok. It means you are in tune with yourself. Just focus on some stuff that lifts you up over the next few days - lovely smelly stuff in a bath or shower, nice early night, a nice dinner. VIP treatment because that’s what you are. This is no big deal, everything is a chance to learn more about what we are after. A lot of us have been there. It’s ok for it not be your cup of tea it is.
This is a lovely post.
IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 09/02/2022 10:58

Sounds awful. This is why I can't do casual sex. Just stop if you're not enjoying it, which you're clearly not

LaTomatina · 09/02/2022 11:00

*When the fun stops, stop.

(It's a strapline for gambling awareness but it's a good motto for many things in life IMO.)

Positive point: you've learned more about where your own boundaries lie with this kind of thing, and can apply them more readily next time.*

This.

Casual sex (ideally when both parties are young and single) can be a lot of fun, and a great way to find out what you like/what you're into. But it has to be light and fun. If it isn't, move on. That's the whole point really - not to feel trapped or guilty. Maybe you need a new FWB. Maybe you're looking for something a bit deeper. Or maybe you need some space for a while. Whatever you want, make sure you respect yourself and only pursue the situations that make you happy.

fenellastripe · 09/02/2022 11:07

There has to be some kind of emotional connection for me. This is why the FWB often won't work because men don't seem to need that emotional connection to have enjoyable sex.

Original poster
Kitten2 · 09/02/2022 11:12

@Blushinggerbil thank you I appreciate that

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 09/02/2022 11:18

I feel quite old when I read sad stories like this one.
Back in my day (70s...) we did do casual sex, but it was never like this.
What has happened in the last 40+ years for (some) women to accept being treated as a commodity?

godmum56 · 09/02/2022 11:21

@Kitten2
"Can a hook up only partner really have expectations of being treated any other way than this?"

well no, not if if they signal that they are happy to be treated that way. say goodbye to the casual partner and expect better for yourself.

pumpkinpie01 · 09/02/2022 11:35

I see what you mean even thou you don't want a relationship it would be nice if he wasn't so blunt and forward , anticipating what's going to happen is part of the excitement rather than just meeting up and getting your kit off. Thing is thou if you have made it clear you only want sex he is probably thinking you aren't bothered about going for a drink or a walk first , just trying to see it from his point of view. If the sex is good and you like him I would try a little chat see if he can see your point of view.

Heidi451 · 09/02/2022 11:39

@Kitten2

(Posted this in Sex but it's a v quiet board. I guess it is a relationship of sorts..)

I had casual sex yesterday.
With someone I have been fooling around with for a couple of months.

I enjoyed it the first few times we met up and did this, he really turned me on. But I just feel horrible this morning. Really disgusted in myself and a bit rejected.

He has stopped putting much effort in and it's become an 'oh I have an hour spare if you come round we can fuck' and I just went with it. I don't know why because I didn't even enjoy it and I knew I wouldn't and now I just feel cheap and easy.

I don't think he has any intention any more of actually going out with me for drinks first and making it anything more than a quickie. But then he does want to chat about normal stuff and act sort of nice too. And he is lovely.
I always seem to put in more effort in terms of travelling to meet him and planning in advance. He leaves me hanging a bit with plans which I also hate.

I just don't think I want this. I definitely don't feel good about myself afterwards (and I didn't even come because I didn't feel good during it) But should I communicate that to him, or just block and delete.
Can a hook up only partner really have expectations of being treated any other way than this?

Where is your self respect? Do you think women can fuck and forget the way men can? No, they can't. Do you think you both have the same to lose and the same risk in the situation? No, you don't. Do you think that what's good for the goose is good for the gander? I can't believe this is where women and feminism are at now.

I thought "friends that fuck" had gone out in 1995. Even at university, girls that did this knew they were being mugs.

You are precious! Your body is precious and you are worth so much more than this. Value yourself far, far more and be more choosy who you give yourself to. Sex is not scratching an itch or like having a good meal. Women are designed to bond to men they have sex with. It might be unfortunate or "not fair" but it's the way it is.

If you want a long -erm relationship with a great man, a worthwhile man, get to know him really well and build a foundation of TRUST before you have sex with him. Then it will work out for you.

GrumpyTerrier · 09/02/2022 11:42

@FlowerArranger What was it like back then?

pumpkinpie01 · 09/02/2022 11:46

@Heidi451 everyone is different , of course some women can have casual sex and not feel any attachment just the same as some men can have a one night stand and presume they are now in a relationship.