Page 2 | Casual sex and feeling awful

Sittingonabench · 09/02/2022 11:50

It’s clear that you’re not getting what you need out of this any more so I would just stop. I think you have different ideas of what this is - to you a casual relationship includes enjoyment, activities, dates and sex where you feel desired and wanted. To him it is in the main just sex. I would just explain that to him - no hard feelings just not what you enjoy.

Heidi451 · 09/02/2022 11:52

[quote pumpkinpie01]@Heidi451 everyone is different , of course some women can have casual sex and not feel any attachment just the same as some men can have a one night stand and presume they are now in a relationship. [/quote]
No, in terms of basic evolutionary biology, everyone is not "different".

FlowerArranger · 09/02/2022 11:56

[quote GrumpyTerrier]@FlowerArranger What was it like back then?[/quote]
People would hook up, knowing it wasn't serious, but while it lasted you'd be 'girlfriend and boyfriend'. You'd go out and do all the usual 'girlfriend and boyfriend' stuff - go to the movies, ice cream parlour (remember those...), walks, talks, et cetera. It might last a month, or three, and when it ended, no (real) tears were shed.

pumpkinpie01 · 09/02/2022 12:13

@Heidi451 do you therefore mean that every woman that has a one night stand is hopeful that it will lead to a relationship and cannot accept it being just a physical act ?

MidnightMeltdown · 09/02/2022 12:19

You need to think about why you wanted casual sex in the first place. Some women enjoy it, but on the whole, research shows that the majority of women don't, and even find it distressing. However, because men want it, there is a lot of pressure on women as it has become so normalised, particularly by the media, films etc.

Interesting article here:

www.newstatesman.com/politics/2021/07/regret-distress-low-self-esteem-why-today-s-hook-culture-terrible-deal

sammylady37 · 09/02/2022 13:02

Where is your self respect? Do you think women can fuck and forget the way men can? No, they can't

Well, actually, some women can. I can. And I have plenty self respect.

Sex is not scratching an itch or like having a good meal

Sometimes it is.
We don’t all look at sex as this sacred mystical thing to be cherished and rationed.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 09/02/2022 13:05

@MidnightMeltdown

You need to think about why you wanted casual sex in the first place. Some women enjoy it, but on the whole, research shows that the majority of women don't, and even find it distressing. However, because men want it, there is a lot of pressure on women as it has become so normalised, particularly by the media, films etc.

Interesting article here:

www.newstatesman.com/politics/2021/07/regret-distress-low-self-esteem-why-today-s-hook-culture-terrible-deal

Many women do it in the hope it will make the guy bond with them and lead to something more.

Bellex · 09/02/2022 13:08

@Heidi451

This is an awful reply, are you going to start talking about when dinosaurs roamed the earth as well?

If you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all. Please read what you’ve put and think about how you delivered this message.

It’s 2022 women/ men / whoever can do what they please as long as they consent.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 09/02/2022 13:16

[quote Bellex]@Heidi451

This is an awful reply, are you going to start talking about when dinosaurs roamed the earth as well?

If you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all. Please read what you’ve put and think about how you delivered this message.

It’s 2022 women/ men / whoever can do what they please as long as they consent.[/quote]
If you can’t say anything nice don’t say anything at all.

This is an absolutely ridiculous phrase. And on Mumsnet, really???!!!!

LikeALeadBalloon · 09/02/2022 13:16

Hey op. Reading your experience I can see why you felt yucky afterwards. It wasn't how it set out in the start and although he got what he was after, you didn't. I don't think I would enjoy it at all without the build up and excitement. As some wise posters have said, you've learned something about yourself now. Treat yourself and you'll move on. Hope you're having a better day

Sonaftersonafterson · 09/02/2022 13:28

Awful isn't it?

These situations are tricky enough but there is a definite distinction between a FWB and a fuck buddy imo. With a FWB, there IS the friendship element too. You get on, you go out for drinks and stuff, you chat. Theres a connection of sorts but just no love. No want for a traditional relationship with them. Respect is given and expected. Peoples feelings count.

