Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

44 replies

Nottobeconfused · 08/02/2022 20:56

Met bf 4 years ago online. Both been married & divorced, 5 boys between us. Bf started making noises about how relationship was going nowhere. I own my home, no mortgage, kids left, successful business. Bf is going through bankruptcy, lives with his elderly Dad, suffers with depression, bit anti-social yet very kind and generous with his time.
My issue is that lately I have felt very much a non entity with him. I include him in everything, probably too much however I know he doesn't have a kind word to say about me to his family, I guess this is to make himself better? He has no money so I've paid for everything for the last 4 years but I do feel as tho I am being pushed into letting him live with me. My boys are dead against it even tho they've all left home.
It's a situation that is is easier to see what is happening when looking in than being in the middle of the scenario.
I'm having doubts as to whether I was too harsh on not letting him move in yet I love my freedom and independence. Maybe I shouldn't be dating?

OP posts:

AlwaysColdTea · 08/02/2022 20:59

Are you a charity for depressed, anti social bankrupts?

No?

Then why would you let him move in with you?

I'd listen to your sons on this one.

Sagaris · 08/02/2022 20:59

Dating, yes, him, no! He's a dead weight who can clearly see which side his bread is buttered. Kick him in to touch and find someone who will treat you much better!

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 08/02/2022 21:03

Cocklodger alert op..
Massive red flags op..
4 years you have carried him?
Don't make it 5...

Aquamarine1029 · 08/02/2022 21:05

What on earth are you doing with this freeloading loser? Your sons must be beside themselves over your choice of boyfriend. FGS, dump this idiot. He's fleeced you enough.

Unanananana · 08/02/2022 21:05

Women are not rehabs for men.

Bin the cocklodger before he moves himself in.

LeifSan · 08/02/2022 21:06

Why on earth have you paid for everything for so long? He wants to leech off you clearly and your rather sensible sons are warning you loud and clear not to let this dead weight move in. You’ll never get rid of him if you do.

I don’t know if you shouldn’t be dating but you certainly need to check your self-esteem and boundaries.

colouringindoors · 08/02/2022 21:10

he doesn't have a kind word to say about me to his family, I guess this is to make himself better? He has no money so I've paid for everything for the last 4 years

my first ever LTB.

Listen to your sons. Do not let him move in.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 08/02/2022 21:11

FGS DO NOT LET HIM MOVE IN.
If he can't talk about you kindly to his family, he needs to go.
Seriously, what DOES he bring to the table here??!!

Aquamarine1029 · 08/02/2022 21:12

I'm sorry to be harsh, op, but he really saw you coming. Your standards are on the floor.

TopCatsTopHat · 08/02/2022 21:18

He doesn't have a good word to say about you to his family!!! 😲😲😲
Your empathy for why he might, psychologically, be internally justified in acting this way is eclipsing your proper disgust that he allows his need to bring you down to his level to devalue who and what you are to him in front of others.
Dial down your empathy, up your standards of what you consider acceptable, this is really not ok. You're just a meal ticket to him which I think because he isn't respecting you.
Integrity is how you behave even when no one is checking on you, the way he talks about you to others reveals that his feelings lack integrity because they are given up in service of soothing his ego.

TheFoundation · 08/02/2022 21:19

It's a situation that is is easier to see what is happening when looking in than being in the middle of the scenario

So you can see it from both of those angles? What does your response to each sound like?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 08/02/2022 21:19

@AlwaysColdTea

Are you a charity for depressed, anti social bankrupts?

No?

Then why would you let him move in with you?

I'd listen to your sons on this one.

Best post 🏆

Original poster

Nottobeconfused · 08/02/2022 21:20

We often 'joked' about his heaving banquet table laden with goodies. I supported him through 'suicide watch' and 2 Court battles with his ex. I had a recent situation but he legged it - threw me under the bus & I've never quite got over that.
I've just messaged one of my sons and he said 'he came at a time when you needed him but that’s now long gone'.
Me thinks time is up and I'm ready to go it alone!

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 08/02/2022 21:22

Me thinks time is up and I'm ready to go it alone!

Fucking hell, 3.9 years too late, but FINALLY. Just send him a text and then block. You shouldn't even see this man again. He has been using you for four years.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/02/2022 21:26

I know he doesn't have a kind word to say about me to his family

Why?!

He has no money so I've paid for everything for the last 4 years

Do his family know this?

Maybe I shouldn't be dating?

I agree. You need to work out how this has gone so wrong and why you’ve tolerated it for so long. Until you do please stay single for a while. Please want better for yourself.

NorthSouthcatlady · 08/02/2022 21:28

Your sons sound wise. He sounds like a cocklodger. Delete and move on

rumred · 08/02/2022 21:42

You are not a second class citizen, he is not a prize. Dump the fucker and enjoy the rest of your life

CheekyHobson · 08/02/2022 21:44

With kindness, I'd advise to invest the money you've been spending on your soon-to-be-ex into some good therapy to work out why you have undervalued yourself so much in this relationship.

onedayoranother · 08/02/2022 21:45

He says the relationship is not going anywhere yet you still feel pressured gif him to move in? Why? Being generous with his time? What's that? He sounds like a loser and has no respect for you. You're son is right.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/02/2022 21:52

My issue is that lately I have felt very much a non entity with him

I admit I'm surprised; considering he wants to live for free move in with you, I'd have expected a nicey-nicey act at least until he'd got his feet under the table

So since you don't even have that, what exactly is the point in this?

Original poster

Nottobeconfused · 08/02/2022 21:53

I know I have low self esteem however his actions over the years, giving him opportunities and many chances to up his game has made me stronger. I was terrified of being on my own after 22 years of marriage. I know I can do it now.
I did have a 'little' chat with him a few days ago about how he made me feel. His response was that he'd never been spoken to like that before and it is best that we call it a day. He's playing with me but I am in no mood to play games!
I don't feel in the slightest upset - with reading your responses, which I thank you all for, the mist has lifted....I see him now for who he is. Just feel a bit of an idiot for letting it go on for so long....

OP posts:

Pegsonstrings · 08/02/2022 21:58

Cocklodger comes to mind and he has zero respect for you by sponging off you. Zero. Just because he may be nice sometimes, the way he talks about you to his family is a huge indicator how he truly feels about you.

He is financially and emotionally unavailable to you and has been for the past four years. You are clearly just a convenience when he needs something from you and it isn’t live although I know he would argue this any day with you should you withdraw the benefits that come with you.

Ps I had one of those for four years until I posted on mumsnet and I finally saw my ex for what he truly was.

Suzi888 · 08/02/2022 22:01

Good for you.
If you do backtrack, for goodness sake don’t let him move in and if you do, protect yourself financially.

He sounds vile. You deserve better.

bettytaghetti · 08/02/2022 23:57

Just read back your opening post and imagine that it was a very good friend that had written that. Now treat yourself as kindly as you would your friend and tell yourself you deserve much better than this! Good luck Op

AlwaysColdTea · 09/02/2022 06:51

I've just messaged one of my sons and he said 'he came at a time when you needed him but that’s now long gone'.

Your son is very wise...

What is it they say? People enter your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. This man came for a reason and stayed for a season. Don't give him your lifetime too.

Flip

1 2