A fuck buddy. Been that too and it's very very different. I hated it! Literally just sex. Sure, we'd have a little chat in between sessions but it was just sex. He messaged me when he was bored, or horny, and I'd go round. Minimal effort from him. It made me feel like a whore! Worthless. Literally just a willing hole!

Your guy is treating you like a fuck buddy. You dont like it, so put a stop to it but dont let it put you off a proper FWB set up. They can be amazing

Bellex · 09/02/2022 13:34

How 😂😂😂 presumably you’re a grown adult and understand the concept?

Mumsnet is forum for discussions and not to tear people down and make them feel worse about themselves. Her response was totally unnecessary.

‘ Where is your self respect? Do you think women can fuck and forget the way men can? No, they can't. Do you think you both have the same to lose and the same risk in the situation? No, you don't. Do you think that what's good for the goose is good for the gander? I can't believe this is where women and feminism are at now.’

What part of that was needed? Imagine asking someone if they didn’t have any self respect? She had consensual sex with any person and wasn’t feeling great about it and @Heidi451 was shaming her for it.

MangoBiscuit · 09/02/2022 13:36

Thank you so much @Heidi451, without your insightful post, I would never have realised that I am, in fact, a man.

OP, I find that foreplay for me starts well before we get to the bedroom. It's the flirting, the naughty text messages, the anticipation. Without any of that, I'm no where near as turned on as I could be, and it takes me a lot longer to get my head into the game, and therefore, a lot longer to climax. Even if the relationship is casual, I need some sort of mental build up first. If a partner isn't prepared to do that, then we're not a good fit. Nothing wrong with that.

TheSpecialist · 09/02/2022 15:35

Mark my words. Something’s are best left to Theo ry

Graphista · 09/02/2022 16:14

Sorry but I think there's a strong element of you're kidding yourself here. And by doing so you were unable to be totally honest with him too.

You clearly do want a relationship or you wouldn't be feeling this way.

Nothing wrong with that, also nothing wrong with casual sex IF everyone involved is totally fine with whatever dynamic there is.

Over the years I've had a mix of casual setups to full on relationships and everything in between depending what suited me at the time. But even the casual ones I chose my partners carefully to ensure

1 they weren't also fooling themselves (and this can happen as much with men as with women in my experience)

2 we were compatible personality wise as well as sexually

3 expectations were approximately the same/we were on the same page about how the arrangement would work

4 neither party had any feelings of or acted entitled to the others time
or effort when it didn't suit the other person

But yea, honestly? I don't think you're suited to such arrangements, not everyone is.

It's a strapline for gambling awareness but it's a good motto for many things in life IMO

I totally agree with this! It's a good general rule for most things in life!

when the fun stops stop

Casual sex (ideally when both parties are young and single)

Erm...why young???? I'm 50 this year perfectly capable and willing to enjoy casual sex thanks as are many older folk!

Where is your self respect? Do you think women can fuck and forget the way men can? No, they can't.

Sometimes we can - and there's NOTHING WRONG with that as long as all involved are on board

I can't believe this is where women and feminism are at now.

Many of us believe feminism includes owning and enjoying our sexuality without being constrained by outdated beliefs like "women can't separate sex and love"

I have enjoyed many casual encounters and some flings and I don't see that as anything to be ashamed of or regret! It was what was right for me at that time.

Freddy12 · 09/02/2022 19:10

If the sex is poor don't bother to repeat
unless he is hassling you just let things fade away
FWB should be friendly and respectful with each other if they are not and the sex is not great move on
we live and learn what works for us FWB is not for everyone

Gilda152 · 09/02/2022 19:13

I know how you feel OP. I had what was supposed to be a one night fling with a much younger guy who I'd known for sometime. To be honest the sex was incredible that first night, exhilarating and amazing. So I went back for more. The second night I went to his apartment and actually waited for him to finish having a pizza with his friends, before he led me to the bedroom for a very soulless encounter indeed. The memory of the second time kind of ruins the memory of the first. We should have left it there. We're still on nodding terms and he's met my husband etc at functions, but everytime I see him (he's also lovely, truly) I wince at the second encounter. Sometimes sex is just sex and sometimes that's amazing , other times it's not. Don't put yourself in that spot again, it's run its course and was fun while it lasted.

Getbehindme · 09/02/2022 21:43

@Blushinggerbil

Listen to *@gingerhills* it’s okay op. It was going good and you’re not keen on it now. That’s ok. It means you are in tune with yourself. Just focus on some stuff that lifts you up over the next few days - lovely smelly stuff in a bath or shower, nice early night, a nice dinner. VIP treatment because that’s what you are. This is no big deal, everything is a chance to learn more about what we are after. A lot of us have been there. It’s ok for it not be your cup of tea it is.

This is excellent advice. Something changed, and you're not enjoying it. Either leave it there, or have a chat and tell him why it's not your bag. I don't think you need to block, that seems a bit extreme with no explanation.

Don't listen to Heidi451, what a load of nonsense!

It's okay to enjoy casual encounters, and attitudes like that contribute to feelings of shame around sex or enjoying sex that doesn't fall into a perceived traditional format. It's also okay not to, and because others can doesn't mean you're a prude for not enjoying it.

Hawkins001 · 09/02/2022 21:46

@Kitten2

(Posted this in Sex but it's a v quiet board. I guess it is a relationship of sorts..)

I had casual sex yesterday.
With someone I have been fooling around with for a couple of months.

I enjoyed it the first few times we met up and did this, he really turned me on. But I just feel horrible this morning. Really disgusted in myself and a bit rejected.

He has stopped putting much effort in and it's become an 'oh I have an hour spare if you come round we can fuck' and I just went with it. I don't know why because I didn't even enjoy it and I knew I wouldn't and now I just feel cheap and easy.

I don't think he has any intention any more of actually going out with me for drinks first and making it anything more than a quickie. But then he does want to chat about normal stuff and act sort of nice too. And he is lovely.
I always seem to put in more effort in terms of travelling to meet him and planning in advance. He leaves me hanging a bit with plans which I also hate.

I just don't think I want this. I definitely don't feel good about myself afterwards (and I didn't even come because I didn't feel good during it) But should I communicate that to him, or just block and delete.
Can a hook up only partner really have expectations of being treated any other way than this?

All the best op, I think sometimes it's better to have a session zero, So to speak, where rules and boundaries ect are agreed upon, where where you not explain what you want ect, then hopefully it enables both parties to have a good session.

Hawkins001 · 09/02/2022 21:47

*Where you both explain what you want

MuffinStrops · 09/02/2022 21:50

@FlowerArranger

I feel quite old when I read sad stories like this one. Back in my day (70s...) we did do casual sex, but it was never like this. What has happened in the last 40+ years for (some) women to accept being treated as a commodity?

My thoughts too. It’s very sad.

Hawkins001 · 09/02/2022 21:51

@Heidi451

do you.have any studies to backup your points ?

Based on other people's perspectives, some ladies can do the dance without any attachment , yes other ladies may and do get attached, but it's not one theory for all, at least that's my understanding.

shouldhavewouldhave · 09/02/2022 22:13

Definitely time to move on from this one.

As a woman you can get a crap, meaningless shag every night of the week if that's what you want.

If you want more than that you have to make yourself available to it, and that means not wasting time and energy on guys who just want to use you as a wank sock.

I have a FWB - about 2 years.
Neither of us want a proper relationship with each other, but we go on proper nights/days out/holidays etc. we love each other's company and sex is just part of that of us. It works for us, just meeting up and shagging would get boring for me.

Worriedatwork1 · 09/02/2022 22:21

Wow Heidi what a very strange attitude.
OP I have had loads of casual sex over the years, some amazing, some just scratched an itch and some was disappointing. It’s clearly lost the initial thrill so I would just let him know it’s run it’s course for now and not bother again- no regrets

Getbehindme · 09/02/2022 22:48

Is 'wank sock' necessary when we're talking about men engaging in casual sex in the same breath as talking about women also engaging in casual sex? Feels like a double standard 🤷‍♀️?